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My husband said he’s finished his disclosure. He just needs to get with therapist and write it in chronological order. I’m afraid his therapist is going to tell him to leave out certain details that he thinks I shouldn’t hear. And to be honest, I hate thinking about my H reading it to me in front of our therapist bc it’s going to be hurtful and private.
So my question is….should I read it now? He said I could or I could wait and he’d read it to me in front of the therapist. He knows he’s having to take a polygraph on it. So I thought I’d read now and then he can still do his part with therapist in case he thinks of something else bc the polygraph won’t be until that day.
I need advice and thoughts, please!!! And soon…was going to read tonight.

If you’re somebody who needs time to process and think through questions and responses, then read it now so you have time to process as much as you can before the meeting. Also it may be more productive that way.

I would personally not want bombs dropped on me in front of a therapist or anybody else. Too many witnesses to what may result.

But seriously, I would read it now, but that’s me.

I'd read it now.

He can always add the dates after you've finished.

I also wouldn't want to find out in front of a therapist.

Landclark- that’s how I feel, but I’m sick to my stomach thinking about reading it. He says I pretty much know it all, but I’m still scared

I totally get it.

The hardest part for me was how my WH wrote it. It was all matter of fact, with the appropriate amount of hindsight (which seemed forced), and he not once spoke ill of the other women. It really didn’t make me feel any better to be honest. Hard to say if I could have felt worse though.

Still, on the off chance there’s something you don’t know, might be worth it. Maybe you’ll feel better after because it’s just what he has told you, and you always have the poly for added confirmation.

Read it now do not allow the "therapist" to water it down.

Do not let the therapist have that power.

Screw therapists money making manipulators POS.

They verge on being affair partners or silent enablers.

I can't envision being in your shoes, so I'm not going to try, but here's one option that hasn't been mentioned. If you're inclined to wait and follow his lead, then maybe take and save a copy of it as it is now. You'll have that to refer back to when the time suits, to confirm whether things have been watered down or massaged.

Well, he told me today he was finished. Tonight when I asked about reading it, he said he wasn’t finished. Said he remembered something else and he also wants to write it bullet form. It’s just a rough draft now. (I think he’s just scared/nervous for me to read it)
I told him I didn’t mind, but he was adamant about not letting me read it yet. Then one thing led to another and he ended up saying that he should have the therapist look at it first.
I was like….hell no! I told him that the therapist will just have him omit certain things and that’s not what I want. I told him that all a disclosure is, is the truth. U can call it what u want, but it’s just the freaking truth. I told him that it’s not the therapist choice of what to tell me or not. I told him that I’m reading it before and that I also don’t want to read it in front of the therapist for the first time.
I told him I’ve waited 14 months for the freaking truth and I’m getting it all and if details (nothing too explicit) is what I want then freaking details is what I deserve and getting!
He asked why I was being so impatient. Said I was badgering the hell out of him ….I am some. I explained to him how it was for me…..
It’s like when u have to pee pretty bad and u go to the bathroom and see the toilet….all of a sudden u are about to piss ur pants. U have to go so bad u can hardly get them unfastened and sit down before the dam breaks. I told him that’s how it is for me right now. I know he’s writing and almost finished and I can see "the end" and it makes me want it badly. I just want the truth and for this to be over with. I want to decide what I’m going to do (didn’t tell him that).
So I’m going to try and be patient and let him "remember", but I’m NOT letting the therapist see it first. And I’m not telling my H, but after he’s finished and does a final draft, I’m getting the rough draft, too. Lol. Going to make sure he wrote everything down. And do u know that the therapist has the audacity to say that I don’t get the disclosure after he reads it!? That the therapist keeps it and if I want to know anything then ask him. Maybe I’m a bitch, but I’m paying u and u AREN’T going to keep stuff from me! Just another reason to read it before bc I’ll be taking pics of each page.

Thanks for letting me vent and for all the advice 💙

And do u know that the therapist has the audacity to say that I don’t get the disclosure after he reads it!? That the therapist keeps it and if I want to know anything then ask him

Fire the therapist. This is horrible.

Also..IMO..the only reason a WS wants full disclosure in front of a therapist..is because they believe, with a third person there,it will soften the response of the BS. It's a way of controlling, and manipulating, the BS.

By your husband's response last night,it's clear he isn't remorseful. Even if you have the complete truth,that's not enough to reconcile. You need a remorseful WS.

I told him I’ve waited 14 months for the freaking truth and I’m getting it all and if details (nothing too explicit) is what I want then freaking details is what I deserve and getting!
He asked why I was being so impatient. Said I was badgering the hell out of him ….I am some.

Ihatelying, is 14 months being impatient?

I'm not in the slightest bit surprised by this latest development. Your husband never intended on telling you the complete truth and doesn't now. He's come to expect that you will give him an infinite number of second chances.

His next excuse will be that the dog ate his timeline. Or maybe he was abducted by aliens and suffered a horrible bout of amnesia as a result of the brain probe.

He asked why I was being so impatient. Said I was badgering the hell out of him

This doesn't sit well with me. The fact that you are getting this 14 months later ... uh yeah I would be impatient too. How do you even know this is the truth? He doesn't sound like he is being empathetic one bit. A remorseful spouse discloses the truth and works hard on themselves in IC. Usually they are driving the recovery process and doing the work on their own without being prompted by the BS.

I’m getting the rough draft, too. Lol. Going to make sure he wrote everything down. And do u know that the therapist has the audacity to say that I don’t get the disclosure after he reads it!? That the therapist keeps it and if I want to know anything then ask him.

WTAF? Did you hear this directly from the therapist, or from your H? That's really weird. I'm with you - get a copy AND get the rough draft. This is YOUR reconciliation, not the therapist's, and you're demanding a friggin' copy because it's what YOU need to move forward. If this is truly your therapist's tactic, I think it's really odd and unprofessional.

Also, I'm with you on reading it BEFORE the next appointment, without any editing from the therapist. Your therapist needs to remember that they're not a damn lawyer; they don't need to protect H from you.

My DDay was in our MC's office at the beginning of our appointment. It's a complete blur except for hundreds of f-bombs and MC asking me if we had guns in the house, but I honestly think it was better to receive that news with a witness whom I trusted and with time to calm down a bit before we were alone again. I can't imagine what I might have done had I been told at home with no support. My H COULD imagine it, which is why he told me in the MC's office.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:56 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Also, I'm with you on reading it BEFORE the next appointment, without any editing from the therapist. Your therapist needs to remember that they're not a damn lawyer; they don't need to protect H from you.

I would be absolutely shocked if this was the actual guidance from the therapist. I think it's far more likely to simply be more bullshit from OP's husband.

I would be absolutely shocked if this was the actual guidance from the therapist. I think it's far more likely to simply be more bullshit from OP's husband.

100% agree. I'm always super skeptical about second-hand information relayed from a WS about their C's recommendations.

I’m sorry, but I laughed out loud at a couple of u all’s remarks. It was much needed.
And I’m in the process of getting a new marriage counselor. We both didn’t care for this one that much. He gave us papers stating everything and anything about the disclosure and the part about him keeping it was in the paperwork. So yes….he was for real.
He’s working on the disclosure right now (at this very min). I might have been misunderstanding when I said I’ve waited 14 months. He just started to do the disclosure about a week ago. I was saying Ive waited 14 months for the truth.
I had talked to a MC in the beginning and he said it would be best for us to get individual counseling and then marriage in about 6 months-ish. Well, he was wrong. I think MC should have been first. I’ve gone through hell being trickle fed and gaslighted, etc. It’s like they think if they tell bits and pieces here and there that it’s better and not as shocking/damaging, but they couldn’t be more wrong.
And don’t worry, I have another counselor lined up, but I’m not making the appointment until I read the disclosure. THEN I’ll make the appointment and they can talk all they want and then if my H remembers more then it can be on the "official" disclosure right before the polygraph.
I think he’s scared for me to read it..which is normal, of course. And dont think I won’t be checking the trash cans for waded up paper that he "decided not to tell".

I had talked to a MC in the beginning and he said it would be best for us to get individual counseling and then marriage in about 6 months-ish. Well, he was wrong. I think MC should have been first.

We've only done MC and it was SO valuable for us, but are now realizing that we really needed IC along with it. 19 years later. lol I support going with the MC from the start as long as IC is also happening.

Well, he let me read it. I’m numb and can’t even cry. There’s more stuff and stuff I had not clue about.
I can’t even process it right now. I….I just can’t do this. Sigh. I mean, I’m glad I know it….that hasn’t changed. It’s just what I now know….just don’t see how this will pan out. I…I…just don’t even know who he is and I don’t think I want to know him anymore. 😢

(((Hugs!)))

I'm so sorry.

What did you find out?