I didn't exactly know where to put this question and I felt that it was best in the New Beginnings area. Mods: please move it if you think that it belongs elsewhere.
I feel like there is a good deal of background needed for this... so...
For those of you who don't know me or remember me (I'm not on SI much any more), my D-Day was in August 2016, which eventually led to xWW initiating a divorce in August 2018.
The divorce became exceptionally nasty... with my xWW accusing me of all sorts of bad behavior that I will not describe again. I literally had to fire two different attorneys until I found someone talented enough to handle the avalanche of false allegations, after which my divorce proceeded somewhat normally (although it remained expensive, absurd, and high-conflict). After a trial, I was legally divorced on Feb 1, 2021 but it wasn't until May 2022 that appeals and other issues were fully resolved.
Simply put, my xWW is a cover narcissist who is very likable on the surface but she is also very devious and evil and she has tried (but failed) to ruin my life (unrelated New Beginning comment: I'm doing GREAT!!! I've survived infidelity and come out the other end better than ever -- yay!!).
During this time, xWW has tried to have me arrested numerous times. The first time was when she literally faked a domestic violence event in front of our children. She started screaming and yelling as if I was hitting her; the kids could not see what was happening but they could hear her. I eventually learned that she literally called the police prior to this event (I've experienced a lot of gaslighting, so I don't always trust my own version of reality). On three other occasions, she accused me of something akin to kidnapping because I was casually standing in a doorway and she claimed that I refused to let her leave (she never asked to be allowed to leave). On the night in which the judge made a temporary ruling in which I was required to leave the martial home, she told our children that I was certain to come home and beat her up, so she took the kids to her "friend's" house (i.e, her boyfriend at the time, who was not yet identified as a boyfriend). Almost two years after that in which I routinely picked up and dropped off our children at her house, she decided that me pulling my car into her driveway to pick up or drop off our children was "threatening"; she told me that she would call the police if I ever entered her property again. I have complied with this order; my children now have to walk to the street for me to pick them up, even in the cold and/or rainy weather.
Many/most of the issues with xWW have revolved around money. She has primary custody of the children, so I pay her a lot of child support. In addition to child support, however, she feels like I should pay for at least half of their expenses such as their clothes, their sporting activities, their school trips, their cell phones, etc. So, she used to regularly tell the children that I don't pay for anything... although xWW is obviously doing just fine financially as she has purchased a new house (and MUCH more expensive), a new car (i.e, she now has two cars), and a lot of new furniture since getting divorced. In contrast, I have struggled financially for much of this time, although I am (now) more or less back on feet, financially speaking.
Throughout the entirety of the divorce and even after the divorce, my xWW was very active in the area of parental alienation of our three children. She told them all of the same lies (and more!) that she told the court. During the summer of 2019, both of my daughters stopped speaking to me for 2-3 months. I believe (hope?) that I have effectively thwarted the parental alienation with both of my daughters (it never seemed to affect my son -- he and I have always been "good"). I think that I have completely turned around my relationship with my younger daughter (DD16), although she is now 16 years old and our relationship is often difficult but it feels like "normal" difficult, if that makes sense.
My relationship with my oldest daughter (DD17) remains distant/strained, although I think the major issue is her genuine personality rather than parental alienation. First, DD17 is very introverted (so am I). Second, I suspect that DD17 is on the autism spectrum (Asperger's) and so she's just kind of difficult during the best of times. Third, DD17 has created a very busy life for herself, which does not include time for her father. I now live about 30 miles from xWW and I have parenting time on Thursdays and every-other-weekend. DD17 signed up for a Jazz band class that meets at 7 am on Friday mornings, so she has skipped my Thursday evening parenting time since September. DD17 is also involved in a number of other extracurricular activities as well as working at a restaurant for 10-15 hours per week. I am guessing that she comes to my house maybe one night per month and only if I explicitly ask her about her plans for the night and/or weekend.
I have borderline perfected the grey rock method as far as xWW and any parental alienation. I keep in mind that the primary victims of parental alienation are my children, even if I am the primary target. I communicate with xWW strictly through OurFamilyWizard and I never discuss anything of a personal nature. I never say anything remotely critical of xWW around my children. I attend as many of their functions as I can, even though it is 60+ miles round trip for me to do so.
DD17 is graduating from high school in a few weeks. Because it's obvious that xWW and I have a high conflict relationship, DD17 and I have discussed having two graduation parties for her (i.e., one hosted by me and one hosted by xWW). However, because I don't have a lot of friends (I'm introverted and I lost most of my casual friends during the divorce), DD17 and I decided that I would host a party for her and her friends elsewhere this summer (i.e., not an "adult" party); this seemed like a good way for me to show my love, appreciation, and pride as far as DD17 but yet avoid the awkward redundancy of having two different graduation parties. That is, her mother would host an "adult" grad party and I would host more of a "fun" grad party.
On Sunday evening, DD17 texted me and asked if June 8th was okay for a grad party. Assuming that she was talking about the "fun" grad party that I planned to host, I asked her to call me (I was driving) so that I could get the details. In my mind, I was planning on hosting this party in July, so one of my first questions was "who will be attending?" DD17 immediately started listing off xWW's parents, siblings, xWW's partner's family etc. Being used to not criticizing anyone to DD17, I basically said that I didn't think that any of those people would want to come to my house... and it was at that point that I learned the actual truth:
I was being invited to my daughter's graduation party at xWW's house!!!
How do I handle this situation?
Remember, I have been told by her that walking onto her property is trespassing and that she will call the police if I ever walk onto her property again. Her family/relatives will also be there, all of whom I hated before I found out about the infidelity. Many of my old friends (i.e., the ones that took her side in the our divorce) will be there too. As in, other than my children, I really don't want to interact with anyone at this party ever again.
This invitation has me very much flummoxed. My spidey senses are definitely tingling that xWW is up to something.
One thought is that xWW will ask me to pay for half of the grad party in exchange for being allowed to attend. In some ways, this will give me an "out" because I can simply refuse to attend for this reason. That is, it's her party so she can pay for it.
Another thought, although very unlikely, is that xWW will have me arrested if I attend. I don't think this is likely because it would obviously make DD17 very angry, but I would still feel much more comfortable if I had an actual invitation (i.e., so that I could show it to the police if something came up).
Otherwise, my plan would be to show up, hug my daughter and tell her how proud I am of her, stay for a very short time, and then leave. That is, attend the party briefly but be a grey rock.
Other thoughts and advice?