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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

General :
Completely confused and all over the place

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 4:52 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

All fair points.

Fair enough, I will look for another forum sad

Thanks for your responses though.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783870
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Perhaps don't look for a polyamorous forum, look for a hotwife forum. If you're ok with your wife having sex with other men that doesn't bother me. I would guess most people who enter into this arrangement have some degree of angst, fear etc. A board full of those people will better advise you.

I do have two concerns. The first is she is the affair partner for another man that is cheating on his wife. She will potentially ruin that marriage when the other wife finds out. Even if she never finds out, your wife is helping that guy betray his wife. And she's ok with that as long as she gets to screw someone new? And you're ok with that too?

You won't find much sympathy for that point of view here. Frankly, it's bullshit, selfish, deceitful etc.

My second problem is that you are ok with her being with another man instead of fixing your own marriage. She either wants
1) a permanent open marriage or
2) she is avoiding your marital problems in a very unhealthy way.

If it is 1, ok, but can she perhaps do it ethically with a single guy or another open marriage? And are you really ok with an open marriage or are you the most conflict avoidant person you know? And the third issue with it is that most open marriages that work start from a place of strength, not one that has problems already.

If it is 2, how is this going to help you? You are both avoiding the real issues and playing with fire.

I hope it works out for you but your chosen path seems fraught with poor strategy, much avoidance and risk too.

posts: 943   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8783874
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:02 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Hmm

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 5:12 PM, Friday, March 24th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8783876
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 5:06 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Feel like I want to try one more time.

I was reluctant to agree to this.

I think of my situation as my wife is having an affair, this other guy is having an affair. Just like thousands of other people on this site.

Only difference is I knew about it in advance, so I could start going through the healing process before it had even happened.

I see the point about the other woman but it that really my place to tell her? I know and you all know what my wife is doing it wrong, just as in the other thousands of cases on these forums.

Maybe I emphasised the "Open Relationship" element too much. I am only OK with it in that I am coming to terms with my alternatives, just in advance rather than licking my wounds after the event.

But I do agree with everyone's comments. The situation is a mess.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783878
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

At this point, this really looks like a troll.

I wish I was. Reading it back it sounds insane now sad

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783879
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 5:10 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Further to the troll comment, I really wish I wasn't spending a Friday afternoon on a forum about infidelity.

This is my situation, and I thought this was a place to get some comfort. All the FAQ sections made me feel like it would be a good place. Thanks to those who have shown some sort of support, but mostly people think I am an idiot.

Will call my counsellor again later

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783881
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:15 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Man..because it is insane.

Do you think every BS here wasn't afraid of divorce,or losing time with their kids? That we weren't afraid of losing our spouse? All of is get that. We are telling you your solution is insane. We understand why. But we also know what the end game looks like.

Waywards here..former waywards..have said the affair was like a drug. Just as dangerous and addictive. If your wife was addicted to heroin, would your solution be to buy her more heroin?

The only way through this shit is to stop being Mr Nice guy. She is taking full advantage. She made a commitment to you. If she wants out,she needs to leave. Close the bakery. You are not winning any points by being passive. The betrayed husbands here,who have had the most successful reconciliation, were not passive. They were desicive. They refused to share their wife. They refused to tolerate abuse. And that's what this is.

You should tell his wife. Without warning your wife,or she will warn him. I can promise the chance of him going NC with your wife,and working things out with his wife,are sky high. And your wife will be shaken out of her fog.

Stop watching you wife be disrespected by this OM..and herself.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783882
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:17 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

I don't think anyone thinks you're an idiot. More that we see a desperate, scrambling man, running head on off a cliff,and we are screaming at you to stop.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783883
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

I don't think anyone thinks you're an idiot. More that we see a desperate, scrambling man, running head on off a cliff,and we are screaming at you to stop.

Thanks, that is reassuring.

If I tell his wife, that is guaranteed to end my marriage and his at this point. I don't care about his, but I don't want mine ending.

Eurgh

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783885
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:28 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

If I tell his wife, that is guaranteed to end my marriage and his at this point. I don't care about his, but I don't want mine ending.

Eurgh

Why would this end your marriage? Are you saying your wife will leave you for stopping her from cake eating?

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8783886
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 5:35 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Why would this end your marriage? Are you saying your wife will leave you for stopping her from cake eating?

Because rightly or wrongly, I agreed to this, so I have to suck it up now.

Man that does sound pathetic written down.

It is almost time to knock off from work in the UK, I will need to deal with my kids etc.

You have all given me a lot to think about over the weekend and for that I thank you.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783887
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:41 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Forewarning you does not change the fact that your W is cheating. How can you start to heal while your W is still in her A? She's adding pain to your burden - and making R more difficult - every day.

And how can you tell us and yourself that you're OK with your W's cheating and that you want help resolving terrible feelings that go with betrayal?

Start with where you are - angry, grief-stricken, scared, ashamed over your W's comments to you and actions. What do you want? Do you really want to force yourself into being OK with feeling so awful? How does that help you live a life you want to live?

Most of us think that D is better than living in an 'open M' against one's will. I don't read the D/S forum very much, because I'm superstitious, but my sense is that the vast majority of SIers who D'ed think being alone is better than living with an unfaithful partner, especially one who is still cheating.

You're unhappy. Unfortunately, you have to take action to move toward happiness. What options have you considered? Do you realize you can live a good, satisfying, joyful life with or without your W?

What's keeping you from acting in your own best interests?

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29790   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8783891
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 5:49 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Hey, your wife also promised something the day she married you- Promise of fidelity. She should have sucked it up too,right?

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8783897
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 5:54 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Your wife is a manipulative selfish person that seems to recognize your vulnerability and is using it to absolve her of any guilt. She thinks it’s not cheating if she is not lying about it.

I hope you realize that you are being mentally abused here and more so her lovers wife. Your wife is riding the high of this dirty affair. She will never want to come back to base line with you. Your entire remaining marriage will be her seeking the thrill while you wait on the sidelines.
Not sure what you are saving here for the kids. A marriage with no respect. This is not even an open marriage, it’s your wife going on her own solo wild journey to fulfill her carnal desires.

I wish you the best. No human being deserves to be treated like this.

posts: 275   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8783899
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Ozzy, if you want to get out of infidelity (in whatever form that takes, be it divorce or reconciliation), then I hope you will come back and continue to post. Collectively, there are centuries of experience on this forum and a wealth of advice. Some of the advice you're going to get might come off as harsh, but it's all coming from a good place. We are trying to pull you off the tracks before you get pulverized by an oncoming train.

Your situation is insane, but sadly, it is far from unique. You will not be the first or the last person on this forum who has been force-fed nonmonogamy; for example, there is another thread on this front page by HurtHalo who was blindsided by his wife's request for a polyamorous marriage. It's worth reading from start to finish.

With regard to OM's wife, if your wife and her lover don't respect his marriage, then they don't respect yours, either. If they're comfortable sneaking around behind his wife's back, and lying to and keeping secrets from her, then they will do the same to you.

Lastly, I don't think your marriage was in dire straits before this affair... and if it were, I don't believe for a second that you were the primary cause. Perhaps I'm overgeneralizing, but a derelict husband and father doesn't typically react to the news that his wife has a boyfriend by reading Esther Perel, pouring his heart out to her, and taking inventory of all of his faults.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:18 PM, Friday, March 24th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1894   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8783902
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 6:22 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Ozzy, if you want to get out of infidelity (in whatever form that takes, be it divorce or reconciliation), then I hope you will come back and continue to post. Collectively, there are centuries of experience on this forum and a wealth of advice. Some of the advice you're going to get might come off as harsh, but it's all coming from a good place. We are trying to pull you off the tracks before you get pulverized by an oncoming train.

Your situation is insane, but sadly, it is far from unique. You will not be the first or the last person on this forum who has been force-fed nonmonogamy; for example, there is another thread on this front page by HurtHalo who was blindsided by his wife's request for a polyamorous marriage. It's worth reading from start to finish.

With regard to OM's wife, if your wife and her lover don't respect his marriage, then they don't respect yours, either. If they're comfortable sneaking around behind his wife's back, and lying to and keeping secrets from her, then they will do the same to you.

Lastly, I don't think your marriage was in dire straits before this affair... and if it were, I don't believe for a second that you were the primary cause. Perhaps I'm overgeneralizing, but a derelict husband and father doesn't typically react to the news that his wife has a boyfriend by reading Esther Perel, pouring his heart out to her, and taking inventory of all of his faults.

This is a really kind post, thank you.

I think part of the reason my mind is such a mess is that my wife tells me (and all her friends) that I am basically perfect. I think the only reason that she has gone off me physically is because I try too hard.

I will definitely keep this thread updated in what happens. Thanks so much

posts: 168   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8783908
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:26 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

So your wife will divorce you,if you tell his wife? She will divorce you for doing the right thing? She values her affair more than your marriage?

If any of that is true, you're clinging to a sinking ship.

You agreed? You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to have self respect. You're allowed to value yourself.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6626   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8783912
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bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 6:49 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Hi OP, so sorry that you are here. That you are here is proof something inside you feels something is wrong. I read your "explanation" and excuses. They are normal for a person in your position. It's the denial stage, all "betrayed" experience something like this. So be assured you are among yourselves. One of the first steps is to be honest with yourself, many struggle with this, some need longer, some fight it.
I get it that when you and your wife didn't start as a poly couple, you never discussed being with other people, having an open relationship. So you started like everyone else, you started with a more or less non verbal promise/agreement, like everyone else does, that you both are one 'unit' without the romantic interference of others. This is what's mostly considered as being in love, loving someone, being with someone who give you that feeling of being drawn to each other, having that unique feeling of being special and having someone special, so special that you have the more or less non-verbal agreement that only you two interact romantically with each other. It's a sacrifice, to forsake the opportunity of pursuing other attractive people and having sexual and emotional relations with them. A sacrifice you do willingly because youlove your partner and your partner "loves" you. Having a "love"-relationship also comes with obligations, mostly they are non-verbal, but everyone sort of feels them, that you take care of your relationship, help improve it, defend it against detrimental influence from the outside, that you take care of your partner, treat them with respect, love and trust and defend their health.
You have the feeling that your wife is honest with you but you don't know. But what kind of truth is she telling, her truth is worth nothing, because her truth violates everything what makes a relationship so special. Imagine a husband comes home to his pregnant wife, mother of two little daughters, and tells her honestly, that he reconnected with an old ex and he feels a connection and thinks he loves her. Can you imagine what his wife is going through? Yes you can, you are living it at the moment. She is in a precarious situation, just like you, she's in a vulnerable state, pregnant, mother of 2 children, her future unsure, thelove of her life unsure. So what does she do? I mean her husband ist honest, just like your wife, so he must love her, right? So she goes along with it, she has her reasons, so do you. But is she, are you really going along with it, or are you gaslighting yourself, because you feel you are in a vulnerable state, you might be co-dependent and suffering under low self-esteem, and the thought of suddenly not being loved anymore scares the fuck out of you, because that means you are not special anymore. So you decide to go along and tell yourself, she's "honest", at least. Are you sure? I mean in your "desperation" you enable her in destroying your relationship. Is this a quid pro quo for you, that you at least have to be with her?
You have to be honest with you, that's the key. Being here tells so much, despite your "reasoning", I'd call it gaslighting, you feel deep down that something is not right. If you were okay with your wife being poly, loving someone else, you wouldn't be here.
You helped your wife destroying a relationship, yours. She brought someone into your "UNIT", did not defend you and your relationship, and you went along because out of desperation.
That is my take on your story. It's your choice, your life, either you go along with it or you start getting "honest" with yourself.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8783920
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yellowledbetter ( member #70518) posted at 7:05 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

Ozzy,
With all due respect while you attempt to take some kind of high road in this situation of yours…his WIFE doesn’t know!!!! This guy is a LOSER. Yes, sorry, but he is…and when this tidy little secret blows up for the two of them(rather, the three of you), it will get ugly. You will have absolutely no control over what happens next.

I appreciate that you want to be ok with this in your life. That’s fine and dandy as it is your life afterall. But there are other people to consider. His wife and children, while not being privy to this situation your wife is engaging in with their husband/father, are the ones who will suffer the most. And you can bet your ass your kids will find out.

Again, do what you want with your life, but shame on your wife (and you) for your parts in traumatizing innocent people.

I can’t even….

Me: BW 52, WH 55, LTA, AP 20 yrs younger. Married 33 yrs, together for 36
3 adult children
DDay Dec19/2018
Attempting Reconciliation….still.

~where there is deep grief, there was great love.

posts: 143   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8783926
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 7:17 PM on Friday, March 24th, 2023

It sounds like you are now digging deeper into what is really happening inside your own mind and heart about this... that is excellent. Your wife has bullied you into this in some ways but you have also perhaps been your own second worst enemy with assumptions you are making.

But the good news is you are starting to test those assumptions and see if they are real or just in your mind. Here are a few that jump out at me:

I agreed to this so now I have to live with it. Really? No one ever makes a bad judgement that they can't reverse course on?

And of course test your assumptions on what it really means to be a confident man and partner. Are you being "modern, unorthodox and flexible" or are you being a "conflict avoidant doormat who is being bullied by his wife's sex drive and perhaps her emerging limerence/love for another man?"

My marriage will fall apart if I don't let her do this. Instead of working on your relationship by actually working on the two of you instead of her jumping in bed with someone else.


As far as telling the other woman, why not start by confronting your wife from the angle that she is nothing more than an affair partner and she may be contributing to the destruction of another marriage. No one ever thinks their spouse will find out. But they often do and this site is proof of it. Or at the very least, your wife is helping a guy betray his vows to his wife. Selfish, destructive, unethical. Does she see herself that way?

Last, a book recommendation for a book I have never read, which I admit is a bit ridiculous lol. But I have seen people recommend "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and also seen people who have read it say, wow, that's me. There might be something in there that will help you see some patterns in how you behave.

posts: 943   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8783928
Topic is Sleeping.
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