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Newest Member: LoisPerry3

Divorce/Separation :
DD 2 was it...

Topic is Sleeping.
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 10:47 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Because its about protecting the kids and their future inheritance. If possible.

I’ve learned in the last 8 months since my d-day that staying together is not a default safe option in making life better for the kids, though I definitely thought that way initially. I regret that my kids have seen and heard conflicts and anguished cries from both me and my wife. We don’t mean to expose them, but the situation is too raw to prevent it all. At this point I can see making the argument that separating can be a benefit to the kids, and as a child of divorce I never thought I’d say that. And you also don’t want to make infidelity an acceptable norm in your children’s life. Please don’t stay for the kids with an active wayward.

Can you clarify what you mean by protecting their inheritance? Are you saying your savings will split between your wife and you and you personally won’t be able to leave as much to the kids because of a two home spend rate? Your kids are pretty young to be thinking of that, aren’t they? You have a lot of life to live before you are ready to pass everything to them. You matter.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 1543   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8780675
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

See an attorney about how ironclad a post nup is. And don’t doubt if you do end up D b/c Reconciliation didn’t work out, she will fight you in that post nup that you forced her to sign it under duress.

You may have some better options by protecting yourself going forward. Change beneficiaries on life insurance to your kids and on your retirement accounts. Give her 10% distribution and kids the balance. This way she cannot contest anything b/c she is getting something.

Rewrite your will and set up a trust for kids.

See if you can get your home put into your name alone as part of your post nup. Get her to sign that immediately.

Set up a bank account in your name alone and start putting money in it. Don’t tell her about it. It’s your $ just in case you need to leave one day. Money she does not have access to.

You need an exit strategy just in case.

I don’t know how you can accept the fact she has a burner phone — and thought she could get away with it. That’s a tough thing to reconcile.

Best of luck — I hope this works out for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13799   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8780681
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:00 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Sad

This site tends to be direct, and we do so because we care.
This site is also about human behaviors and interaction, and one thing we have learned is that there are very few definite. Like we can’t say with 100% certainty that once an affair is discovered it will end in all instances. Not any more than we can say that in 100% instances where an affair is discovered it will continue. There are simply too many factors that can impact what is done and the reactions.

What I can say though with extreme certainty – like maybe 99% certainty – is that divorcing, or reconciling are the ONLY ways out of infidelity. Remaining married because of the kids or whatever excuse you use… that is simply deciding to remain in infidelity. To remain unhappy.

We get a lot of people that do decide to go that path. Personally, I feel sorry for them. If you are at about 40 you have 30-50 years ahead of you… all those years potentially with a spouse that you hate and – since the infidelity is not dealt with – is statistically likely to cheat again?
Protect kids’ inheritance? Think your wife is also willing to commit to 40 years of misery? Next OM might be willing to take her as his wife – placing the power of deciding your kid’s "inheritance" totally in her hands.

Friend – I put it to you that kid’s inheritance is simply a twist on "I’m scared".
And that’s OK! Being scared is normal dealing with what you are dealing with! Only don’t allow fear to paralyze you into inaction!

Divorce.
Or…
Reconcile.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12097   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8781125
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

My oldest son, 31 at the time, said he couldn't believe I stayed with XWH for so long and that I should have D many years before. Don't forget that the children are watching and your dynamics with your W are the model they will see and possibly use in their relationships.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3128   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781236
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 8:23 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

My attorney told me that a post nup was easy to fight in court - the other party just needs to claim they signed it under duress, which is what they are doing.

Also, I was told that transferring the house deed into one person’s name makes no difference.

I don’t know if it varies by state, but in Colorado, the only thing that isn’t considered a joint asset is money you brought into the marriage that was kept completely separate , and I don’t recall specifically but maybe an inheritance if it wasn’t co-mingled with joint finances.

For those reasons, & to protect finances for myself & my child in case there turned out to be an OC or of he got sued for harassment by one of his APs (coworkers) I filed for legal separation even while we were working on reconciliation. I explained my reasons to my then husband & he accepted them. It was six months later than his continued lying torpedoed that.

posts: 381   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8781802
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:58 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

On Post Nups, like the one we executed immediately after my D-Day 2, the possibility several have brought up of it later being contested by the WS reminded me that my attorney put a specific sentence in the document stating that "WS had been advised to seek separate counsel but had waived that option, and had freely of his own will signed the Agreement."

My attorney put that kind of language in our Agreement precisely so that if WS later claimed to have 'signed under duress,' such a claim wouldn't stand up in Court.

posts: 1946   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8781827
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ryguywhyguy ( new member #82746) posted at 5:36 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Dude I hate what I just read. You are deceiving yourself if you think she is done with the ap. You need to look after your children. This whole thing can cause huge scars to anyone but at your son's age it's devastating. I'm not judging you or your wife her. I will tell you she is still lost in the fog. Your main concern should be your son. I was thirteen when my mother was doing similar this your wife is doing and it left major scars. I started staying away from home, drinking, smoking both cigarettes and the devil's lettuce, getting in all kinds of trouble. It affected my future relationships and influenced some of the worst decisions I've ever made. I just remembered thinking that if my mom could do something like this how can I trust anyone. Then I later thought that if my parents did this than this is how my life will end up.
Mother's are supposed to fight against man, woman, or beast for their children not fight their children to keep their affair going. I assure you that this whole thing has traumatized your son wither or not he realizes it. You said it was earth shattering for you to see. It was far worse for your son.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2023   ·   location: California
id 8782182
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 8:40 PM on Wednesday, March 29th, 2023

Sad, I am so sorry. I have some insight here. I found out my STBXH cheated in 2015--I filed a divorce immediately and within a year I realized I needed time to get my kids older and establish my professional business so I could survive financially without him. STBXH had 13 OW before the filing I never knew about except on demand on one polygraph test proved.

From there I had my attorney along with my help get together a iron clad post-nuptial agreement that provided the cheated on spouse 75% and the victim 25%--this had to go both ways to be legal, I made paragraphs upon paragraphs on the standard of proof that was needed (not just an admission) what could be used, from having a burner phone to being on a dating site to everything in between. I had the STBXH see his attorney and provide me a letter stating he was advised of the consequences and he was not under any undue stress (a huge way for it to be busted).

It was a literal piece of legal beauty! My STBXH also loves money way more than any side chick (at least I thought so) I even worked in whomever cheated had to pay for the others legal fees too.

SO as I sit here in 2023--I found out once again in 2022 August he had cheated with at least 4 more women. They were gracious enough to give me pictures, video, hotel dates, conversations, fake Tiktok acounts you name it, I have it.

So I filed for divorce and am waiting on my attorneys ideas--they have said the post-nup is good, solid, proof good and even could have these women testify if needed. BUT they are slightly apprehensive that if I didn't work out a deal now I would be at the mercy of the judge whether he finds the terms acceptable. Plus another year of huge legal fees and a court date next spring.

I also have acquired some sizable assets working my butt off in preparation of this divorce so that's a concern for them too.

So they are proposing a deal that looks like a 55/45 split but under values our home which I will buy then sell for likely $500,000 more then we agree upon.I would off load depreciating assets and keep my appreciating assets.

I'm a little short on time but wanted to chime in on the PN --let me know if you have questions--I'm happy to share mine with you as a reference. For me this was the way to go--I had 7 years to get myself together. If I hadn't needed that time I would have D'd him immediately and not wasted any more of my life.

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8784725
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:42 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

Some cheaters are habitual, like they are addicted to it and don't know how to stop. It is devastating. The amount of pain, devastation, betrayal caused is mind blowing. If you have kids, it is that much worse.

posts: 352   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8785246
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 saditsover (original poster new member #82961) posted at 3:37 PM on Friday, April 7th, 2023

Crazytrain101, would love to take you up on your offer to share details on the PN.

Have an attorney working one now.

Not sure how to DM you though.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023   ·   location: FL
id 8786106
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:44 AM on Sunday, April 23rd, 2023

I am sorry that your son was involved in anyway. It’s so hard to make the right decision and when you think you do, sometimes you find out later, maybe it wasn’t ideal. I really hope that things turn around for you.

I also hope that your wife really gets it. One more time and she’s done.

I do hope you can find happiness. Wishing you the best.

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8788142
Topic is Sleeping.
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