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BearlyBreathing, you nailed it. That's exactly how I felt.

Our situations definitely have some parallels, ball of anxiety.

Part of the reason I knew instantly who the AP was is that she and my husband had gone on a multi-week work trip six months prior. In fact, when he returned and was talking about her, I had a little twinge of suspicion/jealousy. However, I dismissed it because I didn’t want to be "that wife." My daughter had gone with them, and I couldn’t imagine an affair starting up when you have a teenager in tow (🤮), and the co-worker definitely had this persona of a dedicated mother and wife (to a clergyperson, no less). She was also very nice to me, and I was taken in by her persona and her outspoken commitment to moral and ethical causes that are important to me. Also, I generally have a very supportive stance toward women in my husband’s field. They are a minority and are often treated badly and not compensated equally.

So, the moment of suspicion passed, him talking about her faded over time in a way that felt natural as we were caught up with caring for his dying sister, building a garage apartment for his elderly mom to move into, and dealing with kids and stressful jobs in the heyday of the pandemic.

What I’m saying in a roundabout way is that the OBS "knowing on some level" is even MORE of a reason to tell them what you know. Having an inkling or a suspicion, or being in Woodsracer’s situation where you feel like you know, but have no proof, sets a BS up for mental turmoil and self-doubt, and makes them easy prey for gaslighting and deceit.

[This message edited by Grieving at 5:59 PM, Thursday, July 27th]

I knew my WW had an infatuation with OM. I couldn't conceive that it could possibly be anything more. At least that was my conscious response at the time. There was no possible way that she would ever allow herself to do anything that would hurt me.

She went away on a trip for her side business on her birthday weekend. She felt just terrible that we would be apart. The event was two hours away so she would stay for the whole weekend. Half an hour from OMs town.

She always called when she arrived at her destination. This time she didn't so I was worried. I called and there was no answer. I remember thinking, "If I go there will his car be there?" The thought shocked me. I immediately pushed that out of my head. It was just not possible.

Eventually around midnight she called in a panic and went on about how busy things were and how terrible she felt for not calling.

It was two more months before I allowed myself to dig through her emails after catching a glimpse of an explicit cartoon OM sent her. Even after finding explicit emails I still told myself that they were just fantasizing.

She admitted to an EA when I confronted. It was two weeks before she admitted to a PA. But she always minimized how often and denied that he ever spent the night.

So on some level my lizard brain knew what was going on. I just couldn't bring myself to entertain the idea consciously for more than an instant.

Only many years later did she admit that the PA was more frequent than she had said and that he did spend the night on multiple occasions. He was in the room that night while she called me from the bathroom to plead about how terrible she felt for not calling sooner.

I'll accept that I knew something was going wrong in my M. I considered an A and asked about one, but I believed my W's answers. I think many - maybe most - of us would say the same. That's a far cry from knowing explicitly that it was an A that was the problem.

I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t believe he would cheat but gosh I was suspicious. He was really good though. There was not one piece of real evidence that I could find and I looked.

we had problems, there was lots of flags, I just believed in him. I believed that we would and could get back to where we were. I thought he was better than he was. So when the excuses came, they sounded reasonable.

I think the best thing that’s come out of this is, I will never blindly trust again. I’d like to say that I’m smarter. I don’t know that yet.

I concur with Sisoon about sensing something lacking in the relationship, in my case from the very beginning of our married life. We hadn't lived together prior to getting married, and with his 39 years spent as a supposedly celebate bachelor, I tended to cut him a ton of slack about a lot of cool and distancing behaviors, since being married was a big adjustment for both of us; I'd been on my own for 12 years, too. But there were times when I believe I stifled a still, small sense of concern about his seeming lack of enthusiasm for me. Like I had morphed from his lady friend into a trusty piece of furniture, or something.

When D-Day happened only 4 years into the marriage, my entire scaffolding of excuses for his ways just collapsed. Turned out his life history was filled with prostitutes from the time he was 18! Not at all the dedicated-to-his-job ascetic his buddies all had assured me he was - not to mention the lies he'd told to cover that aspect of his past, which included our dating years.

So, in that sense, hindsight is 20-20, yeah, okay. But had any therapist suggested to me that somehow, I knew he'd be like that, it would have been my one and only session, I'm sure. Nobody else could believe it, either, so he fooled a LOT of us.

In fact, when he returned and was talking about her, I had a little twinge of suspicion/jealousy. However, I dismissed it because I didn’t want to be "that wife." My daughter had gone with them, and I couldn’t imagine an affair starting up when you have a teenager in tow (🤮), and the co-worker definitely had this persona of a dedicated mother and wife (to a clergyperson, no less). She was also very nice to me, and I was taken in by her persona and her outspoken commitment to moral and ethical causes that are important to me. Also, I generally have a very supportive stance toward women in my husband’s field. They are a minority and are often treated badly and not compensated equally.

I thought the same about AP befriending me, no one would do that! Also, EXACTLY the same re: women as a minority in the field. That was part of how the STBXH spun my becoming friends with AP, as a successful woman, albeit in a different field, I could guide and mentor her. That was also how he explained spending so much time helping her at work, he was being a feminist ally. He definitely used my beliefs in feminism and helping women against me.

What I’m saying in a roundabout way is that the OBS "knowing on some level" is even MORE of a reason to tell them what you know. Having an inkling or a suspicion, or being in Woodsracer’s situation where you feel like you know, but have no proof, sets a BS up for mental turmoil and self-doubt, and makes them easy prey for gaslighting and deceit.

As soon as I found out and got separation papers signed I sent a letter to OBS. Turns out he'd been having suspicions for months and had put a tracker on her car, leading him to discover proof of the affair. He discovered that about a month before my STBXH confessed. After OBS received the letter he called immediately and has become a great source of support.

That was part of how the STBXH spun my becoming friends with AP, as a successful woman, albeit in a different field, I could guide and mentor her.

My xWS wanted me to help the MOW (before I knew they were even in an A) with her issues with her abusive husband. Since I had past experience with an abusive boyfriend he thought I could help MOW

My spidey senses were going off the richter during this time. I had not a clue it was MOW. I had met her on 2 occasions, xWS brought her to our home as she worked for him. I knew that she was riding in the car with him often for business deliveries which made me feel uncomfortable.

I even told my therapist a month before D-Day (2012) with MOW that I wouldn't be surprised if he was having an A. He was.

Yes, ball of anxiety—my husband was a feminist ally too. 🤮🤮🤮🤮

I have asked myself this question often and want to tell myself that I trusted him and felt without a doubt that he would never do something like this to me after everything we have been through.

But thinking back I know my gut tried to tell me things, I heard a song during his a about someone cheating. "She don’t have to know" I remember telling him about it and how sick it made me feel. And I remember just blurting out in a few txts if he was out with his g/f.

The truth is I bypassed trusting my gut to trust someone I don’t feel I even know. Have I ever known him?

This is very painful for me to acknowledge and I am working on forgiving myself for not trusting myself. Because why wouldn’t I want to trust MY husband to stand by his word and be the one who protects my heart, me and our children?

I was completly blindsided, both by who it was with and that it involved (faux) emotional connection. She was a friend and I knew he didn't find her attractive. Turns out he'd turned down several overtures from her but never told me, then decided to get some extra on the side and figured she'd already indicated she'd be willing. During the A, our sex life declined slightly in frequency which I chalked up to aging, and he became slightly more impatient with me (he's normally very mellow), but otherwise there were no red flags. My father was dying and I was working full-time, traveling across the country every six weeks to help my siblings, and parenting a tween. I'm sure I would have figured it out eventually, but at the time, I was so stressed anyhow that I chalked up the subtle signs to him being stressed too. When I found used condoms at home and realized it was someone I knew (because he lied that it was a one-off and I was able to prove that lie), I kept guessing who it was but never guessed her even though I knew they had become closer 'friends.'

I have been thinking of what I wrote in my last post here. I think BearlyBreathing has explained it exactly as it was in my case.

In hindsight I see all the red flags. But I made excuses for him. He was on such a high pedestal there was no way he could be a horse.

Learning to trust my gut more and see him for who he truly is.

Thank you for this thought provoking post.