SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a monster.

Here’s my background:

I married my wife when I was 19 and she was 17. We dated for 2 years prior. I don’t think I was a very good boyfriend. Didn’t really know how to be, I think. I was, and continue to be always in my head. That prevented me from really being who I was with her. I didn’t always make her feel like I was "into" her. Those are her words. Many marriage counseling sessions and individual talks revealed this. She didn’t feel appreciated and "longed for". I can see this, but I don’t know how to change myself. I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and doing dumb young people shit. Was always faithful, though.

When we got married, I joined the military. My wife gave birth to our daughter the month before I joined. I’ve served for 22 years now. My biggest motivation for joining was to provide a stable home for her and our daughter. After 9/11, I was deployed overseas for several months. She had an affair with a co-worker of mine for the duration of the time I was gone. It didn’t take them long to hook up after I left, a couple of weeks I think. She told me once I returned, but I sensed something was off while I was gone. Those feeling intensified, until when I got home until she disclosed the affair. I’m glad she told me, but I think it was because she wanted to leave. I begged her to stay. I did the pick me dance really hard. She stayed, but I think that was a mistake now.

In the immediate aftermath of the affair I didn’t know how to process it. She continued to see him for a couple months after, until she decided to try and reconcile with me. I wouldn’t say that she did her part very well. From that time, it was kind of left at, again her words: "I’m sorry you got hurt, but I’m not sorry it happened." She later recanted that statement, years later. She trickle truthed me a lot. Left a lot of information out and denied things that later came out almost 10 years later, when I had a mental breakdown, of sorts. I’ll explain that in a little bit.

I’ve always had problems processing emotions. Still very much do. I tend to bottle things up and not talk. I know I feel things, but I don’t know what or how to handle them. I spend literally years processing things before I can even start to address the underlying issue that caused the emotion. This has been a horrific experience for my wife. I can understand that. I’m sorry it’s like that, but I don’t know how to change it. I believe I’ve made efforts to try, I really do.

Two years after the physical affair she had, I caught her sexting with men online from a video game. Instant shutdown. Didn’t even talk about it with her until the breakdown.

The next couple of years, I couldn’t process ANYTHING. It was strange, kind of like seeing myself from the outside. I knew I was a loser, and a pathetic piece of shit, but it didn’t bother me. I didn’t care anymore. That grew into a shadow on my soul. A darkness. I felt it first in 2006. I should have gotten help. I didn’t. My wife, children, family and friends all suffered from this. Because I am weak. Because I gave up. The darkness grew. I let it. I coped by drinking. Still do to this day. Binge drinking. I know my health is failing because of it. I won’t see a doctor though. I’m afraid I will die from this soon, and at the same time, don’t care.

I hurt her a lot with it. I know that. I won’t forgive myself for it. I am a monster. It’s reflected in the way I look. I’m hideous. I’m not sure why she didn’t go years ago.

The darkness caused so much damage. It led to a a mental breakdown in the early 2010’s. I was at training and saw two classmates have an affair right in front of the class. The female was married and the male was not. Something snapped inside of me. I can’t explain why that one specific case was the trigger. It’s not like I hadn’t seen people have affairs before that point.

I asked for details about the affair then. Details I had never asked for before. This is the long processing cycle coming back to get me. She again trickle truthed me and lied. I caught her in some of these lies and she only said it was because she was afraid of the damage it would cause. Should of listened to her, I suppose. I also learned that she cheated on me when we were dating. She swears up and down that she wanted me and only did those things because I didn’t react to her the way she wanted. That’s fair, I think.

Instead of helping me, that breakdown only caused the darkness to grow. It was now consuming almost all of me. I became even less engaged. I don’t know why she stayed. It was damaging to her, the kids and everyone I knew. I know that I’m not a good person. I’m not physically attractive and I don’t have a good personality. I’m not a good conversationalist. People say I’m hard to talk to. I can see it. I’m a bad lover.

I said some horrible things to her during this period as details of the affair came out. Things I’m ashamed of even to this day. We decided to stay together. I still drink. Years go by, and I’m still covered in darkness. It grows and thrives, and I continue to die. I think there was a period where I could have fought the darkness, but I didn’t. I invited it in. Now, all suffer for it. If I had just held on all those years ago.

I know I loved my wife. I still do in the capacity I have left. I just know I’ve damaged everyone around me and I won’t forgive myself for that. All the years that I’ve cheated them out of, because of what I am. I should have just left and lived alone, it’s what I deserve.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just don’t know how to fix myself. I’ve tried therapy, but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t help, because I won’t let it. I know I’m a trash person and because of that I am toxic to others. What a terrible existence. I’m not suicidal. I won’t cause that much damage to everyone.

When will karma catch up to me? I just hope it does.

I’ve been listening to Pearl Jam's "Hold On" recently, and I think it's relevant.

I don't see a monster.

You're a victim of an unremorseful serial cheater, who,to this day,years later, continues to lie to you, and blame you for her actions.

You are a victim of abuse. Infidelity is abuse.

You didn't know how to cope,and you couldn't open up to her,because she's proven you can't trust her with your feelings.

You ask why she stayed. Friend..why did you stay?

Get it straight. You are not the reason she cheats. That's on her. 100% of it. It's NOT your fault.

You sound very much like myself with the description of your personality. My wife's affair of about 3 months has started eating at me after about 25 years. She just came back and we just sort of just caried on after a bit like it didn't happen and ended up with another child no counseling no talking about it nothing. He was a player and dropped her when he had found another. I told her he was a player when I found out, and he only was using her. The only thing that came close to an apology was to tell me that I was right when she came back.
I would love to right my story here, but English spelling and grammar are not my strong points.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 8:07 AM, Saturday, April 27th]

[This message edited by fhtshop at 7:57 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

I would love to right my story here, but English spelling and grammar are not my strong points.

Start you're own thread,and write it anyway. You did just fine in your first post. It may not be your strong point, but figuring things out is ours. Welcome.

I am getting that you suffer from severe depression and you take everything out on yourself. Please seek a very good psychiatrist. You do not have to live this way. You are not the darkness but you feel consumed by it. (You are not but you need help to see it.) I realize you will not believe me, but that is just the "darkness" (the depression) talking.

I am so sorry you have lived with this for so long. There is light but you have to work sometimes to find it.

HellFire

It would take me a long time. I started reading on this site recently to see if it would help me understand why it's hitting me so hard after so long not that I wasn't devastated at the time. I know what has triggered it so badly is that it's our 40th wedding anniversary this year and she is planning all sorts of stuff and really looking forward to it but to me it's just another day as I feel the time leading up to the affair should not count, she broke the vows not me. What this site has helped me with is understanding things like for 1 not being able to remember some of the horrible things she done to me while it was gone (she had the police serve papers on me at work but for the life of me I can't even remember what they were about the only thing that I can remember is when we got to court the Juge through it out) I have read that it could be post-traumatic-stress witch is blocking my memory on a lot of things that happened and were said.
A brief run down on what happened. She is very musical, and she was doing Christmas show at a venue in town, so she was out most nights leading up to Christmas. I opened e-mail and there was an email from a dude she was working with talking about G-strings and other inappropriate things a married mother should not talk about to a single man it got my blood boiling so when she got home, we had a big fight she moved out to her sister and stated a relationship with him I'm not sure whether she had already start one or not at that point. Blamed me for it because of all the thing I had done wrong in our marriage and left me feeling and believing it was all my fault I wasn't perfect but believe me I wasn't that bad. I wish there had been a site like this when it all went down because if there had have been things would have been different. my biggest problem is she is not the type of person to bring it up with now she flies off the handle very quickly and for the most part our relationship is good at the moment it's just that it is eating at me, and I can't understand why.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 8:07 AM, Saturday, April 27th]

[This message edited by fhtshop at 7:58 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

Suggestion you get some reading:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" - Audio-book available if you don't like print

"Cheating in a Nutshell" - Easy read - compendium of people's reaction/dealing with being betrayed.

and if you need some serious reading - which will help you deal with yourself:

"The Body Keeps the Score"

Suggest you look into some Individual Counseling - you might someone who can help you learn to live with your thoughts and situation in life.

And another suggestion - post your thoughts and more (?!) details of your life and folks will start to respond to you from what they learned from their path through the pain of being betrayed.

When you find time and think to consider your future - I suggest you visit a lawyer who specializes in divorce.
Get the "lay of the land" so you can better weigh any options you might later entertain.

As Hellfire said - I agree - you are married to a cheater at heart. Why should you stay? You need to answer to yourself and think where you will be in 30 days, 90 days, a year. You need to figure out (and this takes TIME) what you want for yourself. You are the one to control your future happiness.

Others will come along - weekends tend to be less busy - and will comment on what you have related so far.

I harbor pessimism for your happiness based on what I think is your current path.

FWIW - I as in USN for some time and did not marry as I saw a lot of cheating before (!) I joined. (family members in service) - guess what- got out, became a successful civilian - and got cheated on. Don't blame yourself for your Military career - that DID NOT cause your spouse to cheat!

later -

The Darkness:

Look into Childhood Emotional Neglect.

It may explain why you are the way you are, and that doesn't make you a monster.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're here. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top that you may find helpful. Although you technically didn't JFO, the info may help. Also, the Healing Library has lots of great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

It sounds like you have had some dissociation, which can be a trauma response. Some people have PTSD or C-PTSD. Do you have access to an IC that specializes in betrayal trauma and/or PTSD?

HellFire:

You're a victim of an unremorseful serial cheater, who,to this day,years later, continues to lie to you, and blame you for her actions.

Last year, in 2021 we went to counseling again and she did say that she was sorry for the affair and the effects it had on me. I think the hardest part for me is that the conversation, to me, was always followed by a another conversation about my (very valid) behavior in the relationship that made her feel unsafe/unloved. This is one of the reasons she says she cheated. I understand from reading here that BS's need to understand how they were acting in the relationship prior to the A.

fhtshop:

You should post your story. I feel like we would have a lot to talk about. 25 years is a long time. Sounds like we both deal with emotions in a similar way.

Hippo16:

Thank you for your kind words. I will look into some of the resources you listed. I might post more of my background. During the mental breakdown I had in the 2010's my wife and I both were active here. I don't remember what our usernames are. This board helped her to see a little bit of what her actions caused.

There is a very specific therapy for people/military like you. It is EMDR and it was designed for soldiers suffering from PTSD. Which you have. They have found that any trauma can cause it. Many bs use it. It is not talk therapy. It goes to whatever is controlling your ability to find pleasure. Please, please look into a therapist trained in this. It is fairly short term.

Thank you for your service. And sending hugs to someone whose entire adulthood was stolen by an abuser.

Go get help. No more drinking. If you get sober and find some help you might find the joy you have been robbed of.

You can't change the past. You know this. But the future can be very bright, if you want it.

It starts with the drinking. If you find one person who says that you can find that future happiness, while continuing to drink, I would be HIGHLY skeptical. It is an addiction, AN ACTIVE DISEASE, and it is growing and festering without being treated.

My question is: How much do you really want to change? Are you ready to face this issue first and foremost?

This is coming from a non-drinker. This is coming from someone who has seen and lived the direct consequences of other peoples addictions. And I've seen the other, far better side of these people who have faced....and continue to face....their addictions. Two of the greatest people I have ever known have told me how impossible it felt, while living in it, to ever feeling hope again. They are forever grateful that they got to the point of seeing how good life can be, that it became natural for them to try to help others who were in that same mindset. That is where you are today, and have been for quite some time.

Face the drinking. It is not the side-effect of deeper issues anymore. It is THE major issue that needs to be addressed.

jb3199:

Face the drinking. It is not the side-effect of deeper issues anymore. It is THE major issue that needs to be addressed.

You are of course right. That's a large part of why I posted what I did. My wife ceased to be the problem long ago. I am the problem now.

Let Hellfire’s post sink in.

Don’t underestimate the effects of the one-two punch of dealing with affair trauma and any preexisting PTSD. It’s cumulative.

I was an inner-city paramedic for 20 years in a very storied area, seen some pretty horrific shit that I could write an unbelievable book about and, my WW’s affair was beyond the worst thing I ever experienced. Beyond.

The only monster I can identify in your story is the very monstrous treatment of you by your very troubled WW.

And the only darkness that exists is that which you allow to continue. If you’ve been in combat, you know the precious fleeting nature of life-better than anyone, and you’re wasting it and, you’ll regret it. I’ve seen the regret, up close, in the eyes of countless dying patients and even colleagues.

My wife ceased to be the problem long ago. I am the problem now.

Let's be clear--your wife is plenty of the problem. She's never owned her horrible choices.

But you don't control her. We are talking about you. And significant positive change will not happen while your addiction controls you. It's not impossible to get out from under. But it does take continued effort and commitment.

and if you need some serious reading - which will help you deal with yourself:

"The Body Keeps the Score"

I'm so sorry you found yourself in this position my friend. There are many experienced voices here that will help you get through this mess. I don't chime in much on here, but I wanted to second this suggestion and make one of my own, a book called "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb. It focuses on childhood neglect and how it manifests in our adult lives. The follow up by Dr Webb takes what you've learned and helps you as a parent protect your kids from the same.

Take care of yourself my friend and nothing you've written says "monster" to me. More like a person that has been neglected and abused for a very long time. It's time for you to stop this cycle. You deserve better!

I too see your wife as the monster she created this situation. Sure most marriages have issues but an Affair is like nuking it. She does not sound remorseful and wants to place some of the blame at your feet. None of her A was your fault. That all solely lies with her. She needs to own that and the trauma it has since caused you. You may not have "been there for her" but that doesn't warrant the abuse of an A. Many victims will turn inward on themselves as you are I believe it is an effect of trauma. I would definitely work with an IC and you should tell your wife to find her remorse for her abuse (the affair ) towards you.

Gently, you have chosen to be in the dark; you can choose to be in the light. You can choose to cycle through darkness, lightness, twilight, dawn. You'll probably have to stop drinking to do that, but you can choose to stop drinking, too.

You are not a monster. ou can heal. I know it's unfair, but you have to take action to heal. I hope posting here is the first step. If so, keep going.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.