Still lying?

I am 8 almost 9 months past WW EA/PA with a coworker. It lasted about 2 months, 3000 texts 22 hours of phone conversation. One hotel visit where she gave a hand job and oral, because she was too nervous to have sex. This happened early in the fling. She kept talking to him and kept texting and video calls.
Texts and calls lasted til 1 or 2 am many nights because I work evening shift and get home often between 1 and 2 am.

WW broke it off immediately upon discovery, but TT for another month. The lies that she told during this time of TT hurt more than the actions…at least the ones I am able to verify through call logs and google maps location history.

I still am having a hard time rebuilding trust. She has been fearful of my triggers and flooding. I have felt that she might not be telling me the truth because in my mind if she had full intercourse with him and is still lying about it, that would be a dealbreaker. However I may never know the truth there.

My problem is I feel like she is still lying. She is portraying this relationship as a nothing relationship, where she started out receiving attention and adoration which dried up quickly as he kept asking for sex and money. She would give him $20 here and $30 there because she would not entertain the larger things that he asked her for like help with an apartment or buying a car. She gave "loaned" him money he would never pay back. The guy was a real loser but she kept entertaining him even though the ego kibbles dried up. She said she tried to friend zone him but he kept coming at her.

It feels like she is still minimizing this relationship by saying things like all they talked about was his baby mama drama, and his dysfunctional family and what was going on at work. She says that she tried to escape the fling several times but he "just latched on". I see it as HER keeping it going herself to some extent, with every text and every phone call.

She has been a very remorseful spouse and worked hard on her IC. We have had 5 sessions of MC.

But I am still angry at the minimizing of what she did. There is no way she had that many late night text sessions and phone calls and it was only about work and baby mama drama. There is no way she was "trying to end it" while she was still initiating conversations. It feels like if she cant admit to herself what really was going on, then can she truly be a safe partner to me.

Am I wrong to still be feeling this way?

16 comments posted: Saturday, April 22nd, 2023