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Newest Member: M0771

I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later - part 2

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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 7:46 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2024

Brittn, you're assuming no one has any information to share. But perhaps your W actually confided in her roommate that more happened and the roommate didn't know how to tell you after the fact. Maybe the roommate heard rumors later and didn't know how to approach you. Maybe they had an A and it was an open secret at the time, but no one wanted the burden of getting involved. Maybe she remembers nothing, true, but... you don't know unless you ask.

As far as the AP goes, yes, he will definitely lie for a variety of reasons, if he even talks to you at all. But here's my experience with one of the OW whose A with my H ended years earlier.

My H confessed to being an adulterer during a current alleged EA of his (which turned out to be a PA), so even though he gave me names of some previous mistresses, I initially had bigger fish to fry. When I eventually got around to contacting this particular OW, I assumed their inappropriate behavior had been occasional texting during the few months they had worked together four years earlier, because that's what my H had so convincingly told me it was. Therefore, I assumed I was so far off her radar that when I messaged her she wouldn't even know who I was--nor care.

Imagine my surprise when she immediately responds and seems to know exactly who I am and is eager to talk to me. She went along with the texting story but left breadcrumbs for me to figure out it had actually been a full-blown PA wherein she told him she loved him.


So why did she tell me without just telling me? Because during their PA, she believed he would leave me for her, and when he didn't, she absolutely hated my guts for all these years (while I never knew she existed). She wanted me to know about her so she could finally get her validation and have me to suffer the way she had. Feel like she won, essentially.

But she also didn't want to deal with the fallout, from me or my H, who she still liked. I could tell as soon as the cat was out of the bag that she was freaking out not knowing how he would react or what I would do... and I ended up doing a lot.

Ultimately, even though she was a liar, it did lead me to finding out everything I needed to know to really go hard on my H and reevaluate everything else he had told me about his other As--and realizing they were actually PAs.

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:05 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8836006
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 7:54 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2024

Revenger, that is amazing history of yours, I admit, your husband sounds like a guy who is lucky to have you willing to reconcile .

Yeah, the other guy’s lies concern me. If he told me that they spent the night in the throes of passion, would I be right to believe him? Prob not.. the room mate could def know more though, you are right. I’ll reach out to her, for sure.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836008
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 8:04 PM on Thursday, May 9th, 2024

Oh absolutely! He's lucky we had young kids at the time so that I was willing to try. But I'm glad I did.

And as a reminder, we only were able to get to where we are because I was determined to get the full truth. Not fair to me to put all the burden on me to do the work for the truth. But he is carrying the load now, and I still have my family, so I call it a win.

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:16 PM, Thursday, May 9th]

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8836013
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:39 AM on Friday, May 10th, 2024

Brittn,

Even if the OM lies his lies will not line up with your WW lies and will tell you something.

You can also tell your WW that you spoke with the OM, it's true, and that he told you everything.

I talked with OM1 and while I did not get to ask the question the things he chattered about told me something.

He moved away soon after that coversation, hope it was me and that he remembered what I used to do when I was a kid.

[This message edited by survrus at 2:41 AM, Friday, May 10th]

posts: 1490   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 4:21 PM on Friday, May 10th, 2024

It’s interesting, if she had immediately told me a story of a night of carnal debauchery, I would’ve undoubtedly believed her, and I was prepared to forgive her for it as it had been many years. I think, that she’s been faithful since at least that era if not that very night. (I can’t guarantee the night that I know about was the only such encounter.)

When she instead tells me the much less disturbing story of a 20, some odd old girl getting overexcited, dancing the salsa with three beers in her belly and making out with another guy, even if it was public and humiliating for both of us, I feel less closure as the possibility that she’s lying to me, is still there. Hard to win in this kind of situation. Reaching out to the two people who might know something, is probably worth it.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836165
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 3:14 PM on Saturday, May 11th, 2024

I have to agree, that's what makes the story so suspicious. If she had been forthcoming right away, I'm certain that would have been the full truth, because an immediate confession indicates feeling guilt and a one-time lapse in someone's moral compass. I mean, everyone is stupid when they're 23.

But covering up for years reveals a character flaw that stems from some issue she has buried deep down that needs an IC to bring to the surface (aka her "why").

Again, good luck to you. Navigating TT is not for the faint of heart.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8836256
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 11:25 PM on Saturday, May 11th, 2024

Revenger, I appreciate all the advice. Hunting down contact info on those two now. (Room mate and Other guy). If you want to open private messages, I would send you her written timeline/confession for a second opinion. I don’t really want to post it publicly. If you don’t, no problem at all. :)

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836278
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 8:57 PM on Sunday, May 12th, 2024

Absolutely, send away! I've heard many stories and every time something seemed slightly suspicious, it's because it was. I'd be glad to offer some insight.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8836313
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 7:09 PM on Monday, May 13th, 2024

Revenger, open your private messages on here and I’ll send it over!

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836368
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 8:49 PM on Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

Brittn, have you considered having your W sit for a polygraph?

posts: 379   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8836460
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 1:54 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Gr8ful, if I believed that they worked, I’d think about it. Pretty sure she would be pretty angry about it. Do we think they work, or just scare her into telling the truth? Seems like they’re just glorified blood pressure and heart rate monitors?

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836497
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Revenger ( member #80445) posted at 4:38 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

I sent you a PM, Brittn, let me know if you didn't receive it.

Married to an SA
Many DDays after discovering many, many EAs/PAs Working on R

posts: 74   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2022
id 8836520
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 8:31 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

Thanks, Revenger. It's great to get somebody else's opinion here! I'm too embarrassed to let my friends know that my wife was unfaithful, and my attempt at couples counseling, where the wife denied everything left me looking like the suspicious husband. I wish that guy knew what she says now..

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836612
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

Pretty sure she would be pretty angry about it. Do we think they work, or just scare her into telling the truth? Seems like they’re just glorified blood pressure and heart rate monitors?

Who cares if she gets angry about it? This is about you getting some peace of mind. There's a reason the government, the military, and many businesses uses polygraphs. Are they 100% accurate? No, but pretty damn close. Had WW take one in 2020. Yeah, she was ticked off about having to do it but it helped us to move forward in our marriage.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8836892
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 8:11 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2024

Mr Kite, I do get that. It may not be a bad idea, particularly if it scares the WW into telling the truth. Would be a hell of a thing for me to sit in a room listening to her confess her infidelity in front of examiners and myself. I’ve tried to cover this up ever since it happened, a useless effort since the day that she did it (the day that I know about) she was seen by so many people that we know and that she works with.

I do want peace of mind and was planning on reaching out to her friend and maybe even the AP for more info. Maybe the polygraph is worth a second thought.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8836901
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 5:16 AM on Saturday, May 18th, 2024

It took me many years to get fed up enough to say "get the polygraph or else we're done." The truth is that WW and I are both champion rug sweepers. It was fear that kept me from doing that earlier. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which you can get as a PDF online for free.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8836948
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 8:55 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

Yeah, Mr. Kite, it's interesting how badly I need to know the truth of the details. Some people would think I/we could stop at knowing that she committed infidelity, but the details seem important, also the knowledge that she isn't holding back secrets seem to be important for me to be able to move on. If she is still hiding things that they did together, I'm still the clueless sucker here, right? Important to get to the truth.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8837059
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 9:43 PM on Sunday, May 19th, 2024

the knowledge that she isn't holding back secrets seem to be important for me to be able to move on

Then you should do everything you possibly can to get the information you seek.

The bad news, at least in my personal experience, is that there will always be a feeling that she's holding something back. The real issue is trust. Will you ever be able to truly trust her again even if she gives up all her secrets?

There are some who need every detail. Then there are others like myself who don't. I can pretty much guess what my WW and her ****buddy did during the A. I don't need to know the details. She claims they only did it 3 times. Don't care if they did it 300 times in every possible position. The problem I had was with the lying, the deception, the gaslighting, and the lack of respect for me.

Hope you either work things out or get out of infidelity permanently if you don't get what you need and want.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8837061
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Brittn ( new member #84766) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

I understand that completely! That being said, I am a guy who wants to know all the details. In fact, has she confessed immediately to every kind of Debouched sexual position with the guy I would’ve undoubtedly, believed her and probably been able to move on. Since she tells me that they only made out in the woods, and then rode back to the hotel together, where they then walked to their separate hotel rooms, I’m left feeling like I might be on the recipient of some BS. I would probably be more comfortable today that she just confessed a full out sexual affair, and I felt like it was all out in the open. The fact that I think there is still secrets, is a big hold up. Appreciate all the advice.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8837365
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 2:29 AM on Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

Since she tells me that they only made out in the woods, and then rode back to the hotel together, where they then walked to their separate hotel rooms, I’m left feeling like I might be on the recipient of some BS.

She obviously, at the least, has boundary issues. At the worst this is not what married adults do. Married adults don't "make out," ride around in the car together with an AP, and then go to separate hotel rooms. It's possible but unlikely.

An affair proceeds step by step, crossing one boundary after another. First it's mild flirting, then the phone calls, texts, emails, etc. Then the occasional lunch or dinner. The final step and boundary that is crossed before sex is the kiss.

The fact that I think there is still secrets, is a big hold up.

Thus the need for the polygraph.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8837384
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