Just another blow...

Hi all!

I broke up with my cheating ex in January of this year. He cheated after only being engaged a month (together almost 3 years) and never apologized for his actions. I saw him for the first time the beginning of this month at a conference for work. I didn't even want to go to the conference out of fear of seeing him, but I went and took a close friend/ colleague went with me. He showed up, of course, but didn't make any attempts to acknowledge me in person. No head nod, f*ck you, nothing. BUT, he did sit at a table where he had a perfect view of me the entire time, he made a big show of getting up quick to greet our friends as soon as they came, hugging, shaking hands, etc. I wanted to cry as soon as I saw him, all the memories and feelings -good and bad- came rushing back which sucked. But, I held it together during the conference days and cried in my hotel room at night. Ironically enough, the hotel that we were put in by my school is the last place we stayed together after I found out he cheated. After the first day of the conference, that night, he tried to re-add me on snapchat. I was pissed and upset at the same time. He tried to add me, deleted the request like 10 minutes later, re-sent the request, then deleted it again like 20 minutes later. Like WTF. A very small part of me wanted to see what he wanted, but also I'm right there in person if you needed to say anything to me. But, he doesn't have the balls to do that apparently.

The second day, he went to a few different sessions I went to (that our friends were presenting at) and again made a show of sitting in the front row, joking with them, etc. But as soon as the session was over be high-tailed it out of there. That same day, one of my aunties needed a ride back to her hotel so we were walking out to my car together. He was walking out the same time -of course- and didn't hold the door open for us. We walked the same way to our cars and he freaking parked next to me. Again, WTF. The last day, he didn't even show up to the conference which was nice, because I felt I could let my guard down just a little. I also got the chance to talk to a mutual friend of ours, who met me when we were "us." We somehow got on the subject of my ex and she said that she heard what happened (and saw my mom's angry fb comment on my healing post lol). She said that our mutual friend group in the language community still loved me a supported me but also knew that I was 'mourning' and wanted to respect my privacy. That felt good to hear.

She also had other info to tell me about him. She said that before we got together he was known as the 'welcome wagon' for all the new women on the reservation because he would get with all the new teachers etc. Right before he got together with me, he apparently was with some other woman. After we got together tho, she genuinely thought he was growing up and settling down. She saw him maturing and becoming a better man, or so she thought. She never saw him with anyone else and he was really grounded with me. She said that I was the best thing that could have happened to him. However, towards the end, she said she saw him changing but she never thought that he would cheat on me. Apparently after our friends started asking questions and she confronted him about cheating, he denied it and lied to her face. She then asked him again and he said he cheated on me ONCE because he was stressed about the wedding THAT WE HADN'T EVEN ANNOUNCED OR STARTED PLANNING. He went on an 'apology campaign' to all of our friends for his actions but never apologized to me.

Fast forward to a couple days ago. One of my best friends from college told me that her coworker's sister was on dating apps and my ex was apparently messaging people on dating apps while we were together. I was absolutely flabbergasted to hear this to say the least.

I know I lucked out and this whole breakup has been a blessing in disguise. I know that I deserve more and I didn't deserve any of this shit. But, it still hurts to hear again and again that this man was a complete douche bag tool. I feel used and dirty, that I was apparently just the next person on his list. That even when we were together he was looking for something else???? I sit here wondering what was real from all of this. I gave this man everything I had and was 100% committed to our relationship and he apparently couldn't care less. It is helpful to hear these things, they are reminders that I am better off without him, but it feels like every time I hear something new the scab is picked off. Every time I start to feel good, something else trickles in and upsets me. This shit hurts and I hate that I fell in love with such an asshole. I know that I will survive but damn...

9 comments posted: Monday, October 23rd, 2023

Moving on, but still struggling (long read, but support is appreciated!!)

My partner and I were together for a little under 3 years when we got engaged last October. I was so happy to be getting married to such an incredible man who shared the same values and culture as I did. However, mid December, I got a message from a random woman with screenshots of their conversations. Turns out last November he slept with his ex-girlfriend twice and was cheating on me. I was shocked because there was no indication of anything wrong. We never had any major fights, we shared the same values (or so I thought), same goals and aspirations, etc. I always did all I could to support him and his goals. I helped him with projects for work, with his classes for his Masters, and I even helped take care of his mother after she had a stroke when his siblings wouldn't step up. I did all that I could to be a loving, supportive partner. We talked about marriage and kids, both conversations initiated by him. He told all our friends about proposing and even got help picking out the perfect ring.

Initially, I tried to fight for us. In January, we agreed to take a break and do counseling separately. I did counseling for 5 months and he quit after 1.5 months. Even tho we agreed on a break, I officially broke up with him a few weeks later because I was dying on the inside, especially not knowing what he was doing. He didn't seem to realize how awful I felt. When we broke up in January, he immediately deleted me off fb and all other socials, and asked me not to 'blast him' and tell others what happened between us.

After a few months of no contact, we talked and we tried to remain friends because prior to this he was my best friend. Before this, we talked every day, spent the weekends together, taught language revitalization classes together (we are both Native American), etc. He was my first bf and I absolutely loved him- flaws and all. At that point, a small part of me hoped to reconcile. However, talking to him kept the wound open and there was no real accountability on his part because he still felt he had access to me. If I didn't respond to a message immediately, he would get mad and message back an "ok then" message. I couldn't heal, so we decided to just stop talking and no longer have contact with each other. At that point, he blocked me on messenger and fb (again) and that was the end of that.

A few weeks later ago, almost 8 months after I found out he cheated, I made a general social media post talking about my healing journey and the struggle this year has been. I didn't use his name and I didn't go into detail about what happened. Apparently my post got back to him (which I don't care about) but he messaged me mad/upset because "now people know what happened" and now he just feels even worse than he already did since our breakup (because he says he's really been struggling). I blocked his texts and he unblocked me on fb to message me there. I blocked him there too. Since then, he has completely deactivated fb (or is back on and has blocked me lol). A small part of me feels bad for talking about what happened on social media but I need to share my story to truly heal. BUT, I am also pissed that he thinks he has the nerve to dictate how I heal. He fucked up and wants me to feel bad for him...ugh.

We both live in small rural communities about an hour apart and have a large group of mutual friends (which I really haven't seen since the breakup and everything because idk what to tell them). I'm worried to see the woman he cheated on me with or even see him at this point because it all still hurts and I (probably foolishly) still have a small part of me that loves him. Next month is a big language conference in our state and I really want to go (because I love the language and culture-- we actually met at a similar conference) but I am also terrified to see him because idk how to act or what he will say/how he will act. But, I don't want to stop doing the things that I love because of him. I don't want to stop living my life because I am scared. I know that much but it is still really hard sometimes.

I'm dreading the anniversary of our engagement (which was 2 days before my birthday). October is already hard for me as I had 1 grandmother die on my b-day and the other died 3 days before my b-day. NOW, I have this shitty thing to add to that week of awfulness...

I know this post is all over the place, and idk what I'm even looking for here, but I just needed to share/vent. I have a good support system but I also don't want to always burden them with the same stuff consistently. I am doing better than I was a few months ago and I no longer cry all the time like the first few months. I try not to focus on it all the time and let it consume me, but some days are harder than others and some days I just wake up 'in a mood.' Today was one of those days (I am also filling out my request for work to attend that language conference so that doesn't help).

Do things get any easier? How do I trust anyone moving forward, especially another potential significant other (not that that is even going to be on my radar any time soon lol)? For those that decided to leave, how did you heal and move forward? Thank you...

ETA: We do not have any shared assets, property, no children, or anything else that binds us together.

10 comments posted: Thursday, August 31st, 2023

What now????

I found out at the beginning of December that my significant other of almost 2 years cheated on me and slept with his ex. When I found out (she messaged me with screenshots) I confronted him and he admitted everything. We spent the next week together because of previous commitments and talked off and on about it. He said he wanted to be with me, loved me, and stopped contact with her. We agreed to try counseling and work through it and not give up. He is my first boyfriend (I waited a long time to find a good person) and I don't want to give up on 2 years of a great relationship. We have been through a lot together and I don't believe in giving up.

A few months prior to him cheating, he proposed and we were going to announce it at Christmas. When I asked why he cheated, he said he panicked and self-sabotages because of his past and childhood trauma. He said he doesn't deserve to be happy so that's why he cheated, because we were too good to last. He also said his child from a previous relationship didn't want him getting married or having any other kids. I asked him if it was a genuine accident/mistake that he made when he cheated or if it was a way for him to get out when he panicked. He doesn't know.

I am crushed, I went home to see my family for Christmas alone, and we didn't text much the week I was gone. He was distant and not really responding to my messages. I then came back for NYE and we talked. He decided he needs time to think things over and deal with his issues. He doesn't want me to help him through those issues, he says he needs to do it alone. He said he will try counseling but doesn't believe in it. He didn't give me a timeline and I didn't know what to say or do. I was crushed and devastated beyond words.

I am absolutely crushed. I was so confident that I had found my soul mate, the person that I was going to spend my life with. We talked about getting married, starting a family, we had plans to move in and start a life together (we live in separate cities about an hour apart so just spent weekends together). We talked about being partners in all things. We share a similar cultural background, passions, the same friends group, same hobbies. I don't know how to be without him. I live in a small community so it's not like I can do other things and not see him or just move on. I don't know what to do. He is my person.

I told him I would never stop loving him, and I wouldn't give up on us. I told him that what he did hurt me beyond words but I would forgive him, I thought we could heal from this. This is our first conflict in 2 years of being together. Being with him feels natural. I told him I would give him time, because I loved him and loved us. I hope he gets the help he needs and hopefully is able to talk to his son. He deserves to be happy and deserves to have a life, more kids if he wants, and I pray that it is with me.

I don't know what I am looking for here. I guess some support, words of encouragement, something. He is my person and I am not going to give up, but I am struggling to survive the day to day. I don't know what to do now that we aren't spending weekends together. My whole life has been upturned. I am consumed by my grief, the fear of the unknown. I cry at the drop of a hat. I dream about it, about him. I can't eat half the time because of the nerves. The other half of the time I feel sick. I love him with all my heart and I pray that he will heal and still want to be with me, but I am so scared of the unknown and what my life might be without him.

19 comments posted: Friday, January 6th, 2023