SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, I'm back. (Never really left, just wasn't posting). Anyway, since you all told me the deal I made with my wife about NC with SI here for 3 months in exchange for her starting IC was a bad deal (you were all right) I've decided to tell my wife the deal is off. She's only had one IC visit and I don't think anything came of it. She just said at the end of the session that her counselor said fight like heqll for the marriage and she said that's the plan. Let's just say we all have differing opinions of what "fight" means. Also, last weekend she noticed for the first time in two months that I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. She informed me that she didn't like it and I told her she didn't have to like it. I told her that seeing that ring every day reminded me of her broken vows and promises. It was causing me to be depressed and it's now off as it makes me feel better. She then threw me the "for better or worse" comment. That comment had to sink in for a couple days but I now see it as I should subscribe to "for better or worse" but that didn't have to apply to her when she had her affair. She is still selfish and she is still a threat to my safety. But to the main point of my post. I just started reading a book this morning at 1 am (yup, still not sleeping worth a shit) called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith (not sure if I'm allowed to recommend a book here or not). It's an assertiveness training book and so far it very well describes my passive-aggressive mentality and how my wife and others have manipulated me over the years. It's been very enlightening and I can feel it giving me a new sense of inner strength. I did the pick me dance for quite a while and had I read this book years ago, I doubt I'd of had the self doubt to be taken advantage of or be manipulated to bend to my wife's will. I'm hell bent on change and becoming a stronger minded and assertive individual. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

I’m glad you’re finding the book helpful. I suspect many of us BS’s can use some assertiveness training.

A book that really helped me was Living and Loving After Betrayal, by Steven Stosny. It helps you focus on healing yourself and recognizing your worth and strengthening your core values. It was a lifesaver for me.

It's funny how the "for better or worse" can come out, but the WS already broke the "forsaking all others" part.

There's a forum for books. When you're finished with the book, maybe do a book review? It may be helpful for other members.

I am truly sorry you are going through this.

My hard Wi advice is to take exquisite care of yourself when dealing with a still wayward. My experience was that it is a mindset that bends the truth. The truth was forsaking all others.

The word NO is a complete sentence. No to lying. No to cheating. No to self for even one more day of contempt by another. No to self for believing lies, including the ones to self.

Getting to reality means letting go of the last vestiges of hope that this really did not happen. It is like being gutted but by letting sunshine in we begin to heal from the wound. It took me a long time, after I did a masterful job of not confronting, that I needed to ask. Enough time had passed that I caught him and he admitted. We were young. Too young to be parents of several children and I guess his travels gave him respite from it all but in cheating he changed the unconditional love I had given him. Without actually verbalizing it I told myself NO that my new job gave me the ability to leave if it ever happened again. Somehow, during that time we both grew up. Our marriage is pretty good and we have great kids.

If you don’t see any change in attitude and behavior what do you really have? That is the bottom line. You basically have the equivalent of a low grade fever that does not improve. It will eventually take its toll on your mental and physical health.

Hi there,

I read a few of your threads, but I’m not sure I fully understand the situation.

This is my understanding. You and your wife grew distant throughout your marriage. It sounds, as if neither one of you nurtured your marriage for all kinds of reasons I’m sure. I understand, to be honest, I did the same thing.

Then you found out about a nine month affair and my question is, is it done? Or is it still ongoing. I’m going to assume it’s done. If it is ongoing, I think you need to take the next steps and get out of infidelity. I know it’s been 20 months or so since D-Day

Anyways, I apologize if I don’t know everything, but I do you want to say that you aren’t alone. That sounds kind of similar to how my marriage was. It wasn’t great. We too had some periods where things got spicy again and it was good. It never lasted more than a year. I would say out of my 24 year marriage before D-Day, less than half of it was happy.

I think I’m a little like your wife, I was lazy during the marriage and didn’t put the effort or the right kinds of effort. I was fixing the wrong problem I think. I I imagine it is likely that she doesn’t realize what she’s not doing. She doesn’t know what she should be doing.

When someone’s like that, they need support and encouragement. It can’t be from you. It Has to be from a counsellor. Part of the problem isn’t just the marriage for her or her cheating. The problem is her, she Has to understand why she’s actually too lazy to fight for the marriage and right now she is really kind of selfish. To have a counsellor say fight like hell for the marriage to someone who is behaving selfishly, is not productive. The counsellor should be helping her understand her motivation, or lack there of, educate and connect her to how she can make these changes in her self, therefore improving the marriage. To help educate her how and what she needs to do to fight like hell for the marriage. And your wife needs to go to counseling, this is not a one session type therapy. It’s long-term.

This garbage about for better for worse is bullshit. I’m sorry she said that. All of this is for worse. She needs to work to make it better.

There are no negotiations in reconciliation after infidelity. There is certainly healthy negotiation in a marriage that is working or improving. And I’ll be honest, there is absolutely no harm in you coming here and posting. And that is not your wife choice.

I think at this point, you need to decide if you’re willing to reconcile and what are your deal breakers. If you’re still willing to go forward, put your ring back on. I fully understand that it reminds you of the cheating.

I agree with you should decide what is important to you, what you want, and what is healthy for you and your future. If that’s your wife, great. If it’s not, then consider divorce and talk about it with your wife. don’t stay in a limbo state, it’s not healthy for anyone.

I wish you the best

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:00 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

A remorseful WS: "I'm so sad that my choices and hurtful behavior caused you to take off your ring. I don't blame you. But I will show you that I can change and we can create a new marriage that you can feel proud of. I'm sorry."

A remorseless WS: your WW's reaction

And one IC appt? Please tell me she has several more in the calendar because one appt is enough time for the IC to take notes on the names and relationships in the family--for background! That's it. My WH has been in IC for several years now, so "fixing herself" should look like a many, many appointment commitment.

Sounds like a very good book.

I took off my wedding ring 2 months post dday. Never put back on. You are ok. If she's upset, let her deal with it. It's not really your issue.

No idea why someone would put rules on you. Seems kinda odd.

I think the better or worse had to do with things like health, financial difficulty, ... not violating the vows. When you violate the vows...you sort of cancel out the better/worse thing.

If I stop paying my mortgage and then restart 5 months later, it's not like a bank is going to say "ok, we good."

She then threw me the "for better or worse" comment.

For better or worse has nothing to do with ring wearing. I'm continually astounded at what WS focus on.