SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The1stWife

The1stWife..You are spot on absolutely correct about the ever renewing and enlarging pool of potential AP's, plying their sick craft,looking for weak boundaries and visible vulnerabilities. Sometimes it's so ridiculously obvious and pathetic. My WW's AP was one of about a half dozen doctors, second and third year Residents in a teaching hospital, a sort of fraternity of promiscuity who were busily working their way sexually through the segment of willing married and single nurses eager to oblige the base desires of these medical lotharios. WW's AP had several females from the pharmacy and the X-Ray departments ahead of her and had other nurses after her.. but none of that deterred her. She was an AP too and willingly and blithely put her AP doctor's marriage at potential risk too. Is something I will never understand.

sisoon, thank you.

My H is an ACA and experienced abuse and neglect in his childhood, which I (and MC) believe led to his flawed decision-making process and probably entitlement, too. I've expressed my anger, but I have always tended to temper it with empathy, which may be what has me stuck. I'm in IC; I'll bring this up with him at my next appointment.

Focusing on 'why' and 'how' is often a way of distancing oneself from oneself. It's also often a way of thinking one controls something one can't control.

Control. Oof. Yes. If I can understand something, I think I might be able to control it or account for it and somehow make it make sense.

My H changed to a non-cheating partner and was very supportive of my pain, but his thinking still stayed wayward, especially concerning toys and money. We're both in IC and back in MC, and things have improved dramatically. He's learning to frame his decisions as being on the same TEAM with me, and that is really, really helping.

We aren't talking about a segment of the population with the deepest and evolved critical thinking skills. It's probably a range of things that drives people to be AP's.

It could be the illicit nature. The excitement of doing something so "bad". Maybe it's a form of being a bully. Or just the physical. Or financial. Or a sense that the "story" being told is real and they are eventually going to enter into a normal relationship. It could be a distorted sense of how things work. Or they operate like bees, unaware of that they have agency and can make decisions.

One or all these things.

It probably varies and has multiple angles by scenario.

One thing is clear, it's not the most well read mind that does this. And in many ways, those of us with empathy, a sense of moral clarity and a desire to life an authentic life can never really understand.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 11:07 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

Hi cedarwoods,

I am sorry if someone has said this but I didn’t read all the responses.

Your husband is an ap, his ap is an ap. They are made likely from similar character flaws, coping mechanisms, boundary issues, etc:

People who have affairs have a lot of the same characteristics and behaviors. You will never know how the AP’s Issues were formed.

She is selfish, entitled, hasn’t an acceptable integrity to be married, is likely an escapist.

But I agree with sisson I am not sure that helps you heal. You see, I hate my husbands AP too. I knew her well, trusted her in my home, paid her salary. I know her issues are likely not much different than mine were when I had my afffair.

However, she rents no space in my head. Healing for me was figuring out how to change that channel. I think it starts with wanting to, and at least you have reached that point. You are sick of thinking about her. Figure out what to fill that space with instead and practice diligently.

"We aren't talking about a segment of the population with the deepest and evolved critical thinking skills."

Beside this being a generalization I don't think this is true.

Lots of very intelligent people who have jobs requiring critical thinking cheat.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the quote?

Most APs are also WSs, so this might be a good question for your husband to answer.

The AP is single and divorced. Gosh not a day goes by without my thinking about her.

Her being a single lady doesn’t negate what people are saying.

She pursued a married man. This means her issues are about finding unavailable men. Some people choose unavailable because they needs to have the dram and chaos in the relationship for it to feel like love.

She has the same lack of integrity and entitlement and selfishness as a ws. Unless she didn’t know he was married which I take is not the case.

She is self abandoning as well- putting herself in that position could never be in her best interests.

But again, I hate my husbands AP despite understanding her. This is more about being traumatized, it’s common for a bs to ruminate or feel in fear, or have a sense of doom. But to get past this intrusive thoughts you may have to process that through therapy. I have had issues with rumination myself and it’s a pattern that requires both healing and being mindful of my thoughts so they could be redirected.

IMO, BS sometimes give an almost mythical status to the AP.

Like a superhero who has some kind of "origin story" which led them to their "superpower" of being an AP.

Like they have some innate ability to somehow be super sexy, or super attractive, or so super seductive to woo the WS into the A.

In reality they have ONE ability that supersedes any ability that they have which makes them an AP. More than lack of integrity or some trauma, or some 'brokenness' that allows them to be an AP.

Their biggest ability is.....AVAILABILITY.

More times than not the AP was just the person that was at the right place at that moment when the wayward was vulnerable/open to being their most wayward. EVERYTHING else comes AFTER that.

If the AP is not there and available to the WS in the right moment, they are never able to play on each other's lack of integrity, or brokenness, or selfishness.

If the wayward mentality is not there then the potential AP being available doesnt matter and if the wayward mentality is at a high level but no potential AP is available then there is no outlet.

Problem is, There are millions of people who have the characteristics that can lead to them being an AP. If any two can come together and are available to one another than it is quite easy for affairs to spring up.

Traydee
You are absolutely right.
I do put the AP on a pedestal. In my mind’s eyes, I see her as being glamorous, sexy, attractive, seductive, good in bed, alluring, and all things men would want in a woman.
I think of her this way based on some things i know about her, few photos on google search, VAR recordings, and what WH said while he was in the affair.
But you are right. She just happened to be available. One SI wayward wrote he chose the AP because "she had a pulse"
It’s just hard to get my head to believe otherwise when my WH was so in love with her, risked everything for her, left me for her, couldn’t break free from her until she dumped him. She HAD TO HAVE BEEN amazing? No? The tricks my brain plays are cruel.

HikingOUt
"Her issues are about finding unavailable men" is true as well. Her relationship prior to my WH was with a man who had a pregnant girlfriend he supposedly had broken up with. But he was still living with the girlfriend.

Thank you all for helping me to see from a different perspective. It really is so very helpful

Their biggest ability is.....AVAILABILITY.

More times than not the AP was just the person that was at the right place at that moment when the wayward was vulnerable/open to being their most wayward. EVERYTHING else comes AFTER that.

If the AP is not there and available to the WS in the right moment, they are never able to play on each other's lack of integrity, or brokenness, or selfishness.

This 100%. This is why I place all the blame on my WH for our situation - had he not been "vulnerable/open" it would have never happened. Period.

There are plenty of people who make ploys for your attention - some of them have nefarious intent from the get go but most "fall into" this sort of thing because of timing and shitty boundaries.

This may be a stupid and futile effort but I feel the need to understand WHY and HOW some become APs. I read on SI of situations where affair ends, wayward returns to spouse/partner and works on reconciliation. Then some time later the AP is back in the picture ad brings even more devastation to the betrayed.
I just don’t understand how someone can do such a thing. Can someone shed some light?

It’s simple. You are trying to understand something through your own moral code that APs don’t share. I don’t understand how and why my WW did the things she did because my moral code wouldn’t allow that type of behavior.

Also, like others have said, many waywards are also APs. This is true of my WW. 4 of her APs were also married. When I asked her how she felt about the OBS’s (one was pregnant and delivered her first child during the affair) she responded "their (the APs) marriage isn’t MY problem or concern (apparently, her own marriage wasn’t either…)". That shows you the selfishness involved. "Imma get mine".

Also, with many of these affairs having married APs on both sides of the coin, it’s an interesting dynamic. No one likes to be the "bad guy" in this story. So who is? It’s all based on perspective. Was my poor, innocent wife "groomed" by some Lothario? Was she the "temptress" who seduced these poor, innocent men? No, to me they are all shitty people with lax morals. Who they betrayed is the problem. I don’t blame the APs particularly (but I wouldn’t stop to piss on them if they were on fire). They found an attractive, immoral, extremely immature woman willing to have sex with them. They lacked the fortitude to "say no". Neither party was giving two shits about me….."Imma get mine". Anyone willing to betray their own spouse, won’t worry about the OBS. Single people care even less….

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

TRAYDEE..Thank you for the very insightful assessment of the paramount importance of the "availability" factor in how affairs start. There has to be a mutual predisposition..A sort of "mens rea".. an openness to, a willingness or intention on both sides, even if it takes one party to lead or initiate the affair with an opening gambit or perhaps begin grooming a vulnerable potential partner. My WW admits she had daydreamed and fantasized about sex with the handsome ex military surgeon supervisorof the ER where she worked, and unscrupulous doctor sparkleshlong picked up cues about how she fancied a bit of recreational sex with him, and the short fun " fling"that WW had envisaged, inevitably became an LTA which she successfully hid from me for five decades.

"We aren't talking about a segment of the population with the deepest and evolved critical thinking skills."

Beside this being a generalization I don't think this is true.

Lots of very intelligent people who have jobs requiring critical thinking cheat.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the quote?

My WW graduated from a top business school. Is highly respected at work. And in that environment, she's rational, deliberate and thoughtful.

But when she joined social media and started getting compliments on her looks from former BFs, it was obvious that it was catnip to her and all reasoning left her head. How do I know? Because in MC, it was 100% obvious that she had not rationally thought thru her choices or the consequences. She had unprotected sex with men whose very actions indicated they exhibited poor decision making skills...and yet to her, this all made sense in her mental echo chamber.

Comments are often filled with generalizations and unless we write like Tolstoy, it will be hard to operate with a level of specificity that true communication requires.

I'll close by saying I had plenty of items to be critical of my WW during our marriage. But having an A never crossed my mind because it seemed so disrespectful to the mother of my sons and would be a poor example to them if they found out. I can remember chatting with an old high school girlfriend and realizing how dangerous this was, and stopping it.

But clearly - after reading some of my WW's text and emails during her descent into A - she didn't not hold the same principals.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 12:39 AM, Wednesday, August 9th]