Impacted: Although my recent struggles are only six months old I can totally relate to this,
I still don't have all the truth. I know he is never going to tell me. It has consumed me.
I have said all through this that my running wild imagination MMs are, I am convinced, worse than reality. Just the compassion to help me rein those in at the very least let alone the moral obligation based on our vows of commitment to each other should be enough incentive for her to do the right thing, and I know the hard thing, and tell me the damn truth. But not to be, she has a death grip on those secrets. And to your point BFTG, the truth may be unbearable but these seemingly endless what ifs seem equally destructive.
I have been working recently with what I feel so far is a pretty good IC. Went together as MC the first session but now it is IC for me. Our session last week though caused me to do some pretty serious soul searching, from my journal:
"She told me she had a male client who had pushed his wife so hard for the big reveal she had a stroke. After replaying the session I have come to realize that there is a stark moral question that clearly comes into focus, and that is "Is what you want worth the life of your wife?" Without hesitation the answer is emphatically NO!! it is not. Ok so where does that leave me? Is there a plan B? I am not sure I know the answer to that yet."
What you said Never2late is very true in that I am the only one that can know or discover my own path forward. And so I began the difficult task of figuring out what plan B is. We have too much good history and I feel I am too old to chuck it now. In fact up until 6 months ago we were newly retired and the happiest we have probably ever been. Not sure I understand all the triggers that has brought back this 35 year old trauma but, should I try to understand and short circuit those triggers (IC perhaps)? so I can try and stuff this crap down a couple more decades and make believe were are happy, fake it til I make it? Am I simply faced with a real life Kobayashi Maru test? (Star Trek fans will get this one). Is this just a situation were there is no clearly winnable outcome? Again to another point BFTG, indeed what is the end game here when faced with such a test?
And yes Impacted honesty is a key foundational stone for my life philosophy too, it defines my soul. So of all the bullshit that I try and come to terms with, that is one that threatens our very existence today and any path forward. Because without it the structure will not stand. I have seen in her movements to be more honest and that gives me hope. But then she will lie to my face so sincerely and casually about something unimportant and trivial which then puts me into a tail spin of "If she lies about the little stuff, what about the big stuff?" I truly am hoping that after some IC sessions we can return for some MC work and we can work out with the therapists help among other things, why the deception is SO damaging for me.
Sorry for just rambling on. I as you can see don't have a lot of answers but I do know though that typing this out for you kind and compassionate people and hearing your thoughts has truly been a life line and for that I can only simply say Thank You.