SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello friends –
It's been a good long while since I posted. I'm 7 years past D-Day and nearly 4 years post-divorce. I was the BW in my situation. Since the divorce, I've reinvented myself as a single person, and I'm really quite content with my new life. I consider myself healed. Though I rarely post, I come here regularly to read, because SI people always have useful things to say, in my experience.

In the agonizing months after I discovered my xWH's affair, this site was such a safe haven for me. So, in the interest of giving back to this community that has given so much to me, I'm here today to share a little piece of insight that I recently uncovered for myself. This is it, here's my insight for today: When xWH said to me "Can't you just get over it?" that's when I knew it was over. I had been in love with that man for 14 years. I would've taken a bullet for him. When I discovered his affair, it had been going on for 5 years. I was so invested in the idea of us being soul-mates that I just couldn't process the reality of his unfaithfulness. I desperately wanted for things to go back to how they were pre-infidelity. But there's no going back. Infidelity changes everything. EVERYTHING. But I wanted to reconcile, so I tried. I attempted reconciliation all by lonesome self, with no help from my wayward spouse, and it was (predictably) a fucking disaster. At some point during our so-called reconciliation, he got frustrated and hurled those words at me: "Can't you just get over it?"

My gut-level response was: "Yeah, I can get over it. But getting over IT is going to mean getting over YOU."

And it turns out I was right. I mean... if the person who caused me all that harm and damage was not willing to lift a finger to help me recover from it, why would I want to stay with him anyway?

So I did it: I got over it, and I got over him. And my life is better now. If you're a betrayed partner and your wayward wants you to "just get over it," I say GO AHEAD. Do it. Get over it. Get over that asshole. Forget about that asshole and move on. You deserve it. There are better days ahead.

Thank you for sharing this. There is a great deal of wisdom in your words.

"Can't you just get over it" from a WS conveys a desire to rugsweep and not do the hard work to R. So glad you found another way to "just get over it".

👏👏👏

Very insightful and a great post.

LOVE THIS !!! Thank you for sharing!!

"Can’t you just get over it" is the attitude that ultimately killed my marriage.

"Can’t you just get over it" once uttered, is a bad omen for successful R. Even a rookie unenlightened WS with a modest capacity for empathy should innately understand the gravity of their betrayal, the level of damage done and instinctively know not to ever speak these words, and a WS who is further along the path of R, who has done the requisite reading, counseling and research should DEFINITELY know that there’s no "just getting over it" and to never say the words. Said in frustrated anger is one thing, but when it repeatedly comes up…

Empathy is so crucially fundamental to successful R, and this statement demonstrates the lack there of.

Incidentally, my WS’s quack counselor actually gave me a deadline to get over it and never bring it up again just six months out from D-Day and my WS jumped on that bandwagon regardless of everything she read to the contrary.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:59 AM, Monday, August 7th]

"Can’t you just get over it" is the attitude that ultimately killed my marriage.

"Can’t you just get over it" once uttered, is a bad omen for successful R. Even a rookie unenlightened WS with a modest capacity for empathy should innately understand the gravity of their betrayal, the level of damage done and instinctively know not to ever speak these words, and a WS who is further along the path of R, who has done the requisite reading, counseling and research should DEFINITELY know that there’s no "just getting over it" and to never say the words. Said in frustrated anger is one thing, but when it repeatedly comes up…

Empathy is so crucially fundamental to successful R, and this statement demonstrates the lack there of.

Incidentally, my WS’s quack counselor actually gave me a deadline to get over it and never bring it up again just six months out from D-Day and my WS jumped on that bandwagon regardless of everything she read to the contrary.

Well said - my take is if the Wayward does not show empathy - just walk -

Like your xWS my xWS also told me to get over it. I will never forget the day I asked him how he could continue the A after seeing me fall apart, not able to mother my kids and ended up having to be hospitalized. His answer to me was that no one cared to listen to me anymore. That’s when I knew I was done. I got over it alright, same way you did, by leaving and getting over him. Best decision in my lifetime.

Thank you, you're right, getting over it, does mean getting over him, not only him but my way of life, we've been married for 35 years. I have heard those words from my H, no I can't just get over it and pretend nothing happened He travels for work to other countries, he no doubt has a "wife" in all 4 countries, I've uncovered 3, I don't know for sure about the 4th one butI did see a message on his phone from "Jenny" that said come back babe, so I think #4 is a safe assumption. It's been 3 years since the last one, he no longer travels so I get him by default, I don't want someone else's sloppy seconds and I can't pretend anymore. I'm not ever going to be over it until he's gone, I'm not going to be happy until I leave and start over. It's going to be scary after so many years, but I know I can do it

Thank you for posting and giving an update of your new life with happiness.

Infidelity is so hard to accept especially coming from the person you trust the most in the world. I’m so happy for you that you guided yourself to where you are now!!! Congratulations!!!!

Forget about that asshole and move on. You deserve it. There are better days ahead.

Couldn’t have said it better myself 😂