SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the things I have been thinking about lately is how my WS's attitude towards our dog was one of the most powerful indicators, in retrospect, that he was untrustworthy.

I have a coaster that has become my gospel. It reads: 'Never trust a person who does not love dogs.' A more accurate statement, for me, would be 'never trust your husband if he stops loving the dog.'

We have both always been dog-lovers. Our first 'baby' was our first dog.

Yet starting 3 years ago (when the A began), he became constantly angry and frustrated at our pets. When our two dogs died, he did not want a new dog. I had to call in the 'mid-life crisis' card to get him to agree. For the first year and half, he was resentful of the dog, even though he is the sweetest, funniest dog we have ever owned.

Now that we are in recovery (not yet decided if we will reconcile) and the affair is over, he is again loving and playful with our current dog. He is constantly amazed by what a good dog he is. He takes pictures of him constantly to send to our college-age child. As I type this, he is wrestling with him on the floor, just like the person he was 10 years ago.

So my truest lie detector seems to be his behavior toward the dog!

Did others have similar experiences? I am curious if others found that their pets were important affair-detector forces.

[This message edited by RecklessForgiver at 12:32 PM, Friday, March 3rd]

Yes very similar response my husband always was the one pushing for another dog, or cat. During the A we had a Dane and a Golden. He got tired of them being in our bedroom (that he was only in about 50% of the time). Made them all move to the basement for sleep and sometimes he would send them down in the evening during family time.

After .... within a year we were fostering a puppy, getting a Lab, raising ducklings in my dining room. He was back.

But yes it was a definite clue that he was out of his mind.

There is an old and time-tested way to determine character and that is to monitor how people treat those that might be considered subordinate or less lucky, rich, fortunate, gifted… than they are.
I guess that would also indicate pets…

Although… I do have a cat allergy so I stay away from them… regrettably.

Wh told me that he cheated because we had pets...
Another thing he blamed me for. This is how he really feels. He said the pets (most recently one cat he pretended in front of other people to care deeply for) took attention away from him that he deserved to have. I wish I was kidding as I type this.

Well I thought I was the only one who was guilty of giving my pets more attention than my husband and driving him to the OW because of the neglect!

WH was good with our cats during his A, but was neglectful and mean to our dogs. The dogs took up too much of his time you know, time better spent sexting and taking pictures of his junk.

I think it could certainly be because of the time that pets take away from you.

But I tend to think that it is more about how crappy they feel about themselves, and since love is so unconditional with pets, they resent the fact that pets aren’t holding them responsible.

That’s my Uneducated opinion.

What's the saying?

Lock your dog and your partner in the trunk of your car for an hour, and see which one is happy to greet you.

But I tend to think that it is more about how crappy they feel about themselves, and since love is so unconditional with pets, they resent the fact that pets aren’t holding them responsible.

That is definitely what I have been thinking, WhatsRight. The open affectionate nature of our dogs was a dark mirror for his own confusion and self-loathing.

That said, before recovery started, when the A was ongoing, there was definitely that rhetoric of resentment. The truth is that our current dog was adopted after the affair started and because of the affair. My WS was so cold, withdrawn, and mean that I needed a dog to be able to feel there was joy and happiness in my house.

Anyway, thanks to all for sharing your stories!

I found this post interesting. My WH has always been a dog lover. He loved our dog, in fact, that is how he met his EAP's. His attitude never changed with our dog, it only changed toward me. Unfortunately our dog passed recently and he wants another one. Sadly, I don't because it brings on the PTSD.

This is interesting. I'm more of an animal lover than WH, but I definitely noticed a difference in the way he interacted with the pets, it was noticeable enough my family commented on it. He was significantly less patient and tolerant with them, they seemed to constantly annoy him.

Now, he's out and the pets are with me.

My fWW loves our pets. Way more than me.

My fWW loves our pets. Way more than me.

This0is0Fine, I wonder if this is what my spouse would have said during his affair. I am pretty sure that is exactly what he thought (but I will have to ask him tonight). Like, did my affection for the dogs offend him because he felt I owed him more affection? He definitely still falls into the "I had unmet needs" defense, and perhaps he felt I was meeting the needs of dogs and kids over his. (Eye roll—because the adult response to an unmet need is a conversation, or even a request for divorce, not an affair).

Ambiguous phrasing I guess. Haha. I meant my fWW (who had the affair) has always loved the pets more than I love the pets. Not that she loves the pets more than she loves me.

More of a counter-example in this thread.

Our animals "told" on him. The oldest cat would come and wake me up when he would sneak outside at night so he could go call Shrek. The dog would stare at him when he was texting her and would get upset with him and try to get him to play ball to get him off the phone. The kittens would sit on his phone when he would try and go somewhere with it.
WTS, I would never even consider reconciliation with anyone mean to animals. It was one thing when he treated me like shit during the discard, but NOBODY treats my 2 or 4 legged babies with resentment. FTN. Dude could pound sand. I'd be too worried he would be mean again the next time he started cheating or life got him down.

Oddly I think losing our beloved cat was one of the triggers my WH had that set him down his path of self destruction. That cat was young and should not have gotten ill, but there it was. We were both crushed. But I pulled out of that after a few weeks— he did not.
And just before DDAY, 18 months later, a stray showed up. Although he was spending a lot of time "on work trips", he was checking on her daily while I tried to find her family and then adopted her officially. And when the house burned down, he drove against the fire and helped me lift the Cal King bed to get her out and in her carrier minutes before we lost the house. (Neighbors house was on fire as we drove off).

So he loved the animals through it all.