SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellfire, I'm gonna say what I feel I understand you don't have my whole story I'm only responding to what others are speaking of and how I feel about that one peticular situation esp when it comes to the OW and how I made me feel. I read another post where someone said you come at them with strong energy I get it I also saw your response that your to the point and truthful but this is a delicate situation for someone us here and to tell our story is hard and what's harder is getting our story across with all the facts emotions and decisions and what we and I am dealing with daily with all the aftermath of what happened. I get what your trying to do or say but maybe take a minute and be a little kinder with your representation. To let you know since you asked I do hold him accountable for the entire situation and blame him solely for his actions the only reason I'm still angry with her is because I engagaed with her when I wish I would have only accused him and him alone and left her to wallow in her own pity and drama but that's where I was at fault and why I feel responsible for interacting with her. My husband takes full blame and is not in contact with her at all and has no interest but I am still diligent in keeping my marriage protected and watching my husband's actions not his words. I have also reached a place to not care about what happened sex or not it was the decision he made to be anywhere around her or talk to her on the first place but it's still so early in my own healing I haven't even tried to reconcile yet till I heal on my own.

Diva 19 I found myself nodding while I was reading your message. So similar to my story. She didn’t mean to hurt anyone? That is absolute bulls- - -. She made a conscious choice to cheat with your husband. She knew what she was doing just like my husband and his AP. No moral compass, no conscience, no, thinking about others, thinking only of themselves, super selfish. my husband has said he was the same with no morals and being selfish but at least he changed and realized what a horrible thing he was doing. He said he never talked about me or our marriage to her. Thank God.I really think it was a friendship at first, although inappropriate and crossed the line, then I told him to move out, and then it was all about the sex which ruined the relationship. He was disgusted with himself, as well as her. She is not alone now. She makes sure she has a constant supply. In fact, I think when my husband broke it off with her, she already was seeing someone. I have wondered what she thought when he broke it off and she got dumped for the older, fatter, less attractive woman ( me.) I feel like it would give me some closure and some healing if I could just get some things off my chest and tell her verbally or even write it to her. My husband keeps telling me she already knows everything. He told me that she asked what he had told me to get me so upset. He said he told her everything. But I want to tell her and I am sure that she does know.
But that is really not sufficient for me. I want to tell her myself.
I also have good and bad days. I think I’m having more good days and bad days. I felt myself getting angry a few days ago and for the first time in 4 1/2 years I was able to calm myself down and stop. I agree they are nobody to us now. Totally irrelevant.
Feel free to message me anytime.

Believe it,or not,I've been told by many here that they appreciate my straightforward approach. That person who said I had strong energy,has since thanked me.

If anyone here understands the difficulties with the OW, it's me. 15 years since dday. She still stalks me. I get "gifts" from her. The most recent, were self help books to deal with CSA, when I overshared here a few weeks ago. That's right. She even followed me here. She became a member, and lied her ass off off entire time she was here,trying to provoke me. This woman has also stalked my older kids.

So I get that it's "delicate." You know, I am a BS as well. Some seem to forget that.

I hope he does the work. I will stay off your threads, and put my energy elsewhere.

I think HellFire has a good point... too much emphasis is being placed on the other women.

But I did the same thing too at the time and focused on the other women. My wh has passed away but I still decided to send her one last message to ask her if she was ready to talk? Of course she denied anything ever going on and told me to never contact her again.

Anyways, I came to find out after his death, turns out there were lots of other women and not just one like he originally admitted to. And prior to his death and in a round about way he told me that there were at least 11 other women. I think there were more.

This cheating never stops until the cheating spouse is willing to put the work in to figure out their why's. Why was it okay for them to cheat? Why was it okay to lie to us? Why was it okay to ruin our marriage? Because he was weak?

Well my deceased wh weakness trapped him into multiple affairs. I really don't think they stop until they are ready to do the work on themselves to figure out their why's. And this usually takes years of deep therapy and a lot of introspection. Him saying sorry and he won't ever do it again just isn't enough.

I'm sorry for the emotional pain you both are experiencing and for the reasons the two of you have found yourself here.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 9:57 PM, Monday, June 12th]

I really don't think they stop until they are ready to do the work on themselves to figure out their why's. And this usually takes years of deep therapy and a lot of introspection. Him saying sorry and he won't ever do it again just isn't enough.

This - 1000 times this. I would only add that they have to make this decision - come to the conclusion they need to do something - on their own. All the yelling and negotiating and hinting in the world on your end isn't going to get them any closer.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:48 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Some men, like your husband, pick a damaged woman, because she is so thrilled at having a boyfriend she will do anything he asks of her. She tells herself they’re going to be together forever, and he probably told her that as well. She lived in a fantasy world that she has never let go of because she is damaged mentally and emotionally. This is what your husband brought into your life. She’s a stalker. This is probably going to be a long time getting her out of your life and the smartest thing you can do is keep everything she’s written and everything that she’s done or said. The more you can prove the better because at some point, you’re probably going have to take an SO out on her. Never respond to anything. Phone calls, texts, emails, whatever, you do not respond.

Definitely I saved everything besides she helped me out with that one by copies of all the messages from me and her she sent to me as well as a letter explaining what she did was on purpose. I guess she is so damaged and full of herself she didn't realize she did me a favor. I'm waiting for the day she tries to send me to court I have all the necessary papers to prove she hurt me on purpose. I'm getting better at distancing myself from thinking about her at all anymore, now it's all about my husband and what he is responsible for, I can honestly say I feel so much better about who I am by myself without him if need be than I did before.

When someone tells you a hard truth that you don't want to hear, ask yourself these questions;

Are they purposely trying to hurt me?
Why am I angry?
What lesson am I trying not to hear?

Move on from what's irrelevant (the AP) and focus on what is important. You and your husband shouldn't come together because of a common "enemy" but rather, you should come together because he is doing the hard work to make you safe. Don't confuse the two. Otherwise you will find yourself back in this same position sometime in the future.