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So I'm just curious if anyone else had to deal with the AP attacking there character and claiming they were going to file harassment suits on them for trying to understand why this person is involved with there spouse. Long story short when I found out about the affair i went to his work to confront them both face to face to say I knew he was cheating, of course I got so much denial from both sides but I also got that she was going ti take me to court for showing up at her job. Than I found them together in his truck the next day supposedly innocent however it wasn't I found out later she continued to tell me she was taking me to court even went along with the fact that they slept together to hurt me and get me to leave him. So she even wrote up a fiction letter of restraining order and her own stupid letter explaining that she never meant to Hurt anyone and she kissed him out of being upset over me showing up at there job she even had the nerve to say I owed him an apology my own husband. She is psyco but it all makes the reconcile for us so much harder as I'm more upset with how he let her harassment claims and attack on me continue. Wondering if any one else had to deal with this with the other person.

I wrote a nasty email to my ex's mistress after Dday. It didn't contain any threats; just a vent about how I was feeling with some colorful language about my thoughts on her character.

She wrote back some quasi-legalese-sounding email ("cease and desist!") and threatened to forward my original email to her to my employer.

My response: "If you want to forward my message to my boss, who is an older, happily married woman, and out yourself as someone who sleeps with married men, go ahead. She'll probably give me a promotion after she reads what I wrote you."

That was the last I've heard of her and I never responded to her again.

Now as for advice for your situation, the problem you're having right now is not with the OW; it's with your husband who continues to see and communicate with her. You've already shown up at their job and surprised them together; if you continue to contact her and seek her out in person against her expressed wishes, she might very well have a legitimate case for harassment against you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:39 PM, Monday, May 15th]

She is psyco but it all makes the reconcile for us so much harder as I'm more upset with how he let her harassment claims and attack on me continue.

She is not making reconciliation harder. He is. He is the one who keeps talking to her. He is the one who told her not to answer the phone if he called her,because you were sitting there wanting him to call,so you could get answers. Those answers should be coming from him. Get the polygraph and stop expecting a woman who had an affair with your husband, to be more honest than your husband. He got her to lie to you and tell you they didn't have sex. This woman who you say hates you. Why would she do that? Because he asked her to. Because the affair continued, and may still be continuing.

She has to have proof of harassment. You showing up at your husband's work isn't harassment. Repeated calls are.

You have been told the affair was still continuing when she called and denied the sex. Yet, in your above post, your husband knew you felt he was cheating, and he invited her into his car. Clearly he will do it,if he thinks he won't get caught.

Your husband is lying to you. He is the problem. Leave her be, before you do get in legal trouble.

Start holding him responsible for all of this.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:49 PM, Monday, May 15th]

Diva,

I always discourage BSs from engaging with the AP. It’s unwise, hazardous, pointless and futile. APs, almost as a prerequisite, have serious character flaws and emotional problems. These people are high risk.

As a BS, you have enough to deal with, and the last thing you need on your plate is an active conflict with a hot mess total stranger, a very unpredictable and volatile stranger. Enforce hard boundaries and NC, cut the parasitic organism from your family and move on. That’s your husband’s job. It’s his job to keep you and the family safe-especially from toxins HE brought into the family. If he’s not doing the job, then you cut him out of your life also.
Employ "The 180" as part of your defenses and start heading for your attorney’s office and don’t stop until your WS gets his shit together and begins providing you a safe, secure and hopeful environment that fosters R.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:01 PM, Monday, May 15th]

Never expect the OW to be honest and understanding of the Betrayed spouse.

The OW has been told a bunch of lies (most likely) and believed them. The wife is a horrible person and the OW is the best thing since sliced bread 😂.

The OW wants to win and be loyal to the cheating H. The BS is the enemy.

The OW in my case would post in social media about how I was a loser b/c I chose to R. The OW would never stay with a cheater of a H.

What’s funny here is that it’s ok (in the OW’s mind)to be a cheater but not reconcile with a cheating spouse.

The OW mentality defies logic. They believe the lies they are told. Stupid!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:30 PM, Wednesday, May 17th]

Yes, I have been threatened by the AP numerous times. She says she is filing a lawsuit against me for harassment, bullying, stalking and cyber bullying. All over a few Facebook likes. She has threatened and harassed me. I have screenshots of the messages. Anything I wrote her was in response to her nasty messages. She says she has seen a lawyer and has been told she has a good case against me. She must be lying about that. I have read the definitions of harassment, bullying and stalking in my state. If anyone is guilty, it’s her. So far, nothing has happened. I haven’t been issued a subpoena or heard anything from her or a lawyer. She is a pathological liar and a narcissist. She even said she was filing for mental anguish! Seriously? I’m the one with PTSD because of her.
She has referred to herself as the victim, that I’m trying to upset her and that I’m interfering with her world. Talk about turning the tables but isn’t that what narcissists do? She has had many affairs and seems very experienced at these threats and making herself the victim.

Yep! Been there. AP threatened to file harassment charges against adult daughter and I for venting to her what we thought (she had pretended to be a friend). That threat quit when I let her know I’d be at her place of employment (she works for a school) with proof that she stalked my minor children (who attended the school district) in efforts to see what my husband was up to. I also had private information (from husband) about other students that she would be fired for speaking about. That shut her up. Fight back. These cheaters are unhinged.

Woody28, that sounds so erie similar to my situation everytime I did something she would say I'm filing she was a crazy psycho for sure. Still is. Sent me a letter telling me she can't sleep or eat and has ti go into therapy and that I was only thinking of myself during this affair. I was so angry I still am so angry. I know she will never and never had a case against me she just loved to tell me this everytime I saw her stupid face. Which was too much, but when she sent me a letter explaining all that and that like you said acted like the victim I wanted to scream. Than also saying she never meant to hurt anyone. Such a terrible person. Never meant to hurt anyone I thought you coukd have stopped doing what you were doing when I confronted you but in the end it was more about my husband figuring out his stupid ness with her and it only helped me by her threats to me for him to see her true colors and end things. The aftermath though of all of that on top of him was that she was attacking me I finally wrote her and told her she was a bully and attacked me for loving my husband. She responded I don't know who this is. True crazy person.

That is eerie similar. I think these women, or a lot of them, have these narcissistic characteristics. I, too, thought she would stop seeing my husband after I confronted her. Man, I had a lot to learn. I am so angry at her not only for pursuing my husband but now for these threats of suing me. In addition to harassment, bullying, cyber bullying, mental anguish ( that one kills me) she has also claimed punitive damages which there are none.
She calls herself the victim, says I’m disrupting her life and interfering in her world. All that and SHE had an affair with my husband. She’s put me in a situation where I can’t contact her. That’s her threat- if I contact her again, she will take me to court. Even though I don’t believe for a minute she has a case against me, I can’t take the chance so I pour it out on these forums. I would love nothing more than to write her a letter and call her out for her lies and everything she has done. So, so angry at the nasty bitch.

A dear friend of mine got cheated on by her husband. My friend knew his AP and confronted her. Ap was initially sobbing, crying and apologizing. Ap even promised my friend that she would end this affair. But, she did the opposite. When my friend found out this affair is still active, she confronted AP. But, this time AP was aggressive and threatened my friend with the same harassment allegations. My friend was like,"I would love that bitch. Come on. Do it!!". My friend's WH is a lawyer. So, she knew AP had no case.

Some people as so delusional that they refuse to see themselves anything other than victims. Trust me, that is a pathetic way of living. To be a victim all the time one must be as miserable and insecure as possible and a very big looser.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 1:45 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

Oh yeah I feel the same way I want to call her and tell her off personally so she couldn't say I don't know who this is. I can't have much closure because same thing I can't contact her either because everytime she says I'm taking you to court. Of course not true has no case but I know I'm sure you do as well you just don't want to mess with a person who is that nuts no telling what they would end up doing could get alot worse for us. I just have so much anger for not being able to have that last word closure my husband says silence is best and that we are working things out and she is a nobody now to him because he was just using her. I would just love for her to hear that from him but of course he doesn't want any contact with her which sounds stupid that I'm the one who wants to tell her off and he is the one to leave her alone. It's just that I wanted her to be hurt the way she Hurt me and with silence I feel that is not good enough for me but for now I have to try and just forget her craziness and move past her and focus on my recovery. It's not easy when not only your spouse cheats but the person he cheats with is attacking and a bully towards you.

Diva19 - closure is overrated. Closure is a momentary satisfaction. It's not permanent. You know what's permanent?? Indifference. I know, when you are hurt and in pain the word indifference doesn't makes sense. It actually sounds like an insult to the BS. But, there is a meaning to it. There is a comfort in it. There is a safety in it. When you reach the stage of Indifference she can't hurt you anymore, she can't provoke you anymore, she cannot destabilize you anymore because she wont matter to you anymore. It's real thing. It is possible to reach that stage. That is the real closure. Ap becomes nothing more than a barking dog. A stone in your shoe. A dirt on a road. Focus on indifference. Focus on your healing. You can't carry all this anger and hatred for long time. It's exhausting and suffocating. Focus on healing and indifference.

Now, spend all your energy and anger on your husband. He is still unsafe. Your marriage is still sinking because of the hole he made. Focus on that.

I know sounds so easy to do. Let it go and make my life about me and my husband getting better for each other. Healing its just when you want to let it go fear creeps in or regret for me regret is letting her get to me in the first place and make me become a monster I became a person and someday still am a person I don't recognize I have so much anger for her and him. I just scream and cry it's still so early on in my discovery and she doesn't matter anymore to him and shouldn't to me she isn't working with him or I believe living here in the state I'm in anymore. It's just hard to let it go I run thorough my head the moments and scenes of my encounter with her and them and they were so terrible I became a high schooler wanting to fight in the parking lot but I'm not a fighter instead I was weak she caused me to be weak and fearful of her and over what threats of harassment and pain and suffering from me towards her. Such a loser I knkw this she is troubled but she took something from me that I'm having such a hard time getting back. However my husband hates that she treated me that way and ever said things towards me or against me and he didn't know all of the things she did till I told him. Of course he knows I'm stillblaming him for bringing her into my life in the first place so that's a whole nother healing process.

I know sounds so easy to do.

Well, yeah.

But it doesn't seem easy to do while you're doing it. In the course of an entire life, achieving indifference seems like a moment, but it takes time and effort. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover, not 2-5 months.

Settle in for a long haul. Be kind to yourself. Know that it will take a lot longer than anyone thinks it should - but you can heal.

I know sounds so easy to do.

Like I said,

I know, when you are hurt and in pain the word indifference doesn't makes sense. It actually sounds like an insult to the BS.

I know it's not easy. I know it's not what you want right now. I also know you won't achieve indifference anytime sooner. But, that's the only way. Every person I have met and seen who has healed from infidelity has confirmed that stage of indifference is when they truely escaped infidelity and healed.

I am not saying you should rush towards indifference because you can't rush. It's impossible. You must go through all stages of grief and personal growth before you reach that stage. When you reach that stage you become truely free and healed. Happy and blissful. All I want is for you to know where you should be heading.

Thank you, I didn't take it as a insult it's just hard for me to imagine my future being free of my own thoughts of what I endured with not only my husband but another person attacking me for staying and fighting and loving my husband. It sucks to feel this way I just want to move past it so much that I think it's stopping me. If that makes since I want to wake up one day just one and be like today is the day I don't think sadness,trauma and pain and I can smile again truly smile. I mean in all honesty most would never say this happened for a reason and something good came out of it the affair that sounds crazy but my husband is doing so many things that now are real and genuine and more supportive it's not his words its his actions and its because he basically got a Hall Pass ( like the movie) without the ok first but you get the idea. I'm sure. But yeah I understand what your trying to say once I let the anger go for her a non existence of a person I will start healing. Well and some anger for him to. Because of course it's his fault I'm here on this site to begin with she was just a entity he was using but fell for her flirtatiousness after a few months of her persistent performance of fake drama to lure him in but in the end he made the decision to reach out to her after work hours and be with her. So yeah he still is my number one enemy so to speak.

Diva19 I replied to one of your earlier posts, but reading through the others it just strikes me again how similar your story is to mine. I feel like I could have written a lot of what you said. It is an It is our husbands’ fault - but hers also- that we are on this site to begin with and that he fell for her flirtatiousness after a few months of her persistence and luring him, and they eventually took their relationship to after work hours. Word for word, the same for me.
My greatest desire is wanting to "tell her off "or say it in a letter to her. I so want to have the last word with her. I want to tell her everything she did, how she hurt me and my family, that I know she chased and pursued my husband persistently for months, and was the reason that we separated. Hopefully, she knows that last part and my husband keeps telling me she knows everything because he told her that he told me everything, but I still have such a desire to let loose on her. Since she’s made it impossible for me to contact her, I’ve asked my husband if he would, but he won’t. He also thinks that silence is best. And he thinks that she might file the harassment charges although she has made it clear that any charges would be in my name only not in his. He has also made it clear that she is irrelevant and a nobody to our lives now which is true.
It does make it so hard to heal when the person he cheated with, is now threatening and accusing me of things I never did, making herself a victim, and accusing me of things that she has done such as harassment, bullying, cyber bullying. She’s told me that I’m disrupting her life. She’s tell me that I am interfering in her world. Really?
She had an affair with my husband, and she’s accusing me of disrupting her life?
I also have the movies that loop through my head. Not as much now as in the beginning, still those memories and images pop up unexpectedly. I pray that I will eventually rid my mind of those images.
She definitely took something from me. Besides trying to take my husband, she took my security, my peace of mind, my knowledge that my family was secure no matter what. I’ll never understand how another person could behave in such a manner. Not only the shocking and disgusting ways came onto him sexually but the knowledge that she was hurting me – a decent human being, a faithful spouse who had trusted her husband up until then.
I totally acknowledge and realize my husband’s part in the whole mess. My anger and my blame are mostly directed toward her, but even my husband has reminded me to blame him equally if not more and I certainly acknowledge that he made the choice to cheat on me with such a low life.
I apologize if I’m repeating myself but since I can’t see my other message I may be stating things that I already said.

Woody28, you and I have those same feelings and same situations. It's so crazy I did send a text message to her after she sent me a 2 page letter explaining that she didn't mean to hurt anyone and I was only thinking of myself during this whole event. These women are not like us they have no soul, they are heartless and psycho. I was totally blamed by her for my marriage failing and my husband leaning on her for support. She was nuts but like you it disgust me to not want to cuss her out and tell her she is insane I don't know why her words bothered me so much when I know some were him telling her lies how he felt about me at the time, because our marriage was not so great before this happened but now it's so much better from it. That's what I try to take away from those words from her or her actions towards me she is a nobody and where is she now alone and without the protection of MY HUSBAND and I try to remember this as yours said it's not what they did but they are more to blame but what they do now. Mine is in no contact with her at all wants nothing to do with her so I try and think if I was so ooo terrible of a wife like she thought of me than she couldn't even get my husband or keep him to be with her than she must be feeling like total dog poo because he told her he isn't leaving me for her was the last thing he told her. Yes it still upsets me that I couldn't see her face and tell her to go to you know where but I did send a text and I said she was crazy and he saw through her fake words and crazy actions and I told her off it didn't matter she acted like she didn't know who I was it was sickening but I did it and thought it would make me feel better it didn't but what I'm trying to make myself feel better is knowing she doesn't have him on her side anymore and never will. I hope you and I can help each other heal. I'm trying hard to let that anger go towards her and him, some days are better than others because she is a nobody and for what she did and wouod continue to do if I reached out shows her character is not of one I need to lower myself to speak to. Keep me posted. I took of my message thing but if you want we can message anytime you and I seem to be very similar people with a good heart

It is an It is our husbands’ fault - but hers also- that we are on this site to begin with and that he fell for her flirtatiousness after a few months of her persistence and luring him, and they eventually took their relationship to after work hours. Word for word, the same for me.

Y'all are a bit too willing to give your WS's a pass IMO. I mean really - your poor WH was just too fragile and fell for the black widow? You believe this? Or you are willing to accept this? My WH tried claiming the same thing - and I have the text messages - the AP definitely was the pursuer...BUT my WH did nothing to stop it - nothing. He is not some mental weakling or suffering from some psychotic episode. He WANTED TO. Your WHs WANTED TO also. Period. The AP here really could be anyone. Your WH is the problem for YOU. I can't reiterate enough how much help you give your WH to rug-sweep and not respect your needs when you adopt the attitude that the AP was at fault somehow.

Even in my most delusional state about the "good" person my WH "really was" (he wasn't - but he's getting there now - finally) I never ever put any blame about the state of my marriage on the AP. Why? Because the AP never made a commitment to ME - your WH did.

Re your original question: I am a lawyer and I did send a cease and desist letter to the AP after she sent me various text messages claiming that I, by outing the A to the OBS, had ruined her child's life - her family (You can imagine my response). After several unsolicited texts and one call I sent her a certified letter to her house telling her that I would copy anything/everything she sent me as evidence for my restraining order if I figured I needed to file one if she continued her attempted communications with me. I didn't end up having to file - she backed off (admittedly I kind of wanted to file one against her - but she must have sensed that I was not joking and never contacted me again). But, for your part, you need to stop engaging with the AP. I loved sending the AP that letter but I didn't want closure - I wanted her to let me ruin her security clearance job by filing a TRO.

Diva..did you ever follow through with the polygraph?

It was obvious,when she called and said she lied about them having sex,that the two of them had conspired together to sell that false narrative to you. So he was still in contact with her.

You said things are so much better..what work is he doing to become a safe partner?

I also think you are doing a huge disservice to your attempt to reconcile, by not holding your husband fully responsible for his actions. He isn't a victim,lured in by a predator. He chose to do what he did. You confronted them,then found her with him, in his car,the next day. He had the affair because he wanted to. If you allow yourself to not hold him fully accountable, then you have set yourself, and him,up for a new affair..after all..poor guy can't help himself when he's lured in by a woman who is targeting him.