Thank you to everyone who has responded, it is all very helpful!
I totally agree with those of you who said that grown adults in affairs find creative ways to get sex.
I don't know why I stated working in a kitchen as the reason they didn't have sex. I worked in a lab and I definitely know that people can get it on absolutely anywhere!
What I meant to say is I don't think they had sex but for more personal reasons that I know about my husband (confirmed by his sexual history and past partners). He is not sexually attracted to the people he gets feelings for. He can fantasise about sex but IRL he has trouble getting aroused especially if he has feelings for that person. He can still have sex if he wants to, it's just not front of mind for him. So sex is possible but doesn't really "do much" for him.
And I do believe that given the chance and space he needs to get things moving in that direction (and most of all if she had wanted to...) he could/would have made it physical.
So I have decided to consider it as if he had cheated physically as well in the way I am dealing with what happened (because even though he says it did not happen, how can I be sure?).
On the other hand one thing that has surprised me tremendously in this whole thing is how much the emotional connection hurts me more.
I always thought 100% that cheating physically is the worst possible thing ever, and had never really understood how emotional affairs could be as hurtful.
But knowing my husband developed a relationship in all other aspects with another woman is devastating for me, especially knowing how he values that over sex in relationships. It's like he gave or more truthfully tried to get what he cares about most in a relationship, but from another woman than me.
I also agree that it was more on his side than hers. I have read the few emails she wrote him (I sneaked into his computer and phone for the first time ever) and they are very PG13 though I still feel they are not appropriate for a married woman.
The way it looks is a totally blown up "crush" on his side, but to a devastating degree and way more of an emotional connection than should ever exist with another woman. He just drank her in and I believe he was in a fairytale with the attention she was giving him, he helped her out with a lot of stuff and sounds like he was playing prince-charming on a white horse.
It's terrible because at home he was being cold, mean and saying horrible stuff to me, he was just horrible to me on so many levels.
It's true that 2 weeks of "good beahavior" are nothing when compared to what happened and how long it all lasted, how much he hid, and to me it's the lying and hiding that are the most hurtful too. It just feels good after all the TT and lies, yelling, blaming, being downright mean with me.
I told him I cannot trust a friend that does that, that he is no longer my best friend (and clearly wasn't) and that anything we build is a new relationship, nothing from before counts to me anymore (I don't think he got to that point only just recently with this emotional affair, he had to have been "open" before that, he even says he felt like he had still been "searching" for his soulmate even though we were together!).
He has a LOT of work to do!
I am not making any major decisions right now, though I am open to R, if he does the work (and if the relationship still works for me!).
Someone asked what actions he has taken, here they are:
-Quit his job
-Looked for a new job and put some financial solutions into place to replace the lost income
-Found a new job and started this week
-Made a timeline of all his sexual relationships before me (I found out he had not been truthful)
-Got an STD test (because of the above)
-Blocked the OW from all his social media, deleted messages, didn't answer when she asked where he was as he left work abruptly
-Been truthful (over several weeks, after yelling and arguing etc, then "let go" and started being more direct 2 weeks ago): he answers every question, shared his thought process etc, showing remorse, said he is extremely grateful I am giving him a chance and does not expect me to stop asking questions or to trust him at any given time in the future, he says he will probably need to be repairing for at least the "next 75 years"
-Created some "rules" (not sure how to call them): for example that he will text me if he is alone with a female coworker, will not carpool with women from work, etc. I added some from the boards here: give me access at anytime to any of his electronic devices..
-is looking for rings online and wants to renew our vows (he has never wanted to wear wedding rings before)
-We now have sex every day, something I have always wanted, he is more of a 3-4 times a year guy
I am not saying he is a wonderful husband right now, not at all. We have gotten very close in the last few weeks and I am seeing him in a totally different way (not the "perfect" guy I thought he was, and some parts I hate like the lying and cheating, some parts I love, it's like he is starting to open up for the first time). But he is still in his own pain a lot, feeling bad about what he did and has a long way to go to become a compassionate human being who can totally be there for me.
I don't think I would tell the OW's husband as it stands right now, I think he was stupidly infatuated with a woman who gave and got attention from him. I think he had a very one-sided emotional affair and until I have any reason to be sure of anything else, I don't plan on contacting her or her husband.
Like I said for myself I will not have any of my decisions depend on believing 100% they did not have any physical contact (except all the "accidental" touching at work), but I won't bring someone else in unless I have a solid reason to believe it.
Unfortunately I am now sure that if had had an opportunity (and it takes certain conditions for him to be able to get it up, as he is not directly aroused by another person, even if everything works perfectly when it does), he would have done it. He was angry and blaming me about everything in his life, I think he hated me enough to justify cheating on me physically to be honest.
Please advise me, I am very intuitive and at the same time a scientist by training, so I overanalyse everything and I am pretty sure my posts are a bit long, descriptive and probably boring. If you can read through the lines and help me with any questions or advice, I want to move forward, I am open to R and don't want to be fooled again. I truly love him but I have been through a lot and want the best for myself and for both of us, and don't want to rush into anything.
Thanks again to everyone answering, it really means a lot and helps me get out of my own head, it's hellish in there right now!