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Newest Member: M0771

I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later - part 2

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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 5:54 PM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

to 5Decades: Your story is so much like mine. We have been married over 50 years. I knew about one affair back in October 1990 and figured he was unfaithful prior to that. He started going to strip bars before three years of marriage after his prick of a best friend kept urging him. After a COVID induced psychosis in early 2022, he decided to blurt out all of his past infidelities after I got his phone and found he had been sexting with multiple women on Facebook. I was disgusted reading his messages and he got nude pictures of them. It turned out he had cheated 17 out of the first 20 years of marriage. He had unprotected sex with a stripper and unprotected sex with another one he picked up in a bar with his prick friend. He said these were one-night stands and the only other woman was the one in 1990 with whom he had multiple incidences of unprotected sex. After the affair in 1990, I thought he had changed; things got much better between us around 1993; I was so wrong. It seems he cheated again in 2000 with a coworker. He says she just gave him a blow job and that he only had intercourse with three women. He had made out with multiple other women over the years. He has cried a few times, and I know he is remorseful. However, I think he is only sorry now because he is older and can't get it up the way he did when younger. Now, all of a sudden, I'm finally enough for him. I never cheated although I had been approached by multiple men over the years. I have never gained weight and took pride in my appearance. Men have told me that I am beautiful and that they would love to have a wife like me. Now, I just feel so ashamed and stupid for believing his lies in the past. I have the IQ of a genius and feel duped. I suppose I wanted to believe that my husband loved and respected me. He was always a good father to our boys. That is the main reason I wanted the marriage to work in 1990. Our sons were still in school, and I could not afford to maintain the household on my own. He has destroyed every ounce of love and respect I ever had for him. I have no desire to be with him sexually. He has been the perfect husband the past two years, but the damage he did is irreparable. He is still suffering from long COVID and has anxiety along with distorted taste. Karma is a bitch! Part of me wants to be with other men now. I want to go out every week and meet other men like he did for years. I'm not sure if I ever will do that, but a part of me wants revenge. I wish you the best and you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. This website has been therapeutic for me.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8829263
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lessthinking ( member #83887) posted at 10:05 PM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2024

Married 30 years this August, discovered he has been keeping his "little kissing affair" a secret for half of it. THIS is what hurts more than anything. Keeping it a secret for half of our marriage, AND it would still be a secret if I hadn't discovered it! This is the aspect that will prevent reconciliation for me. He had ample opportunities, especially when I found an overly flirtatious text thread with someone different and he promised he never had and never would do ANYTHING like that.
Now he is fully remorseful, working on connection, you name it...and I'm left mentally thrashing over the 15 years of secret keeping. I try to look at it realistically (without minimizing) and the mental thrashing goes a little like, "it was a few kissing sessions, he is deeply upset and remorseful, are you going to end the marriage because of this, how can you trust someone who promises to be honest when he had already promised to be honest before, what if he does this again, will I survive". You get the picture.
AGONY

posts: 126   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2023   ·   location: West Coast
id 8831033
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Trumansworld ( new member #84431) posted at 12:04 AM on Thursday, March 28th, 2024

less thinking....

M 43 yrs in May. A 42 yrs ago. Just told me 12/24. Mine had sex.

Totally get it. Hurts to even think about our life together right now.

At least my distorted version of it.

BW 63WH 65DD 12/01/2023M 43Together 48

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2024   ·   location: Washington
id 8831058
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lessthinking ( member #83887) posted at 6:05 PM on Thursday, March 28th, 2024

Trumansworld - I am so sorry...absolutely gut wrenching.

posts: 126   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2023   ·   location: West Coast
id 8831177
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BlusteryDay ( new member #84244) posted at 2:50 PM on Monday, April 1st, 2024

I’m new here, though I’ve lurked since 2016 when we had our first DDay.

I just want to say thank you to you all for sharing. You have put my thoughts into words and I find comfort in the fact that "I am not walking this road alone".

I am continuing forward in the marriage but I am only giving it the "One Year" that is recommended by the "professionals". We are doing MC, and IC with a CSAT who is helping immensely. I could write a book at this point, and maybe I should? Or a movie script…because I think people need to know how insane this world really is.

2016 - He tells me out of the blue that he wants a divorce because there is "another woman". He TT’d for a few weeks and then clammed up and decided he wanted to stay married. Hysterical bonding didn’t help at all. So, R we did…or so I thought.

Between 2018-2023 he had "stomach issues", UTI’s, etc - always an excuse to not perform in the marital bed. Long work trips, many days spent away from home working or even long hours in the office. I was an idiot and thought he was just Type A and a hard worker.

2023 - STD pops up and I open a letter from the blood bank rejecting his donation that he had done about a month prior. So began my living hell.

12/2023 I dug and found his secret email account, with location and web data going back to 2018 (when he opened the account). He had long since deleted the emails but the damning data was there. Then came financials.

It is beyond overwhelming to even comprehend. I look at this person now and I don’t know who he is, or was.

We are going to do a therapeutic disclosure, to give me closure. I am frustrated with him now because he tells me "I don’t remember" as a response to my questions about anything…so I want a formal disclosure with lie detector test so I can move forward and make an informed decision about my future.

The fact that some of this stuff happened a decade ago just kills me - He denied prostitution use until I found an old text from his phone dated 2016 where he was soliciting!

I thank God for my CSAT who is working his tail off, to make sure I keep my sanity and work through the trauma.

Anyway, again…just want to thank all of you for sharing - because finding out "after" the act; LONG after the act … is a tough mind bend to accept.

Apparently married to a sex addict since 1992.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8831640
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 9:10 PM on Sunday, April 14th, 2024

I am frustrated with him now because he tells me "I don’t remember" as a response to my questions about anything

Got the same response to my questions. "I don't remember" = "I remember everything but don't want to tell you the truth because of what you might do." My WW once told me "If I tell you everything you will divorce me for sure." So the question to ask yourself is, can I stay married without ever knowing the truth?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8833516
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BlusteryDay ( new member #84244) posted at 5:58 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

can I stay married without ever knowing the truth

I ask myself this very question, often.

It isn’t a matter of "well, you can’t remember so I guess I’ll just "‘forget’"

It’s a matter of "You can’t ‘remember’, then I can’t stay in a marriage of secrets."

Lying by Omission has always been one of my biggest pet peeves under ANY circumstances. And I’m learning that this is my WH favorite "tactic". It’s disgusting. I told him that if I have to work hard to get ANY information from him then I don’t need to be in this marriage. His CSAT agreed.

I’m actually looking forward to therapeutic disclosure - it will tell me if it’s time to close the door.

Apparently married to a sex addict since 1992.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8833593
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 9:49 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

It’s a matter of "You can’t ‘remember’, then I can’t stay in a marriage of secrets."

I'll be 30 years past D-Day1 come this August and I still know hardly anything about what went on. She'll take it to her grave. Don't be me.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8833623
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 2:56 PM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

I get the same "I don't remember" response and "what does it matter? it happened over 30 years ago". He says I have been physically faithfully since 2000 and all the other women approached me; I never approached any of them. He never said "I am happily married, or I love my wife" because he obviously didn't love me or care about his marriage. Physically faithful?; maybe, but he was sexting with multiple women just two years ago when this all came to light. Sometimes I feel sickened just being in this marriage. I am now approaching 73 and divorce is just too complicated at this stage. He has been wonderful to me since his confessions so why would I walk away now when he has been so good to me. I suppose I will stay in this marriage, but I feel no loyalty to him. If I ever meet someone else, I will not hesitate to engage in an affair. I deserve some happiness for the years I have left. He used me for most of our marriage; now, it's my turn to use him.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8833889
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Fracturedfool ( new member #84734) posted at 10:00 PM on Thursday, April 18th, 2024

Xcook I hear you. I am 70 and in a similar but have added bonus of his renewed texting with AP from 44 years ago last year. I asked him if in the 2900 plus texts with her and the 1500 with POS SIL if he ever told either one of them he loved me. WH said "It never came up". There’s my answer. Like I said I am not living just existing. I was a happy person before but now I’m just a shell. Don’t think I would have an affair though. I don’t want any more complications to think about.

Me BS 70 WH 72 M 42 yrs Together 52 yrs D days 1976-1979 New D day Jan 1 2023

Should have believed what he was the first time

posts: 10   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2024   ·   location: Canadian Prairies
id 8833929
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, April 19th, 2024

fractured: My husband also looked up an affair partner on Facebook, but said he never contacted her. I think that is probably true, but he certainly contacted an old girlfriend and spent almost two hours talking to her over the telephone. He had the nerve to ask her if his calling her would cause her any problems in case she was involved with someone else, but he never bothered to ask me if I would mind. He also had the audacity to text other women in front of me and told me he didn't want to be rude by not responding to their texts. I'm sorry you're going through this terrible ordeal. At least, my husband finally realized how disrespectful he had been and stopped communicating with other women. Like I said, he has been the most thoughtful and caring husband ever. It's too bad he waited so long; the damage he caused is irreparable. He hurt me more than all the terrible things that have ever happened to me in my entire life. Only the death of my children would hurt me more. I told him that if I predecease him, I want no mention of him whatsoever in my obit, and I do not want my remains anywhere near him. He told me he wants to be buried in a plot we had purchased in the 70s. I will bury him there if he predeceases me but not in the manner he wants (with his body in a casket). I will have him cremated, place his ashes there in a container with just his name, year of birth and death, and toss the marker with my name. He will not be remembered as a husband and a father. I realize I am still holding a lot of anger and that's not healthy. Forgiving him for having unprotected sex with three total strangers is something I just cannot do. He admitted the only reason he didn't have vaginal sex with the last one in 2000 is because he thought she may have an STD. We both married lousy pricks who cared only about their own desires. I hope you are able to live out the rest of your life in some kind of peace. Feel free to send me a private message if you want.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8834112
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 7:05 AM on Monday, April 29th, 2024

So, I'm recently in this position as well. 20 years ago, I had been married to my high school girlfriend (and still current wife) for less than 2 years and we had been together for 9 years total (with the exception of one "break" during college) when my wife started traveling for work. She was 23 at this time. She had an older coworker, a more experienced guy in their job that would travel with her on occasion, but it was a family business that she worked for, so the couple that owned the business and their daughter traveled on these trips as well.

On one of these many out of state trips, I got my phone call where she told me that she was back at the hotel having finished work for the day. She was rooming with the owner's daughter, so I thought nothing of it. Well, hours later, I got a call from Mary, the owner's daughter. She was worried that my wife was not back in the room yet and that she had heard that she was at an industry party, dancing "inappropriately" with Luis, the coworker. She used the word "grinding" to describe the dancing, though to be fair, she was not at the party. Mary was upset and worried and I started trying to call my wife without success. I got super pissed and left at least one angry voice message. Hours went by and I started to consider divorce for the first time.

Well, eventually, late into the night, I got a phone call from my wife, telling me that she was back in the room with Mary and that "nothing" had happened at the party. I held off to discuss this upon her return. Well, when she got back, we had it out. She was a bit fiery in her denials, blaming her lack of response to my calls to a bad signal (she did all her calls to me on a hotel land line) but she had no great explanation for staying out so late. She just denied the grinding or "anything" happening. I was sure that she had fucked Luis, probably for hours and came back late to call me after. I planned on leaving her, but she set up counseling and I went with her.

The counselor was a man and she held her denials 100% in counseling. "Nothing" had happened according to her. I Knew Luis and his smug behavior said otherwise, but we had session after session where she steadfastly denied everything.
I was close with her employers and they were pitying me, believing their daughter's version of the event. I felt like a cuck, and Luis was still working with Jess, my wife.

These counseling weeks stretched out and then my wife was fired from that job (months after "the night"), forcing us to move away from everybody involved. I never believed anything except for visions of Jess giving everything she had to Luis that night, but she didn't budge and the counselor seemed to think I was paranoid. Somehow, we stayed together - likely do to how busy I was, inertia and our move.

Fast forward to this year, I would make reference to her infidelity on occasion and she had quit denying it. I would even joke about her weakness for Puerto Ricans etc, trying to get her to open up.

Finally, I just couldn't tolerate the lie that stood between us and we had a heart to heart. I told her that I knew that she wasn't the same 23 year old that disappeared with Luis that night, but that I couldn't carry on with this lack of honesty, and she told me the story.

She says that after work, her employers, Luis and her buddy, and another couple sat around discussing the industry party that night, where she downed 2 beers and decided to go, Loading up with Luis and his friend while another couple she knew followed in another car. The owners and Mary didn't go. She say, that when she arrived, Luis' friend gave her a third and final beer. After that she started "salsa or bachata style dancing" with several men, at least 3 for what sounds like a lot of dancing. She says there was touching, spinning but denies "grinding". Interestingly she says she was sober as well. We had a lot of mutual friends among her industry coworkers at this event. One of these scandalized people called Mary here to report this scene, I believe and this is the info that she passed on to me.
Well, Jess says, after her last dance with Luis, he took her by the hand and told her that she had "something to show me" leading her to the nearby trees. (it was an outdoor party)

"As soon as we were out of sight he turned to me and started kissing me. I reciprocated, a willing participant.. He tried to escalate it by moving down to kissing my neck. I freaked out" "I pushed him away, told him to "Stop". He was incredulous, but acquiesced. I asked him to take me home. "

At this point she says that his friend didn't want to leave the party so she and Luis then left the party, just the two of them to head back to the hotel. (our mutual friends seeing them passionately dancing, holding hands, walking to the woods, then driving off together)

She then told me the rest "On the way home Luis asked me if I regretted kissing him. I told him yes, that I was married. That is when I reminded him that he was also married, and he should also feel guilty. I do not remember his exact response, but it was basically that he did not feel guilty. After that, we were silent back to the hotel. I got out of the truck and went to mine and Mary's room, where she was in a snit and said you'd been calling, and that I needed to call you."

My problem with this story is the timeline I guess the dancing could have gone on until super late, she was out in the country so the cell phone contact thing could be explained. She did get impassioned with the guy and made out with him for "30 seconds" before speeding away with him. No wonder I and her employers thought they had fucked. I feel like I can read her well, and as unlikely as her story sounds she looked truthful, the story came out without hesitation and she was emotional about it's telling, looking like she was unburdening her soul.

Even if her telling is true, it was a pretty big public humiliation for me, a virtual newlywed for her to dance like that, hold hands and make out with the guy. I doubt anybody who saw her leave with him thought that they would part ways in the hotel parking lot.. She says that she has had sex only with me and the boyfriend that she had during our college "break". (They break was all my doing). I'm working on believing her story, though being sure that she had serviced him in bed for the night for the last 20 years is hard to shake. Again, she looked truthful in the telling, and was not happy with admitting the make out session. It's nice to imagine that the truth may be out there, finally.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8835107
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 11:28 PM on Saturday, May 4th, 2024

Brittn, I think you're at the beginning of trickle truth. Once confessions started, it took many years for my H to admit to everything he's admitted to today, and I'll never know for sure if I have it all. The stories have all changed so many times, I have no idea what iteration I knew when--and I'm talking drastic changes. And he always seemed very earnest each time, like this time, I'm telling you the full truth. But no. That was never/has yet to be the case.

They want to mitigate the damage as much as possible. But until the full truth is out there, the WS can't be released from the burden they've created for themselves and truly start the healing process. So therefore, neither can you.

I would trust your gut and try to keep digging. Sometimes, if you ask a thousand times, they'll finally tell the truth. Sometimes you have to find the evidence for yourself.

Good luck to you, and I'm sorry this is happening.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8835675
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 3:41 PM on Sunday, May 5th, 2024

Revenger, you might be right. On the face of it, she danced innappropriately with the guy after three beers, was led to the nearby woods by him (by the hand) where they made out. Then, her story is that she stopped it and demanded that he take her back to the hotel where she want back to her room where she had a room mate) To our friends, all this happened then they sped back to the hotel together. I, and they, assumed that she was his for the night that night. It occured to me to reach out to the room mate that night, but I haven't seen her in years. Who knows what her memory of the night is after all this time.

I'm not in a great place as far as knowing the truth when I hear it. My wife looks sincere as hell when she tells her story though. Super apolgetic after her "confession". It could have happened as she said.. Hard to know.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8835704
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 4:41 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

Brittn, for your sake, I hope that is the full truth!

Do you know if there were opportunities for her to be unfaithful at other times, not just that trip? You mentioned you were previously suspicious of the OM. Maybe they had an EA with no additional physical contact... maybe there was additional physical contact. I can't imagine zero inappropriate behavior between them followed by a full-on public dirty dancing and sneaking off in front of people who also knew you--and in a professional setting, no less! She neither cared if you found out nor if it affected her professional reputation.

I'm just trying to help you see the possible big picture, because I was also adamantly in support of my WH when my friends would tell me the stories he was giving me were not believable. After years of pulling teeth, I realized they were correct. It is very difficult to train yourself to not believe the person you've inherently trusted since Day 1. And my H gave me no reason to be suspicious ever prior to Dday. I foolishly assumed cheating wasn't in his DNA.

Boy, was I wrong.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8835753
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 4:50 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

To add: she did not "immediately" share this confession. She had 20 years to mull it over and figure out what is the best way to admit unfaithfulness without it being "so bad" that you want to D. My WH confessed to me as well, I didn't discover anything. He also wanted to unburden himself and give me a tiny amount of info in the hopes that I would prevent him from further infidelity without blowing up our lives.

She's being lying to you for decades. She's very good at looking earnest.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8835754
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, May 6th, 2024

mine also confessed with no reason to do so and STILL managed to trickle truth some of the information. within a couple months the story seemed to solidify. no more revelations etc. he also looked 100% honest while still holding stuff back. After seven years of holding it in im not sure he really knew how to tell the truth. Now maybe the truth is all out. I felt writing the timeline helped. At first I thought it was kind of silly and didn’t really pressure him. We had discussed it all so many times after all. But I think they actually have more trouble lying in written form. Maybe there is fear they will be called out someday and their lies will be in writing. Either way I noticed it created greater accountability

posts: 391   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8835783
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, May 8th, 2024

Revenger and Stillconfused, thanks for the feedback. I agree, she had forever to formulate a story to tell me and, in fact denied everything when we did couples counseling back then. I did spring my demand for the truth on her without warning and then, a day or two later, had her write out her "confession".

Both looked a convincing, but I had spent years believing (as did our mutual friends back then) that she had surely spent the night with him. If she didn't fully consummate that infidelity, she had allowed me to think she had an imagine her submitting to his every base desire for the last 20 years. I can certainly imagine why she would want to rewrite history is it really was that way.

After she wrote her confession, I suggested that I contact the other man or even her room mate for that night and she didn't bat an eye or try to talk me out of it. She seemed ok with that plan. Of course, I didn't contact either of them, at least yet.

The 20 years of simmering anger and loss of trust was always there, and I'd love for it to be gone, in many ways, we do well together (explaining how we are still together) She has, for all these years had open email, phones etc to me. I dont think that she has been a repeat offender, at least since we moved away from her Dancing/makeout/coworker. If she is hitting me with trickle truth, I doubt that I get to hear the rest of the story. If she isn't, she publicly humiliated me in front of friends and coworkers by making out with a coworker after grinding him on the dancefloor. As a one time youthful fuck up? That is basically her story.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8835932
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 5:01 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2024

Brittn, I do hope that's the full story and the end of her wayward behavior. She has been a model WS ever since (save for the decades of lying about the incident; however, that could be understandable if this were her sole indiscretion).

But I do recommend contacting anyone who could shed additional light on the situation, even if it's uncomfortable. You'd be shocked what you could learn.

I waited to contact some of the APs because I believed my earnest-looking H. But I didn't even know 1% of the truth, I found out.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8835998
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 7:07 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2024

Revenger, I know that you are right, but my contact options are her room mate from 20 years ago (who was pretty young back then) or the guy himself. The business trip hotel roommate of the business trip could certainly tell me when my wife returned to the room, but that might be it. The idea of calling the guy who either tried to screw my wife or perhaps succeeded, leaves me with the question about whether I should believe whatever he tells me. What do we think, would he have any incentive to tell the truth? I admit, I do want to know the real events of the night. My wife certainly has an incentive to minimize, or she could be in the terrible position of having actually stopped him after the make out session and then just be left in a difficult to believe position. Trying to work through this stuff after the fact is pretty tough.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836003
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