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A year and a half after Dday1 I really struggle with resentment and the need to make my WH pay for what he did. Short story, he had a 9-year EA and PA with a COW, another 5-year PA for the last 5 years of the first LTA and 4 ONS in-between. He wants to reconcile and has been working pretty hard on this goal since Dday2. There was a lot of TT between DDays, but I believe I got more or less the whole truth on DDay2 and there have been no red flags since then (not for the lack of my trying to find them). I am still not even remotely OK, but I have decided to give R a shot and am trying to work in that direction, even though it is really hard and I let him do most of the heavy lifting for now.

The problem is, even with all the work he is putting in, even with the pain I see in him for destroying us, for hurting me, I still have the feeling he is getting off too easy. I believe in justice, always have. And I believe if you do the crime, you should also do the time. And in my book, the only fitting punishments for cheating is divorce or getting the taste of your own medicine. I don’t want to divorce him, not yet at least, not before I can see if he can be the man he says he wants to be and not before I find out if I can really stay with him after what he did, I am still not 100% sure, this was not a deal breaker for me. And I don’t see that I could have a RA either. I value fidelity, always have, never came even close to pushing that boundary. I do believe however, that he would deserve to be cheated on, to feel the pain I am feeling every day. He doesn’t deserve to have a wife who has only ever been with him, when he threw that away for nothing, for cheap sex, for ego kibbles with women who are less in every way, except maybe in looks and I wish sometimes I could have a RA, but I just don’t see how. I thought and still think about it a lot, but I have no desire to fuck random strangers, so I would have to find a nice man, single since I would never want to cause this pain to any other woman, hang out with him long enough to see if I find him attractive intellectually, tell him in advance what is my goal, because I wouldn’t want to string him along and even if all that could happen, I still don’t think I could go through with it, because, well, I don’t like men who would sleep with married women. Talk about catch 22 .

So, while I want to see him pay, there is nothing I can do to really make him pay that wouldn’t at the same time hurt me in the process. I guess the only thing I can do is to let go of the desire for revenge, but I just have no idea how to get there. How can I let go and not be left with resentment that he got through scot-free? I have lost so much, including my trust not just in him, but in everything and everyone, the feeling that I am special to him and loved, even the belief in existence of true love and romance and he gets to keep all of it. He knows I love him, he can be even more sure now than before, because he now knows what I am willing to go through to stay with him and I just don't know anything anymore. How did you let go of resentment, of the need to make them suffer the same pain you did? And when did you achieve that? At 1,5 years I don’t feel I am even close to any semblance of forgiveness and I don’t know if I ever will get there. But I guess I have to let go of resentment or it will kill any chance for R.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 12:00 PM, Friday, February 10th]

I can tell you that at 1.5 years out, I wasn't even close to acceptance. It takes a long, long time....even with the WS doing the heavy lifting.

While I do believe that acceptance is the only real way forward to a healthy reconciliation, the justice aspect has to be handled differently. The closest that I have for justice...or if I wanted to use the word 'revenge'...is exactly what you wrote above, but only works if you believe that your partner feels this through and through:

---I was a devoted partner, and you hurt me deeply....down to my core.

---You permanently destroyed a trust of innocence that I will never have again.

---Our love WASN'T the 'special' I believed it was. I love you, but that level of 'specialness' will never return.

---This was due to your actions alone. There was nothing that I could have done to change it. It is 100% on you why the above is our new reality.

It's as close to 'an eye for an eye' you can really be....if you're about justice/revenge. The punishment HAS to be doled out by the WS on themselves, if 'punishment' needs to be executed. If we continue to seek some other justice, we will never reach a level of acceptance.

My WH had an EA for two years and met with OW once at his hotel before I found out.

I think it took me close to a decade to really get to the point of acceptance. I'm 18 years out and will never forgive him for what he did to me, our marriage, our family, his job, our finances are so much more.

1.5 years is a drop in the bucket.

My WH paid for his A in other ways other than losing my trust and destroying everything in our perimeter...he had to quit his job bc OW was a COW, he was a master in the martial arts, had been involved since he was a young boy, almost 37 years at D-Day, gave it up. He also accepted he could no longer do his job effectively bc there was no way I'd permit him to visit the site where OW worked, which he had to do about 3-4 times a year.

My WH also began to feel a tremendous amount of guilt when the consequences started piling up. He clearly understood the destruction he caused.

You will never be able to get even. This is permanent damage he inflicted on you and the scars will always be there.

The thing I did was to make her see how disgusting her A was. I did not want her to have any romantic thoughts of it. My W prides herself on being a great W and Mother, I made sure she understood how she betrayed the whole family, she hated it at first and tried to say it didn't involve the kids but as she has healed she is disgusted by it. The other thing was I had to make sure she knew how disgusting the AP was, I chipped away at the pedestal she had him on. How does a real man mess with a M woman? He has no integrity, no options, and would never consider a real relationship with a cheater, he is a disgusting human. Then I told her she was an OW, she interfered with another woman's M. There are so many great women here on SI that were betrayed by an OW. I told her she has hurt a lot of people but being an OW is not mine to forgive, she has to live with that.

I don't do this anymore because she is disgusted by it. We have friends M 10 years(20 years younger with very good kids) that are having M issues, we suspect the W is already in an EA, don't know for sure. We were hanging out one night recently around our fire pit and we point blank asked them how they were doing. The W said "Its just so hard I'm just not feeling it anymore". My W said that's normal in a M. Then the friend says "Yall dont understand because yall have a great M that is just automatic" My W jumps up bawling and pointing "you dont know what we've been through, you dont know how hard weve worked in this M. I will tell you this, dont do something in your M that you will regret the rest of your life, do you really think we like each other every day? we dont, but we arent giving up" she was so passionate and adamant we were all crying when she got done. We all hugged it out and they are committed to working on it. We actually are having them over again tonight.

Bottom line that meant more to me than any getting even or revenge. We are going to use this mess to help others, that is why I'm still here on SI.

B

Resentment is one of those deals where it is like drinking poison every day waiting for the other person to die. That stuff will eat you alive, that simmering anger that does more than simmer -- all the time, it isn't good for you.

There is no way to make up for the level of injustice. Even if you lowered your standards for an RA, it would only cause more problems. I think you're right not to seek revenge.

I tend to agree with some others here that infidelity is always, always a dealbreaker.

And here I am, one of the people here who found a way back to happy and have a relationship I want.

That said, my R didn't really start until after two years of deciding if I could stay.

The first realization for me is that while I wanted trust back, I understood the 100 percent blind trust was never a good idea for anyone, in any relationship.

The second thing was, I saw a broken deal. If I was going to stay, what would I need the relationship to look like? I wanted a new deal.

Then, it was a matter of incremental progress with me letting go of the outcome. I think any betrayed spouse who stays, needs to be strong enough to be fine without the M. That strength is the basis of enforcing the boundaries of the new deal, the rebuilt M. It allows for a WS to fail one last time and a BS being fine to start over solo.

Ultimately, that guilt for anyone with a conscious, is also a life sentence (like the trauma of infidelity for us). But it is a sentence that does fade for both people if the relationship finds a way back.

In my case, while there isn't any way to make up for the injustice, my wife tries to do that anyway. Something about two people choosing their path everyday to be better, do better, and finally offer the care and kindness that should be there in the first place, can ease those resentments. I will always hate what happened, I never have be 'okay' with being hurt. I just had to be okay offering grace and a shot at redemption. Even if the M fails someday, I will always know I offered a chance that wasn't owed and held up my end of the deal, above and beyond.

It sounds like a ton of work, because it is.

If the deal is truly broken, no shame in that at all. You'll find a way forward and a day when you can let go of the outcome.

So, while I want to see him pay, there is nothing I can do to really make him pay that wouldn’t at the same time hurt me in the process.

I spent the first 2 years after d-day working on that very problem - how to hurt my W without adding to my own pain. I gave up after 2 years, because I decided it can't be accomplished.

I guess the only thing I can do is to let go of the desire for revenge, but I just have no idea how to get there.

I woke up one day 3.5-4 years out, and I realized I no longer harbored any desire for revenge. It was just gone.

On the surface, letting go of revenge looks like a project with activities, milestones, timeline, but it's just not that type of project. i]It's something that grows (or doesn't) in one's gut and heart. It's not logical. I can't name the tasks, after a career managing IT projects.

R seems like a project, too, but it's not. The only resemblance, IMO, is that your best bet is to monitor yourself and your WS, notice the feedback, and act accordingly. Take each issue by itself, and resolve it (or not). If you can't resolve a specific issue, figure out if this is the issue that kills R for you.

*****

I recommend thinking 'anger', not 'resentment'. Resentment seems weak to me, and anger, powerful. It helps to stay in touch with one's power.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:37 PM, Friday, February 10th]

I thought about revenge but not through an A. I believe in fidelity. If I wanted to have sex with another person it would be after a divorce for sure. I have very strong core values. I couldnt do that to another OW and I dont really trust the men that say they are single at my age. I completely understand what you mean so youre not alone in that.

You have stayed 1.5 years that means you are willing to give this a shot. Ofcourse you have 1 foot out the door still no doubt. I know I do still. Im near 6 years out. I still have moments of weakness. I did decide to R after my husband's affair with CoW. Its gut wrenching and I truly believed he did not deserve me or even deserve a chance. I was done. I will never be able to forgive or forget what he done to me. He took so much away from me. I dont trust so easily. I am extrmely reserved and I just hate feeling weak or triggered.

Happiness does come with time but I dont think I will truly be the same person i was back then. That loving caring person i was to him is dead. Yes I love him but I dont think I will ever be in love with him like i once was. I will give him this one chance and I will try to regain happiness and contentment. I will be the one extending that olive branch this one last time. Its his choice to make sure that branch doesnt break. If he breaks this trust i have he will be gone in a second.

You have had to deal with multiple PA's over a period of YEARS. That has definitely shown you what the vets on here kept telling me...that the A had absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU. It didn't have anything to do with the various adultery co-conspirators either. They were convenient...nothing more. It still HURTS no matter what. You are coming to a part in your healing that doesn't feel comfortable at all. Believe it or not...you are SO CLOSE to turning a corner in your recovery Dear Lady! This hurdle is a biggie though (((HUGS))).

That desire for JUSTICE ate at me for so long. It was really more vengeance that I wanted...but whatever it was...I wanted to see them BOTH pay for the infidelity HELL I was in!!! Like you...I thought about my options. Like you...I thought an RA...or even D would be appropriate options...but I didn't WANT either of those. I asked my H once if there was ANYTHING I could do to make him FEEL the PAIN I was in. I thought he would say he would be devastated if I had an RA. I saw the pain in his eyes when I told him the M was over on Dday...so I thought he might say he would feel that pain again if I decided to go for D. But I honestly wasn't expecting the answer he gave me when he quietly whispered..."Die". WOW. Somehow that made me feel better!! He had told me on Dday that ALL he wanted was for me to be in his life...even if I didn't love him anymore. When he told me that not being on this Earth would be the SAME pain as what I was feeling...it gave me a different perspective to look at. I soon realized that there was truly NO justice for what he did to me.

There were a few things that helped me get over that feeling of making my H "pay" for what he did. First...I could never ACCEPT his A...but I could learn to ADAPT to my new life. It's all about perspective!! I am sure you have read my story before about how I was watching something on "Animal Planet" where the commentator was talking about the animals on that show ADAPTING to their changing environment. Those who didn't adapt...didn't survive. AHA!! I was on a site called SURVIVING Infidelity...and that was what I was determined to do!!

Second...I gave my H MERCY. He could NEVER earn it or take it from me. This was something only I could GIVE him...IF I wanted to. He didn't deserve it. But in order for me to have the kind of M I WANTED...I knew it would take MY mercy to give him a chance to redeem himself.

It didn't happen overnight...in fact I would say it took me about 3 years before I felt I had turned a corner. But I knew that as long as WE were moving forward...we were going to eventually make it OUT of that infidelity HELL. Like I always say...three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS!!!

I am still not 100% sure, this was not a deal breaker for me.

EVERY A is a dealbreaker. PERIOD. We then get to decide IF we want to make a NEW deal...or just void the contract and move on. I thought about what I wanted MY LIFE to be like. I wrote down all kinds of things...ANYTHING I wanted...I wrote it down...lol. It was actually a FUN project at a very DARK time in my life. I then tweaked it...and came up with what I TRULY WANTED...a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. I told my H about this...and said if HE wanted this too...GREAT! If not...I would find someone who would!!! My H wholeheartedly AGREED with this as what HE WANTED too...and we set out on a path toward this goal...TOGETHER. When we hit a roadblock...we would remind each other what it was that WE wanted...and then we would continue on from there.

I have been through D with my 1st cheating H...and R with my 2nd cheating H. I don't regret either decision!!! YOU do what YOU feel is BEST for YOU Dear Lady...and you will never go wrong!!! Don't worry about a timeline. The consensus on here is that it takes about 2-5 years to HEAL from this. It took me 7 years to feel fully healed. Year 9 is coming up soon...and I am truly HAPPY again!!! More than that...I am at PEACE. That...Dear Lady...is worth more than gold!!

Just keep on posting...and healing...and one day you sweet STAR...you are going to SHINE so BRIGHTLY again!!!

I recognize a lot of what you are feeling, but at 1.5 years I was still getting to the truth of his life so my timeline is a mess, and my healing journey is more a wander through a jungle. The injustice of it all was the second hardest for me, right after the heartache of realizing how little my happiness or sanity meant to him, or how much more I loved him than he could ever love me. I had no idea who I was dealing with. I can only offer that the need to make them both suffer like they made me just faded away with time, because I realized I would still be the same amount of blindsided, crushed, devastated, hurt, remorseful and love sick no matter what happened to them or to my marriage. I likened it to being in a car crash, it just happened to me and there was no making it unhappen, or making the fallout or the recovery any less than what it already was besides time and healing. That said, I've done a lot of lashing out in words of anger in both directions, and it hasn't helped me in the long run. Other than venting harsh words, I haven't gotten anything resembling payback or parity.

My marriage now, for as long as I continue to choose to stay in it, is always going to have scars and a limp, and accepting that is just another in the long list of things I've had to accept that I really don't want to. I resent so much of what has happened, and don't think I'm really going to end up at a place of happy acceptance or healing, but I'm coming around to recognizing and accepting what is good enough and living there.

It is good you recognize who you are and know that cheating is not really an option for you. I had a similar thought as you regarding a potential AP - why would I want anything to do with someone with those morals, or someone who would take advantage of my trauma just for some sex? If I ever let another partner into my life it would be someone who values me enough to not take advantage of me in a weakened and confused state. You deserve better than that, and you recognize it. Hang on to that.

And you are also right, he doesn't deserve you period. Your even trying to rebuild anything after the length and depth of betrayal both of us have endured is a huge gift of grace and hope they have already proven themselves unworthy of receiving. I wish I had great advice for you, but all I can really offer is my sympathy, empathy and an friendly ear and a lot of me too's. Time will dull the sharp edges off of all that you are feeling, and your path forward will probably become more obvious to you in time as well. It sucks, because at this age, time is something I don't feel like I have a lot of left to spare, but it is the only solution I have found to help make any of this OK.

I still don't feel like I know anything anymore either - the loss of all that certainty I had before is a hard adjustment. Day to day, minute by minute is the new normal for me. Those days have strung into five years that my google photo app keeps making movies of that look like two happy people living their best lives. Problem is, my life looked like that when it was an illusion too, so it's hard to believe anything is what it seems now. So I shift as much focus to me, my life, my needs as I can and try to keep building something worth having, but something with a clear exit plan if I should need to scuttle my ship and start something new on my own. I could have never conceived of living in such a strange reality of uncertainty before. Keep focusing on yourself, let all that anger and resentment and sorrow flow through you and when it subsides, make way for some new feeling, even if it is just figuring out what you want to feel or are capable of feeling when you get your bearings. Until then, pay attention to what he shows you and advocate for what you need and deserve.

Wishing you healing and peace of mind and new ways to feel grounded to a life you want to have instead of struggling or treading water in the one you were thrown into. You will get there.

I'm new in this process, but the fundamental unfairness is one of the hardest things for me atm. I was not a perfect spouse, but I did my best. Had I been given the chance to fix things, prior to his affair, I would've done anything to save the marriage. Yet, here I am, devastated and he's (likely) off having the time of his life with a 25 year old. I know life isn't fair, but this feels so completely out of whack. We do nothing wrong and suffer; they do everything wrong and are fine.

I’m divorced and I can tell you that divorcing my ex wasn’t justice. Sure he no longer had a loving wife and the image that it entails. Now he has victim status. I filed. I got myself out of infidelity without any help from him, but I know he tells people that I cheated. He even told our kids that I cheated. They know better. What I’m saying is that there is no justice for what your spouse did to you, your marriage, family or anyone else that cared about them.

So how do you move on? How do you adjust your thinking and become ok with how your world looks now?

I don’t have the answers, but I think no matter the outcome, we all have that want for justice or karma as some people call it. A good friend of mine said it takes about 1 year for every 3 that you were married to completely heal. I don’t know if that’s true, but try to give yourself some grace that what you are feeling is normal.

There were numerous reasons I finally pulled the plug on our marriage. I hated who I had become around her. I wasn’t overtly mean anymore, but I was cold. I treated her like a secondary friend which was so far from where we were just a few years prior. I also felt that I deserved my fun, even though at this point she most likely wasn’t looking at her affair as fun as it destroyed us. The last reason was the title of this thread and probably my most cause for the bad feelings I have about how it ended.

Basically I got screwed and no one but me paid. This ate me up inside. I spent 5years feeling like a fool. I knew intrinsically that she suffered too. No I love you’s, sex as a mechanical act, knowing I would rather play golf with my buddies than spend time with her. I could even hear her cry sometimes when she didn’t think I did. But yet, I didn’t fu*k some girl in our bed. I didn’t have unprotected sex and have her taste some other woman on my penis like I had with her lover. No matter how bad she felt about it, nothing would ever change that.

We lived day to day, but it just festered in me that she got away with it. Not only that, but she was still a pillar of the community. I can still remember seething at dinner when friends would remark how I hit the jackpot with her. I could see her flinch every time 5his happened as the car ride home would be silence and the next few days awful.

So not proud of it but a major reason for the divorce was I was tired of being the only one who paid. I don’t feel particularly good about it, but that’s kind of who I am, she knew that yet did it anyway. I told her at the end. She deserves to be happy, she just doesn’t deserve to be happy with me.

I understand the need to get even. But it comes in many forms.

I decided at dday2 when I’d had enough that my only option was D. I had nothing to give to the marriage. I no longer loved him. It was over.

But then I gave reconciliation a chance. With terms & conditions.

Post nup agreement must be signed. All my assets are excluded from matrimonial assets in the event of a D.

I decided that since I was not good enough for him when I put him first for the past 25 years, that I was now going to come first. And there was nothing that was going to change that.

I stopped being his maid service. He does his own laundry. He cooks dinner now more than I do. He does more errands than I do. He had to take responsibility for his "stuff" - bills or insurance or whatever.

I have more free time to enjoy my hobbies or interests. I have a few groups of friends I see without him. I am more independent now.

This was a wake up call for me. And I figured out what works for me is knowing I have an exit strategy and can stand in my own two feet.

That’s my "revenge"

At 3 months out from D-Day I still feel a strong urge for revenge. But I know any version of it I come up with is probably just more harmful to me than to him.

I've let WH know my resentment...that he was shirking his duties and obligations to our family while he was carrying on his fantasy filled affair. It lasted about 2 months so I was able to name very specific things he had fallen short on. And now I feel absolutely no hesitation to sometimes tell him, no you need to do that for the kiddo, the business, the household. When it is something I could do.

But my resentment is still boiling. He gets to play perfect husband at church & on social media & everywhere else. No one knows how he ripped my heart to shreds and has now caused me to have anxiety issues that I have never had.

I just wanted to comment that my husband had an affair that started at 18 months past dday. It went on for 18 months. I don’t recommend obviously because as you stated it’s a matter of values.

I personally found it to be hypocritical. All the professions over valuing our fidelity rang false. And I would have to say he could not have hurt me on the level that I hurt him. I damaged a great marriage, he damaged a struggling one. I understood that his affair wasn’t about me, but about the way he was coping with his pain because I had figured that out about myself.

It took him a long time to see that was exactly what I did except he wasn’t the cause of the pain I was in when mine started.

It’s not fair, affairs are traumatizing and devastating.

I think what sisoon said about harnessing your power is a good one.

I would add not just about the anger. What I hear in your words is that you want to get over these feelings in order to possibly save the marriage. I would reframe it to be- YOU need to be able to heal. I would put the focus on doing everything that you need to do that and don’t worry about the marriage as much.

You are understandably too raw to begin having compassion for him. I think some of your anger is coming from trying to force yourself to and then add the fear you have about not getting there is not helping either.

Each day focus on what you want and need, what fills your soul. If you need to talk, consider IC if you haven’t gone. Not for the purpose of forgiving him, I agree that’s a long road. But for the purpose of getting yourself to higher ground.

Once you have done that there might be a little more room to work through trying to understand him. Because one day of you do want to R then you will have to begin that process of getting to the compassion piece. Not for cheating, no one has to have compassion for that. But for being able to see where he was at the time, what was broken inside. Personally, I think the compassion piece can also only come when he knows his whys and has made dramatic changes to ensure he won’t find himself in that place again.

It’s all a process and it’s understandable you are angry, but to force yourself to any sort of outcome is not going to work and it’s part of what fuels the anger and resentment.

Peace and healing to both of you. It can be done in many cases, and it can be beautiful on the other side. It starts with your relationship with yourself for both the ws and bs and evolves from there.