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Now that everything has come to a head I realize that WH doesn’t really show much empathy. I guess I never saw it until now. I know, shame on me. I believe WH when he says he is very sorry and wants to reconcile. But he lacks empathy. I don’t think he truly understands my emotional state, even though I have tried to explain it. How does one deal with this?

Most WSes lack empathy because if they had any, they wouldn’t have had an affair in the first place.

Is your WH in IC? In my case WH had some empathy to start with but not the desired level. I truly needed to see him sink with me in my pain and see every corner of my soul in order to remain married. It felt relevant.

IC for him was the first step in understanding and developing more empathy (to be clear, they’ll never understand the full extent of our pain), he was able to challenge his thinking, I remember that he used to come out of his sessions and call me to apologise for all he did to me, sometimes specific things that he discussed in therapy, then all our conversations and seeing my pain appeared to do the job and increase his ability to show empathy.

Does he show empathy to anyone else in his life? One thing I’ve noticed is that WH was very capable to show empathy towards other people when their trauma wasn’t inflicted by him so he wasn’t completely lacking empathy as a human being.

So it could be that your WH is still stuck in shame and showing empathy would force him to admit how bad his actions were rather than lacking empathy overall as a human being.

Do you feel this lack of empathy is only towards you? Is he considerate to others? Judgmental? Does he follow rules and laws? Does he litter? Speed? Does he do the dishes or thank you for the meal? Does he think he’s superior to others? Think he’s entitled to stuff?
Lack of empathy can indicate some serious issues. Many of them treatable or manageable but probably NONE treatable or manageable by you. He needs to want to change, seek treatment and follow whatever program is outlined.

Luna - thanks for the explanation. Working in getting him to go to IC.

Bigger - yes, seems to be only towards me. He shows empathy to others. He does thank me for meals, etc. he does not feel that he is above the law. He follows rules, etc.

Some people just aren't wired for empathy. I'm not saying your husband is one of them, but I would look at the examples of empathy he shows to others. Are they truly empathetic acts or are the feigned? The reason I say this, is in my experience, people who have issues with emotional intelligence often learn to approximate those emotional responses and behaviors that society expects from them. It is a coping strategy. You know, I'm not a doctor but I play a doctor on TV.

My EXWW does not feel empathy in any normative way, yet has tried to create a set of cheat or patch codes to allow her to function socially. She's not very good at it and so has few deep friendships as people see past it before long.

I would recommend really thinking about your WH and his track record to see if there might not be a deeper issue. The human mind tends to romanticize things while de-emphasizing the negative. I'm really bad for this, so to cope, I make lists of situations so I can step back and objectively weight the pros and cons. In my last relationship, I started a red flag file on my phone which has really helped me see patterns of behaviour. Hell, even years out when I'm sad and lonely, considering maybe giving her a call, all I need to do is read through the list and that puts an end to those ideas pretty damn quick.

Anyway, I think that as BSs, we are often guilty of seeing things as we desperately hope they would be. We project our own characters and ways of thinking onto our WSs, assuming everyone is like us. Sadly, we often allow more trauma because of our lack of objectivity, at least I did. That's why a good IC is so helpful. They don't have skin in the game and can call it like it is... Hope you find your way.

I'm with you on this, SoConfused. Luna said it well - If they had any empathy, they would not have had the affair. My WH is the same. No empathy, little understanding. He has a limited emotional range. He seems only to understand the emotions that he feels but can't relate to others having feelings or a greater degree of emotions.

Smithsonian Magazine writes of a neuroscientist, James Fallon, who discovered his own brain scans demonstrated the same anatomical patterns that marked the minds of serial killers. The article states he underwent a series of genetic tests, had all these high-risk alleles for aggression, violence and low empathy. Fallon admits he can be a jerk, be manipulative, and power hungry. Yet he claims to be happily married and have a stable family and career. He says these genetic markers are particularly susceptible to environmental inputs, both positive and negative. Because he was brought up with positive love and attention, he avoided the antisocial, psychopathic behaviors. Fallon admits he consciously does things that are considered ‘the right thing to do’ and is motivated by pride.

Fallon does not say he was an unfaithful spouse, but infidelity would fit right in for this type, I think. It's an uncaring, insensitive, manipulative act that focuses on self pleasure while being hidden from the world's judging eyes. Infidelity is a total power trip while the do-gooder veneer can remain intact. It's a win/win for those with no compunction. I would bet good money that my WH would have a similar brain scan and high-risk alleles. I first read about Fallon long before D-Day and the notion of infidelity, but I did note my husband was so similar. These low-emotion, false-facade, and high-pride traits are wrapped up with a handsome sash like a boy scout. There is no shame in not discovering this in the early years, SoConfused. The flip side of my WH's personality is that he is ambitious, industrious, well mannered, etc. and many other learned traits to be admired. That's what I saw.

After D-Day, we have to come to terms with the limitations of living in wedlock with such a spouse or simply leaving. I don't believe empathy can be leaned. They learn to offer up, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you." But with my WH these are rote phrases, learned to say at the necessary moment. His pride wants to save the marriage in order to save face. I believe he simply does not have the capacity to learn to feel the my pain. But can he learn to keep his pants on? And do I want to live my life wondering if he can? Or, do I want more, if only peace?

Best to you, SoConfused. Me, too.

I don't believe empathy can be leaned. They learn to offer up, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you." But with my WH these are rote phrases, learned to say at the necessary moment.

Contrary to this belief empathy can actually be learnt, and no, not saying the right stuff by rote but actual empathy.

We’re not allowed to include links but if you Google "can empathy be learned" you can find a lot of scientific research showing it can be.

Waiting for someone to develop empathy IMO is a complete waste of time. In my case with my xWS it would have not come and really by the time he would have gotten it I had no empathy for him.

I was able to learn empathy. I was very motivated, but still, it took me about five years to fully feel it and about fifteen to start being good at it.
Waiting for someone to learn it seems risky.

What MegMeg said really resonated with me. I have one friend in particular who does not feel genuine empathy, but has learned to approximate how it looks based on experience. It's like a patch code update to an old software program. To the uninitiated, it looks like empathy, but once the mask has slipped, no one is fooled.

I think as decent, non-psychopathic people, we want to believe that at the core most people are decent, or at least would like to be. Sadly, the last 6 years of my life has shown me otherwise. Believing something, even with passionate intensity, does not make it so.

After the shock wore off, I realized I didn't care if he ever showed empathy because I divorced him. He's the sad one now because I won't take him back. The only person I want empathy from are myself and the people who deserve me in their lives and who I deserve in mine. It's a healthy circle that keeps repeating.
Funny how that works. Can my WS learn empathy? Maybe. But that's his problem now.

For some couples, empathy can be created or restored. By that I mean:

During the A, and probably during the lead up to the A, one or both of the 2 couples have lost the ability to read the other. That ability can be restored, in many cases, by starting to communicate clearly again - asking for what you want, responding honestly, getting progressively better at making one's non-verbals match one's verbals.

Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is a shorthand way of describing the above.

In any case, part of recovery for every BS, IMO, requires knowing what one wants and communicating clearly, even if what you want to say is, 'Stay out of my life.'

Again, I think every BS can do this. I guess every WS can, too, if they do the work - but some (many? most?) WSes won't do the work, and BSes are free to dump the WS even if they will do the work.