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It's been 6 months since I found out my WH had a affair he says it was emotional not physical except some kissing her once or twice. I still am getting TT all the time and that hurts worse than I imagined it would. I'm going to schedule a polygraph test soon and we will see what happens. We are going to MC it seems to be working ok not great of course. He is trying to make me feel like he is trying to be a better man for us and me but the lies are hard to deal with and the fact that he had a emotional affair is tough on me he says he believed her ego boost than but now realizes it was all fake and doesn't need those things anymore. He met her to break things off in September 2022 she asked why and cried of course he says he wants to be with me and made a wrong decision starting anything with her. I feel like she didn't get it and still thinks he cares about her the other day I made him send a text to a coworker female to say no more talking outside of work, she constantly complained to him about other workers and he listened I felt threatened by that and feel like after all this he lost those rights to female friendships. Well guess who calls him right after the text was sent because the OW and her are friends she actually had the nerve to tell him how his marriage should be just like before and felt like it was ok to tell him look what your wife is doing in case he had no idea. I was in shock he answered because I wanted to hear what she would say and why and what he would do. Well he did nothing just listened said ok thank you hung up. I was furious with him I thought he wouod be more protective over our marriage and me but no it totally stopped all my thoughts that this is over or he truly cares about what he did. He claims he just didn't want to talk to her at all and I made him he wants to forget about her and the fact that he needed her in the first place. I'm so torn on my thoughts right now 😞 it's hard I'm trying to watch his actions vs his talk. He has been very different since that phone call makes me question so much. I also feel like I can't move on unless I hear him for myself tell her it's over and was a bad idea for talking to her in the first place he says silence is best and this is the last word us being together. Is that dumb to believe.

[This message edited by Diva19 at 3:52 PM, Monday, May 8th]

R can’t even be considered until your WH goes full NC with the AP. No contact. Zero contact. Ever. NC with friends of the AP too.

See a divorce attorney or two, appointments with a free consultation to understand your rights.

Your WH can’t go about his contacts with the opposite sex until he addresses the issues that led him to seek validation outside of the marriage. There is no going back to ‘normal’ regarding his behavior, because normal didn’t work out very well.

Protect yourself first, then tell your WH.

Without actions, consistent actions or the truth, there isn’t much room to consider R, until you see a LOT more work from your WH.

As long as he continues to lie,you need to stop trying to R.

180. Stop acting like his wife. Stop cooking, cleaning,laundry,and anything else you do for him. Stop having sex with him. He is not a safe partner. Stop offering the gift of R.

You can not R with an unremorseful WS. It just doesn't happen.

He can say he is a better man..but that's not at all true,because he's still a liar. He's still wayward. There's more to no longer being a wayward, than simply not cheating.

You are right to be upset that he listened to the woman on the phone,and not only did he not defend and protect you, he THANKED her!! Thats so not ok.

Reconciliation is a process that takes years. The WS has to be willing to do the hard work. There is no quick fix.

Please inform the OBS. He deserves to know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:12 PM, Monday, May 8th]

In my case there is no OBS she is single. I would definitely would have thought if he existed. I have thought many times what should I keep doing or not doing its like I'm letting be comfortable and comfortable lying to me still thinking I won't leave him esp after all this how could I. I just wish he wouldn't be so complacent and stop thinking about himself that is definitely what I keep thinking about. I thought I could handle this so much better than I have.

NC is best. But he hasn't established NC. He's just ignoring her.

Tell him to send her a NC message. It should basically say.."Do not attempt to contact me,in any form,or have anyone else attempt to contact me on your behalf. Any future attempts will result in leg action."

Then he blocks her.

Look, he doesn't get to tell you what you need. He doesn't get to tell you what is best. His thought process allowed him to cheat, so he doesn't get to decide this. You need to make this NC message a requirement for you to even allow him to stay in the house right now.

By not sending a NC message, it allows that door between them to stay open. It needs to be slammed shut.

What I suggested is the perfect NC message. He doesn't need to discuss his marriage,or his wife,or how he feels with her. Short, cold,to the point.

I appreciate that and I will tell him that I needed to hear that because his way is stupid ignoring her it wasn't enough for me to deal with and the hardest part is she thinks every text is from me because he hasn't stood upto his part of the nc or telling her off as I like to say.

Not to burst your bubble, but he can say everything you needed to hear to the OW or friend of the OW and then backtrack the next day when you are not around.

I was in that game unknowingly for months.

My H was telling me he wants to R and telling the OW he will D me. He was good at telling us both what we wanted to hear while not committing to either one.

I made it very easy for him in Dday2. I told him I was D him and he was free to be with anyone he chose — even the OW.

He had to fight like hell to get me to R.

Hi, Your situation is similar to mine. It is crazy making I know. I am 3.5 years out from DDay and reaching a point where I am ready to stop working at my marriage as i feel like i am the only one trying. The love I felt for my WH is slowly being eroded and being replaced by revulsion. I have recently offered him less emotional support which is having a small effect on making him try however it doesn’t last long. I suspect he is hoping to have his cake and eat it. Its like his AP has some magical hold over him which he is unable to resist. I hope your situation improves. I like you, need evidence NC is actually bring adhered to.

he answered because I wanted to hear what she would say and why and what he would do. Well he did nothing just listened said ok thank you hung up. I was furious with him I thought he wouod be more protective over our marriage and me but no it totally stopped all my thoughts that this is over or he truly cares about what he did. He claims he just didn't want to talk to her at all and I made him

He answered the OW's call because you told him to answer it? Is there a reason she hasn't been blocked from his phone?

My first question would be to ask yourself why are you trying to reconcile? Kids? Money? Stigma of being divorced? Religion / faith? You really love him? All of these are loaded questions that I think are important to figure out before you even attempt R.

The thread title states "thinks divorce would be easier"
Who thinks it would be easier? You? Your husband?

Just a few days ago, the ow called,after months of not answering her phone,and lied. You found out, under threat of a polygraph, that he was lying. It became clear that the two of them got their story straight so that phone call would get you to back off. He collaborated with the OW.

She protected him.

There is very strong reason to believe this affair is continuing.

She didn't answer prior,because he told her you were sitting there,wanting him to call.

Even if it's over,he contacted her to lie to you. Another secret the two of them share.

You shouldn't be trying to reconcile. You need to recover. You need to 180 to protect yourself.

So much to unpack here,
@BraveSirRobin. Yes I told him to answer the phone so I could hear what she wanted to say to him. I also didn't want him to block her because I have his phone connected to mine and am able to see any text or calls in or outgoing. For my own safety and ease of mind I wanted to see of they had any contact by phone at all and in 6 to 7 months prior to me texting her and having him call her for me to hear even if it was a lie if they had sex there had been no contact. She doesn't work with anymore and I have a Google tracker on him to know where he is always and we have cameras in our home and outside. I am pretty much a detective and he knows one screw up and I'm leaving him. He has been pretty willing to do what he needs to help me heal. It still comes with issues of course.

@Bigger it's me for sure he wants to make our marriage work and feels terrible for being a awful spouse to me. It's just the constant watching him and asking him questions never really knowing if he is keeping a detail from me to so he calls it protect me but I know the TT is real and I'm exhausted sometimes with all the deciet and mostly worring all the time if he will do it again to me because he is weak.

@doublerainbow. We don't have kids. It's not about money. I am only thinking of what I want as far as reconcile or divorce and wanting to at least try to have a marriage with him because I do love him and our life before this affair was horrible to say the least. Now he is definitely showing me he cares it still may not be enough of course in the end lies will end us. I just hate this pain and some days feel like if he wasn't around than I could move on easier. I have to question every call or text with a number I don't know. I have to question his behavior even if it's just a bad day at work and he doesn't immediately come to me and kiss me. It sucks.

@Gracie. Yes somedays are definitely worse than others for me where I too feel like giving up just because I don't even care if he wants to be a better man now he messed up and I'm too scared it could happen again. I sometimes feel like if I leave him he can't leave me or do it again to me. Crazy I know.

@hellfire I honestly don't know what to believe with her call but I do know he isnt still with her or want to be he definitely had a chance to and talked divorce before I found out about her. His actions are stupid at best but he has seemed to just want to forget it happened. I told him the other day he isn't allowed to forget about it because than it's like it never happened and that dismisses my feelings. He may be dumb but he understands that I can amd will find out anything and unfortunately I told him one more lie or deciet and I will divorce him and take back my life he is afraid of that and I suppose fear is good for him to feel. I will still do the polygraph test in a couple of weeks

I'm sorry, but he knows you can see what he's doing on his phone..so he knows not to use that phone to contact her. Burner phones are sold at every Dollar store, for less than $20. Google tracking him means very little. She can come to him,or he can leave his phone behind when he sees her.

You are blinded by your love for him. Understandable. But there's no other way to view that phone call. They talked,and he convinced her to lie.

He won't stand up for you,or the marriage. He thanks people for slamming you. He wouldn't even ask her why she "lied" and said there was no sex when he eventually admitted there was.

I wouldn't think of it in terms of "what’s easier", as the answer to that highly depends on the circumstances. It is not uncommon to see the circumstances clearly only in retrospect. For me, in the months / years after DDay reconciliation was easier. Now, I believe separating after DDay would’ve been easier. Then again, if we had separated back then, maybe I’d regret not giving us a chance. Or maybe I’d feel much better than I feel now, who knows?

I believe many BSs are being misled by the sentence "Reconciliation is hard". Is it hard? Absolutely. However, BSs cling on to that sentence way too much when things in reconciliation are not going well. Perhaps it would be useful to think a little about what that sentence means. What exactly is hard? For me, the hard part is dealing with the pain of the fact your WS betrayed you (this includes processing all the shitty things they were doing / thinking / feeling during the betrayal). For me, making my peace with that is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The hard part might also be trusting your spouse again (strangely, I didn’t struggle with that a lot). The hard part might be to be vulnerable with your spouse (again, not something that was hard for me, as I’m naturally very open and comfortable with sharing my emotions). The hard part might be dealing with your own shame for staying, destroyed self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, triggers, and many other things BSs commonly write about here.

The hard part of reconciliation IS NOT and SHOULD NOT be enduring continuous shitty behavior from your WS. "Reconciliation is hard" does not mean you ought to suffer and patiently wait for them to change. It does not mean you should excuse them for taking a very long time to "get it". I strongly believe there’s not a single WS out there who did everything right and perfectly after DDay. I strongly empathize with WSs, and I completely understand they can’t change their wayward paths of thinking instantly. However, when it takes a long time for them to demonstrate significant change, that’s a good indicator they don’t have the willpower to change. It’s hard for them to change and start getting it because they don’t want to, not because it really is hard. I wish someone had told me that at 6 months after DDay, I wish someone had told me that the little changes WS is doing are just a distraction, just a bone he occasionally throws to keep me interested. I wish someone had told me that the reconciliation with the right partner is supposed to be EASY.

Diva19, at 6 months after DDay, you should be on your path to healing, you should be processing your pain and struggles, and your husband should be there for you and 100% support you, not cause you additional pain, additional shocks, and additional damage. Your time is precious, your mental health is of uttermost importance. Take it from someone who wasted 6 freaking years holding on to the promises that never got delivered. Holding on to the sentence "Reconciliation is hard", thinking it means I should endure just a little bit more, and then he’ll get it. Holding on to the positive reconciliation stories without realizing a key difference – my husband is nothing like their WSs. Diva19, some waywards NEVER get it.

I’m with HellFire on this (I have to say, I’ve yet to see a post of hers that I don’t agree with) – you need to protect yourself. I’m basing this not only on this topic, but on your previous topics as well. I see you don’t want to throw in the towel just yet. I respect that, but please do not let this go on for too long.

Well honestly this is why I'm still on here. I had thought it I wanted to let it all go and move forward I had to let go of anything that reminds me of this OW and his lack of judgment of our marriage. Then I realized I can't 100 percent thi k clearly on my own so being here reading posting listening to advice has helped me to ask the hard questions to myself and him and do the hard work which is consider the fact that he may still be seeing her or mayve not but definitely has not gotten over her completely and therefore I need to reconsider my mind and put my guard up. It's been tough to hear the facts things that can and may still be happening vs my fairy tell of this is over with her and we can be happy. But it may be over with her or not but he still has so much more to do in this marriage for me. Question do any of you think I should have him call her and tell her to stay out of our business and never contact again. I want to believe he can be stern and firm with her not like a lost puppy which is how I felt threatened by this the whole time

No. No more calls. He needs to message her the NC message above,then block her.

Diva..she isn't the problem. Even if they are over, he isn't doing anywhere close to the work he should be doing to become a safe partner. He's the problem. He will continue to be the problem unless he gets serious about facing his issues, really fast.

Reconciliation is a 3 to 5 year process. It can't even begin until the ws stops lying.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:58 PM, Tuesday, May 9th]

Hi @Diva19 I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this situation in your marriage and I can understand the roller coaster of emotions you're currently going through.
I know from my own experience that when I agreed to R with my H after his infidelity, he called the other woman in my hearing to let her know he would no longer be in contact and that he was committed to working on his marriage.
Consistent actions and words from the WS in rebuilding the broken trust is really important for a successful R. This means your H needs to hear, understand and act on what what you require from him to reassure you and not just discount what you want and instead do what is easy for him.

It's also so important not to rug sweep issues as it will not help the R process to move forward, just wondering if are you able to do this during your MC time.

The truth is only time will tell if you're H is sincerely remorse and fully committing to your relationship, hopefully this is the case.

I know this can't be easy for you but I'm praying that the near future will bring healing for your emotions and wisdom for your decisions. Please also remember that no matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

What I suggested is the perfect NC message. He doesn't need to discuss his marriage,or his wife,or how he feels with her. Short, cold,to the point.

IMO the only perfect NC message is one that is written by the WS on their own with no direction (I would argue that if you even have to tell them to write it it's pointless because that should be the first instinct if someone wants to actually save their marriage). At least that was my case. My WH wrote multiple NC messages, but they were at my instruction and were therefore worthless. The one he wrote on his own, after I had left him, was the only one that mattered because he actually meant it.

I would say at most suggest they send one, and see what they actually wrote (if they sent anything) - that would tell you a lot.

I followed instructions of you guys. I did ask him to write a letter to her so I could see what he would say in his own words. I feel that is important not ne telling him what to say. He will do it today when he gets home from work ill let you guys know how it turns out. We also agree to ask opinion of mc next week if he feels we should send it or let the silence and blocking her number be enough. Just want to see what he thinks but I realized what I think is most important in the end. I know it will make me feel better to hear what my husband really thinks in words written down. He does however keep telling me he just doesn't like confrontation what a load of bs right. I said I don't care what he likes its about me