SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to be a long post!

I got married to my husband about one over year ago. On the night after our wedding, I found out that my husband had been talking to many different girls throughout our relationship and even admitted to a friend that he wanted to chase this bikini model in Thailand while we were officially a couple. And just months before our wedding, he initiated conversation with this lady (let's call her lady A) he previously slept with twice before (like a fling), and asked her out to meet. I don't know when was the last two times they had sex so I am not sure if it happened when we were together. Anyway long story short, they did end up meeting behind my back, and he will send her texts like "I still want you", and others along the line of him wanting to have sex with her. They didn't end up having sex as I contacted lady A to clarify things, but I will get into this later.

So after finding out all the above, I confronted my husband and he cried and apologized to me saying he don't know why he did those things, and that marriage is different and he won't do it again. I decided then to give myself one year to see if I can truly forget and forgive him for all those things he did in the past as we literally just got married less than 24 hours ago.

And now throughout this one year plus of marriage, there are again other instances that made me doubt if he is being unfaithful.

Firstly, a few months into our marriage, he was being called into a police investigation as lady A has filed a harassment report. Lady A has been harrassed by someone and she doesn't know who it is and my husband is one of the suspects. again my world collapsed....my husband insisted that it wasn't him and perhaps it was so as there was no follow up from the police investigation.

Secondly, about a month ago, I saw that a girl sent him a picture of her boobs and she responded to a picture my husband sent to her saying "wow I didn't know adult dick is long and thick". And I also found dick pics on my husband's phone in the download folder, and the timestamp somewhat matches the timeline of the text. I confronted my husband and he claimed he accidentally download those dick pics. He also said this is a scammer and their last conversation was years ago. I asked him to prove it to me but so far it has been inconclusive as the girl stopped replying when he asked her when was their last Convo and what picture was she responding to. So there isn't hard evidence to prove any infidelity here but it definitely raised many red flags.

And now, I found out from my husband's phone browsing history that he has been searching for Asian dick pics for awhile now, searching for local girls in the area, searching for meet and fuck tonight in your area, and also erotic massages. I also saw another text from a girl saying good morning and asking if he needs a massage - he also quickly deleted that chat.

I don't know if he really acted on any of the above or was he just searching for it. But why??? why the hell did he search for those things? I didn't confront my husband yet of his dubious search histories as I don't know what I should do. I have also contemplated divorce but haven't contacted a divorce lawyer yet.

What should I do? any advice please? thank you.

I'm sorry you're here, but it's good you are, since it looks like your husband is fishing for ass on the side.

Whether or not there was penetrative sex or not, how do YOU feel about his behavior?

A committed man with self respect and a sense of integrity does not send dick pics or troll for boob pics or pursue ass on the side.

Sounds like you've given him a year... how many more years of your one and only life are you going to give this hound dog? He took that year and wasted it on dick pics and boob shots.

Do you want to live in paranoia the rest of your life?

Do you have kids? If not, RUN!

I agree: Cut and run. He's a bad investment.

I confronted my husband and he claimed he accidentally download those dick pics.

I'm a cishet male and I feel like Iknow a lot of guys like myself and this just isn't a thing. To be fair I don't have any semi nude or completely nude photos of anyone on my phone, but a dick pic from someone not myself to me feels very strange and weird. I mean, sure, I cannot begin to know what kind of stuff your H is into and I'm not here to kink shame, but if your H has always been into ladies, downloading of dick pics would then be an atypical behavior and the question as to why he would do that seems to head in the direction of covering tracks more than anything else.

To answer your question, yes that is definitely infidelity.

You are new here, and I’m sorry for that as it’s a place we all wish we never knew existed.

I’m going to list some harsh truths.

Cheaters lie. Always. Especially when they are in the height of cheating. Even with undeniable proof, they will lie. They will lie to your face, swear on the grave of their family etc. every BS here has been lied to by the person they trusted the most. I’m sure your H is lying as well, and I’m betting there is much more than you know. There always is. Also, lady A is probably lying as well. Affair Partners (APs) lie as much as the cheater. They met up behind your back, they had sex. And again, does it matter if they did or didn’t? He met up with her behind your back. That’s all you need right there. That’s cheating.

Even if he isn’t lying (he is)and all that has happened is what you discover, he is absolutely not being faithful, and hasn’t been since ever. He isn’t a safe partner at all, and he’s not invested in the marriage.

To me, this is a pattern and I would not invest in the "hope he will change". Maybe some day he will, but I would not hold your breath.

So ask yourself, is this what you want for a relationship? Knowing he is lying and sneaking around, you always always having to be vigilant. That’s a facade of what a real marriage is. Is this what you want? Will this make you happy?

Don’t confront him. It will be same song and dance. He will cry and apologize and blah blah blah. Then he will go back to old way’s because you’re allowing him to. File today. Don’t say anything to him. Make your exit plan, separate finances, find a new place to live.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are pinned posts at the top. They are very helpful. Please read the tactical primer. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

What work has he done in the past year to become a safe partner? It doesn't sound like he's done anything to change from his wayward mind set.

If you read your post and pretend like it's your BFF telling you this, what advice would you give?

Cheaters lie a lot, and then they lie some more. Do you really want to live for years wondering if he's having an A, watching his phone and internet history, aka being the marriage police?

You should still be in your honeymoon phase, and he's out chasing other women. It doesn't sound like a good start.

Your husband is a liar.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to run and never look back.

If I were you, I'd make an appt with your gyno and have her do a complete STD workup on you asap.

Then visit a lawyer or three and file for divorce bc this guy is not husband material.

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

I’m sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Your H has cheated on you from the beginning. His excuses are lies, how many people do you know with accidental dick pic downloads?

Be done with this waste of time. Let him chase whatever it is he’s looking for.

I’m sorry you are here.
In my opinion, you gave him 1 year too much to prove to you he’s a safe partner. He’s never been a safe partner, ever. Your love affair was never exclusive - he has always been seeking some side piece, whether that was online flirting, texting, exchanging pics, or actual meet ups - ALL of that IS cheating. All of that is in fact infidelity. Just ONE month ago he was caught sending dick pics and receiving boob pics from some random woman. He has not changed because THIS IS WHO HE IS. He was doing this before your wedding, the night of your wedding, during your honeymoon and for months after. Truthfully, you probably should have got that marriage annulled the day after you discovered his proclivities because this man is a fraud and you married him thinking he was a good and honorable man. He’s not. He deceived you, tricked you, has continuously lied to you over the course of your entire relationship. Can he be a safe partner? I mean - he’s never been a safe partner so he and you probably don’t even know what being a safe partner looks like. So at this point I’d cut and run. Why would you torture yourself by sticking around to see if this man will change his ways. Your love at the BEGINNING of your relationship wasn’t enough to get him to be faithful to you through the dating phase of the relationship - and he didn’t stop what he was doing through the wedding and the period after. If you were my daughter I would be giving this exact same advice. The other thing is, ever since discovery (on the NIGHT of your wedding!!) you have been playing detective, trying to remain vigilant, observant to his behavior, actions, ways. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life in this kind of marriage? You haven’t had a moments peace where he has been faithful to you at all. Marriage didn’t change him, he’s a serial cheater. Cut. Him. Loose.

I think sometimes people get too caught up in making sure they've got "the smoking gun", but really, the important thing is that you're not happy and you don't feel safe in your relationship. Your WS already has a history and shady behavior is an indicator that he has FAILED to earn back your trust. This isn't a court of law or a game of baseball where the tie goes to the runner. It's enough that you're unhappy and distrustful. If that's not how you want to live your life, it's YOUR life and YOUR choice. The power to make positive change is in your hands, but you can only make change for yourself and no one else.

You gave him a year. He chose to NOT use that time constructively.

((hugs)) It's a tough spot to be in, but if you invest in YOURSELF, you'll be okay.

It has been one year and he has supposedly been "good," and yet you have found various problematic situations. So then you know that the next year and next year and next year will be more of the same because he obviously wants to do these things (or he would have stopped when he promised). If he isn't good in his first year of commitment after crying and promising, then he does not have what it takes to be good.

I am very sorry. I get that you really want him to be different than he obviously is. But you seem to be trying to come up with potential justifications for his searches, pictures, police inquiries, and text messages. How many weird and improbable things have to happen for you to admit the painful truth? I am not trying to be cruel, but the only logical, rational reason that ALL of these things keep happening is that he is doing all of this behind your back and isn't going to stop. He lives a double life. Some waywards do this.

You are in a very unsafe situation--your physical health, financial health, and legal standing, not to mention your mental health. At any time you may end up with a serious STD or worse. He may be charged with something that you will have to pay for--lawsuits, lawyers. He could get someone pregnant and you'd have to pay for an other child. He will lose a lot of marital money to paying for services and gifts, hotels, etc.

I am very sorry for your pain, but how can you risk so much with him participating in such unsafe, shady, unpredictable behavior???? I am worried for you. There are so many things even worse than a broken heart that could happen.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:38 AM, Thursday, August 10th]

If you stay, you will get more of the same and he will get better at lying.

You didn’t sign up for this, he hasn’t been faithful since before you married him.

I agree, protect yourself and divorce asap.

Please consider getting an std panel.

Good luck

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry that you (or any of us) are here. This may not be physical infidelity, but it is emotional cheating. He's being secretive about it. That's what makes it cheating. There may be no understandable reason for it, or he may have something in his psychological make-up that is compelling him to act this way. The fact that Boob Girl described his equipment as "adult," suggests that he may have a VERY serious problem.

For what it's worth, my advice is to get tested for STD's for the sake of your own physical health. Then get into counseling -- together or alone, but your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Then sit down and tell yourself that you cannot change him. The only one who can change him is him. And he has to want to change. By letting him continue this way without any consequences, you may be enabling his behavior.

Talk to a lawyer about your responsibility for reporting his interaction with Boob Girl and about how to get ready for divorce proceedings. A long time ago, I took Red Cross Junior Life Saving. My teacher said that Rule Number 1 is "Only one person drowns." If you can't save a drowning person, make sure you save yourself. If this guy is in deep water, don't dive in after him.

There are lots of good, kind, honest, decent, and psychologically stable men out there who aren't trying to hook up with Thai bikini models.

Love 💕 your post com1C!

Going to use that - only 1 person drowns. 👍🏻

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:03 PM, Monday, August 14th]

He married you under false pretenses; if you get moving now, you could probably get an annulment.

If you haven’t already, don’t have sex with him anymore and get tested for STDs ASAP.

For every cockroach you see, there are a thousand you don’t… and you’ve already seen too many to count.