SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What to do when they don't know that you know - and they won't admit it in joint therapy.
Any advice for a BS during wifes MLC?

I've started recovery therapy courses alone and how to survive an A and D.
Started individual therapy.

Don't even expect an acknowledgment or apology at this point.
Pure lone ache.

Pretty confident WS is in full blown MLC.
She wanted a "break/separation". "What does that mean?" I ask, "IDK" she says.
Full proof she had an A (on my birthday weekend - yay me)
AP then dumps her.

She does not know that I know.

Now she wants me to leave the house. "Nope, but you can stay with friends and I'll try to take some extra work trips to give you some space."

She is still online everyday pining for the AP, combing his/his girlfriend/family social media.

22 year marriage and she is a non-working spouse where a D will crush my $.
3/3 kids to college later this year.

Now suspect she's also started A#2. She's closing the bars on a regular basis. WTF

Not working?

Cut off her phone and wifi at home.

Cut off her access to money.

Stop funding her ability to speak to these men.

Take half of all the money and put it on an account that she can't access. Stop depositing any money into the account she has access to. You are not legally required to provide her with a phone and internet.

So sorry you found the need to be here. You will receive good support. Read in the healing library and pinned posts. Get tested for STD’s and see an attorney to learn your rights and what D might look like. Inform the AP’s gf of the infidelity. She has a right to know. Most importantly take care of you. Eat healthy and exercise. Stay away from excess alcohol or drugs.

Take no blame for her cheating. Nothing you did caused her to cheat. Protect your finances and separate your credit cards. Your WW is actively pursuing infidelity. Read and implement the 180. Do not move from your home. No contact except for children or financial matters. No idle chat. Do not engage. Sometimes you have to risk losing your M to have any chance to save it. Sounds like your WW has checked out of your M. Let her go. Do not beg or plead. The pick me dance never works. Always value yourself. You deserve a faithful partner who is committed to your M. Tell her she is free to go be with her AP but not as your W. Hang in there you will get through this.

Can you explain why you haven't confronted? It might help with the advice you receive.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us. Why havent you confronted her? You need to read up on the 180 in the healing library and the pinned posts up above. She is not going to stop as long as you look the other way and allow it. Stick around and keep posting you find a lot of great support here.

Morning Empty,
Sorry for your predicament.
I also have to ask why haven’t you confronted the cheater?
I fully agree with what HellFire, fareast and Tanner have said.
She can exit the abode. Tell the children of the cheating and the likely consequences of her actions. Regardless of what is going on, seek legal advice and std as well as sti checks. You may not have been sexual with WW recently but some bugs can be transmitted in saliva. Also inform AP’s girlfriend she has the right to know. So she can make an informed decision regarding her relationship as well as her own health.
One day at a time.

Hi emptynestagony,

I'm sorry you're here and hurting. It doesn't really matter if she admits it or not. YOU know, and that is enough.

You probably know this already, but you cannot reconcile a marriage alone - not with someone who is currently in a very wayward mindset and who may be actively cheating. R requires two active participants.

Have you read about the 180 yet? It's about looking out for and taking care of yourself, which can be so important in a situation like yours, where your partner has shown that she's not interested in doing so. There are articles in the Healing Library about the 180 and boundaries.

Setting boundaries can be incredibly uncomfortable when you're not used to doing so. It can feel selfish and can induce feelings of guilt. Like anything, it is a skill that requires practice. If you're not used to setting boundaries, your comfort zone might not actually be the best frame of reference. Boundaries tell others how you wish to be treated, and protect you from being mistreated. They are not about punishment or control of the WS, they are for YOUR wellbeing. If you receive pushback (or hostility) from you WS in setting reasonable boundaries, it's a pretty good indicator that those boundaries are NEEDED.

You can only control yourself. If your WS refuses to respect those boundaries and treat you with respect and care, you have options. You may not like those options, but you have them. You can emotionally detach, physically distance yourself, or end the relationship. I know that is easier said than done, but the alternative is to continue living like you are. I imagine that this feels pretty unacceptable. If nothing changes, nothing will change.

It may be that if you demand better, your spouse will wake up, see what she is risking by acting so selfishly and make changes to her behaviour. If she doesn't, at least YOU will be getting yourself out of infidelity.

I wish you all the best and hope you keep posting.

WW's are really hard to handle. They only function through emotions, and no logic applies. Its only how they feel, and how AP makes them feel. Worthless beings that have given up on logic and are chasing feelings, and there isn't much you can do when they're fogging away to convince them otherwise.

Hellfire has a good list that you should get going on, but beyond that, I'd make sure that you find out who the AP/APs are, if they're married and notify their OBS. In addition to that, make sure your detective work is solid, you want that information so that you can share it with others that need to know, which may include her parents and your kids. Sometimes the open revealing of her horrendous deed is need to wake her up, which means making this information public so that she is held accountable. As a BS, you are not going to be successful doing that on your own if she is already ready to be separated. I would out her now to the kids and parents, and let her deal with those consequences. One of my biggest regret is not outting my WW immediately. She tried to convince me that if I out her, than there is no way back, and all of the family and kids will know and will make R that much harder. You know what, it only emboldened her to carry on her affair and continue to lie to my kids. Once I got it out there, there was no more hiding, and you don't want to lie to your kids.

Do not leave the house and do not take extended work trips. Have her leave if that's what she wants. You're not the one who committed treason to the family, you should not have to leave. This so called wife of yours is actively stabbing you in the back, you need to take back control. Out her to the family and start taking your life back. Ask her to go get a job.

I am so so so thankful for this community and all of you.
Sincerely blessed to have you all on this never anticipated coaching bench.
For as crap a reason that we're all please know that you're all my real life Ted Lasso heros :)

- confronted WW today.
- Had been stalling in order to get some kids/college financial funds finalized which was just resolved.
- her response was *literally* an eye roll and exit from the room when I told her I knew she was sleeping with other people and that was NOT ACCEPTABLE to me.

So, okey-dokey I see that she's not in a place to realize there are other people on this planet.

- Since Feb 2023 when it snapped for her (i suspect MLC) - she's on AP #2 (or #4 depending on how you count)
- she's at a toxic friends house now so it'll be interesting to see what plays out over the next few weeks.
- I have reached out to some joint friends to ask them to just check in on her ... not on my behalf but truly for her own safety.
- I've resigned to file for D and think/hope she'll accept using a mediator v. angry lawyers
- Am finalizing with my lawyer this week to make sure all my ducks are lined up properly and expect to be **Clobbered** financially.

I keep reading the posts and resources here, and other sites. Thank you all again for your insights and sharing of experience.

Am trying to take into action a focus on self.
- started yoga, meditation, tapping
- I only respond to WW if there's text with an actual question - and use the minimum # words possible w/ answer
- trying to keep off the 25 lbs i've lost from stress of this. somebody slap me because I look good :)
- personal counseling has been a huge help - PLEASE DO THIS IF POSSIBLE
- just finished a personal goal of visiting all 50 US States. (If you're in Arkansas I saved the best for last :) )
- reviving my goal to visit lots of countries and back today from Belize and Guatemala with my daughter and her friend
- biggest challenge i learned from so far is that I had completely outsourced my personal network to my, now, WW.
- real eye opener to think "who can i call on in MY real TIME OF NEED".
- count myself really lucky to have a handful folks to rally with and lean on - and I've tried to be careful to ask also how THEY are doing.

As absolutely crap crap crap crap crap Angry Angry SAD SAD DAD, Disappointed and shocked as I am I will fake it til i make it and will build a new model of life. Shitty Shitty ashes don't smell - they're just ashes I never thought would exist.

YES - I'm talking a brave game i need to live into - and appreciate all your support helping us get there.
Please LMK if there's anything else to focus on and if there is anything I can do to support each of you.

Ever Forward.
(and F*** You! WW)

You are doing very well managing your emotions and moving forward. Keep doing the limited interactions and use the180. Your list of actions is good. The mindfulness activities and exercise are especially good IMO. Accept no blame for her cheating. It sounds like your WW is defensive and in denial. Do not argue or try to force her to come clean. You know she is cheating and so does she. I would move to file for D soon if she shows no signs of remorse or honesty. The point here is to get out of infidelity. Taking action gives you a sense of making progress out of infidelity. Sometimes you have to risk losing the M, in order to have any chance to save it.

It sounds like you are both close to being empty nesters. As you face your kids being gone out of the house and possible D, look at activities you’ve enjoyed but put aside while you worked to raise a family. Look at hobbies and activities you enjoy. Get out as you like, to a concert, for a run, or hang out with friends. Do not just sit home. As far as your kids I would explain what is going on in whatever detail you feel appropriate. If you know who the APs are, if they are married or in a committed relationship, I would promptly inform their OBS or gf’s. Not for revenge or out of vindictiveness, but because they deserve to know the truth of their relationships.

Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:16 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

real eye opener to think "who can i call on in MY real TIME OF NEED

That one is one I'm struggling with as well, I'm not liking what it means.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 3:23 AM, Tuesday, April 18th]

Guys, a survey found that women use their best friends as sounding boards. Men use their wives.
You can use a therapist for support. Be sure and find one that fits.

sorry to see you here empty. not telling you what to do, just throwing out options. if you press the issue, and you have no proof, she may start covering her tracks. for less than $200 on amazon, i got a voice activated recorder (VAR) that i tucked in the trim of her steering wheel and a wireless tracking device with a magnetic box that fastened nicely and quickly to the frame of the car. i had it delivered to a P.o. box so it didn’t show up at the house. i got the whole truth…. it was undeniable and undebatable. it was gruelingly painful to hear the truth from the horse’s mouth, but it was the truth that i needed to hear

Empty nest, you are doing the 180 brilliantly. 😊