SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

3 months post DDAY. The EA/PA was 4 months long and didn’t quite make it to intercourse before they were caught. Husband has been fully committed to proving to me that he is sorry and wants our marriage and NOT her since the moment he was caught. I am certain that I know all of the physical details but it’s the emotions that have me questioning everything. They exchanged "I love yous" and were emotionally invested. I do realize it was probably limerence but I am having such a hard time understanding HOW a man can tell a woman he loves her for 4 months and then the very moment he’s caught, not feel a thing towards her. He swears it’s the oddest thing but he doesn’t even think about her. He says he knew he didn’t love her when he said it even though he felt emotions towards her. He says he knew she wasn’t someone that he wanted to be with and when she would ask if he still loved me he swears he told her that yes he did. Help me understand. Is it possible to just completely disregard the person you were so secretly involved with for 4 months? Could that even be true? That he doesn’t have any feelings of want towards her anymore? Does that make sense? It’s so hard to believe. I WANT so badly to believe it’s true and I see no signs of him missing her AT ALL. He’s just so attentive to my needs and answering all my questions and comforting me. He’s adamant he will prove to me that he never stopped loving me and I’m the one he wants to be with. He swears this is the worst mistake of his life and something that has terrified him since he’s scared to lose me. I would love some insight from someone with experience in this.

My FWH threw the OW under the bus immediately after being caught. Do I believe all of that.....nope. Is he here now.....yep. Will I ever be completely sure of that....nope.

I'm so sorry you're here. I'd look for his actions to match his words for a very, very long time. My husband described it as if someone had thrown water in his face. He made up disparaging nicknames for OW....drove the therapy bus for us....etc. He suddenly realized that he could lose everything that really mattered to him.....as if the A didn't make him realize it. It totally stinks.

Once you drag most affairs out into the light of day, they lose their charm. Like a mushroom that needs dark and horsesh*t to survive, when it's no longer getting that, it shrivels up and rots. Sometimes very quickly.

All she was was someone who was feeding his ego, and my guess is that he loved THAT. He dropped ILY coins into the slot and out came lots of dopamine.

But then he got caught and I'm sure that was terrifying and felt awful. Nothing will make you realize what you truly want like almost losing it.

So many affairs are based on the ego high. You have someone new feeding you these delicious treats and this little bubble protects you. When that bubble gets popped, suddenly you realize how sick you feel.

It's not easy and I imagine it takes a long time. Sometimes you just have to sit and watch.

My husband did basically the same. He is in no way ideal in the sense that he has trickled truthed and at times has been a rug sweeper. Though much less now - he has been setting aside a lot of time every night to talk through how I am processing etc.

He appeared to be very invested in this OW as he was afraid to fire her, took risks to see her, enjoyed hooking up with her (also reportedly fell short of sex—he wanted it but she wasn’t ready and then he had to fire her under pressure from me).

But the second he was caught meeting with her he dropped her like a hot potato. He became almost scared of her because he feared she would blow the whole think up — at work and to his family. He reports never having said these sorts of affectionate things you describe but definite was showing her physical affection. For him it was a chance to get the physical gratification he wanted (having his cake and eating it too), but he never intended it to last more than a few months, there was no long term plan. I believe this because honestly she was such a lowlife there is just absolutely no way he would have ever admitted to anyone — family, friends, colleagues — that he had anything to do with her. It was meant to be a brief secret no one would ever know about. By the time he was caught, he already had most of what he wanted physically, and so he wanted nothing more to do with her. He just wanted her to go away and not blow up his life. It has now been 7 years and he has never been caught in any attempt to have any contact with her. In fact, he got her fired again when she tried to join a company that was about to merge with his. He has trickle truthed the whole time about the extent of the PA, only revealing over many years that they had hooked up at least 20 times in the office, mostly kissing and she would let him touch her boobs, so gross. He definitely wanted sex but she had drawn a line in the sand and they never had the privacy to really get things going. He reports guilt because he felt he was behaving like a « cad » and using her for a cheap thrill. At one point he told her she was « beautiful » which seems a bit like the saying ILY that you describe. But, he says that he said that because he wanted to get her to go further physically and she was making comments about how excited she was by his attention because no one ever told her she was pretty. This is no surprise as she has a face like dog food.

At the 7 year point (and I know things can change) I don’t worry about him cheating again. Lying about the past, yes for sure. I’m not sure I will ever fully believe the words he says. The things I believe about their interaction are mainly things I was able to corroborate with other people who were witnessing the situation real time as well as the dialogue between them that I was able to gain access to.

I wish you well and hope that if you want R your husband lives up to what he is professing. From what I see from husband R seems possible, but it has started to get much better since I started complaining more and taking a harder stance with him. I thought I was being kind and forgiving when I let his trickle truth and rugsweeping slide. I now realize I wasn’t doing myself or our marriage any favors by being so easygoing. Take a hard stance and ask for/demand what you want and need. If he is truly remorseful you will still have to overcome the hurdle of healing your own pain. It is no easy task.

My husband had a long term affair and dumped her happily on D day. It was odd and took years working with a therapist who specialized in infidelity and sex addiction to explain how it happens. My husband to this day describes it as all nonsense and that he knew it at the time. It was like "writing a book" knowing it was all make believe. He could write the pages for a few hours and then go home to real life. He was so emotionally uninvested that he actually felt as though he wasn’t really doing anything "that bad" since it wasn’t real. As he said , he knew he didn’t love her, or want to end up with her, or ever have the intention to leave me like other "terrible cheating men" (his words at the time) do. That’s some first class justification there, but he had to convince himself of something to excuse himself as he was doing it. Freaky what a depraved mind can do to someone. Anyways, just thought I’d pipe in and say I believe your husband. I believe mine. One needs to be either evil or very emotionally ill to cheat in the first place. My husband was an emotional time bomb that went off. In a lot of ways the other woman was as blindsided as I was and that makes me giggle. 🤷‍♀️ she was crushed when he ghosted her. For years, I so badly wanted her to know how happy he was to discard her. I am over that now. (Sort of) unless she is here reading in which case a small piece of me is smiling. Not to threadjack here, but does anyone else ever wonder if the AP has been here and identified you from details? 😬 ugh.

Not to threadjack here, but does anyone else ever wonder if the AP has been here and identified you from details? 😬 ugh.

Yup. Quite sad....and deranged, too. Others will chime in.

I remember one member whose AP was posting on their thread, like they're sympathetic to their pain. They must get their jollies seeing someone at the lowest, and most vulnerable. But it speaks volumes to their character, doesn't it?

[This message edited by jb3199 at 3:16 PM, Wednesday, April 5th]

One of the reasons SI has no search facility is to make it more difficult to track people down.

Yes, WSes have stalked their BSes and have thereby found out info they use in D proceedings. It's really important to protect one's anonymity until you're well into your healing.

He didn’t love her.

He loved how she made him feel. The ego boost. The newness of it all.

And yes I can believe the cheating spouse can just turn it off b/c I think they had already realized the whole thing was a fantasy. I think the cheater realizes it is all one big mistake.

I hope this helps you.

Affairs are illogical — something you cannot always make sense out of.

I don’t think they immediately turn it off, but when the fog lifts, they realize it’s a fantasy, the remorseful ones are disgusted by it.

One of the great resources here is in "I Can Relate" BS questions for WS, the fWS were very transparent and helped clarify some things that didn’t make sense.

I totally understand what your going through my husband had a affair for 6 months before I knew than as soon as I found out he became more terrible the two of them were awful to me she threatened harassment he played the I didn't love her or want to be with her game says now it was the biggest mistake of his life doing that to me and he was just using her for his ego boost because our life at home became a toxic mess but he states now he never wants to talk or see her again and he regrets it everyday what he did to me and us but I'm also struggling with the how does a person just let it all go and have no feelings about the other person anymore do I believe him and go on with my life and forgive him I have a hard time as well with that it's hard but I think this forum has helped me alot and it's all in the actions going forward and you have to make him prove it everyday to you you are the one he loves that's what I am trying to do as well it's not easy at all I have so many doubts and questions about his emotional affair

Here’s how I make sense of the situation of did he lover her and why all of a sudden the cheater no longer loves the AP.

Most of us dated people before we married. We may have had serious relationships and loved the guy/girl. Then they broke up with you or you broke up with them.

The love is gone.

You may look back and think how could I have loved (even liked?!) that guy/girl.

Well you did once and now you don’t.

Same with an affair. I do not think it’s love more than an ego boost and infatuation. And that is why it stops the way it does because it wasn’t real. It was a fantasy based on lies.

I kinda laugh to this day at the drama Queen my H was planning to D me for. She was everything he claims to dislike in a woman. Lol good choice there 🤪😡

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:34 PM, Thursday, April 20th]

Hi Fret, did he say why he did this? Is the why fixed?

I hope he doesn’t work with her.

Watch his actions carefully. I also suggest you agree to some really clear boundaries, like you will not go for lunch or dinner with women. You will not put yourself in a risky position etc. you will not speak to this woman again.

Best of luck.