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My wife and I have been planning our retirement together from my career of 40 years since May 2022, and finally settled on a 7/1/23 retirement date. Can you imagine how happy we are! We can travel whenever and wherever we want, visit our grown children and the grandchildren, keep and watch the grandchildren at our home, and, who knows what else. I have began taking more time off from work because I have vacation time to use, and, just to be with her at her appointments and other things.That was, until 1/18/23! My wife, totally out of the blue, says, "She’s had an affair", with a coworker, 20 years ago!! Why did she admit to the affair now?Because, she says, "She has been tormenting herself about the secret for all those years". She couldn’t keep it secret anymore. Why didn’t she admit the affair then?Because, she says, "She didn’t want me to divorce her".Why did you even have the affair? Because, she says "She couldn’t get sex from me". I’m not going to write about my intense and extreme emotions. You can just imagine what I’m going through!!!! And, I’m going to try to write just the pertinent information about the admitted affair, and, btw, there’s been an admission of a 2nd affair, which she did not disclose at the same time as the 1st affair. Who knows what she’ll admit to next! She, just like every cheater, lies, lies and then lies more, changes her story all the time, always putting blame elsewhere, mostly me and so on, even 20 years later. Bizarre.Honestly, there’s a whole lot of stuff that I still don’t believe. And more information that will probably never be disclosed, because, since "She didn’t think that I would become so angry about her affairs", mainly because "they were so long ago", which , btw, she totally miscalculated how I would feel. She now wishes she would have taken all this stuff to her grave!!She has been very honest, answering nearly all the questions I’m asking, but is it good to continue asking about her affairs? Should I continue to drill down to the deepest truths, even though its been 20 years ago. Some of her answers are like another stab in my heart, reopening a previous stab wound. I’m trying to be as accurate as I can, but, the way my mind races and thinks negatively about her everyday now, there is no telling what I might write . Here goes;

She got a job as a housekeeper, at a retirement facility, where the tenants are self sufficient. Her coworker AP was the maintenance guy for the building. Right out of the gate, he let it be known that he was very attracted to her. She even admitted to me that she too was attracted to him. Everywhere she went, there he was. That’s how it got started. Long story short, any vacant room within the building was game for performing sex, during working hours!!! How long did the 1st affair last?The best estimate, that we both could come to agree on was at least a year! That a lot of sex they had together. She said the affair ended when he quit his job. She said it took her two months to get over him. She missed him, she was sad he quit.

She quit that job , and about 6 months later, got a job as a housekeeper, at a hotel. You guessed it, another affair, the same exact thing happened. Her new AP was the maintenance guy for the hotel. No way!!! I asked her how such a coincidence could happen like this, she said "It wasn’t a coincidence"!! He was attracted to her the same way, right out of the gate , just like the 1st AP was. Need a vacant room to have sex in. No problem, there are many vacant rooms at a hotel. You gotta to have a plan first though, depending on what floor the room is on , because of the cameras, and, not to mention the employees that have already gotten caught, and fired because of the cameras. That’s not a problem either when you got a maintenance guy that makes all the plans. He knows exactly where to go. "For the room I chose for us today ", he would explain, and , not get caught, is "you gotta use this elevator first. Go to the 4th floor, walk past the camera, make sure you’re seen on that camera, use another set of elevators to go back to the 2nd floor and there you go. "I’ll go first. Give me 15 minutes then you go. I’ll get things ready, we’ll have sex , and then we’ll get back to work! The best estimate, that we both could come to agree on for this affair was 2 years, 3 months!! That’s a lot of sex they had together. She said the affair ended when she quit her job. She has not said how long it took her to get over the 2nd AP. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that the affairs ended so abruptly, but, according to her, she or the AP’s didn’t know where each other lived, they did not exchange phone numbers, no dining out , nothing. She only knew that they did not like having sex with their girlfriends and they knew she was married. She admitted that it was very easy to have the affairs at her jobs, everything you need is there. Pretty much like, well, being at home!! I got some more disturbing information from her this last weekend. She reminded me that our son began working at the hotel kitchen the same time she started the her job. One day, according to her, while she was in the laundry room putting her belongings into her locker, the pre AP spanked her butt, in front of my son. My son noticed that, and told her to watch out because he is flirting with her. She says to him, "No he’s not", and , another day when she was at our home with a friend of hers, she apparently was telling her friend about her affair, and my son accidentally overheard the conversation. Immediately, she asked him not to tell me about the affair, and, he never did. Now I have a collusion admission on my hands. I will never discuss this with him ever. She put him into a bad spot that day when he was only 18. So, for 3 years & 3 months, 1185 days total, beginning February 2004 & ending October 2009, she would go to work, have unprotected sex, and, have the nerve to come home and completely act as if everything is normal. Can you imagine that, anytime her and I had sex during the affairs, that her & the AP could have had sex that same day as well. Think about that for awhile.

FTLOG, she could have gotten pregnant, or given me an STD.

This is such a bizarre situation for me. My therapist talks about it as if she was "In a fantasy world". No way, right?On one hand , I’m like, there is no way I can accept this! I don’t care how long ago it was. This situation is only 2 months old for me. She’s had 20 years to think about the years & months that she was having her affairs, and, she is asking, begging me to forgive her for what she has done, and on and on so that we can just move on and enjoy the rest of our lives together, in retirement.Just for the record, this whole thing is beating her down too, I can see it in her eyes and face. On the other hand, I’m like, we’ve been married for 40 years. How can you literally throw away 40 years of your life with a person. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out who she is now, again. How could she have done this to me, and act as if she made a mistake and she regrets it. This is day 68 of the admissions, and this is all I think about everyday, everywhere. All day at work , I have to put on a happy retirement face, not to mention that I’m having to do this all on my own, nobody to talk to, except the therapist, but for only 3 more sessions , no friends, and, do not even want my kids to be involved. This is very hard for me to write, trying not to call her names, not being very nasty, all the thoughts of what else she has could’ve done, and , at the same time, reminding myself that she is innocent until proven guilty, or, if, when she admits to more affairs. Anyway, I realize that this will now haunt me for the rest of my life. I have many decisions to consider and decide upon, and, I will, I have no choice, and, I will not set a time limit for making my final decisions.I have been dealt a very bad hand. Should I fold or reach for another card?Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation as bazar as this? What were your final decisions?What were your final outcomes?Obviously, there is much more information that needs to be disclosed to help understand these infidelities. If anyone has a question, or, any successfully proven advice that may help me find the remaining pieces of this puzzle, please ask. For the record, I feel very strongly that leaving her now would damage way too many people in our lives. And we don’t have much more time on this earth, therefore I must get over this quickly so that we can enjoy the rest of our lives, just like we’ve been planning, however, it’s going to be very difficult for me in the short term.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:10 AM, Saturday, April 8th]

[This message edited by mdgoforth04 at 11:16 AM, Saturday, April 8th]

Sorry you are here. BS need to take a page from the WS and be a lil more selfish. Concentrate on what you want. What you see is your best path going forward. Is you future better if you attempt to stay with your wayward or if you cut your loses and move on. Everyone else will be better off if you are living authentically than if you try and suppress how you feel for their benefit.

I wish I had something positive to say about this but I don’t.
Could your wife have some form of Bipolar illness? On the other hand could she have something like Borderline Personality Disorder?
These years were when her estrogen tanked so her small amount of testosterone took over and she went all out in bad behavior. That is not to say every man can’t help himself because he is controlled by it. Actually you can have urges and not act on them if you have strong boundaries. Obviously she didn’t.
Why she chose this time of your life to dump this mess on you makes no sense.
I have no advice. You have been married a long time and lots of strings attached.
I think making your son keep that secret is worse than the cheating.
All I can do is to suggest you make sure this does not affect your health. Stress can be a killer. Stay hydrated, eat healthy, get plenty of sleep. If you need help sleeping see a dr. Also if you feel anxiety and depression get help. You need to focus on staying healthy. Whatever decision you make you still have a lot of life to live.

There is a whole series of like posts on the I can relate forum. We see these kind of posts a lot on JFO.

Some people suck it up and others don’t. Just know that the notion that you are going to get over this right away and enjoy the rest of your lives is a fantasy.

Finally, your wife must be a real idiot to think that dropping this a bomb would be easier since her As were so long ago. Be assured that she will soon start getting annoyed with you wanting to know why you haven’t gotten over it. And she has graphically told you she loved every minute of her sexcapes to the point of grieving her exes. A real prize you got there!

She also drove a wedge between you and your son that cannot be forgotten.

So now, she has gotten this off her chest and caused you immense pain. Even if you choose not to divorce there is no law that says you have to live in the same house with such a moron.

I'm sorry this has been dropped on what should be a very exciting time in your life. She needs to be there for you with no defensiveness or expecting you to get over it. You need to process this and it starts with having the truth, she needs to provide all the details you require. She has taken 20 years from you, you don't just move on. She needs to be willing to go through this with you, or she is not very remorseful and its time to take action.

Best Wishes to you.

Really sorry you are here. This is one really messed up situation. I can only imagine how hard it must be to find out about the affairs years later.

Someone has already mentioned that in the I Can Relate forum here on Surviving Infidelity there are conversations for those who found out years later. Here is the link.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/

You will probably find some useful advice there.

It is a damn shame now that you know your son was aware of what she was doing. It will forever taint your relationship with him.

I am guessing you might be in your late 50's or early 60's. Unless you already are in poor health or have health issues, you have many years ahead of you. Please make them count.

I saw that you removed your post shortly after you entered it. I hope that you come back for advice, or at least, read other people's stories and posts on this site. There is so much information that will resonate with how you are feeling, and what you are going through.

It is uncanny/ridiculous how many stories have a similar script when it comes to cheating. Why they chose to do so; how they initially react; how WE initially react. So many similar patterns and behaviors.

I agree with grubs in that you need to ask yourself what you want....barring a time machine. Whether you like it or not, you need to be a little bit selfish in asking yourself these questions. If reconciliation is what you choose, you then need to see if she is a good candidate. I will tell you, from your one post, she is still selfish in her ways. The ones that stand out are:

--She is begging you for forgiveness. That is for HER, not for you. Remember--REGRET is about one's own pain; REMORSE is about the pain they caused someone else.
--Her confession many years later, by her own admission, was HER guilt...not the concern of your agency or pain. The "please let's just move past this" is her way of not facing YOUR pain.
--I can't stress how damaging it was(as I'm sure you understand) to put your son in that position. It's horrible enough to do what they did to us, but to involve your own child, and make them 'complicit' is another level. How much has that affected him in his early adult years? Again---it was ALL about self-preservation for her.

The fact(?) that she hasn't cheated in the last 20 years means nothing. If anything, it shows just how long she can keep a horrible secret. A secret that was 100% self-serving. Her infidelities may have happened decades ago, but her wayward thinking is still is just as fresh today as your new discoveries. Time hasn't helped her 'heal'; it has been an infection that is only now exposed and needs to be treated. She has a LOT of work to do. Is she up to it?

MD, your story was both hard to read, and so very typical. See it all the time here. You’ve been heard, friend.

How can you literally throw away 40 years of your life with a person.

You can’t throw away the past. It just is. What you can do is throw away the future. Your future.

I bet your son would understand if you split. Telling him you know might take a HUGE burden that he is carrying around, preserving your wife’s secret, and may well allow him to finally drop that burden. So, you should tell your son that you know, and you should forgive him for not telling you, if he was torn by it.

Agree with jb1399 that she hasn’t really truly considered your pain yet, that she just unloaded her pain. Solved her problem. She may well regret telling you now.

You are going to obsess about the past. It is inevitable. But as soon as you can, shift your focus to the future. In looking to the future, the details of the past don’t matter. You already know enough.

You don’t have to make a single decision about the future. Every day you wake up, you get to decide anew. Be patient, be selfish.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 6:03 PM, Saturday, April 8th]

Sorry that you ate here. Please go into more depth about the excuse your WW gave for her As - that she was not getting sex from you.

Yeah, I hope you're being honest to yourself. You know that your "wife" is extremely selfish, she just used you for her convenience and retirement-plans. Now it's up to you how you plan to live your life.

I can only imagine how devastating this time has been for you. Looking back, wondering what was the truth and what were the lies. The good news is that you get to choose which way to go from here. Will it be worse to stay with the woman who emotionally and physically abused you without your knowledge for all that time or to go it alone?

Do you still feel like best friends (although with a broken trust) or do you look at her and feel only disgust?

Only you can answer those questions. There are no right or wrong answers. Only what is best for you.

She did give you something, however. She gave you the gift of knowledge. You now have free will to determine which direction your life will go. I hope that whatever you decide that you can remember that our lives are gifts, and that we should find ways to live our lives which bring us joy and satisfaction. Live for yourself, not worrying about the judgments of others.

I am sorry you find yourself in this devastating situation. The years of cheating is horrific. Your wife not realizing how devastating this would be to you is equally horrific. By all means take as much time as you need in order to make a clear headed decision. Don't think about it as throwing away 40 years. Your only concern is what will bring you the most happiness going forward. That should be your goal. It usually takes much longer to heal when you stay with the cheater. Think years.

There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. 68 days ago was your D-Day and it’s just as shocking, gruesome and agonizing as if you discovered a fresh affair in-progress, if not more so- probably more so.

The revelation that your past 40 years was not exactly what you thought it was, your wife not exactly who you thought she was on the eve of the Golden Years, that you both have been dreaming of almost the entirety of your marriage…

If only she would have come forward 20 years ago, this might have been behind you, one way or the other, by now.

My WW’s affair was on the Eve of my retirement as well. We would often take long romantic walks, hand-in-hand, talking, dreaming, mutually fantasizing about our upcoming retirement life involving travel, romance, reconnection after our long moil of work and child rearing and then, D-Day…

It makes you question every aspect of your last 40 years.

You can reconcile, but she has to be all in, do the heavy lifting and it will take 2-5 years before you begin feeling "normal" again.

Or, you can divorce and begin an entirely new chapter, perhaps a new relationship.

You should take your time and let all this flow through you. At some point you’ll be in a position to make definitive, better informed and more thought out decisions. Don’t rush it.

It might be a good idea to speak to an attorney and see what divorce looks like, the division of retirement assets.

I’d also resist committing to R or D until you’ve done your due diligence:

-Request the best detailed timeline she can provide.

-Ensure there are no ongoing affairs or contact with APs.

-Ensure you’ve got your arms around as much of the truth, the whole story you can to make informed decisions.

-Request full transparency. Have her turn over any remaining affair related correspondence.

-IC for the both of you.

-Suggested reading for the both of you.

-Rally your personal close support network.

It would be interesting to know why she waited until just now to confess. She lived with this for 20 years. She was home free. Why did her conscience compel her, overwhelm her just now, taking a whole 20 years to "eat her up"? Did someone compel her?

Don’t worry too much about disappointing the "kids". I wouldn’t be surprised if they were already way ahead of you. All that my kids wanted was, for both of us to be genuinely happy with whatever outcome.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:36 AM, Sunday, April 9th]

Hey MD,
Well that is just a kick to the heart, on the eave of retirement life WW has the balls to throw you into this shit storm.
The strongest advice is to think 🤔. To do this legal advice, financial advice and medical advice.
Legally how will D affect you physically and financially? Her responsibilities as well as yours.
Financially what will it look like if you separate and D or remain together? Medically what total will this shit storm have on you?
As advised you just can’t get over it and live happily ever after. It may be a three year tryst that happened 20 years ago with the knowledge of your son. But to you the betrayal was 68 days ago. With the added knife of collusion as your son took his mum’s side. Also WW told friends, these friends are not friends of the marriage as they are supporters of infidelity. Tell their spouses of their actions as if they knew they also could have participated in their own. You also have to have the talk with your son. Telling him that his mum’s actions are not a healthy relationship. Mum knowingly actively cheated , how is that healthy to knowingly cheat on their partner because they felt an attraction.
I am sue she has told you that they were a distraction, bad in bed, shit kissers etc. Well why didn’t she leave? I fell and not kicking you while you are down. You were her fall back guy, pay the bills, provide her with money and comfort.
Good luck but tell her you are seriously looking at separation and D because she is a selfish attention seeking validation chasing person. There are consequences to her actions.
One day at a time

Your story is disturbing on so many levels. I am a BH who was married to a serial cheater. The divorce was decades ago. Divorce seems to be off the table for you so there isn't a hell of a lot of advice one can give you. Get yourself in as good of physical shape as possible. Do whatever makes you happy at this point in your life. I would not feel I owed my WS one iota of anything. You owe your wife no fidelity in my opinion. So, if you want a girlfriend or simply some other female company, so be it. If you don't want to go that route, that is fine also. Can you forgive her? How? I wouldn't do so but that is me. She took away all agency from you by keeping her escapades secret for so many years then dumping this crap in your lap in order to ease her conscience at a time when she knew your options would be limited. She knows divorce at this point in your marriage would be extremely difficult. I'd be hopping mad as hell. BTW, why should you believe there have been only two affairs? I wouldn't believe it. DNA your children. Polygraph her if you are truly curious, but why bother? I'd bet the farm there have been others.

Maybe a just solution would be that you be granted a one-sided open marriage until death do the two of you part. I probably am breaking a rule on this forum by suggesting such a blasphemous arrangement, but, hell, this story just reeks. You have been served a monstrous shit sandwich that you will be forced to eat and somehow digest. She deserves a similar delicacy she can munch on for the rest of your time together.

Concur with SRC’s comments above 👆
One day at a time.

In the I Can Relate Forum there is a thread specifically for folks who found out years later, maybe you have already found it. I think you would find it surprising how many folks heard after decades like you. I found out on the earlier side - after 7 years. There are some commonalities to the experience after you get through the intense trauma grieving period you are in right now. In general this group is older and share your ambivalence about making some massive change this late in life. You’re sense of reality has been completely shattered and all your memories jumbled. In many cases (mine included) the spouse seems not to have repeated the transgression/transgressions for a significant period of time. Assuming you believe your partner now…which in some ways you will (because they chose to come clean) and in some ways you wont (because they suddenly seem like the King/Queen of all liars). My husband has been pretty great to me in the intervening years so when he came clean 8 months ago it was like he had already obtained a get out of jail free card for good behavior. But obviously all the lying was very much NOT good behavior. So it messes with your mind. My husband was just as oblivious as your wife about the fact that this news would create a nuclear explosion in our lives. My husband repeatedly wanted some sort of credit for good behavior for the last 7 years and it took a while for him to realize he wouldn’t get credit for adding years of lying on top of the original sin of cheating. The fog of the affair/s is long gone but whatever crazy justifications they created in their heads for what they’ve done have become cemented over years so challenging them on the distortions is tedious. Everyone on the found out later thread seems to have even greater problems with getting the truth than you get in a normal cheating scenario. Memory loss is real but obviously sometimes they are just lying and pretending to not remember. The good thing about your wife’s story being so shitty is that maybe you have gotten most of the truth. It sounds like it was mostly sexual which for me would be a consolation, but it seems like for most men it is NOT a consolation. It seems like there are a lot of men on the « found out years later » thread. It makes sense to me because I think women are better liars and better at not getting caught so they have the chance to hide their affairs for years. There also seems to be a theme of these affairs being intended to end, they end and its over. That’s probably why they don’t caught and allows them to keep the secret for years. It seems as if everyone on that thread feels intense ambivalence about what the hell they are supposed to do with this suddenly revealed piece of information. Like WTF??? Anyway, wish you the very best. My husband gave me the big reveal last summer (2022). I am finally turning a corner in my healing and feeling much better. What this is all supposed to mean for our relationship I have no idea. I am leaving that open ended. Things started to get better when I demanded more from my husband, more truth, more time supporting me, more attention to dropping his defensive tone, etc. I found it hard to be tough on him because our marriage has been quite good in recent years. But, cutting him slack was the worst move ever. It stalled any healing. Once I got tough on him things started to get better. Hugs

I started to write a long post, but reality blows expressed what I was thinking perfectly already.

I respectfully disagree with SRC. I feel like your wife dumped a huge pile of steaming excrement on your marriage. You have to either clear it away together (as unfair as that is), or walk away from the pile. SRC’s plan feels like living in the pile—adding to it, even—and trying to distract yourself from the fact that it stinks.

You can still leave. Even at this stage you have many good years of life ahead of you. It will take time to heal, and all your plans will have to be refigured, but it is absolutely possible.

Or, if your wife is fully committed and you have it in you, you can reconcile. It will likely take 2-5 years of hard work and pain and healing to get there, but it’s possible.

It will likely take you a while to figure out what you want, and whether or not you’re in a place where you can try for reconciliation. This is likely to dominate your thoughts for at least another year. Accept that. Let the pain pass through you and don’t pressure yourself to get over it or get past it. Pushing the emotions away doesn’t work; you have to process all of them.

Take care of yourself. Get in the best physical shape you can and find small things that you enjoy or that make you happy and do them. At some point, read Steven Stosny’s Living and Loving after Betrayal. It will help center you amidst the storm you are navigating.

You’ve been handed something truly terrible and unfair and desperately painful and devastating, but you will get through this.

I always have a problem when someone allegedly "regrets" the affair, especially when it was a long-term affair or even several affairs. I doubt she regrated the sex, and in all this time with you she did look/think back and day dreamed about it. I do not buy the remorse.

And what your wife did to your son…Jesus!

For the records: you will not get over this quickly.

Hello friend, I'm sorry you've found yourself here.

From your post, it sounds like you have already considered many of the early checklist items that are discussed on this forum. I would add, as to STD's, that it would be prudent for both you and your WW to get tested for STD's now. Some can remain latent for many year. Plus, this sort of step is a reminder to her of how deadly serious this is.

As you have already figured out, for a spouse who has just learned of long-ago cheating, it feels as if the cheating just happened. That is legitimate. If your WW has an ounce of empathy, she will realize this and will step up the urgency of her response accordingly. It sounds, though, as if she hasn't.

I would urge you to at least be genuine and brutally honest with her. Give voice to your anger (short of physical violence). Utter the pejoratives you are thinking. If you want to keep open the possibility that your marriage has a chance of actual reconciliation (as opposed to just stiff-upper-lipping it and stubbornly remaining married), transparent, brutally honest, genuine expression of emotion by the BH is a necessary element.

Two things that she absolutely cannot be allowed to get away with:

1. "Get over it". This statement, more than any other, is anathema to reconciliation. It is in fact a true sign of lack of remorse. She needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald (you should read it too). Even in the best of circumstances, it will be years before your emotions achieve any sort of stasis, and this reality of the cheating will be a permanent plus one in the marriage so long as you remain married.

2. The "M word". "Mistake". She did not make a mistake. A mistake is using baking soda when you meant to use baking powder, or leaving your keys in your car in a public place. She did not, for example, think she was using a feminine product but discovered it was in fact another man's dick inside of her. What she did was to decide, and to choose, and to lie. Given the scope and magnitude of the cheating, she made thousands of decisions and choices. She told you thousands of lies by both omission and commission.

My own betrayal was revealed in real time. I don't have a lived experience of "found out years later". However, my observation about these types of threads is that, in addition to all of the normal trauma and humiliation associated with discovering the betrayal, there is the cognitive dissonance of re-thinking all of the intervening years of the marriage. This has two aspects. One is the aspect you have noted, where the wound is fresh to you, while your WW has had (assuming no intervening cheating) decades to come to grips with the magnitude of what she has done.

By the way, to that end, I'm curious as to the way she seemed to assume this would be a "nothing-burger" for you. That, coupled with the "can't you just get over it" statements, to me smack of a person with a profound lack of empathy. Empathy, more than any other thing, is the one trait a WW must have if R is to have any chance of succeeding.

The second is whether the intervening years have been good marriage years in your subjective view. Did your WW have private remorse for her cheating and, in response, throw herself into the process of being the best wife a man could ask for? She says she cheated because she wanted more sex. You were in the same marriage, but didn't seek extracurricular sex. If she really wanted more sex, one solution would have been to sex it up more with her husband.

Frankly, I don't believe it was "more sex" that she wanted. Rather, she wanted a secret, one-sided open marriage. What you describe is classic cake-eater behavior, selfish and narcissistic as any I've read. She promised you a lifetime of fidelity, but felt free to secretly change her mind, just because she wanted to.

What has she done in the intervening years to make up for this? If the answer is "nothing", which I suspect from your post, then there is that. She had her fun, didn't regret it, and moved on.

What has she said about that?

She’s had 20 years to think about the years & months that she was having her affairs, and, she is asking, begging me to forgive her for what she has done, and on and on so that we can just move on and enjoy the rest of our lives together, in retirement.

It is possible to forgive her, and also to leave the relationship. Forgiveness is mostly the act of deciding you do not want revenge or such.

Just for the record, this whole thing is beating her down too, I can see it in her eyes and face.

What you describe about her sounds like regret, not remorse. I'd urge you to read about the distinction. Regret is inwardly focused, selfish: I feel so badly as a result of being in this situation that I created. Remorse is grounded in empathy. It is outwardly focused. Selfless: How can I help you heal?

On the other hand, I’m like, we’ve been married for 40 years. How can you literally throw away 40 years of your life with a person.

I'd urge you to read about the Sunk Cost Fallacy. I do realize that finances and retirement must come into play, but there are many ways around that, such as divorcing but cohabiting as roommates in the same home.

Honestly, I’m trying to figure out who she is now, again. How could she have done this to me, and act as if she made a mistake and she regrets it. This is day 68 of the admissions, and this is all I think about everyday, everywhere. All day at work

That is 100% normal. Keep in mind that, if you stay married, the cheating will be a permanent plus one in your marriage. Forever. Is your wife a long-distance runner? Can she show you empathy for 10 years, or 20, unflagging, notwithstanding the pain and recrimination she will see in your eyes every time you look at her?

I have to put on a happy retirement face, not to mention that I’m having to do this all on my own, nobody to talk to, except the therapist, but for only 3 more sessions , no friends, and, do not even want my kids to be involved.

Please don't bear this alone. Among other things, tell your adult son that you have learned about the cheating, you know what he saw, and you forgive him and love him even though he didn't speak up. As you said, what is a kid his age to do in that circumstance. He was a deer in the headlights.

This is very hard for me to write, trying not to call her names, not being very nasty

Genuine, transparent, honest expression of true emotion is the only way through. Every BH feels anger. Every BH has a mouthful of pejoratives he wants to shout in his WW's face. Do it. Let it out. Don't bottle it up.

all the thoughts of what else she has could’ve done, and , at the same time, reminding myself that she is innocent until proven guilty, or, if, when she admits to more affairs.

"Innocent until proven guilty" is a procedural framework that applies only in American criminal law. It is a very high threshold, defined this way because we believe that the state should not have unfettered ability to deprive citizens of liberty.

That standard does not apply, at all, in civil disputes. Most states have no-fault divorce statutes. The only thing you must prove is "I no longer wish to be married".

It is natural that your imagination runs wild in this circumstance. It is fair to tell your WW: "I don't believe you are telling me the full truth." You don't need "proof" for this. The heart believes what it believes. In this case, the burden falls on her to convince you she is telling the full truth. As you will see in the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal", one common tool is a detailed written timeline.

By the way, during her affairs, did you want more sex but weren't getting it?

Since her affairs, have you felt you wanted more sex but haven't been getting it?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 6:33 PM, Sunday, April 9th]