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I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later - part 2

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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 5:30 PM on Monday, July 24th, 2023

IOB

So glad you are back. I hope you enjoyed your time away. I guess your wife’s most hidden truths are still something she is too ashamed of to reveal. I guess she just can’t trust that when you say you would rather have the truth it is real. Does she think you don’t know yourself? These marriages are so long that sometimes maybe you do think you know your spouse better than they know themselves. Do you think she still tells herself that she is protecting you or is she protecting herself? Do you think she just compartmentalizes it all and just never even looks at it unless you bring it up?

On another note…does she keep the boundaries you have established in the present tense? Does that get easier with time?

I’m feeling the most triggered I have in months. Things were going so so well for a while and then yesterday it all blew up. Sp sad/

Anyway, welcome home. You are appreciated.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8800728
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, July 25th, 2023

Stillconfused2022 thank you for the kind words. I think every point you made fits in one way or another. I think shame is a big factor. I believe she truly regrets what she did and dealing with the discovered and admitted affair has been so difficult for both of us that she wants to leave that part of her life, that woman, behind. And to admit there was more would be shameful for the woman she has become. And I also think that she believes she is protecting me. But these little slips of tongue where some truth leaks out causes me to believe there is so much more to the truth iceberg that I can’t see. And so that "protection" for me becomes the opposite as it erodes my trust. She does seems to be able to compartmentalize and simply store those thoughts, feelings, and memories away until something happens that causes her to have to look at them again. She rarely brings them out by herself, usually it happens as a result of a conversation evolving to touch on those topics.

It is interesting you mentioned boundaries as that is a topic that I have discussed with my therapist recently. She has suggested that perhaps I was/am too safe for my wife. Her thinking is that my wife repeatedly had crucial and foundational boundaries obliterated. The boundaries that many of us take for granted such as a parent would not force us to have sex with them, for her where shattered. The monster under her bed was real and crept into her room night after night and did unspeakable things. The normal for her became that boundaries did not exist or were meant to be crossed. As a result when we were married that all changed dramatically. No boundaries were being regularly crossed and so for her this was an unfamiliar existence. And that perhaps to feel "normal" she had to cross some boundaries, like the wedding vows we committed to. But it does feel like she honors those boundaries today and for the last few years (maybe more) as well, so yes it does seems like that has gotten better with time.

I am so sorry your pain has come back full force to consume you yet again. Do you think your husband believes he also is protecting you from more pain? It seems that he like my wife, perhaps subconsciously, maybe out of guilt, let some truth be know from time to time. I sadly believe he had to care about her at least some given the nature of their relationship. I know how damn bad it feels to hear that, know that, but I think we are not being true to ourselves if we believe the he/she meant nothing lies. Their AP did mean something to them. The only solace I can give myself and hopefully you to yourself, is the fact that they are with us now and not their AP and are making efforts to help us heal. Whether or not that is successful remains to be seen but, know that you deserved better! That I deserved better! And that I share your sorrow, anger, heartache and damage of belief in something we hold very close to our hearts. I hope your current low softens soon and you find brighter days ahead.

[This message edited by IOnceBelieved at 3:56 AM, Wednesday, July 26th]

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8800833
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 1:20 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

I have had some experiences over the last 6-8 months that I have been obsessively thinking about her past undisclosed infidelities and I wonder if this is something that anyone else has experienced. Ever since I have become aware that there are probably other affairs that I don’t know about, there are some places I drive by that I get a gut reaction to. Sort of a feeling of queasiness and unease. Like slightly remembering a bad dream that doesn’t come completely into focus. It just feels like my wife did something there with someone else years ago that I don’t know about. And one of those places is a trailer court and one day as we drove by I asked her who it was that we knew that used to live there. She said a name that was correct and someone I don’t think she was with. But then said something that feels like a tell when she said "I was never in that trailer court". I never implied that or asked her if she was, she just felt compelled to adamantly deny she had ever been there. Between that and my gut feelings I just have to wonder if I am somehow remembering/feeling residual energy from an old unknown affair that happened there. Or is this an artifact of obsessive thinking and I am just letting my imagination get the better of me? My question is has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? And more importantly, has anyone had this experience and then later had it validated?

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8801894
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Are you typically very intuitive and/or psychic?

As for your wife's response, she knows her past infidelities are a topic that you're chewing on right now, right? She's probably feeling very defensive, and her comment might not mean anything. Or it might be a tell. Hard to know, which is tough.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1335   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8801920
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 8:31 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Or is this an artifact of obsessive thinking and I am just letting my imagination get the better of me? My question is has anyone else ever experienced anything like this? And more importantly, has anyone had this experience and then later had it validated?

Personally, my experience was less having feelings about specific places but rather times in our life and how my wife was acting and I was being treated. I had intuition in real time I was being cheated on but she denied it when I confronted her. Other times, I had that same "intuition" but didn’t confront her and it eventually faded.

Many years later after retiring, I got "in my head" (much like it appears you are) and I became obsessed with ""what is my history and how many times did my wife cheat" without going into all the details, it turns out every time I thought or "felt" she was cheating, she was. Every…..single….time. Whether I confronted her and she lied or whether I just "felt it" but didn’t confront. Also, a few times when I didn’t suspect anything….


So, call it "gut" or "intuition" or whatever. I am a FIRM believer that we should go with what we "feel in our souls" is the truth.

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8801963
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RaleighGuy ( member #75271) posted at 3:46 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

ImaChump: Thanks for your comments. So far, I know only about one long term affair she had. After reading books and spending endless hours reading about infidelity on the internet, it seems universally accepted that if a spouse has one Physical/Emotional LTA, it is quite likely he/she will do so again. And this seems to be especially true if there are seriously harmful factors in the affair. Examples: cheating with best friend, cheating with brother or sister, producing a child, cheating while wife is pregnant et al. In my case the harmful factor is she cheated right up till our wedding day and continued it immediately afterward. In other words: Our entire marriage is a sham. She lied on the altar.....which in my mind has totally invalidated our marriage.

That's the main reason for my post......to see if others share - or do not share - that same belief based on their own experience. I am getting trickle truth from her at a glacial pace. The affair with her coworker turns out to be MUCH longer than what she had fessed-up to......and the timeline is still expanding. She's just admitted to continuing to see him after I discovered the affair. That's not only a real kick in the gut, it really pisses me off to a level only another betrayed spouse would understand. How could she do that?!?! Who is this monster I'm married to?!?!

Looking back to that time, I didn't see some of the strong signals she was cheating. Or perhaps I didn't want to see them. My wager is that my story will end up being quite similar to yours when all the truth is found out.

Stillconfused2022: Wowzer! I am nowhere within 100 miles of where you are in terms of acceptance. Also envy the fact he told you about the affair. Wish mine had. To me, a WS who comes out and admits a previously unknown affair is likely to be seriously sorry and ashamed. That would be one of a million factors in deciding whether to leave or stay - and it carries a heavy weight tilted towards staying. Really hope to be in your shoes as soon as possible. Trying to make good decisions when I'm this wrought with emotion is difficult.

livebythesea:
"During our conversation he said "I didn’t want to hurt her feelings". Can you imagine!"

Not only can I imagine it, I had the same experience. Shortly after she finally admitted to the affair extending beyond our wedding, I asked her why she simply could not stop. Her answer? She didn't want to hurt his feelings. Yes.....I have walked in your shoes. My first question to her might resonate with you: "You were worried about hurting his feelings? Really? How about my feelings? You know, ME - the guy your supposed to be married to!"

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8802035
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 4:29 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

RaleighGuy said:

it seems universally accepted that if a spouse has one Physical/Emotional LTA, it is quite likely he/she will do so again. And this seems to be especially true if there are seriously harmful factors in the affair. Examples: cheating with best friend, cheating with brother or sister, producing a child, cheating while wife is pregnant et al. In my case the harmful factor is she cheated right up till our wedding day and continued it immediately afterward. In other words: Our entire marriage is a sham. She lied on the altar.....which in my mind has totally invalidated our marriage.

That's the main reason for my post......to see if others share - or do not share - that same belief based on their own experience. I am getting trickle truth from her at a glacial pace. The affair with her coworker turns out to be MUCH longer than what she had fessed-up to......and the timeline is still expanding. She's just admitted to continuing to see him after I discovered the affair. That's not only a real kick in the gut, it really pisses me off to a level only another betrayed spouse would understand. it seems universally accepted that if a spouse has one Physical/Emotional LTA, it is quite likely he/she will do so again. And this seems to be especially true if there are seriously harmful factors in the affair. Examples: cheating with best friend, cheating with brother or sister, producing a child, cheating while wife is pregnant et al. In my case the harmful factor is she cheated right up till our wedding day and continued it immediately afterward. In other words: Our entire marriage is a sham. She lied on the altar.....which in my mind has totally invalidated our marriage.

That's the main reason for my post......to see if others share - or do not share - that same belief based on their own experience. I am getting trickle truth from her at a glacial pace. The affair with her coworker turns out to be MUCH longer than what she had fessed-up to......and the timeline is still expanding. She's just admitted to continuing to see him after I discovered the affair. That's not only a real kick in the gut, it really pisses me off to a level only another betrayed spouse would understand.

Some interesting things to "unpack" here. For what it’s worth, my WW hit on some of the "seriously harmful factors" you call out as indicative of subsequent affairs. My WW’s first two affairs were when she was pregnant with our first two children. How heinous is that? When you are having a child together (much like getting married), that should be a time when a couple is closest and building bonds as a family. Not fucking other men!

Also you mentioned your WW continuing to see her AP after you discovered the affair….

During my my WW’s second affair, she became cold and told me she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I asked if there was someone else. She said yes but they hadn’t slept together (I believe this to be true at the time). Really it was the early days of an EA. I staked our her work and followed her when she left. She pulled into a parking lot and it was obvious she was waiting on someone. She spotted me and fled back to work. When she came home, we fought and she took my son and left to her mother’s house. I thought we were "done". The next day she calls and asks to come home. I say "yes, but it must end with the boyfriend" she agrees.

On D-Day (35 years later), I find out it didn’t end. She saw him for 7-8 more months and although it hadn’t become sexual when I caught her, it did. She fucked him in our house while pregnant with our daughter while my son slept in another room. Why come back if you had no plans to end it? Why bring another child into a marriage when you are actively cheating?

So I truly "get" the "kick in the nuts", how fucked up it all is and how you feel your life was stolen.

Trickle truth and minimizing along with outright lies were my WW’s MO.

I can’t offer much in the way of "how you get past it" because I haven’t and I’m not sure I will. We’re 11 weeks into a "break" in Recovery work and I feel like we will never resume.

Just know there are others out there in situations just as shitty or even worse. I understand your pain because I’m living it too. I hope you don’t find yourself tripping over multiple APs like me because what you have is already "too bad to bear".

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:52 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8802042
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RaleighGuy ( member #75271) posted at 4:47 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Stillconfused2022:

"These marriages are so long that sometimes maybe you do think you know your spouse better than they know themselves."

After nearly 48 years of dating, engagement and marriage, I can practically look right into her soul and KNOW if she is lying or holding information back. I'm sure that's a two way street.......and accounts for why she is so worried about what I am going to do.......She KNOWS something is in the works. Actually, I am enjoying seeing her sweat and don't feel badly about it at all.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8802045
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RaleighGuy ( member #75271) posted at 5:04 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

ImaChump:

Funny you should mention paternity checks. Just mailed two Ancestry DNA kits - mine and my WW. She swears our boys are both mine and submitted willingly to the test. Although this is one of the very few things for which I believe she is telling the truth, I also happen to believe in the old saying: Trust but Verify.

Next I am going to gift other DNA kits to our two adult children under the guise of a new found interest in genealogy.

The thing is, as she trickles more truth about how long her affair (the one I know about) lasted we are getting closer and closer to when our first child was conceived. For years there are things that have made me wonder about whether he's biologically mine.

Time to find out...........

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2020
id 8802048
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:53 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8802050
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 9:23 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

IAC and RG, I really feel your pain. I can’t imagine dealing with the stuff you are talking about. The best I can say is that before I was married I was in a long term relationship and I cheated on that guy (there is a reason for this story). I was a jerk, I wasn’t married but it was still crappy and cruel. I was in the 19-21 age range and immature. My dad and grandfather had cheated and I was deathly afraid of being cheated on and somehow went and did the same thing. At 51 now I look back at that person and think I sucked. I never wanted to be that person again. The guy I cheated with came to my wedding cuz he was part of our group of college friends. I danced with him at our wedding. I never ever had anything romantically to do with him after I met my H. But my point is that my crappy behavior came up really close to the time I was married. Is it possible your wife/wives were similarly crappy people back then but then got better. I am grasping at straws here, which is what I do. I try to see it in a better light. Maybe that is pointless. I just hate to see you guys in this kind of pain because I know it all too well.

It is interesting that I sound like I have some acceptance. I am 12 mo post the real D-day after cheating which occurred almost 8 years ago. For the first 6 months my brain literally refused to believe it happened. Like full block, absolutely would not compute. I have accepted some things. He liked the flattery of this other person. Okay I can accept that. Part of the reason it dragged on a bit was that he was afraid to fire her because she might accuse him of sexual harassment. Yup, that makes sense to me. He waited 7 years to tell me because he was terrified. I accept that because he has an incredibly avoidant personality and since he’s finally working on that maybe I can accept that.

There is a box of things I dont fully look at yet. I can’t accept them. I am going to try to look at them for the purposes of this post because this « Found Out Year’s Later » forum feels like the most safe place:

- did he have romantic feelings for her (IOB already told me he must have but its something I still can’t accept. So I go through all kinds of mental gymnastics like « some guys don’t have feelings for the women they cheat with…he got her fired twice very publicly and somewhat cruelly…he says horrible things about her now….she’s older than us and yucky looking…he’s a little autistic and not much capable of feeling even in a marriage…he’s a surgeon and loved feeling like a big shot whose secretary came on to him so he milked it for a few months before firing her. » You get the idea. These are all my justifications so I don’t have to accept the idea of him having romantic feelings for her. Because, in my mind if that were true we would be done. I don’t think I could live with it. But….I never thought I could live with any of this so maybe I am just wrong. Maybe if that trampy ex-secretary came to me with some love poem he wrote her or something I would sob for a month and then try to get over it. I just don’t know. And until he comes and admits he had feelings for her I choose to live in my little illusion bubble.

- can’t accept that he had his hands on her body-literally just don’t think about that. That is my only coping strategy on that one

- can’t accept that he brought her to our kids school while my special needs son was on the campus. They sat on a bench and talked apparently. Like, go find a freaking park like normal cheaters. I have no words for what I think of a cheating couple that makes that choice.

- can’t accept that on my birthday he let her come back to his office to work for him (after he told me she had been let go…turned out it was only a 6 week family & medical leave they concocted. So she had to be fired again. Then she joined a company they merged with so she had to be fired again)

- can’t accept he told her she was attractive

- can’t accept they held hands once

These are the big things: In my view if I don’t one day accept these we will probably have to separate. But what do I know.

I hope these genealogy things work out for you RG. Truly truly. Saying prayer now.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 9:29 PM, Thursday, August 3rd]

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8802073
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 3:18 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

SacredSoul33 no not psychic that I am aware of or any such skills. Also good point about her being aware that I am digging for info and she could just be defensive for that alone. Thanks for the perspective.

Ima I also have similar feelings over time frames. And when I have second guessed my gut most of the time it turns out I should have trusted it. So that coupled with your experiences makes me think that I should be open to those feelings being real as much or more as it may be my obsessive thinking and overactive imagination. And still I get new epiphanies and dreams about a person or situation that I now wonder "was something going on then, or with them." I can for periods of time stop adding fuel to the fire with new suspicions but then they just spontaneously start up again. There is a lot I have had to accept as not trustworthy but my gut so far has a pretty good track record and so yes, I will continue to trust it.

RaleighGuy I am just so sorry your marriage was a damn lie right from the start. And yes I also believe that the commitment we made was breached when the affair was discovered. You however never got a second of living in that commitment and that is just a horrible f*cking thing to happen to anyone. I now believe my WW may have started in the 3rd year of our marriage so I kind of understand that from the beginning I was living in a lie. When we decided to R she was back maybe a month or so and my gut told me something was wrong. So I installed a phone call recording gizmo and caught her talking to him with love language and sex talk and that was truly a kick in the nuts that nearly tipped me into a nervous breakdown. So yes I know that pain. To return to that bastard after she committed to trying to make our marriage work was the stuff of crazy making. That for me hurt more that the initial D-Day. And I like you think after that I just did not pay close enough attention because for one is was exhausting trying to check up on her all the time and second I think I was perhaps protecting myself from any more pain that I was simply unable to handle. And so for nearly 4 decades I rug swept.

Livebythesea I too know the pain of "I did not want to hurt their feelings." And for me it has been recently that has happened. On one of the rare occasions that we talk about him I asked why she continued to have anything to do with him after she said she was coming back to me and she said "I felt sorry for him because he was caught in the middle". Oh… Super… yeah he deserved that since he was the one who took a vow of commitment to you. He was the one who had a child then with you. Screw that and him and any feelings you had for each other. Perhaps you can pick up from my tone that I too am still angry. Some days are better than others.

So the DNA journey has been interesting. Last fall we both had it done and honestly I was contemplating in detail what I would do if our second son was not mine. I would NOT have stayed! Turns out he is mine but both of us have different fathers. So there is that additional set of emotions to sort through. And a topper for me is that she is angry at her mother, for get this, not telling her the truth. Holy crap! While she lies through her teeth and avoids coming clean to me she has the gall to judge her mother for the exact same thing. Ughhhh! RaleighGuy I truly hope your kids are yours. You have been dealt a shitty enough hand as it is. You deserve a break.

Lastly we all come here to vent and find comradery and solace for the pain we all share. Certainly not to add any more pain to our plates. I fear that is what I have done to you Stillconfused2022. I really feel bad that I have derailed one of your coping mechanisms that we all so desperately need. My belief and acceptance that she had feelings for him is mine only. And for me to project that on your reality was wrong and I am sorry. All of your mental gymnastics reasons are valid. I don’t know him and so for me to make assumptions is unfair. I will say this that for me I can’t deny they had sex, even though I desperately want to, no more than I can deny she had feelings for him. But the sex did end. And I believe the feelings did too. There are still many can’t accepts for me too and some days staying seems overshadowed by them. But here I am and still with her and trying to find my way out of this dark maze.

So thank you all for holding a light for me from time to time to help me see more clearly my surroundings and figure out which path next to choose that will hopefully deliver me from this awful labyrinth.

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8802116
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 4:00 AM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

Still confused 2022 said:

But my point is that my crappy behavior came up really close to the time I was married. Is it possible your wife/wives were similarly crappy people back then but then got better. I am grasping at straws here, which is what I do. I try to see it in a better light. Maybe that is pointless. I just hate to see you guys in this kind of pain because I know it all too well.

Thanks for the "positive spin" and vulnerability in disclosing your own affair when young/prior to marriage. My last few posts were in response to specific other posts so it was mainly "limited to relevant points". My wife was a crappy/immature person when I married her and cheated before we were even married a year. She blamed it on "being scared of being married" and "getting married too young and not getting to sew her oats". Our MC even fed into this BS (although it could have been true for the initial affairs) by saying she was "young and scared". This shit went on for 20 years. She was 42 during her final affair. So she never got "better". I say this because she cheated for 20 years, sabotaged our marriage to "justify" her cheating, lied by omission (or directly) for 18 more years, lied all through disclosures and multiple D-Days (along with minimizing, blame shifting and trickle truthing) and half-assed the recovery work. She can’t talk about her affairs without melting down and asked for a "break" from doing recovery work (which will be 12 weeks on Tuesday). All the characteristics that allowed her to cheat are still there, she just isn’t currently screwing or blowing other men.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:55 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8802125
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 3:28 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

I’m sorry. That’s just terrible. Where do you come out on whether you would be in less pain if you didn’t have to see her everyday. I can imagine someone suggesting that to me and I am not sure what I am afraid of. It feels hard to do. To just walk away after so many yers. And are we too broken up inside by all this to just go start fresh with someone new. Or just be alone - will the thoughts still come crashing in or will there be some peace. I am glad you have a firm timeline in your case. That sounds like such a good idea.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8803212
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

I’m sorry. That’s just terrible. Where do you come out on whether you would be in less pain if you didn’t have to see her everyday. I can imagine someone suggesting that to me and I am not sure what I am afraid of. It feels hard to do. To just walk away after so many yers. And are we too broken up inside by all this to just go start fresh with someone new. Or just be alone - will the thoughts still come crashing in or will there be some peace. I am glad you have a firm timeline in your case. That sounds like such a good idea.

Initially, my "gut" after D-Day was to leave. Too much cheating for too long and too heinous. My WW begged me to stay then did nothing to facilitate recovery. I found an MC, I found articles, books and videos, I "drove the bus". A month in was a 3 day long D-Day 2. She had been withholding additional APs and minimizing and lying about the ones she had disclosed. Again, I was "done" but she cried and begged me to stay and vowed to "make it right". She obsessively "did the work" for a few weeks but anytime we discussed the affairs, she became a broken, crying mess. I had a goal we could come out of this as "one" and true life partners. She just isn’t capable. All the poor attributes are still there. She isn’t willing to do the hard work to help herself and me heal.

I initially thought splitting after so many years would be the worst of two shitty options. Seeing her selfishnesses, deceit and unwillingness to do the work has me rethinking my options.

I have many reasons for giving it time. Not least is me being able to say "hey, I was willing to reconcile and I tried". But at some point you have to stop throwing "good time after bad". And I don’t have another 40 years to waste.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:57 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8803323
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 1:23 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

Ima I am sick that we are both facing the same conclusion. I have come to the sad realization that she is just simply incapable of helping me heal. Oh she pays it great lip service, give her life to take it back, blah blah. But just will not engage in doing the work. Sounds like you got some effort but obviously not enough. I have been desperately fighting slipping into resentment but some days it beats me. I try and put on a brave face and focus on the good but then I slide back and she is pissed again because I have not let it go. Last night she stormed off to bed because I was working on a post here. Never asks what it's about or how it helps just jeleous that she does not have 100% of my attention. Been that way our whole marriage thougb. My friend I for the life of me do not have an answer as to why we were dealt this hand but it is so damn hard. Apparently there is a lesson here or debt to pay, I don't know. It's the painful life lessons I have never forgotten and brother this one will last multiple life times. I will rejoice on the day you post she has come around and you are back on track. Until that day, and I know you know this, but I am there with you my friend. I KNOW your pain and you are not alone.

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8803350
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 1:57 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

IOB

Quick question…what happens when you say go for a quiet dinner and then say…you know it kind of hurts me when you see me using a healthy coping mechanism, like posting on SI and that seems to make you angry. It seems unkind that you don’t want me to get some soothing for one of the greatest pains in my life. It isn’t me being angry at you, it is just me trying a way to not carry anger about something that happened to me…

Just wondering…

BTW, question for everyone:

Do your wives/husbands essentially think you are supposed to « get over this »? Are they not on board with the fact that you are always going to carry this pain with you on some level? I could see them wanting you to not take your anger out on them this far out. But they do realize you are going to always have some anger inside you about it? Or are they not even getting that?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 1:58 AM, Saturday, August 5th]

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8803352
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 12:04 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

IOnceBelieved said

Sounds like you got some effort but obviously not enough. I have been desperately fighting slipping into resentment but some days it beats me. I try and put on a brave face and focus on the good but then I slide back and she is pissed again because I have not let it go. Last night she stormed off to bed because I was working on a post here. Never asks what it's about or how it helps just jeleous that she does not have 100% of my attention. Been that way our whole marriage thougb.

Yes, there had been "some" effort. She took an 8 week course through another Infidelity website but sort of half-assed it. She got pissed the very first session because she was the only one in the course with multiple APs. Always "comparing herself" and not liking the cold hard reality when she doesn’t "measure up" or she perceives herself to be "the worst one", etc.

Really, it has been manic a few times. She would spend every waking hour working on things in short (2-3 week) bursts only to "burn herself out and stop for long periods of time. But even when she was "working hard", it was more about "activity" than "output". I would ask what she did and get "I read a book" or "I watched videos", etc. But then I would have to literally "dig out of her" what are your "takeaways" or "what did you learn". Exhausting for me.

At the end of the day, she just wants to "throw it all up in the air and move on" aka "rug sweep". In the past, I have called her out when she goes into "lulls" and gotten the momentum going. This time I won’t. When she asked if we could "take a break" on discussing the past/doing the recovery work, I sat her down and discussed the "cost" of that. Basically that it means I give up on recovery, becoming "one" with her and finally becoming the "life partners" we have never been. I told her I doubt we will ever resume. She swore to "prove me wrong". Well, almost 12 weeks and counting for our "break".

She never asks me how I’m doing or if there is anything she can do. I think she’s trying to "throw it all in the air and move on".

Like you said, she gets mad when she feels like she doesn’t have 100% of my attention. She blamed my "lack of attention" and her need for attention and validation for her reasons for cheating. But she always treated me as her 4th or 5th priority. She sabotaged the marriage to justify her cheating. She withheld sex. Yet, she expects my undying love and devotion despite doing absolutely nothing to make me feel that way.

After D-Day, I told her I’m not "in love" with her anymore. Without doing anything, she would randomly ask me "are you back in love with me yet". I finally said "no, and doing nothing to improve our relationship and repair the damage you have done while leaving me to suffer alone isn’t going to magically make me love you either". Pouts….

Maybe a light will go off. But this is who she is and has been for the 42 years I’ve known her.

@StillConfused

Like I said above, my WW wants to "rug sweep". She doesn’t expect this to "disappear". She laments this "will always be between us" but is more focused on her "guilt and shame" than my pain.

Also, even though the actual cheating was years ago, D-Day was just over a year ago. So she also gets for me "this wasn’t a long time ago" in the sense it is for her. But she also thought she had "gotten away with it" and could "take this to her grave".

In her head, she "knows" what she needs to do. She has even beaten herself up some for it. But her Intimacy Avoidance wins out and she goes into her state of "wishing it all away". I am truly focused on things she is or isn’t doing now as opposed to the past. My problem is she is really a "dry drunk" who has all her "issues" but isn’t actively "acting out". I just know if the roles were reversed, I would kill myself making her whole. She can’t be bothered to do the same for me….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:59 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me: BH (61)

Her: WW (61)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 151   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8803379
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 6:53 AM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

Had thought things were going better. Started discussing the things we would need to resolve to « move on », which is a phrase I had never even been comfortable approaching before. Sadly we started talking about a memory he has never confirmed where maybe he met her at this park but he is not sure. Maybe it was his sister. This is the story. I just finally called BS on this. If they went there then I am 100% sure he remember it. At least the basic details like who asked who to go there and in what season did it occur. We are talking about something 7-8 years ago and he does not have dementia. He doesn’t understand why its important. I told him he didn’t need to understand why it was important. The point is he KNOWS so either swear on your life it didn’t happen because you don’t remember it and you WOULD remember. Or admit it happened. I refuse to accept this maybe nonsense because would definitely know for sure. The conversation didn’t end well…predictably. So much for moving on. Guess we’re just not ready.

posts: 393   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8804269
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Mr. Kite ( member #28840) posted at 5:19 PM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

I've been on SI since 2010 and avoided this section of the forum because I didn't think it applied to me. After reading through the entire 50 page thread and all of the posts on this one, I changed my mind.

D-Day1 was in August of 94 and I didn't find out about the A until 18 months later after we had moved from the West coast to the East coast. I'm one of those who is grateful I didn't know until later because, knowing the way I was back then, I would have ended up in prison.

My WW was a physical therapy assistant and the AP was one of her patients(a cop). I got the usual name, rank, and serial number b.s. "We only did it three times, I don't love him, it's your fault," etc. blah, blah, blah.

So we went to MC, IC, counseling by pastors in the churches we attended and got re-baptized and renewed out marriage vows.

But then another 18 months later came D-Day2. "Back in those days I was in love with another man but we didn't have sex." And I'm supposed to believe that? If I was a balloon then WW took a sharp needle and punctured it permanently. All the air went out of it along with whatever trust, self-confidence, and self-esteem I had built back up.

Since then it's been year after year of trickle-truth. WW is an impenetrable wall. God forbid I mention anything about her A's because then the claws come out along with screaming, yelling, and threats of divorce. And she's not thrilled either about me being on this site.

Why not bail out? There was a baby to raise. Our DS was 2 at the time of the first A. Btw what kind of screwed-up individual has sex with another man and then comes home to her baby and her husband, kisses them and acts like everything's fine and normal? It's monstrous! Then it was about ruining myself financially. Now we're both in our early 70's and have been together for over 41 years. Sigh.

Tomorrow I have my first appointment with an EMDR counselor so I can begin to deal with depression, anxiety, and anger. Btw yesterday I found something called PTED, post-traumatic-embitterment-disorder which describes where I'm at exactly. We're not allowed to post links on here so google it.

It's so sad to read the stories of infidelity on here. Truly sorry for all your pain and suffering. I can relate.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Jun. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 8804476
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