SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm very much dreading our new attempt at therapy. He cheated, years ago. At the time, we had twin toddlers. I did E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, mowing lawns, trimming hedges, all these done IF and WHEN the two babies slept at the same time. I turned every cent many times. Spent hours on things to save money. Ran all errands.

A long time after his cheating, I finally convinced him that we need help! He always protested saying that therapy can be damaging. We endes up at the worst counsellor possible (locally we have a total option of three) who basically told me it's Gods will and all that is needed is for me to forgive.

Fast forward years. I'm still in this hole he dug. I can't talk to anyone about it - small town wirh all its drama. I tried getting help at a proper mental health institution, but its 5hours away and it is almost impossible to do it under the radar.

He kept asking when will I get over this. Where are we headed. Do I even carr. And so on. Our discussions head nowhere. I say what I feel. He hears "you are shit and wrong". So finally we are trying again at another therapist who seems to be a qualified psychologist. I seriously do not need to be run over and bullied again. He is a smooth talker and manipulator, and I can't compete with that. If this fails we don"t have a chance at rescuing things.

He kept asking when will I get over this.

This is why you are stuck. He has no remorse, and expects you to just get over it and stop talking about it.

No amount of therapy will change this. Especially since it's been years since he's cheated. This is who he is.

He had to be "convinced" that the two of you need MC. He should be moving mountains. He's not. Dragging him through R will never work.

He doesn't want to divorce. That's not the same thing as wanting true reconciliation.

Not all marriages should be saved..or can be.

I’m so sorry. We actually had two great MC experiences. But, even the first one called my by OW’s name a couple of times….unintentionally. I’m also in small town and EVERYONE knows. Mostly, because I didn’t keep it a secret when I was really struggling. Do you have a girlfriend you can confide in? Not all therapists are good. FWH tried IC for awhile and the dude just kept falling asleep. Small town again, when I mentioned that to a friend, she said that he was known for that. I find that most people who haven’t experienced infidelity OR are wayward have a tendency to downplay the utter devastation we experience.

You’ve had something terrible happen to you. It would be only natural for you to "linger" on it. I’m not sure we’re meant to completely let this go. We’ve evolved to protect ourselves. You might hold onto this for a long time. You’ll get over this when you do….and not a moment sooner. And you don’t have to. You don’t have to stay. If this is too much, you can tap out at any time. Take care of you and your babies. He will step up OR not. That will tell you everything you need to know.
I’m so sorry

Along w/ what Hellfire said - he is not remorseful. Therefore couples therapy will not help.

I would suggest that you seek out therapy for yourself to heal yourself. You are the only one that can do that. A good therapist will guide you to do that. Then you can decide if you want to stay w/ him or not. Not saying one way is right or wrong, but you can decide what you want.

See a good therapist. See an attorney. Start figuring out what you want your future to look like.

I strongly recommend that you seek a counselor who's experienced with trauma and infidelity. Someone who specializes in sexual addiction is usually a good choice because they deal a lot with infidelity. I'd steer clear of anything associated with a church, especially one mired in patriarchal ideals.

While it's true that he isn't presenting as a good candidate for R, I believe that counseling can really help some people to learn to own their shit.

I also think that IC would help you to gain strength and set boundaries, especially regarding carrying the entire load of the marriage. It would be good for you to start IC first with someone who specializes in trauma. And maybe one of your boundaries for staying in the marriage is that he seeks IC for himself.

I believe that counseling can really help some people to learn to own their shit.

Absolutely..when the person wants to seek help, and is willing to be honest with their IC, and put in the work to change.

I finally convinced him that we need help! He always protested saying that therapy can be damaging.

He is a smooth talker and manipulator,

He doesn't seem to feel he's the problem. It's been years since dday,and his wife says he's manipulative and a bully.

OP..MC is not a miracle worker. Those going will only get out of it,what they put into it.

I agree, HellFire, which is why I recommended that OP start with some IC so that she can gain some strength and learn to set healthy boundaries. If her H doesn't change or do the work, then Legless can make decisions from a place of power because she'll have worked on her issues.

Please find your own counselor. There are tons online that could be a great fit for you.

Anytime a cheater says "when will you get over it" — well that’s a huge red flag 🚩 for me. It means they do not understand the damage that was done.

Or maybe quote the bad counselor and tell him " it’s God’s will when I get over it". So you will have to ask God.

I agree with the others; IC for you, definitely, and soon. Find your voice and power.

Legless,

You wrote, He is a smooth talker and manipulator, and I can't compete with that. If this fails we don"t have a chance at rescuing things.

This is really tough, my W is like that and people like her immediately and other people take her side quickly.

I wonder if the constant approval my W gets doesn't make her all the more violently resistant to disapproval or admitting to fault.

Did your WH ever write out a timeline for the affair or take a polygraph, did you ever expose the OW to her H or SO? Force the issue and let your WH pound sand in righteous anger.

So sorry you are going through this, I am in a similar situation in that we are in therapy however I am behind closed doors just being told to get over it. It is horrible, I am not sure about you, however I find myself questioning myself as to if i am over reacting? As for therapists, one we tried told me to have an affair of my own or take up gardening. I am learning very slowly to not react to WH toxic behaviour and yet inside its breaking my heart. He used to be such a kind gentle person. Can you form a plan B if you need to leave? I cannot afford to get divorced or move house so I am stuck for the moment and hoping therapy will help. We cannot change them, only how we choose to react to them. It is exhausting and no way to live.

A good question to ask yourself before couples therapy would be "what do I want from this?".

Do you have hope for a happy marriage? Do you want to stay married? It sounds like you don’t like your husband very much. Do you want to be married to him anymore?

Have you tried individual therapy to work through the trauma you have experienced due to his infidelity? That’s what I would do (and did). Heal yourself and then decide what you need for your future.

I wish that we had gone to a therapist that was trained in infidelity. I don’t think it would have saved the M, but it would have been a whole lot less victim blaming and further trauma.

I am not saying there is nothing a BS needs to work on. We can all be better versions of ourselves. But I did not cause WH to lie, cheat and be abusive. And it was never my job to fix his whys.

I wish that we had gone to a therapist that was trained in infidelity. I don’t think it would have saved the M, but it would have been a whole lot less victim blaming and further trauma.

I am not saying there is nothing a BS needs to work on. We can all be better versions of ourselves. But I did not cause WH to lie, cheat and be abusive. And it was never my job to fix his whys.

I’m just beginning reconciliation with my wayward wife. She shows 100% remorse and ownership andI still struggle incredibly….. and she knows if she ever said anything like "when are you going to get over it?" My answer would be a very swift "Right now, here’s the divorce papers.". PS your a stay at home mom so, at least in my state, divorce courts are very much in your favor.

Now that being said, if you’re truly interested in trying again (which I honestly think it’s pointless but this is your life). There are tons of online therapist. I actually use Stokes Counseling out of Connecticut, but they could be based anywhere because the sessions are all virtual. Look into a virtual therapist who specializes in trauma and infidelity. It really is a speciality. I forget the "trauma meter" that was created but death of a family member was highest with infidelity a close second…. So the old "Rub some dirt in it and walk it off" just isn’t going to cut it.