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If I'm reading correctly you are D and custody is decided. The only contact is about the kids only. Don't pry open a door that has been nailed shut. She is not changed and probably won't be. Drop the baggage and look forward to your future.

Thanks Tanner. The detachment, 180, whatever you want to call it in just 24 hours has already been highly effective in making me feel better. I needed to take care of me so badly.

The main purpose of the 180 is to get out of infidelity while you're still together and she is in an A. However, there are aspects of the 180 that are now part of my life forever. I take care of me first, I take care of my health and fitness, and I don't buy bullshit.

Getting back together with a WS that you divorced due to infidelity is like drinking near beer.

Others have said it: Detach.

Your WW is a cake-eater. She wants to keep you on the hook while she plays the field looking for other options. You can do better than hanging on to the illusion of who you thought she was in hopes of being her third, fourth... whatever choice she's on when or if she ever gets back around to you.

Yes. Detachment.

I looked through our communication history because I wanted a better timeline for clarity. Looking back on DDay1 which was two years ago and DDay2 which I'm calling this recent one, the time of year are the same (spring/summer) and how I reacted are the same, but faster this time.

DDay1 - Shock and anger then start pick me dance that same night which lasts 40 days. I 180 and 14 days later I block her and go email only. Minimal and NC for 254 days until temporary orders where we start talking again and I slip slowly into a dance with someone who isn't committed to me.

DDay2 - Shock and anger for 2 days. Start pick me dance that lasts 5 days. I 180 and 2 days later (today) I block her and go email only.

Happy to know where I went wrong and can stop this from ever happening again. There will never be a DDay3. I like email only cause she can’t shoot out quick texts or call me at all. I’ll only respond to children logistics, nothing else, if she finally shows understanding and takes responsibility I’ll think about it. If she waits too long another woman will come into my life.

[This message edited by lineagegold at 10:23 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

Happy to know where I went wrong and can stop this from ever happening again. There will never be a DDay3. I like email only cause she can’t shoot out quick texts or call me at all. I’ll only respond to children logistics, nothing else, if she finally shows understanding and takes responsibility I’ll think about it. If she waits too long another woman will come into my life.

Good for you. To err is human and you made a mistake the first time around but his time you have committed to learning from your mistakes and doing things differently. This is what enforcing a boundary looks like. It is of course not easy for you to do so, but in time, as you detach, you will gain eventual indifference towards your wife. I suppose at some level it is sad that your XWW couldn't be bothered to do the work needed to become a safe partner for you, but as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Who knows, at some point in this journey, a great partner will come into your life and you will find someone who can add to and enhance your happiness. Sure, a new relationship comes with challenges and hopefully this experience has taught you in any relationship, even a marriage, that trust is still at some level earned and cannot just be the default. Not suggesting that you project your past pain from infidelity onto a new partner, but you will at least be going into any new relationship with your eyes wide open to what can happen.

Thank you Bor.

You're human. You WILL make mistakes. You'll make the same mistake multiple times.

The best you can do after making a mistake is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, forgive yourself, and go back to the path you want to be on.

if she finally shows understanding and takes responsibility I’ll think about it. If she waits too long another woman will come into my life.

NO NO NO

This is still wrong lineagegold! Shut that door and thinking down. YOu just said there will be no DDay 3, and then you go and write this. YOu have got to get off that hopium. Shut that down. You just experienced Dday 2, say you're going 180 and then go on to write "if she shows understanding you might take her back. NO NO NO. Let it go dude. Stop letting her hurt you. Stop giving her the chances to hurt you again.

You are already divorced, now move on with your life. YOu deserve better. Doesnt matter if she gets it or not. YOu need to move along for you. You need to be better for you and your kids. Let her go. She doesnt deserve you. Keep repeating that. Don't wait or hope she wakes up, that is no longer a good option for you.

Thanks sisoon, I'm doing just that. Everyday now I'm healing little by little.

HalfTime I appreciate the care and concern. I feel good with where I am at and how I feel. I'm never returning to the abuse no matter who that is. Her or anyone else. I won't accept anything else.

Update

Been about 2 weeks since 180/detachment and being around wayward. I had to pick up the children since I have them in July. When I got there I didn't look at her or say a word to her. She said 'hi' in a sweet voice a couple times and tried to force her face into my line of sight which I diverted my eyes. She said something like 'are you really going to ignore me?' Anyway it was great.

Contact by email only about required children matters and not giving her a single word or look when I have to be around her is working great for me. I will not lower myself even an ounce and pretend that things are ok between us after being abused for years. F that. She gets nothing from me. Damn Jezebel spirit is in control of her and I remind myself that that isn't her anymore, not the woman I loved at the beginning. The righteous soul is deep down beneath that in 'sunken place' if you will. One way to think about it.

Update

No longer blocking, allowing communication by phone, text, and in person again. This is to not hold the anger inside me and be depressed in it. I am control of my communication and will keep myself protected. Not worrying about future or anything. Have learned so much. Lessons upon lessons. Taking care of myself.

UPDATE

Detaching mentally. Reprogramming myself for anytime I would think about her, I will stop myself and think about The Most Highs instead. Accepting she is my ex. No more thoughts about her, a future together, what she is doing, or anything about her. New start for me!

Wanted to post so that you know you've been heard.

Awesome update. Exactly what I needed to read also. I’ve been high on hopium for months. There is no way I can reconcile just have to move on.

Thank you SacredSoul33. And glad it helped you Jajaynumb.

Let's just say I've been having to divert my thoughts to The Most Highs about every waking minute. I was so focused on her for so many years that those neural pathways were well paved. I did my best and have learned a lot from a situation that never should have happened in the first place and will never happen again. Now doing stuff that I enjoy and taking care of me deeply now and moving on with my new life. I picked up the children today and just driving and going to the dollar store I was laughing so genuinely. It's crazy the depressive state I was in, like all my life and energy was vacuumed out of me with barely enough left to function. Ultimately I allowed myself to be in that state but I have no regrets because it was a tough situation and I had the best intention to uphold the sacredness of marriage. Have gained a lot of knowledge.

[This message edited by lineagegold at 2:51 AM, Friday, August 4th]

Congratulations, you are on the path out of infidelity for good and onto a bigger and brighter future.

You deserve to be happy.

Stay NC as much as possible, NC = no new hurts.

One day at a time.

I'm glad your spirits are lifted, focus on you and your children. There's a great new, happy life out there, just give yourself time to process everything you've been through.

Thank you annb. One day at a time for sure. I will give myself time to process. Life is good.

Be strong for both yourself as well as the children as they are the innocent ones here.
Sounds like the Ex is keeping you close as a back up or fall back plan. Dangling the Carrot of caring so to keep you interested. She is just manipulating you for her benefit.

Keep up the NC any engagement should be by email. Fuck what she has got to say unless it is about the children.
Like all addictions just take it one day at a time.