SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There is absolutely no way this is going to just "fizzle" out. It’s only going to get worse – a lot worse. As many say here, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Tell her she’s free to fuck other men, just not as your husband. If she does, your filing for D, period. Just as an aside, the guys that stand up for themselves right away tend to have much better outcomes than the ones that don’t. I also think Tanner had a great suggestion. It would be interesting to see just how open she wants to be.

Daveo

There is absolutely no way this is going to just "fizzle" out. It’s only going to get worse – a lot worse. As many say here, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Your marriage is toast - unless you change your definition to match that which now exists in your spouse's mind.

Get tested for everything by your physician and then visit a divorce specialist lawyer to see how your future can unfold.

I think you are all correct in I am tending to think it did not happen, trying to find ways to play it down.

Just playing it down is the worst thing you can do. If you don't approve and simply try to play it down she will most likely just proceed and take it underground. After all, she's told you about her "needs". You have to address this directly.

Tell her directly that you love her, that you are not willing to share her with anyone else, and that you're not interested in anyone else. Ask her to start MC with you as soon as possible.

At the same time, this is more than enough of a red flag to justify surveillance. Check her text and emails. Track her location. Observe changes in her behavior.

[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 7:58 AM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Thanks all .Have spoken to her about it all, got tired of the mixed and fudged responses when I asked questions like 'has this already started? Are you with someone now or have been?' and so said I was not prepared to put up with it.

She has gone to her mother's place! Back later to collect more belongings.

A big thanks again, was good to read from others what I was trying to deny, it helped make a decision and stick by it.

Sure, it is upsetting we now are separated but deep down I know it has to be this way.

Thoughts with those also going through tough times. I think some good advice here and now from me is yes, do not delay - make a decision and go with it. I do at least know it is over, better than hurting myself for weeks more only to find out the same.

You two are separating? What's the plan here? Can you give us more clear picture to understand your situation and your decision better.

Posted this a bit late - had this written out before your last post - but going to let it be as it is:

I hate it when we make assumptions but what I can confirm is that EXPERIENCE here on this site indicates that when a spouse asks to open a marriage then in MOST (and don’t forget – most is not all) cases more has happened already than is known.

Like it it’s highly unlikely that she’s out partying and thinking that it might be nice if she was free to hit on some random men she sees at the bar. It’s more likely that she’s already interested in Ted – the guy that goes out partying with the group. It’s also likely that she and Ted have talked about things and in ways that are beyond "normal" friendship. It’s highly possible they have flirted. It’s highly possible they have kissed. It’s highly likely that this has gone beyond that – be it touching, oral, full sex… whatever.

BUT keep in mind we are talking odds and probabilities and NOT definite.

Like if you are at a new location and noticed all the locals were carrying umbrellas you would expect rain – even if it wasn’t raining right now.

Well… we are carrying umbrellas… we are seeing rain in your marriage.

I want to address a couple of issues – but first a couple of questions:

What’s you and your wife’s age?

Do you have kids?

How long married?

The reason I ask is the first comment you make about your wife partying.

This might have me come over sounding like a prude, but believe me – I did my share of partying. Only I did it at the right time and at the right age… It’s only normal that as you grow older, more mature, more responsibilities… that the going out on Friday evening and hitting the clubs to dawn starts getting old. I tend to see red lights and hear warning bells when one (or even both spouses) focus a lot on "partying" if they are past mid-twenties. Especially if it’s one-sided…

Look – I’m in my late 50’s and I still go out with my friends. My wife still goes out with her besties (in fact she’s out this evening with her friends). But it’s the exception. We socialize together mainly, and that’s how it should be in a marriage. Neither has the right, the time or the ability to socialize individually in a manner or pattern that negatively impacts the family.

That’s why I ask about kids: Having a parent work Mon-Fri, come home late on Fri from being out with friends and then sleeping in on Saturday limits time for family and kids… Is her partying and drinking impacting the time for family and fair division of chores?

Very often on this site I have seen instances of infidelity where the root of the issue is substance abuse. Is it possible your wife is spending all this time away because she can drink in peace?

I have to say friend that I fear any delay you show will only be seen as acceptance. I think you need to be very very clear that right now you are not open to deciding if you want an open marriage and that for NOW you expect monogamy from her.

If you are up to it then its fine to read about open marriages and what a successful such marriage needs. I’m guessing you will find things like ground-rules that are clear to both on what is and what isn’t allowed. Asking her for monogamy while you two read and research before deciding… that’s not a strange or hindering request, but a rather normal and reasonable demand.

But… as much as I hate assumptions… we are all carrying umbrellas because it’s going to rain…

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:23 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

She has gone to her mother's place! Back later to collect more belongings.

It's always great when the trash takes itself out.

Your future self will thank you for taking a strong stance and advocating for yourself now, before you were run through the meat grinder.

As far as next steps go, you should get tested for STDs and have a consultation with a divorce attorney.

See a divorce attorney asap. Keep the ball rolling fast and hard. Make her head spin with how fast you want out of this situation. Don’t contact her but for financial, children or divorce reasons. Start worrying about you. Eat right. Exercise, don’t drink alcohol get plenty of sleep. Pamper yourself. If you don’t who will. Right!
Restart old hobbies or develop new ones. Reacquaint yourself with old friends. You get the picture. Good luck.

Open marriages swinging all this stuff isn't what normal good people do. It's an excuse for people to have sex with someone other than their spouse. Like other people said you should be thankful that the trash took herself out

Here is her mindset.

She has given herself permission to cheat (though it’s not cheating in her mind) b/c NOW you are separated. And to her, that’s an open door policy to do whatever she wants.

So you view everything from the day she moved to her mother’s house as cheating (if she’s going out with other men). She views it as NOT cheating.

She’s free to have an open marriage. But she should but expect you to be waiting for her. Or accepting of her "new" ideas.

I am truly sorry you are here. Only you know what you want.

An open marriage is not in keeping with my personal preferences, the M agreement I had with WS, or my desires for an intimate partnership.
I no longer beg my spouse to be anything he does not want to be. He is not the last man standing. Although I. My trauma I acted like he was. Funny thing. When I let go of what I did not want, I found so much better out there.

Again, only you know what you want.

I found the cheater door to be a hard one to close unilaterally in a M. I wanted the marriage closed and he kept kicking it open for him while wanting the benefits of me being in a closed M.

It was a deal breaker for me in my M.

I wish you peace and healing and for you to get what you want in a Relationship.

I know it is small comfort, but facing the situation is a far better choice than hoping for something to change IMHO. Unmasking her intentions allowed you to see through her whatever her plan might have been, and allow you to take a bit control.

If I were a betting man, I would wager she will use the "separated" cover for her new lifestyle and believe that you will be there pining for her return.

Thanks again all. Really appreciated.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Your WW is just another "cake eater". Wait and see, she'll find out that the AP isn't what she thinks he is and will realize she really screwed up.

Of course by then it will be too late.

Is she still at her mother's?

Daveo

Sometimes dealing with trauma simply requires that we act, and often the actions available are very very straight-forward and logical.

Like if you are driving some remote, desolate country-track and your tire blows out…
You could sit in your vehicle moaning about your bad luck, wondering if you should have driven slower, wondering if you should have paid a bit more for the better tires, grumbling about why AA doesn’t cover that remote road or whatever. You could scream at the tire, demand it self-inflate or whatever.
Do any of the above and… some hours from now you will still be stuck in the middle of nowhere with a blown tire.

You could also simply jack the car up and change tires, or use an emergency repair kit, or start walking towards the nearest phone or home. You could start ACTING in ways that will eventually get you to where you were headed.

It’s the same with infidelity. And yes – I think this is infidelity. Like I said in my first post I hate assumptions. But leaving you the minute you say you aren’t open to an open marriage… At the VERY LEAST it indicates she’s in an emotional affair she wants to progress to physical. Might already be there, or maybe not. But discussing that is comparable to looking at the flat tire and wondering if it’s flat because of a nail or because the sidewall gave in. Still leaves you stranded.

I am going to suggest the following:
Start NOW – like after reading this – to learn about divorce in your state. This is comparable to reading the safety-card in a flight. It’s not because this will definitely end in divorce, but just in case it does. I have to say that I think the odds of this going to D are above average…

The process is a long one. You don’t need to file today or tomorrow, but when and if you file there is a bunch of papers and info and some decisions that need to be made. This depends on numerous factors like the length of marriage, state laws, dependents, income… The better you prepare the quicker this can be over with at a lower cost.

Heck… If it’s a straight-forward, short, no-kids marriage chances are you two can do it online together at minimal cost. I ALWAYS recommend an attorney simply to ensure all the I’s are dotted and t’s crossed. For example – you don’t want a collector calling you because of a joint account she’s not been paying.

I suggest you initiate contact, but that contact should be relatively straight forward:
I am not open to an open marriage. I actually think your reason for asking is because you are already in an affair of some sorts. Not that it matters. If you aren’t willing to remain monogamous and I won’t open the marriage then all that’s left is the formal process of ending this marriage. Here is how I suggest we go about it…

How are you doing daveo? I hope you are gaining ground in this awful situation.