MH, H had series of escapist EA's and one final EA/spiritual affair with a close friend. I had EA/PA with MCOW.
Not really sure whether this should be in WS forum, but I don't see myself as a WS any more- more fWS. 3 years of IC (going on 4), medications, MC, nearly D (told H when he was abusive in his rage, IC or D, I have papers and can file- he chose IC... for a short while). Did a lot of work on myself and our relationship.
So, for various reasons, we're really struggling right now. I'm a bit exhausted from it to really go into detail right now. I guess what I could use help sorting out is whether I'm a failure as a WS if my H decided to D. Like, is all the work I did put in not enough? Am I still the crappy person who cheated? Or is this a case of H not being able to reconcile despite our best efforts?
It sucks. We can have great times that feel like "dates" and then go back to roommates. Every time I go into work or have a work day trip (one overnight coming up), H is enormously triggered. Those who know my story know I changed job roles and campuses (OEM w/ multiple job sites) after the A and have been NC with AP. I discussed with a few lawyers a sexual harassment complaint (no grounds due to different places in org). I put in several complaints of hostile workplace over AP becoming belligerent in the hall (at prior campus before move) after H told OBS. AP moved campuses to mine, HR didn't tell me (like they promised they would) and I ran into him in the hall. Had a panic attack, called HR and reamed them out... to no avail. Told H that same night. Haven't left job as I'm 80-90% WFH (even though we're supposed to be back in office), love what I'm doing (I'm aspie and it's my "special interest"), and am paid very well for it. I have also figured out where AP's area is in my building and take paths to avoid it. So far we haven't run into each other.
I do want to add that the job security is extremely important to me due to H's financial abuse during the long course of our M. He even said this morning that the only happiness he had in our M those years (and even now) came from being able to indulge himself materially. So, thinking about that, makes me feel even worse... like a cash cow. Fun.
I can empathize though- I had untreated post partum depression for years that made me exhausting to be around. Didn't help that the joint MC that I begged for over the years and years and years during that time were denied me as, once my PPD was diagnosed after 3 MC sessions, "I was the problem, not him." I was left to fix it alone. My counselor was not versed in treating PPD, we didn't have mental health coverage, I was at home with the kids and we were getting foreclosure and tax auction notices... so I only got 3mos Zoloft at a MINIMUM dose and was deemed "treated" and sent on my way. Yah, nope, not enough. But it was my problem, I was the problem and that was the shit sandwich I got to dine alone on for years.
All this to say... the thing wearing on my H is that I still work for the same OEM. I call and text him regularly during business trips and days on campus, tell him details about my day and who I talked to and overall have built and kept excellent boundaries with my coworkers. All of which he acknowledges. Still, there's the knife in his gut that I firmly planted and twisted with my A. It's draining on him. It's draining on me to be shut out for a whole 10ish days before anything work related and a good week after. Basically we're roommates with physical intimacy about 1-2x per month. We're both exhausted.
H says that my work (going in) is a hard boundary for him... but he doesn't say what that boundary is. I ask and ask him if it's a deal breaker to the point of D. He says he doesn't know. Then walks it back the next day. "I love you and I always will. I didn't mean when I said that your job was a hard boundary that I want a D." I asked him what it did mean then- what the actual consequence was, he didn't know.
It's like the detain and torture path that the "How to Help your Spouse Heal" book talks about. Except, I think now we're detaining and torturing each other.
I think he could heal better if I quit... but that would be giving up a HUGE part of me. It's my boundary from all the financial abuse I endured earlier in the M. He could still decide to D anyway and where would that leave me? I'm trying to decide if I'm being incredibly wayward selfish in keeping the job vs. quitting it for the sake of H and our M. Is it selfish or self-preserving? I've endured so much unending criticism from H in our M, that really, between the financial security, the joy of the actual work itself... sigh. I don't know.
So, not asking whether it would be better to D or not... were at a low point for sure, but things have been better over the past 4ish years, and have been worse.
Just, if we do end in D, does that mean that I'm a failure as a WS?
Thanks for sticking with the novel. Needed to get that out.