SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(my H had 2 EAs: 1 month with OMW emails/1 kiss, 2 weeks w OMW#2 email/hugs)

I did at first, then quickly realized I needed to stop because I was not them, it wasn't healthy, it was holding me back from healing, and I learned to be happy/Thankful that there is only one me.
when I did my research: 1 was blonde, 4 years older than me, a yoga instructor, married for much longer than we were
the other was.. "pretty", married for about 8 years at the time, fostered kids, did surrogacy...I could go on but the details of them don't really matter. The one thing these women had in common is that they were trying to fill a void, weakly build their low self-esteem, and justified their selfish actions with poor excuses to feed their egos.

When I asked him why them, and what was it about them, he said it wasn't that he found them more attractive, it was how easy and accessible they were to get the attention he wanted. He admits that if he hadn't stopped it probably would have turned physical since the more attention he received that is when he began finding them attractive.

Whether you ask your husband or not, ask yourself:
1. How do I feel when I'm thinking about them/looking them up?
2. Does this in any way help my healing process?
3. What are 3 things I love about myself/that make me unique?

I compare myself to me when I was an AP. I was younger, thinner, and objectively prettier when I was 20 than I am now at 54.

I was also seriously fucked up, with flexible morals, low self-esteem, and a desperate thirst for self-validation. My H would never trade the me I am now for the me I was then.

I struggled hard with this because my WH was carrying on with OnlyFans women. Yes- they were definitely physically more attractive than me. But I had remind myself they were fantasies...they were not going to be ones there for the tough times. They were not the ones taking care of our family business, they were not the ones taking care of our home, of our child, etc. They were not the ones being faithful. They were really one-dimensional - just empty ego kibbles - that he was paying dearly for. Paying women to look at his weenie.

It took IC and wise words from others going through this to get me past the depression & feelings of I would never be enough.

I haven't read the previous post, but I can answer the question.

I compared myself to every woman my H "liked" more than me. The last one, I didn't have to compare myself, he did it for me.

His were EA's, but the last one was all encompassing. I had to dress, cook, act, pray, parent, decorate and listen to him with adoring eyes like she did. Or he wouldn't be pleased with me. He was never pleased with me.

Trouble was, I was already comparing myself to every other woman my H interacts with and finding myself deficient. His criticisms and comparisons only added fuel to the fire.

He didn't have to sleep with these women for me to feel less than. I already knew that, in his mind and mine, I was.

ETA: now that I've looked through the previous posts, we are both coming to see that H was attracted to the fantasy of the "pretty picture" these women offered from the outside- the cleaned up for company version of themselves. He is realizing that the last EA, she was behaving seductively toward him, intentionally or not. He understands that I am a straightforward person and not very seductive. He's not there yet with really seeing and understanding on a gut level that most people advertise themselves, they don't really give you the true experience up front.

My healing has taken several years and a TON of IC. I also chose to have an A and had to heal from that as well. While I can't say that I'm objectively better than any of the other women H was attracted to, I can say that I am more real to him than any of them ever were or ever will be. That was my growth.

His... he still needs to make peace with being "stuck" with me and not having the "perfect woman" that he feels he deserves. He's still in the "unmet needs" place in our M some days.

I know for me, giving up on the idea of the "perfect" person who would love me just as I am "perfectly" was a difficult thing to give up on and was one of the character flaws that led to my A. It took a lot of work to know that I had to love ME and I was responsible for how I felt about ME. That H's opinion of me had to be 2nd to my opinion of me.

Long way of saying, I hope you can find that place of peace and know that you can love yourself so well that whether or not your H shares that same love becomes irrelevant. Then the comparisons between yourself and the "competition" will stop.

[This message edited by MIgander at 6:03 PM, Tuesday, March 14th]

After DDay I sure did. I had dozens of photos. All flattering. Many nudes. Several quasi pornographic. And some of them in bed together. They DESTROYED me. Seriously.

Now - I'm described by many as a Modern Day Marilyn. I get compliments every time I go out in public. I'm a bombshell even in my mid 50s (I frequently pass for much younger). And that day I found out and saw those photos, I felt like nothing. Every time I saw myself in a mirror I'd say to the reflection "no wonder". Every time I had to shower I sobbed until I puked because I had to touch my unworthy body to wash it. I could go on. You get it.

Then...slowly...deliberately...I stood the fuck up. Before the A, I was a BASGU [bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn] and I missed her. I missed that BASGU of awesomeness that was me. So I slowly started to reclaim myself. For me. And it was hard. And took a lot of time.

I started fixing myself up just because I felt like it. In the Land of Chaos I may have been in PJs scrubbing the bathtub but was wearing pink sparkly undies and lipgloss. I sent window shopping alone because I was good company. I took myself on coffee dates because there was something soothing about slowly sipping and savoring good cup of coffee. I rediscovered old hobbies - I crochet like mad. I got to make something productive [and the local cold weather shelter benefit from many hats and scarves] all while stabbing something with a stick and twisting. I went on long walks with my Pandora radio blaring old school punk rock music. I discovered audiobooks. Reading was always a passion yet I couldn't concentrate on the words in front of me. But audiobooks - my local library Libby app had a large selection from my favorite authors. I'd get in my car, drive mindlessly and listen to books. I'd even get a coffee if I was feeling decadent. U I bought a cheap silver bracelet (under $10 on Amazon) that says on the inside "KEEP FUCKING GOING" and I wore it every time I needed that reminder. I still do. It was power to me.

I took myself back. It was a long, slow process. And damnit - there was no 80s move music montage to go with it - but I did it anyway. I stood up. I took myself back.

And once again - I'm a BASGU. I know my worth now. And no @#($&Q#@)&~ of a LTAP will take that from me again. My self worth is not hers to take.

Honey most of us compare. It honestly doesn’t matter what she looks like or who is thinner, smarter, prettier.

It is more important than ever that you get back on your feet, and start valuing yourself. If you don’t value you, you will never be confident. Go see someone, (counsellor) but do whatever it takes for you to see yourself as wonderful as you are.

You are more than you give yourself credit for. When you are realize this you will know he was an idiot, and not assume any blame.

Affairs are selfish, it more about him than you. His issues.

Don’t compare. Get self confidence. Be kinder to yourself

You get over it by learning to love yourself. At first I compared to the AP as I stopped dressing nice, didn't do my hair or make up etc and didn't really look after myself. I then realised I stopped loving me and when I started looking after myself more, caring about how I looked and felt and what I ate etc I started to see her in a different light. I actually started to pity her and how crap her life has been that she goes from married man to married man. My husband betrayed me not her but she must have lower self esteem then I did to always be the other woman. I think it takes a confident, well rounded and happy person to be able to draw boundaries and stick to them. I have drawn my boundaries and know now that you should love yourself and remember you are number 1 and the love of another should be an addition/something nice to sprinkle on top. You don't NEED someone else to love you it should just be a nice thing to have. That way you are not dependant on it

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 11:46 AM, Sunday, March 19th]

Sure.

Her..a liar. A manipulator. Someone who attacks children. An abuser. A stalker. Desperate. Ugly on the inside,and outside. The worst thing my husband ever did.

Me..honest to a fault, kind,compassionate. I've worked with abuse/assault victims,and helped them move forward. Attractive. A great mother. And the best thing that's ever happened to my husband.

Comparatively? I win!

I think comparing is pretty normal. It's a natural reaction given our spouses "chose" someone over us. But the truth is, they chose themselves over us. Whatever ego kibbles or self-serving needs they had ... that's what they chose not another person.

Just look at the numbers. A very low percentage of spouses leave for the AP and even when they do, I think the success rate for those relationships is somewhere around 20%. If the AP was so great, those numbers would look very different.

Comparisons are normal but it's a dead end. With 8 billion people on the planet odds are pretty high that someone is better looking, smarter, more successful, better at sex, etc. So what? Does that mean we don't have value because someone out there, somewhere might be better at something than we are? No.

I truly believe that APs are the weakest of the pack. Read the "they always affair down thread" and if that doesn't convince anyone, go read the Other Woman threads on different sites. It's eye opening. The lack of intelligence, empathy, morals, etc is downright astounding. I mean jaw dropping astounding. I can't believe other humans go through life so unmoored and reckless. But here we are.

That's what our spouses found. Someone willing to demean themselves, take scraps and compete with another woman/man but only when the other woman (wife) / man (husband) has no clue so, you know, it's not exactly a fair fight.

All of it is beneath decent folks. It's junior high nonsense and it's appalling in the face of real life things like marriage, children, family and the future.

Yeah I did. And I am a million miles better than her by any metric you choose to use for measurement. It doesn't matter that she was younger and skinnier than me - on the inside she's rotten and empty and that's all she will ever be because she's a horrible person. You can wrap a turd in the prettiest sparkliest paper, but it's still a turd.

It also brought me a weird sort of comfort that people like Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston were both cheated on - that proves to me more than anything else that cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the BS. Cheating is all about the ws and their dysfunction.

Yes. For me I found it impossible not to for as much as I tried. My wife’s affair was essentially entirely physical and I learned extremely explicit details (videos, photos). I’d always been insecure in the bedroom (lack of experience, physical comparisons etc) and this made is 100x worse.

We have reconciled now and I have mostly been able to ‘put in a box’ these comparisons. We never would have been able to reconcile if I hadn’t. But I still think of them regularity and I think of them 100% of the times we are intimate. So it is something I’ll always carry with me.

Ps other than this issue I would describe our reconciliation as pretty successful.
Reece

Thank you all for your replies. I read through them carefully and thought about a lot of things. This is what I concluded:
1. I compare myself with the AP because my WH "chose" her while "rejecting" me. Therefore in my mind she must be better than I am.
2. I compare because I am insecure- I can’t help wonder if my WH is comparing me to her. He has not done or said anything for me to feel this way but I feel like I have to always look good, be funny, be interesting, etc.
3. I compare because I am jealous of her. My. WH was willing to throw away everything for her. He gave her attention and time. He told her he’s attracted to her and wanted to be with her. I have not heard a man tell me that in over 30 years. He pursued her. I have not had a man pursue me in 30 years. You get the picture. She got the romance while I got ignored, vilified, made to feel like I am worthless.
Anyway, thank you for your advice, encouraging words, and sharing your stories.

Cedar, I don’t know you. But I am willing to bet hat you have been hit on or at least sniffed around. you just weren’t receiving any of that. Your boundaries were so strong that you didn’t "get it".

You are fabulous. Exactly as you are. He chose the fantasy in his mind. Not some lowlife side piece.
Keep working on this. It’s hard, but worth the work.

And maybe borrow a little BAGSU from Chaos :-)