Am I being a controlling spouse?

Three things -- Wife admitted to an EA three years ago. She's still in contact with the AP, and has refused to go no contact, has refused to let me see texts or emails, and has said that it would be a "deal breaker" for our marriage if I insisted on any of the above. (1) Serious question -- Am I being a controlling spouse or a bully if I insist that she go no contact with this guy or demand access to her phone to, I don't know, see what she has been up to with the AP, so I can have some peace of mind? (2) Also serious -- I'm an old man and spending the rest of my life alone isn't a happy prospect. Any good stories about finding meaningful love so late in life? And (3) not a serious question -- Aren't there any more pointed words to use about this whole sordid mess than "affair," which sounds like a formal dinner party, or "affair partner," which sounds like the person seated next to you at that dinner party by the hostess?

16 comments posted: Monday, December 9th, 2024

Consequences of Emotional Affair

I don't know what to do. After almost 40 years of marriage, I believe my W has been having an emotional affair with, oh let’s call him Bozo, for the past year. She denies that there is a strong emotional connection, saying that she doesn’t even know Bozo all that well, and she also denies any physical interaction, giving the traditional "nothing happened" response even though she admits there was a strong attraction between them at first. But, she did lie to me and deceive me about the existence of the relationship at the beginning; she has said that she will not give me access to her phone; she has refused to stop seeing Bozo, even if that is a deal breaker for the marriage. On the other hand, From her behavior now, I think it is fair to infer that whatever the relationship was in the past, it is just a friendship now. She meets Bozo for coffee or lunch or, though she denies it, for drinks after work. (Bozo works in the next skyscraper over – they are not co-workers.)

She knows that her continued association with Bozo causes me immense pain, and she has apologized for causing that pain. She continues to inflict that pain, however, and she has not apologized for the lies and deceit because she doesn’t think she has done anything wrong.

I’m wondering, if she knows the pain she is causing and she hardly knows this guy as she claims, why she didn’t she drop this guy right away?

Is a purely emotional affair no big deal? If I think it is a big deal and she doesn’t, am I still justified in my objections or am I just being hyper-controlling?

Is there anyone out there who has experience with living with a Bozo of your own interfering in your marital happiness?

44 comments posted: Tuesday, December 27th, 2022