SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The title says it all. I sent a certified letter to the OBS with a high level, not graphically detailed timeline of my ww affair with her husband. Ww found out, and was very upset that I didn't think her safety. Yes, I get that she did it. Yes, I think the obs deserves to know and that's why i sent the letter. I didn't think there was any risk because I've stood outside the man's house before yelling after an incident in October, trying to get her to hear and to talk to me (he came out, that was fun, and his neighbors too. He said she was afraid of me. I asked what kind of Lil bitch does it make him look like for his wife to be scared to talk to me with him standing right there. No one in my family is scared of anybody if I'm standing right there, but I digress).

But it seems like she's not a violent type, but I admittedly don't know her at all. But WW is still the mother of my children, and I do love her and want her safe. And she can't fight even a little bit. So, if a lady attacked her, there's a good chance she'd get hurt. Does ww have a valid point? Is this something we should consider prior to telling OBS? I don't regret the letter. I definitely feel like OBS deserves to know. And I think WW is safe. Adults don't generally attack other adults in civilized society. It's not high school. We all have a lot to lose (if not AP would be catching a daily ass kicking for at least the next half decade, its only the risk of legal headaches stopping that).

Thoughts? Has this come up before?

Thanks and sending love to everyone.

Maybe if the OBS had a criminal record of violence or something like that, like if she were the meanest convict in Cell Block D, but no... I think your WW is making hay. If you stood out in front of the AP's house back in October and the OBS was home, she already knows anyway.

At the bottom line, if you're really worried about getting your ass beat, you don't screw someone else's spouse. Simple.
It's not the knowledge of the act which creates risk. It's the act itself. Your WW is ultimately the one responsible for the OBS's wrath because she perpetrated the act. Not you.

The snarky reply would be, "I assumed that you already considered any threat from her when you started screwing her husband." Probably not a helpful way to put it.

But the truth is that she is the one who put herself at risk through her own actions. And that risk will be there for the rest of her life. The only way to minimize that risk is to bring it out in the open right now so that the OBS can deal with the shock and grief as soon as possible.

Did she consider that she was putting you at risk with her A? Not only the potential STDs but violence from the OM. You might not like to consider that given your tough talk, but psychopathic APs deciding they want a WS all to themselves is a thing. And tough talk won't stop a bullet.

You did the right thing.

1 he needs real consequences. You standing outside his window proves nothing if you did not talk to her.

He still continued talking to cheat with your wife afterwards. So it obviously did not work.

By the way how did she find out?

You need to make sure the wife got the letter.

2 she will keep an extra eye on him and your wife.

3 she may contact you and give you more information or prove your wife is still cheating.

4 again some revenge is good.

Oh marine. I know you want to save your marriage but don’t be a martyr.

You matter. The number one person who needs healing is you.

You are still not safe and you cannot work on your marriage until safety has first been established.

Chameleon Tea gave you advise to go back and re read all your post from the beginning.

I thought the same thing one of you last post.

I’m worried she is moving you backwards.

I remember Tea also gave you a piece of advise when she was in the hospital for suicide (be carful as her disfunction could become the center of the relationship)

I am messing it up a little.

Go back and re read everything.

It’s still up to her to do most of the work. She has to try to save the marriage.

You need support, safety, love and healing.

So many things I could say.

Go back re read everything you wrote and what everyone wrote to you.

One last thing. We would feel bad if something tragic happened.

But it would be an anomaly.

If his wife showed up and gave you wife a few right hooks (I’m not saying you allow it) but make no mistake she deserves it.

Back to the point of safety. Do not let her manipulate you with fear.

Since you cannot trust you don’t know for sure if she’s worried for her physical safety or if she is worried about him. Or their relationship.

The reality is you do not know because you cannot trust anything she says.

Too snarky of a reply.

She took the risk. Not you. You are protecting your M, and doing the right thing by telling OBS.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 1:48 AM, Saturday, March 4th]

And what about your safety when your WW brought a total stranger into the very intimate confines of your marriage and home exposing you to potential STDs, possible crimes of passion, con artistry, risking financial security, and risk to your mental and physical health?

What instigated you sending the letter? When did the affair end?

If it had ended before now and you are working on reconciliation I would be asking why you sent it. The obs has as much right to reconcile or bury their head in the sand as much as the next person. I assume you don't know the wife so is this about protecting her or attacking him? Your wife might not be referring to physical safety but instead this may be concerning to her that you went there Oct and 5 months later are sending a letter. If you continue to do this it could be harassment and easily step into a criminal offence. The obs may not appreciate your efforts to tell her what she may already know.

I deeply sympathize with you, but I want to point out your mistake. The only guilty party in the affair is ONLY your WW. Yes, AP is POS, but your so-called wife is even worse. She betrayed you, she lied to you, she deliberately and consistently chose to fuck AP, not you. AP did not give you marriage vows and promises, therefore, he does not owe you anything. By blaming him, you justify the cheater and try to minimize her guilt.
Just as there is no rational reason for cheating, there is no rational reason to give a cheater a second chance.
I am very sorry, but there is no true reconciliation in the realm of feelings. If you stay, you will not have love, sincere mutual respect, friendship, sincere camaraderie and purity of marriage. It's all gone forever, and there's nothing you can do about it, and your wife can't do anything about it. If you are satisfied with friendly cohabitation as roommates, mandatory scheduled sex, when she gives you her body, not her soul (which obviously belongs to AP, no matter what she tells you), then full speed ahead to reconciliation.
I'm sorry for the harsh truth, but I want you to take off your rose-colored glasses and not wait in the future for something that will never happen...

How did she find out?
If you didnt tell her then somebody did. Since she thinks the OW is a ninja I doubt it was the the OW. That leaves one person out and that would indicate there is still communications...

From a WW perspective well beyond DDay, I just want you to know that telling the OBS was the right thing to do. You have sent your letter, now you can have peace with that.

As far as your WW’s safety goes, it can be a genuine concern. How many Dateline stories start with some sort of love triangle. The sad part is, I believe very few WS’s realize just how dangerous having an affair can be, not to mention the layers of that danger. Some have already mentioned the health risk like STDs but there is never a way of knowing the ripple effect of who our choices may impact. It was a shocking moment to me when I was able to comprehend that my AP carried a gun with him everywhere he went and that could be potentially dangerous to my husband and those around him. It literally had never occurred to me during the affair and that is sad.

So as genuine as her concern may be, unfortunately it is a reality she has to live with. She has to understand that it is a world that she willingly created and now she needs to take ownership of it.

It sounds like your wife has a lot of work to do. She isn’t safe for you at the moment either.

I am very sorry, but there is no true reconciliation in the realm of feelings. If you stay, you will not have love, sincere mutual respect, friendship, sincere camaraderie and purity of marriage. It's all gone forever, and there's nothing you can do about it, and your wife can't do anything about it. If you are satisfied with friendly cohabitation as roommates, mandatory scheduled sex, when she gives you her body, not her soul (which obviously belongs to AP, no matter what she tells you), then full speed ahead to reconciliation.

I just want to point out that just about everything said in this quote is a broad generalization and frankly untrue provided you have a WW willing to put in the difficult work it takes not just to reconcile but to heal on her own. I can say without a doubt in my mind that my husband is my best friend in this world and he feels the same of me. Our marriage is quite strong as result of the work we both put into it.

Not all marriages should be saved, however and you will need to decide for yourself whether it is worth the work and the risk to save yours.

Interesting how a wayward is never concerned about their safety when they're having an affair with another person's spouse...then suddenly become so concerned when the affair is over,and they're no longer having their fun. And,of course it's their BSs fault for being honest, and telling..not their fault for actually having the affair.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:45 PM, Saturday, March 4th]

How did she find out? If it was OM, then she broke NC.

Also, you’re wife is full of shit. If she was frightened of OBS, she wouldn’t have fucked her husband.

T/J -

LeoOmela,

I see that you have one post (at the time I'm writing this post), so I'm guessing you're either new to the world of being betrayed or an old hand who hasn't healed from previous betrayal.

Like WOEz, I'm disturbed by your counter-factual over-generalizations, which you should already know are a violation of SI guidelines.

I urge you to start a thread to share your story. to ask for the counsel you want, and to see if SI can help you heal.

End T/J

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:07 PM, Saturday, March 4th]

I didn't go back through the thread and get the details about your WW'S self harming, so I may ne talking out of my ass. If so, forgive me, but your WW probably knows you better than you know yourself, or at least will admit to. As a BS with a shitload of FOO issues, it has taken considerable work and even more pain to even begin to know myself. Your WW has been able to observe you from the outside and knows your patterns of behaviour, reactions, and default programming. So as a manipulator, she knows just what variables to put in play to get the outcome she wants.

I don't know you, but if I had to guess, your personality type may be one to save and fix things. Your up for a fair fight, but if your opponent is injured or disabled, then you back off, because anything else is ungentlemanly. (Did I spell that right?). But, you are not dealing with a lady.

There may be some truth to your WW's concerns depending on the circumstances, but it is also quite likely that telling you that she is afraid for her safety will illicit the desired response from you. She probably wants you to revert back to the role of KISA, which will, by default, allow her to slip into the role of princess again, thus avoiding the villain lable. I have a very strong codependent inclination and must prune myself regularly.

This is the 21st century, and if we are going to live as equals, something I support, then everyone must step up to the accountability counter for their full helping. The blowback is from your WW'S A, not from anything you did. You are already carrying a burden you did not request, no reason to carry hers. In fact, she should be asking what parts of your burden she can carry.

I would recommend stepping back and looking at your entire history objectively. Look for patterns of behaviour from both her and yourself. I find writing things down helps as I get muddled. I did this in my first post S relationship. I called it my Red Flag File. I kept notes on patterns of behaviour and incidents so that I could step back and objectively process them. Whati noticed was, taken on their own, each incident was not that serious, but taken aggregately, they revealed some very concerning patterns of behaviour, most likely the result of some personality issues.

Even 3 years out, when I begin to nostalgize the relationship, I open the file and read it. Then I take myself into a back room and kick my own ass for going there.

At the bottom line, if you're really worried about getting your ass beat, you don't screw someone else's spouse. Simple.

It's not the knowledge of the act which creates risk. It's the act itself.

Absolutely. Amazing how that never seems to be clear when a WS starts their journey into darkness. Their own family; the AP's family---none of it seems to register. Or even worse, is a calculated risk.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:18 PM, Saturday, March 4th]

Marine,

Like some others have mentioned, how did your WW find out?

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. A few people ask how she knows, and I feel like the class dunce having to answer honestly that I told her. During and argument I told her I had sent a letter to obs. Maybe that was the wrong move. I don't know. Everything you do feels like a wrong move. Just move after move after precarious move. Always on edge. But, yeah. I plan to do a bit of a broad update post soon, most likely on my post I did about a month ago to keep it in the same thread in JFO. Just need to get some time to write.

And yes, it does seem like I keep getting pulled back in. I see it too. I don't even like me right now. I'm frustrated with me. So, I get that I'm a frustrating guy to advise because it's like, "YOU KEEP DOING STUPID STUFF YOURE ADVISED AGAINST, DUMBASS!". Yup. I totally get. I feel it about my own damn self. But I'm not totally sucked back in, at all. I've been in regular contact with my attorney, and I'm developing plans if things continue to go badly. I'm being transparent with her about all that too, and I'm sure that's a tactical blunder, but I'm determined not to fuck her over even if I have to leave her. So I'm trying to be totally transparent with hee in hopes that she doesn't feel blindsided by what im doing and we can stay amicable Co parents if it goes that way, and also just because I love her and want to do right even in something as tough as ending a marriage. I'll update later.

What is more likely to happen is your wife seeks an order of protection against you because she says she is afraid of you.

Time to talk to an attorney and file to protect yourself. The likely hood of OBS doing harm to your WW is very small.