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Divorce/Separation :
Things you know now that you wish you knew then.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 1:17 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I wish I knew the extent of lies he would be willing to tell. The lengths he would be willing to go to.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8798833
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 2:04 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I wish I had known even remotely that the person I was in love with, whose child I had, and who I entrusted with our entire financial world to, could turn on a dime once he wanted to be with her, and see me as an enemy to be utterly destroyed. He made me feel like the center of his world before he started the affair with her. And then nothing else mattered but this setting up the best possible life for her, at me and his daughter's expense.

Honestly, even when I got to a point where I understood he loved her and was leaving me, I never anticipated the utter distain for me as an obstacle to his new bliss. I thought there would be some softness, some kindness, some sense of I've done her wrong and I should make it gentle. My mistake was thinking he had any residual regard for me. It was the total opposite. If I had know that was possible, I would have handled the divorce settlement entirely differently.

posts: 1730   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8798836
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 2:45 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I wish I would have taken the red flags more seriously than brushed them off. That each red flag led to what I know him to REALLY be today. I wish I would have listened to my inner voice more than deny it.

One thing I do know now before this divorce is final. That my xWS is willing to lie and throw me under the bus at every turn. That he has always been out for himself and to hell with everyone else including our kids.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8798839
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wantnomore ( member #71871) posted at 3:39 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I wish I knew that she was never to be trusted again after the first affair in 2001.
Would have saved me a lot of grief had I divorced her then rather than waiting and going through the shit show that the past few years have been.

Me: BH (57)Her: STBXWW (52)DDays - 9/10/01, 10/15/19, 7/3/21, 2/11/22.I'm dumb, but I do learn eventually. D started 11/11/22

posts: 140   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2019   ·   location: Great Lakes region
id 8798842
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:01 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

His favorite song was Carly Simon's "You're So Vain." With the rhinestone # 1 on his glasses, I should have known it was all about him.

When I found ask the porn, I should have left.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8798844
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DebraVation ( member #51156) posted at 7:23 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

That he'd do it again. I wouldn't have wasted 8 years on it then. Also that it would be easier (in practical terms) to leave then than now.

Also not to bother with MC.

That I'd found this site on day 1.

That I can manage without him (again, talking practical /financial matters here, any romantic notions have long gone!)

posts: 1610   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8798853
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Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 8:29 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I threw him out of the house. I wish that I had followed my actions through. That I hadn't give him a chance to stop his affair and come home to me. It was heartbreaking. It would have saved me from a lot of pain.

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 129   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8798854
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 10:51 AM on Monday, July 10th, 2023

I wish I knew the extent of his lack of communication skills, his emotional IQ and avoidant personality.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 772   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8798856
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:08 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

I am so sorry that others have had such similar experiences to mine. I wish we had the ((virtual hugs)) emoji

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8798963
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 2:09 AM on Tuesday, July 11th, 2023

And I agree that MC was toxic for me because we were not in a marriage. We were in a lie of his own creation.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8798964
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Kanashii ( member #80132) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

I wish I would have known a lot of things and watched his actions versus listening to his words. STBXWH had shown many times through his actions that he didn't care about being a true partner and that he expected everyone else around him to take care of "corporeal matters" as those were too mundane/boring to him. Anything he did wrong was blamed on family of origin issues. He always talked a good talk but never followed through with what he said he would do at home because he was always so busy excessively doing things for others. He could always turn the argument around to say I was the bad guy pointing out what needed to be done at home and what he was neglecting because he HAD to do all of these things for others because they NEEDED him, and by golly I'm such a terrible person for MAKING HIM FEEL GUILTY for pointing out what he's not doing at the house. Still not sure how asking "Why are you doing so&so's dishes as soon as we walk in their house yet you ignore ours/refuse to do them even when I ask?" makes anyone feel guilty, but I'm apparently a mean person for pointing it (and other things) out!

I also wish I would have known how much stress and work the man was putting me through before he left for COW, as I would have separated and began divorce that much sooner. The amount of peace in the house with him gone is pretty astonishing.

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8799113
Topic is Sleeping.
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