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Completely confused and all over the place

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 10:52 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Thanks all. Time difference to the UK obviously means that my responses will be a bit out of whack.

I feel like I need to rephrase the situation a little bit.

I 100% know that she has been honest with me the whole time. She told me when he contacted her. She told me every time they were meeting up. She told me about what they spoke about, and that they enjoyed each others company but no more. And she told me when she developed feelings for him and didn't know what to do about it. I said she should check if he felt the same, he did and so then it was a discussion of what does she do? Either she goes behind my back and cheats on me (which neither of us wanted) or we are honest about the situation and she continues being honest with me. So that is where we are.

So although this is a situation I never expected to be in, I am generally OK with what is happening.

BUT the way I feel is I have the hurt, second best feeling of begin cheated on, but crucially without the deceit, the lies, the going behind my back.

Plenty of couples move on after being cheated on. Because she hasn't lied to me at any point I think it puts us in a stronger position that most to move forward.

So I guess some advice from people who were "properly" (for want of a better word) cheated on on how they dealt with the initial pain would be great, as I feel like my wife and I are in a stronger position already than those people were.

She has never done anything like this before, she knows how crazy it is to most of the world but we are unorthodox people and I feel like we can get through this. We both want to, anyway.

Hope that puts a better context on it all.

Oh and to the people wondering what the kids would think etc, there is no chance they would know. She is regularly away with work, and so can incorporate these meetups into that. So far it has been twice and I anticipate it will be once a month or so until it fizzles out.

I know there is an alternative that she falls for him but she assures me this is pure escapism, and I believe her. We have always gone for weekends away with mates, wild nights out with mates, etc. We have always allowed each other to do what we like without being jealous, and this is an extension of that.

An absolutely brutal, mind bending extension though! That is why I am reaching out for advice for coping. Apologies if this is the wrong forum for me but as I said my feelings of hurt will match a huge number of people on here, I am just doing my best to be realistic about the situation and not blow up almost 2 decades of good times and 2 childrens lives over feelings which I genuinely do think are simply human.

Thanks again for everyone who has read and responded. I am going to do some solo counselling to help me process my thoughts as well.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783746
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:20 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Have you communicated to her how you are feeling about all of this? If did, how did she respond? What is she doing to ease your pain and discomfort? You could both go to MC and find a healthy way to deal with it. Find MC who has great experience in dealing with poly relation couples. This could help you both.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8783748
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:26 AM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

You should both get regularly checked for STDs.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8783749
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:05 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

With few exceptions, everyone on this board is married or in serious relationships with expectations of monogamy. The mission of this site is to get people out of infidelity, whether that means divorce or reconciliation (meaning the marriage is rebuilt and monogamy reestablished).

If you’re looking for advice on how to navigate your struggles as part of a newly opened relationship or polyamorous "triad" than this probably isn’t the best place for you.

Please know that I’m not saying this to be hostile or unwelcoming; I’m just trying to help you set expectations for the advice you will receive and gage what exactly you’re looking for so we can give you the most appropriate feedback and advice.

I can tell you from personal experience with people who are non monogamous and my own reading on this subject is that it’s usually doom to a relationship when it is opened up unilaterally and solely on the terms of one partner who is already treating or has a prospective lover in mind.

So here’s an important question to ponder: What do you think your wife would do if you simply said, "No, this arrangement causes me pain. I didn’t agree to this when we got married and I want it to stop."

If you think she would leave you or that setting this boundary would destroy your marriage, then you’re not an equal partner in this relationship and you’re agreeing to these terms under duress.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8783753
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:43 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Please be prepared. What if the affair becomes more important than your marriage? Her honesty has hurt you unless we are mistaken. She has told you that sex with you is meh. Her sexual urges are for another man and you are having to live with that. Unless you are really open to sex with other women you will be at home as your wife lives as a single woman. You and she might be able to make this work but you are on your device looking for help which tells us you are in pain. That is not getting out of infidelity.
Please look after yourself. If this stress is unremitting it will take a toll on your health.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4202   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8783757
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

When you think about giving your endorsement of this situation, and her choosing to go to him in what is obviously a sexual relationship, how do you feel about the man staring back at you in the mirror?

A relationship should never be based on one partner setting themselves on fire in order to keep the other warm.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 661   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8783800
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 2:29 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Bluer Than Blue,

That is an important question and one I have already asked. The honest answer (and as I said honesty has been absolutely critical here) is that she would break it off, but very begrudgingly and it would only emphasize the current problems we have.

I should point out that my robotic nature over the last few years has very much contributed to this situation. I am not looking for sympathy, nor for people to say "Don't blame yourself", we are here now and it is like a nuclear bomb has gone off inside my brain.

I completely get the point that my situation is different to others on this forum, but I don't think we fit in the true poly model either. I am not sure that once this situation is resolved that she would want to do it again, it depends on how our relationship is.

Cooley - I do feel like she has found it meh because of the lack of attraction rather than the actual act. And after so long of course it isn't going to be as crazy as it used to be, but I kind of accepted that as a fact of life. I admit that I struggle with the idea that she will feel the same for me as she does for the other guy when (if?) it happens with us again but that is something I will try and deal with at the time.

Right now, I don't know what I want. Sorry to bother everyone but I can't tell anyone else about this (other than counsellors) so venting on an anonymous forum is helpful. So even if I don't get much sympathy, it is still cathartic to read your replies so I am deeply thankful anyway. I guess if anyone has been told the reason for the affair is due to lack of attraction then I definitely have common ground with them so knowing how you repaired your relationship from that point would help me.

Thanks again

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783801
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

farside - that is something that I struggle with. But at the same time am I really going to wreck my kids lives over something that is physical?

I don't know - I guess for most people it is as clear cut as that but for me it isn't.... when we decided to have kids they became my priority, and I am not sure that splitting up is the best option for our family.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783803
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:48 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Do you want your children to go through this pain in their relationships? This is the type of relationship you're showing them is ok.

Also, you should get tested for STDs as some of them can cause cancer.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3279   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8783806
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:49 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

edit; add (since we cross-posted):

That is an important question and one I have already asked. The honest answer (and as I said honesty has been absolutely critical here) is that she would break it off, but very begrudgingly and it would only emphasize the current problems we have.

So she is pretty much holding you hostage emotionally here and putting you in the position of choosing between being the villain who keeps Juliet from Romeo or Cyrano de Bergerac who helps facilitate the romance between the woman he loves and another man. Both stories end tragically.

Where were these problems with your marriage before she fell in love with someone else? By your description, you were perfectly happy and were always supportive of her before, so why wasn't she trying to work things out with you?

***

I just wanted to add something about dating other women, since other posters (and yourself) have mentioned it as a potential "solution." I understand the general idea behind it, but I disagree that it will solve all or even many of the problems you're experiencing, for the following reasons:

First, I've never encountered a problem in my life that became less complicated by adding more people to it. Every person you bring into your relationship has their own needs, expectations, desires, and personal flaws. The advantage of a monogamous relationship is that only 2 people need to negotiate with one another. Now you're trying to figure out how to incorporate a third person into your life. I don't see how adding a 4th will simplify matters.

Second, I think it's unfair use other people as a "salve" for a bruised ego, a diversion for the problems in your marriage, or to fulfill the emotional and sexual void you are experiencing because your wife has now focused her attachment and her passions for another man. Based on what you've written, you don't want another woman-- you want your wife. You're still deeply in love and deeply attracted to her; therefore, any woman you meet is going to pale in comparison with her. You can't satisfy a craving for steak with popcorn.

Third, generally speaking, unless you're among the top caliber of men in physical appearance who routinely get hit on whenever they're alone in public, it will be much more challenging for you to find a no-strings-attached (NSA) sexual relationship or part-time girlfriend. You will be what the polyamory community refers to as a "unicorn hunter," for reasons that are pretty self-explanatory. You will also be competing with hordes of both married and single men to capture this beautiful mythical creature who is fine with being someone's sidepiece.

Fourth, do you think you're up for dating in a climate that is vastly different than the one you experienced 15+ years ago? Do you have the time, money, and emotional bandwidth to take women out on dates, text and call them regularly, and make accommodations to your life and your schedule to spend time with them both in and out of bed?

Keep in mind that all of these resources (time, money, and emotional bandwith) that you would put into pursuing an extramarital relationship are finite and would thus be taken away (at least in part) from your marriage and your children. Your wife is OK making these sacrifices... but are you?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:01 PM, Friday, March 24th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8783807
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 2:56 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Bluer than Blue,

That is a really good response, thank you. I agree with everything you have said. At the same time, if we were to split up, then I would need to be investing the same energy while also having a broken family, negotiating with my wife about the kids etc.

But I do understand that this would be the more "normal" course of action...

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783810
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Just curious. Didn't Esther peral explain what husband should do in such situation?

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8783816
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

"Where were these problems with your marriage before she fell in love with someone else? By your description, you were perfectly happy and were always supportive of her before, so why wasn't she trying to work things out with you?"

Haven't got the hang of how to quote etc yet.

These problems were there, and I mentioned earlier I was too stupid to read the hints. In hindsight they were loud and clear, but I didn't read them. So she could have left me by now. I ignorantly just plodded on, and wasn't much of a husband. It is a shame it has taken this nuclear bomb to shake me to my senses, but it has which is why I am reluctant to go nuclear myself if that makes sense.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783817
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Ozzy, to be frank, your current family is already broken. Instead of fixing the problems in your marriage (assuming they existed previously and were not conveniently invented at the time she fell in love with OM), your wife gave her affection and her passion to another man and now you are suffering from pain, confusion, and betrayal.

The only difference between being divorced and being in your current situation is that you wouldn't model dysfunction to your children, you would be able to heal (since you won't have someone stabbing you in the back constantly), and you could find a committed relationship with a woman who loves you, desires you, and shares your values.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:15 PM, Friday, March 24th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8783822
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 3:25 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

You may well be right. Have read the Newbie thread several times though and don't want to rush this. D Day was one month ago today, and we have actually had some really good days since then (mostly bad admittedly but that is mostly due to things being so raw). I have set a date of sorts of 6 months in my head to see if things can improve between us and things to finish between them. If both of those things haven't happened then I don't really see how we can continue...

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783826
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Haven't got the hang of how to quote etc yet.

Copy what you want to quote and paste it into the message box. Highlight it then press the quote button above the message box.

I have set a date of sorts of 6 months in my head to see if things can improve between us and things to finish between them. If both of those things haven't happened then I don't really see how we can continue...

Be aware that while her affair is active the damage will not remain static, it will accrue.

Is your WW aware that your marriage is now on the clock?

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 607   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8783834
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:50 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Again..is he married,or does he have a girlfriend? Have you spoken to her? Is she OK with her husband having an affair?

Something it doesn't seem you've considered..what if he gets tired of sharing her with you? You've already said she has feelings for him. At some point,it's very possible she will fall completely in love with him. She may love you, but find herself IN love with him. He may tell her to make a choice. And it won't be you.

You seem ok with not fighting for her. You are allowing her to be another man's side piece. While,at first she may feel lucky to have a husband who is ok with it,eventually she may see it as you being ok with her being used by another man.

You also say you know the entire truth,because she's told you. That's not exactly true. She's told you what she wants you to know. If you think she doesn't have secrets,or things concerning this OM that she hasn't told you,you're in denial. If she has feelings for this man,she will feel protective of their relationship. It's not special if she broadcasts everything to someone else. Including you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:52 PM, Friday, March 24th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783836
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 4:17 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Again..is he married,or does he have a girlfriend? Have you spoken to her? Is she OK with her husband having an affair?

Something it doesn't seem you've considered..what if he gets tired of sharing her with you? You've already said she has feelings for him. At some point,it's very possible she will fall completely in love with him. She may love you, but find herself IN love with him. He may tell her to make a choice. And it won't be you.

You seem ok with not fighting for her. You are allowing her to be another man's side piece. While,at first she may feel lucky to have a husband who is ok with it,eventually she may see it as you being ok with her being used by another man.

You also say you know the entire truth,because she's told you. That's not exactly true. She's told you what she wants you to know. If you think she doesn't have secrets,or things concerning this OM that she hasn't told you,you're in denial. If she has feelings for this man,she will feel protective of their relationship. It's not special if she broadcasts everything to someone else. Including you.

Yes he is married. His wife doesn't know about it. I don't know him and don't know her. As far as I am concerned (and the stickied threads support this) he and his life are not my concern.

I have definitely considered that. My wife and him have also spoken to each other about that. Neither of them want that, they just want the escape. I know that could change but I doubt it, he doesn't want to take on children as his have grown up.

There is no point fighting at the moment, again everything I have read says that this isn't a competition, he is a fantasy figure which I couldn't compete with anyway. I need to focus on myself and healing my brain.

I know I can't convince someone on a forum, but I know EVERYTHING. Things that she can't understand why I would want to know, I have asked and she has been honest. To the point where there is no longer anything worth discussing anymore which ironically I think will now help us focus on our relationship. I told her some of the things that I assumed the other night to illustrate my mindset and her telling me what actually happened was cathartic (eg. they didn't end up going for dinner as they couldn't help themselves - there is no advantage to her of telling me that other than pure honesty)

I believe her that it is escapism. And as I said earlier that helps me to not actually have been betrayed / lied to. But the hurt that it is happening is still there. But I get why people won't understand doing things this way...

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783853
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LookWhatYouDid ( new member #78771) posted at 4:42 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Kindly, his wife’s health is at risk, and you became complicit in that the moment you found out. I know these are tough words to hear, but it was a difficult truth delivered to me after I experienced the joy of a dday and had moved forward for a period of time without informing the other betrayed. It isn’t a strategy or decision-point on what is best for you or your marriage, it is about kindness toward another human being.

posts: 32   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021
id 8783864
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:50 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

So you are an accomplice in the affair he is having with your wife.

When his wife catches him,and finds out you were an accomplice, don't be surprised by the backlash. Women tend to be very angry,rightfully so,when they find out everyone knew but her,and no one thought she deserved the truth,as a human being. The chances of her publicly outing your wife,and letting everyone know via social media, and private messaging are astronomical in situations like this. See, you've lost the ability to ask her to keep this quiet, while both of you work on your marriages. She will most likely make sure everyone knows what your wife has done.

You're in the wrong forum. You need to find a site that is ok with non ethic poly relationships. Because,even those is open marriages tend to frown on one spouse being in the dark. They're very big on consent. You want people here to be cool with you being on with your wife being the other woman in a marriage,while the wife is in the dark. Not one person here will be ok with that.

You say you're ok with it. But if that were true,you wouldn't be hurting.

This man is not some fantasy creature. He's a real man,having real sex with your wife. You're in very deep denial if you don't see that.

I wonder, how would you feel if you were in his wife's position. If you were the one in the dark,while your wife met another man and had sex, with the permission of his wife.

You're making the mistake of thinking his feelings for your wife are real. The truth is,the majority of married men don't care about the OW. Even those they have a history with. They're bored,and she's the new shiny toy. He's using her for ego kibble and sex. And you're ok with it.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:53 PM, Friday, March 24th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783868
Topic is Sleeping.
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