SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm curious if Your cheating spouse did things in bed with AP that they would never do with you ?

And why did they do it , if it was always off the table in the marital bed.

He did.
My erotic fantasy has always been a public place. Of course, without exaggeration and excessive exhibitionism. A public but secluded place, such as a remote meadow, forest, etc. For 18 years of our relationship I couldn't realized this because "he was too shy, ashamed and uncomfortable." At home, he always covered all the windows so that no passer-by would see him walking around in his underpants. I understood that my fantasy must remain in the realm of fantasy and I accepted it. On DDay, he admitted to having four intercourses with his AP in the park and in the parking lot. When I asked if he felt uncomfortable, he replied that "yes, but he had no other choice"... 😳🫤

Threads like this pop up regularly and there really is seldom anything positive that comes out of them.
The only thing my fiancé did different with OM in bed is that my penis wasn’t involved. How my penis wasn’t involved is irrelevant.

My observation about this specific topic is that it goes to the core of the notions that (a) when it comes to affair recovery (or not), details matter, and (b) some injuries are simply too profound for R to succeed. I do believe there are degrees of injury that can be inflicted by infidelity, but that the measure of those degrees is personal and subjective to each betrayed spouse.

I worried about this for a long time.
She denied it for a long time.
At what I’ll call the "full and final disclosure" she admitted that she had indeed done something with him she’d never done with me.
He had a foot fetish. He liked to suck her toes. She cringed, found it really weird but she went with it.
I laughed so hard.
"You two can keep that one special just for yourselves."
Pretty sure she cringed even more at my remark than the actual act.

Considering I’ve been with her for over 3 decades, I seriously doubt they discovered something new.

The one difference that I’m aware of was his ED, something we haven’t haven’t experienced in our bedroom.

Threads like this pop up regularly and there really is seldom anything positive that comes out of them.
The only thing my fiancé did different with OM in bed is that my penis wasn’t involved. How my penis wasn’t involved is irrelevant.

This.

I didn't need to know details.

Pretty sure she cringed even more at my remark than the actual act.

#schadenfreude

I agree this topic is very ripe for being misery porn. I also agree that these kinds of details seem to be on a lot of our minds. The answer was yes in my case and that is a BFD to me.

For all the things that are talked about here, it seems a little odd to me that this seems to be getting discouraged. Not all of us, probably not many of us, have been around for the last time. OP, I say ask what is on your mind.

For all the things that are talked about here, it seems a little odd to me that this seems to be getting discouraged. Not all of us, probably not many of us, have been around for the last time.

Unfortunately, what typically happens with threads on this topic is that they devolve into a battle of the sexes (ie, debates about the importance of sex for men vs women, whether a WW desired OM more or was just doing what he asked to keep the relationship, etc). They can also become combative, counterproductive arguments about whether a WS is obligated to provide sex on demand and whatever sex acts the BS requests as a condition of reconciliation.

Still, it's obviously an important topic (hence why it always comes up). Jimi007, I'm not familiar with your story, so what is it you're hoping to learn? Do you want to commiserate with other BSs who have this experience? Is this impacting your ability to reconcile?

These threads can be a little tricky, but I think it’s a valid question. The upshot of most of the previous threads breaks down into 2 points. First, it is within the WS’s autonomy to decide what they will do sexually and with whom they will do it. Second, it is up to the BS to decide if they are willing to accept that their WS considers certain acts off limits with them specifically. Alternately, does the BS want to do the act with the WS knowing they are only doing it because WS did it with AP? Seems a bit "day late and dollar short" from my perspective. No easy answers. No ideal solutions. Just more of the crap that comes with infidelity. Bottom line, both BS and WS get to decide what are dealbreakers.

I'm trying to get to the bottom of my own mess at home. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to save me from myself. I'm trying to unsee what I saw....If that helps

I saw it all...I just fucking stood outside the window and watched. Like an out of body experience... Now I can't unsee it

I've discovered a lot about my WH's sexuality since discovering his affair this last summer. He was into a lot of things sexually that he never talked about with me - a particular and highly specific variety of BDSM, what appears to be cross dressing, pegging, also a lot of sexwork that involved certain kinds of role play.

I think the part that impacts me the most is that we had an active sex life up until affair discovery. After 17 years we still had almost daily sex when both at home, when illness or bad timing wasn't in the mix. We've always mutually said how lucky we were to be so open and up for exploring fantasies, always keeping our sex life active, never letting that part of our marriage diminish. And he's been cheating for at least 15 of those 17 years despite a wife who was up for anything at home. So he doesn't even come from a deprivation mindset.

The fact that he had parts of his sexuality that he hid from me and played out with others means that he withheld those things deliberately from me - me specifically. And not because he thought I would shame him (I wouldn't have) or that I would refuse to try them (I wouldn't have) or that he felt particularly deprived at home, but because he enjoyed hiding himself from me. He got off on being a different sexual partner when he wasn't with me. He wanted a sexual alter-ego for himself.

And no, I wouldn't want to do any of the things he did with others. I am revolted not by his fantasies but by his alter ego persona, his affair-self. I certainly don't want to have sex with whoever he is in his secret life. It has nothing to do with the specific sex acts as much as it has to do with why he chose to hide them from me. Cheating was part of his kink, keeping me in the dark was part of his sexuality. It is incompatible with marriage.

I'm a woman. My ex is a man.

My ex had a same sex A with a male coworker.

So, there lots of things that ex did with male coworker that ex did not do with me because there were two penises involved.

I saw it all...I just fucking stood outside the window and watched. Like an out of body experience... Now I can't unsee it

Ugh, that's horrible. I think your first order of business, if you haven't already, is to get professional help for processing your trauma.

I saw it all...I just fucking stood outside the window and watched. Like an out of body experience... Now I can't unsee it

So sorry. I agree with BluerthanBlue. Seek professional help, you have almost certainly been traumatized in a literal sense. There is absolutely no weakness in seeking mental health treatment. This is as practical as going to the emergency room after getting shot in the back.

It's here so I might as well reply. All my life all my wife ever said was that I married the wrong person and that she wasn't into sex that much. I discovered that she really was into sex that much just not with me. She did him more times in 3/4 months than she ever did me in 3/4 years. Never liked giving me oral but all of a sudden she became proud of herself and began trying to offer it to me. I guess she wanted the practice to please him better. Never let me finish inside her but with him, thats all she ever let him do.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 6:04 PM, Tuesday, February 21st]

I saw it all...I just fucking stood outside the window and watched. Like an out of body experience... Now I can't unsee it

OUCH. I think that would have destroyed ANY chance of reconciliation for me personally. The mind movies alone were brutal - I can’t imagine a real life play by play. So sorry you had to bear witness to that. And hoping that you’ve taken steps in IC to work through that trauma.

To answer your Q I would say I’m pretty adventurous and in the 16 years we’d been married (at the time of his A in 2012) there wasn’t a whole lot out there that we hadn’t done together. So during full disclosure I did ask - and he said she wasn’t as nearly as "experienced". As if knowing she was a lousy lay would somehow make me feel better - seeing as he went back for 2nds and 3rds. His EA was longer that his PA (3 month EA, 1 month PA) and in the month they were physical they met on 4 different occasions. And that was 4 times TOO MANY by my account. But at the end of the day - for me - it didn’t matter what they actually did as much as the fact that he did it in the first place. It’s a shit sandwich all the way around.

I think that's how my body initially figured out something was amiss because he started doing things with me that clearly he was doing for her and it was not enjoyable for me AT ALL.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:37 PM, Tuesday, February 21st]