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Newest Member: Jash

Just Found Out :
What now????


 HurtAndConfused2022 (original poster new member #82679) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

I found out at the beginning of December that my significant other of almost 2 years cheated on me and slept with his ex. When I found out (she messaged me with screenshots) I confronted him and he admitted everything. We spent the next week together because of previous commitments and talked off and on about it. He said he wanted to be with me, loved me, and stopped contact with her. We agreed to try counseling and work through it and not give up. He is my first boyfriend (I waited a long time to find a good person) and I don't want to give up on 2 years of a great relationship. We have been through a lot together and I don't believe in giving up.

A few months prior to him cheating, he proposed and we were going to announce it at Christmas. When I asked why he cheated, he said he panicked and self-sabotages because of his past and childhood trauma. He said he doesn't deserve to be happy so that's why he cheated, because we were too good to last. He also said his child from a previous relationship didn't want him getting married or having any other kids. I asked him if it was a genuine accident/mistake that he made when he cheated or if it was a way for him to get out when he panicked. He doesn't know.

I am crushed, I went home to see my family for Christmas alone, and we didn't text much the week I was gone. He was distant and not really responding to my messages. I then came back for NYE and we talked. He decided he needs time to think things over and deal with his issues. He doesn't want me to help him through those issues, he says he needs to do it alone. He said he will try counseling but doesn't believe in it. He didn't give me a timeline and I didn't know what to say or do. I was crushed and devastated beyond words.

I am absolutely crushed. I was so confident that I had found my soul mate, the person that I was going to spend my life with. We talked about getting married, starting a family, we had plans to move in and start a life together (we live in separate cities about an hour apart so just spent weekends together). We talked about being partners in all things. We share a similar cultural background, passions, the same friends group, same hobbies. I don't know how to be without him. I live in a small community so it's not like I can do other things and not see him or just move on. I don't know what to do. He is my person.

I told him I would never stop loving him, and I wouldn't give up on us. I told him that what he did hurt me beyond words but I would forgive him, I thought we could heal from this. This is our first conflict in 2 years of being together. Being with him feels natural. I told him I would give him time, because I loved him and loved us. I hope he gets the help he needs and hopefully is able to talk to his son. He deserves to be happy and deserves to have a life, more kids if he wants, and I pray that it is with me.

I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess some support, words of encouragement, something. He is my person and I am not going to give up, but I am struggling to survive the day to day. I don't know what to do now that we aren't spending weekends together. My whole life has been upturned. I am consumed by my grief, the fear of the unknown. I cry at the drop of a hat. I dream about it, about him. I can't eat half the time because of the nerves. The other half of the time I feel sick. I love him with all my heart and I pray that he will heal and still want to be with me, but I am so scared of the unknown and what my life might be without him.

[This message edited by HurtAndConfused2022 at 10:02 PM, Thursday, January 5th]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2023
id 8772219

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

I am going to be cruel to be kind. He gave you the brush off. He’s gone. Please remember that he has a history that doesn’t sound very much like a man you want to be with. He has a child from a previous relationship. He has an ex that he must’ve cheated on and then cheated with. I don’t care how screwed up he is he’s not marriage material.

Please take care of yourself. Make sure you get plenty of water, rest, nutrition. If necessary you might go to a doctor to see if you can get something to help you during this time. Reach out to friends and come here.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4015   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8772221

annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:37 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI, so sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

Gently, your boyfriend cheated because he wanted to. He failed the lifetime partner test just two years into your relationship, right now he is not a good candidate for reconciliation IMO.

How can you know he stopped seeing the other woman? Keep in mind cheaters lie and lie and lie and even deny when confronted with actual evidence. Cheating is not a mistake, it's a series of conscious choices. He could be keeping you as a backup plan in case his relationship with his ex doesn't work out. Please don't allow yourself to be plan B.

Find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate this trauma. Lean on trusted family and friends and keep busy as much as possible on the weekends, join a gym, volunteer, meet up with friends, anything to get you out of the house and away from your thoughts temporarily. I used to take my computer to our local coffee shop and enjoy a cup of java and people watch.

Please make an appt. with your OBGYN and ask her to test for STDS. You just never know, sadly. Also if you need temporary medications to help you sleep/cope most of us here have taken something to help us get through the day.

Know you are not alone, we have all walked in your shoes, being betrayed by the person who was supposed to have your back is gut-wrenching.

Post often, someone is always here for support.

posts: 11966   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8772223

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:42 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

Here are the 🚩🚩

He wants to figure this out in his own 😡

He doesn’t want to communicate with you 😳

He tells you his child doesn’t want him to marry and have any more children 😳😳

He cheated with his ex 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

And he’s claiming he "self sabotaged" b/c you planned to marry 😡🚩😡🚩

He is not telling you the truth. This just doesn’t sit right with me. He appears to be hiding his true intentions and just doesn’t have the guts to tell you.

He’s hoping you just fade away while he’s "working in himself though he doesn’t believe in counseling".

If he really wanted to reconcile he’d be moving mountains. Instead it appears as though he cannot get away fast enough.

IMO cheating with an ex is a 🚩🚩🚩. I would wonder if you did marry him if he still would continue to cheat w/ the ex.

You are being too kind. I think you should be prepared for this relationship to end at some point. Start preparing for it now.

I’m So sorry this happened.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8772225

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

You've already told him you forgive him,when you really don't know what you're forgiving. Cheaters lie. He's a cheater. You know what you were told. Chances are, there have been a few other women he's messed around with.

This is who he is. You love a man who doesn't exist. You live an hour apart,so it was easy for him to wear a mask a few days a week. He never would have told you,if she hadnt.

This was not an accident, or a mistake

. Affairs are thousands of choices. And, since this OW is an old girlfriend, one who he was messaging, this was more than a one night stand. This was an affair.

He is not your best friend. Best friends don't lie to you. They don't risk your health by exposing you to stds.

Keep looking. He's not "a good one." He's a liar,a cheater,and a coward.

You need to be tested for stds immediately.

Anytime a freshly caught cheater wants time alone to "work on themselves," what they're doing is continuing the affair. Or another affair. Or he is manipulating you into no consequences, and rigsweeping his behavior.

I know I'm harsh. You've been lied to enough. I don't sugarcoat. You deserve to live in reality.

Dating is basically a way to weed out men who aren't marriage material. He's shown you he's not. He even said he has no intention of working on himself,because he doesn't believe in therapy.

You aren't married. You don't have kids together. You aren't living together. You need to go NC with him. He isn't good for you. Get out now,while it's "easy." It will hurt. But it hurts more to stay with a man who has basically told you he is who he is,and will stay who he is.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:33 PM, Thursday, January 5th]

I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8772227

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 9:34 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

I’m sorry but you are willing to do anything to have things back like they were. You are prepared to rug sweep and move on.

This is a very bad idea because it never works. He has proven himself not worthy of your hand in marriage. You cannot go into a marriage needing to fix someone. Take some time let the shock wear off, you will be very angry at what he has done, and one day when you find a good man you will be very thankful for the bullet you dodged this time.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3024   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772228

WTFismyusername ( new member #81065) posted at 10:25 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

I agree with Hellfire. My advice is to get out while you still can, before you’re married and have kids together. He has shown you his flawed character. It takes a strong character for a person to change something flawed in themselves which is why it is so hard for cheaters to change. Is it impossible? No, it can be done, but according to what you shared, he sounds like he doesn’t have that strength or will to make the changes necessary.

There are many other people out there and while there is no guarantee infidelity won’t ever happen again, even with someone new, your odds are better than staying with someone who has already cheated.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2022
id 8772232

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 10:48 PM on Thursday, January 5th, 2023

RUN !!! As others mentioned, don't forget to get tested for STDs.

posts: 2738   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8772233

Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 12:06 AM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I was with my first "real" BF for 4 years, when I walked in on him one night in bed with another woman. We weren't engaged yet, but we had discussed it. I wore a claddagh ring, heart in, on my right hand, and was figuring it would move to the left hand, heart out, when we both graduated from college. Needless to say, I was absolutely crushed by his betrayal.

For years, I thought of him as the "one that got away." Then I ran into him like 20 years later, and I saw that he's still the same inconsiderate, procrastinating, selfish jerk who is still completely OK with the fact that he's a schmuck that I had put up with in high school and college, and I had completely forgotten that he was like that! After running into him as a fully-grown adult, when I had developed strong standards and boundaries (which took me YEARS to do, BTW), I realized what a bullet I had dodged and the rose-colored glasses I had worn all of those years just fell away.

I am really really sorry you're going through this. This is not the way anybody's first love should treat them. Been there, done that, got the crappy t-shirt.

Please do what I failed to do all of those years ago and define NOW what you will and will not accept in the behavior of your romantic interests. Having very high standards is a good thing. Learn to pay attention to actions, not words. Love yourself more than you love anyone else on the planet.

That is, right up until the moment you have kids. (Then, there's no question you'll love them more than you could ever imagine loving anyone, so don't even try. Game over. laugh )

((((Hugs))) to you. You'll get through this, and find somebody worthy of how great you really are. Your REAL person is so much better than this guy!

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.
WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone.
D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8772239

Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:13 AM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I am so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be cheated on, and it is never a blessing in disguise as some Pollyannas out there say.

Having said that, you found out while leaving is still (relatively) easy. No legal documentation, no co-habitation, no procreation. He's shown you who he is, believe him. He is not marriage material, and even if you cling to reconciliation with everything in you, I'd wager he's already gone. All his actions after discovery point to this being an exit affair.

Even if all his self-diagnosed psycho-pseudo-babble is true, do you want to marry a self-saboteur? Do you want to be looking over your shoulder (or at his messaging apps or whatever) for the rest of your life? Do you want to hitch your wagon to someone who will fuck things up in the grandest of ways just when life gets good?

Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 333   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8772241

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I noticed you haven't responded. You're probably thinking we don't know him..every situation is different..he's really so wonderful..that your love is special.

Here's the thing. All BS feel that way. But,when you're here for awhile(and many of us have been here for awhile..not because we're bitter and angry, but because we are paying it forward, to a site,and it's members,that helped us when we needed it)..anyway..when you've been here awhile,you see a pattern. Cheaters are very predictable. So much so that we have a running joke about there being a cheaters handbook.

We do know him. We can see him,without having our perspective clouded by love.

When we say to go NC,it's because we know he's already giving you signs that he's not really invested in the relationship, or in true change.

We know NC is the fastest way to healing. Quick forgiveness..begging..none of that bodes well for you,if he does come back. It teaches him you're ok with it all,as long as you just stay together. Which means he will do it again.

It's not that we are cold,bitter, unfeeling people. It's because we want you to heal.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:51 PM, Friday, January 6th]

I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you..
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

posts: 5872   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8772389

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 6:48 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

Hellfire is exactly right. The advice given is the advice I wish I had available on Dday. It took 2 months to find SI. The people here didn’t understand how sorry my WW was for what she did, she made a mistake and didn’t mean to do it.

I was being manipulated and jerked around in false R thinking we were going back to the way things were.

When I discovered SI and that she was following the "cheaters handbook" I realized she wasn’t special she’s just like all of them. That’s when anger hit me hard and I was done.

Our ex son in law was a serial cheater a few years before my WW’s infidelity. She was pissed that he betrayed our daughter and our family. She had such bitterness towards him for hurting our baby girl and grandkids.

The day I told her "you are no different than ex son in law". It ripped through her like a blade. She tried to say no this was different, be she knew and it was true. They all have the same brokenness and follow similar patterns.

Please stick around you will be glad you did.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3024   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8772400

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:35 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023

I went through my H’s affair wherein he was kicking me to the curb w-in 10 days of dday1.

I didn’t have the benefit of SI. I wish I had. I made all the classic mistakes.
Trying too hard - pick me dance - making excuses etc.

Dont be me.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8772434

BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 11:56 PM on Friday, January 6th, 2023


I really hear you when you say you love him, but you can't have a one-way relationship. You can't love him into doing the hard work he needs to do.

He's asked for space and time to work on himself. Let him have that

Use this time to heal yourself to and give yourself some distance from this relationship.


[This message edited by BreakingBad at 11:58 PM, Friday, January 6th]

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 415   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8772435

Kb82 ( member #70826) posted at 4:28 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

Hurtandconfused, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know it is very painful. I'm going to also say I think you dodged a bullet. As some other posters have said, he is NOT marriage material. I understand loving someone with issues and thinking your love can fix them. Trust me it cant. He sounds very much like my STBX in the beginning of our relationship. I was the "new" girlfriend and in the very beginning my ex went between me and his ex. His ex tried to tell me. I was naive and didn't believe her. Long story short, 13 years later, an 11 year marriage, 5 children, tons of lies and heartache and abuse. Long road ahead for me and my kids to Get out of it. Some people have to always have someone to feel loved. I'd bet money that when you are away from him during the week he's either with his ex or someone else. These issues are not something you or your love for him can change. Its only something he can change. I know you are so hurt but the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" is so true. You are mourning the guy you THOUGHT he was. He has shown you the real him, or rather his ex has. I dont think he would've ever told you about that himself. Believe who he really is. Walk away. Love yourself enough to not tolerate that kind of disrespect from anyone. You are worth loyalty and so much more. Hugs, and best of luck to you.

[This message edited by Kb82 at 4:30 PM, Saturday, January 7th]

posts: 199   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: TN
id 8772473

VikingPrincess ( new member #80870) posted at 7:15 PM on Saturday, January 7th, 2023

I'm so sorry you had to join this club of people that have been cheated on. Cheating is not a mistake, it's a series of conscious choices.

I would leave this man now because he has already proven that he can't be faithful and he can't be trusted with his ex-wife. Be glad you found out before children and before you're stuck with him because of the children. I'm sorry he's treated you this way and I'm sorry that you found someone that turned out to be a bad person.

I am 2 years past my Discovery day. I found out after 32 years that my husband was cheating on me with five different women online. He was s.exting them (pure porn) all times of the day and night when he was supposedly working. He has a crazy schedule that I've never complained about and that's where he was doing it. I have been to stay home wife for 14 years and I have never been unfaithful. I've never even told a dirty joke that was too racy to a man.

My husband changed almost immediately on our honeymoon. He found out he did not like having sex, but he didn't have the stones to let me know that. Instead, he let me twist in the wind and be lonesome for 32 years before I found out about his cheating. The man that is always telling me how great other people look, like I'm his buddy, and always commenting on other people except me.The man that has hardly had sex with me all our marriage, was over s.exting other people because he was lonesome. The man that I begged all these years to please give me a little more attention and love.

8 months before Discovery day he started s.exting women on tick tock and spent most of a summer messaging them with very racy messages. I actually caught him with the other Affairs because of this. At this point on Discovery day our children were nine and 12 years old (they are adopted, because you can't get pregnant if you never have sex). My husband had never been bad to them all these years and he was a pretty good dad when he was around so I decided to let him stay. It has been 2 years since Discovery day and he is a much nicer person. He still doesn't like to do the full wham bam but he's a lot more affectionate and his story almost makes sense. It still sucks that he had to bring all this crap into our marriage to fix his problem.

We got married as virgins and maybe this was the problem. I discovered that I really liked having sex and he discovered that he didn't like it. I told him how much I liked it, but he never would admit to me that he didn't. Over the years I tried to do many different things, and I have looked very different over the years. I have offered to watch movies, I have offered to bring in toys, wear other clothes, etc., but none of this worked for him. I have never heard of men that do not like to use their p.enis. I suppose this is a good excuse, and I wonder how often this is true. He is fine with me never touching that area.

I still love him, but I think if I had to do it all over again, knowing he would suck as a husband, I would just leave him shortly after our honeymoon and try a marriage with somebody that wasn't going to make me be lonesome for 32 years.

Viking Princess

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2022   ·   location: Pa
id 8772481

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:49 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Bump per OP request.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2676   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807490

 HurtAndConfused2022 (original poster new member #82679) posted at 10:04 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Hi everyone, I wanted to update you all since I first posted in January. Man has it been a wild, hard, ride.

I know that I never responded back to anyones replies, I took some time off the page and off of social media to focus on healing. It's been a rough year but I am starting to do better. I broke up with my cheating ex-fiance in January. For a while I tried to make it work with my then fiance. I fought for us, cried, prayed, agreed to take a break. I did everything I could to try and make it work. To move towards reconciliation and move past what happened. We agreed to do counseling separately. I did counseling for 5 months and he quit after 1.5 months. Even tho we agreed on a break, I officially broke up with him a few weeks later because I was dying on the inside, especially not knowing what he was doing. He didn't seem to realize how awful I felt. When we broke up in January, he immediately deleted me off fb and all other socials, and asked me not to 'blast him' and tell others what happened between us.

After a few months of no contact, we talked and we tried to remain friends because prior to this he was my best friend. Before this, we talked every day, spent the weekends together, taught language revitalization classes together (we are both Native American), etc. He was my first bf and I absolutely loved him- flaws and all. At that point, a small part of me hoped to reconcile. However, talking to him kept the wound open and there was no real accountability on his part because he still felt he had access to me. If I didn't respond to a message immediately, he would get mad and message back an "ok then" message. I couldn't heal, so we decided to just stop talking and no longer have contact with each other. At that point, he blocked me on messenger and fb (again) and that was the end of that.

A few weeks later ago, almost 8 months after I found out he cheated, I made a general social media post talking about my healing journey and the struggle this year has been. I didn't use his name and I didn't go into detail about what happened. Apparently my post got back to him (which I don't care about) but he messaged me mad/upset because "now people know what happened" and now he just feels even worse than he already did since our breakup (because he says he's really been struggling). I blocked his texts and he unblocked me on fb to message me there. I blocked him there too. Since then, he has completely deactivated fb (or is back on and has blocked me lol). A small part of me feels bad for talking about what happened on social media but I need to share my story to truly heal. BUT, I am also pissed that he thinks he has the nerve to dictate how I heal. He fucked up and wants me to feel bad for him...ugh.

I'm dreading the anniversary of our engagement (which was 2 days before my birthday). October is already hard for me as I had 1 grandmother die on my b-day and the other died 3 days before my b-day. NOW, I have this shitty thing to add to that week of awfulness. But, I think my best friend is going to come spend a few days with me for my birthday so that will be good.

I am learning how to move forward without him in my life. At first it felt like a huge part of me was missing without him in my life but I have had to remind myself that I was whole before I met him and I will be whole again without him. I don't cry as much anymore- I used to cry every day. Some days still suck but everyday is a step forward. I have good friends and a great family. My mother was able to spend some time with me where I live and she helped me more than words can say. I still sometimes find myself thinking about the what-ifs and the could-have-beens but those days are gone and his actions determined that those days won't happen. I love a man who no longer exists, or maybe he never did. It is what it is now and I need to focus on myself and moving forward in a healthy way for me.

Thank you so much to those that took the time to help me by sharing your experiences and advice. When I first posted, I don't think I was ready to hear what you all said, but I realize now your words were not meant to be hurtful but just the harsh reality of the situation. I am spending more time on this page and it is helping. Again, thank you all!

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2023
id 8807541

ShameIHaveNoFriends ( new member #83790) posted at 9:03 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt update with us. It's clear that you've been on an incredibly challenging journey, and your strength and resilience shine through your words.

Breaking away from a relationship, especially after infidelity, is never easy. You've shown immense courage in prioritising your own healing and well-being. You deserve all the credit for trying to make it work and then recognising when it was time to let go.

Your healing process is unique to you, and sharing your story on social media can be a powerful way to find support and connect with others who may be going through similar experiences. You have every right to express your feelings and experiences as you see fit, and it's not for anyone else to dictate how you should heal.

It's also important to acknowledge that moving forward without someone who was once a significant part of your life can be challenging. However, you've already come so far and have made remarkable progress. Remember that your worth and wholeness come from within, and you are rediscovering your strength and resilience.

Your upcoming birthday, even though it has held painful memories, presents a chance for a new beginning and a celebration of your progress and strength. Gathering with supportive friends and family can be a beautiful way to commemorate this moment.

Keep focusing on your journey of self-discovery and healing. The what-ifs and could-have-beens may linger, but they do not define your future. You are on a path to becoming the best version of yourself, and that's a journey worth taking.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and allowing others to find inspiration and hope in your words.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2023
id 8807588

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 6:46 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Impressive healing, OP!

There are so many BSs who can learn from your journey, so thanks for sharing it!


posts: 498   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8807652
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