InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023
Because its about protecting the kids and their future inheritance. If possible.
I’ve learned in the last 8 months since my d-day that staying together is not a default safe option in making life better for the kids, though I definitely thought that way initially. I regret that my kids have seen and heard conflicts and anguished cries from both me and my wife. We don’t mean to expose them, but the situation is too raw to prevent it all. At this point I can see making the argument that separating can be a benefit to the kids, and as a child of divorce I never thought I’d say that. And you also don’t want to make infidelity an acceptable norm in your children’s life. Please don’t stay for the kids with an active wayward.
Can you clarify what you mean by protecting their inheritance? Are you saying your savings will split between your wife and you and you personally won’t be able to leave as much to the kids because of a two home spend rate? Your kids are pretty young to be thinking of that, aren’t they? You have a lot of life to live before you are ready to pass everything to them. You matter.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023
See an attorney about how ironclad a post nup is. And don’t doubt if you do end up D b/c Reconciliation didn’t work out, she will fight you in that post nup that you forced her to sign it under duress.
You may have some better options by protecting yourself going forward. Change beneficiaries on life insurance to your kids and on your retirement accounts. Give her 10% distribution and kids the balance. This way she cannot contest anything b/c she is getting something.
Rewrite your will and set up a trust for kids.
See if you can get your home put into your name alone as part of your post nup. Get her to sign that immediately.
Set up a bank account in your name alone and start putting money in it. Don’t tell her about it. It’s your $ just in case you need to leave one day. Money she does not have access to.
You need an exit strategy just in case.
I don’t know how you can accept the fact she has a burner phone — and thought she could get away with it. That’s a tough thing to reconcile.
Best of luck — I hope this works out for you.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:00 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023
This site tends to be direct, and we do so because we care.
This site is also about human behaviors and interaction, and one thing we have learned is that there are very few definite. Like we can’t say with 100% certainty that once an affair is discovered it will end in all instances. Not any more than we can say that in 100% instances where an affair is discovered it will continue. There are simply too many factors that can impact what is done and the reactions.
What I can say though with extreme certainty – like maybe 99% certainty – is that divorcing, or reconciling are the ONLY ways out of infidelity. Remaining married because of the kids or whatever excuse you use… that is simply deciding to remain in infidelity. To remain unhappy.
We get a lot of people that do decide to go that path. Personally, I feel sorry for them. If you are at about 40 you have 30-50 years ahead of you… all those years potentially with a spouse that you hate and – since the infidelity is not dealt with – is statistically likely to cheat again?
Protect kids’ inheritance? Think your wife is also willing to commit to 40 years of misery? Next OM might be willing to take her as his wife – placing the power of deciding your kid’s "inheritance" totally in her hands.
Friend – I put it to you that kid’s inheritance is simply a twist on "I’m scared".
And that’s OK! Being scared is normal dealing with what you are dealing with! Only don’t allow fear to paralyze you into inaction!
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
My oldest son, 31 at the time, said he couldn't believe I stayed with XWH for so long and that I should have D many years before. Don't forget that the children are watching and your dynamics with your W are the model they will see and possibly use in their relationships.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 8:23 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023
My attorney told me that a post nup was easy to fight in court - the other party just needs to claim they signed it under duress, which is what they are doing.
Also, I was told that transferring the house deed into one person’s name makes no difference.
I don’t know if it varies by state, but in Colorado, the only thing that isn’t considered a joint asset is money you brought into the marriage that was kept completely separate , and I don’t recall specifically but maybe an inheritance if it wasn’t co-mingled with joint finances.
For those reasons, & to protect finances for myself & my child in case there turned out to be an OC or of he got sued for harassment by one of his APs (coworkers) I filed for legal separation even while we were working on reconciliation. I explained my reasons to my then husband & he accepted them. It was six months later than his continued lying torpedoed that.
Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023
On Post Nups, like the one we executed immediately after my D-Day 2, the possibility several have brought up of it later being contested by the WS reminded me that my attorney put a specific sentence in the document stating that "WS had been advised to seek separate counsel but had waived that option, and had freely of his own will signed the Agreement."
My attorney put that kind of language in our Agreement precisely so that if WS later claimed to have 'signed under duress,' such a claim wouldn't stand up in Court.
ryguywhyguy ( new member #82746) posted at 5:36 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Dude I hate what I just read. You are deceiving yourself if you think she is done with the ap. You need to look after your children. This whole thing can cause huge scars to anyone but at your son's age it's devastating. I'm not judging you or your wife her. I will tell you she is still lost in the fog. Your main concern should be your son. I was thirteen when my mother was doing similar this your wife is doing and it left major scars. I started staying away from home, drinking, smoking both cigarettes and the devil's lettuce, getting in all kinds of trouble. It affected my future relationships and influenced some of the worst decisions I've ever made. I just remembered thinking that if my mom could do something like this how can I trust anyone. Then I later thought that if my parents did this than this is how my life will end up.
Mother's are supposed to fight against man, woman, or beast for their children not fight their children to keep their affair going. I assure you that this whole thing has traumatized your son wither or not he realizes it. You said it was earth shattering for you to see. It was far worse for your son.