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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Here I am again, for the last time, no third chances

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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 10:38 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Hey everyone. WH and I are early 30's. Been together over a decade. Not married. No Kids.

WH had an online EA 6 years ago. We decided to R, he literally did EVERYTHING you'd expect a truly remorseful partner to do. I really thought, after 6 years, we had R'd very well.

Welp, I had a feeling.

Today I snooped in his messages and found some inappropriate chat between him and ANOTHER mutual friend. I took screenshots and confronted him. However..I kept it very vague. I didn't show him what I had, told him I wanted to talk to him about this other person, and that he had this one chance to come clean to me about everything and anything. And boy did he. Basically the exact playbook from the first EA. Inappropriate sex chats, sending nudes, masturbating together over calls, etc.

And that was it. I told him I don't give third chances, and we're going through separation. I just feel..so numb. He says he's ruined the best thing he ever had, I agreed. He said he's mentally fucked up and self-sabotages, I agreed. He's been on a wait list to see a psychologist. I suggested he still go through with it so maybe he can be a better person for whomever he ends up with next. He's been sobbing and I've been largely ignoring him.

I was colder to him than I've ever been in my life during these talks, and I've never been cold to him.

I need some guidance on what on earth I should do. We live together in an apt, share finances, share a car.

The first time the EA happened, I didn't tell a soul. Since we decided to R, I think it was a good idea. However this time..Things are different. We're splitting, and our social life is too intertwined for it to be kept under wraps. Does it matter when I tell our friends and family? We share a social media server with our friends and they're going to notice the absence.

I initially planned on telling our 3 closest friends about it tonight. Is that too soon? I'm also struggling with the fact that his friends may choose me and dump him. He is not close with his family and his friends are all he has. I still love him and hate the idea of him being left with no one.

How should I go about separating our lives? Finances, apt, car, etc..

Thank you sad

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 11:15 PM, Tuesday, November 22nd]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766342
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 11:54 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Good for you on making a healthy and bold decision! Your friends are going to want to know why you're splitting up, so, yeah, tell them. As far as your partner goes: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He wasn't concerned about your well-being while he was sexting up other people. He has shown you exactly how much your relationship meant. Believe him. His well-being is no longer your concern, and that's on HIM, not you.

If he feels all alone, he can always hit up his sexting partner, right?

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 245   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8766359
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 12:00 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

So you don't think telling them tonight is too soon?

Yeah, he says he probably has some sort of mental illness, sex addiction, poor impulse control, etc, and goes on about how what he's done and the consequences of it didn't make him happy. I keep telling him I hope he works it out with his psychologist and can come away from it a better person 🤷‍♀️

He's said he'll pay for anything I need, that I can stay in our apt as long as I want, that he'd give me rides even when I move out, which is nice I guess

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766360
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:08 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

If you are certain in your decision, no, tonight is not too soon. It's never too soon to start the rest of your life.

If you are wavering in your decision, then you may want to wait.

My WH also has blamed his mental health for his multiple, multiple EAs/PAs. Well, your partner can work on fixing his shit, and maybe, just maybe, You'll take him back someday. BTW, we ALL have mental fuckery going on, and we don't all use it as an excuse to stab our partners in the back.

He's doing and saying all those things to make himself feel a teensy-tinesy bit like less of a shit, not out of altruism.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 245   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8766363
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 12:13 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

He's said he'll pay for anything I need, that I can stay in our apt as long as I want, that he'd give me rides even when I move out, which is nice I guess

If you are really firm in your "I don't give third chances", then I think it's better to detach, if possible I suggest you decline his offer to ride with him in the car and find your own place as soon as possible, tell close mutual friends and family first, also don't forget to get tested for STDs, serial cheaters lie a lot. Keep posting frequently.

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8766364
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 12:36 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

I'm just riding a wave of emotions. I truly wanted to be with this man forever. He's been hysterically crying about never being able to hold my hand again, to smell my hair, hold me, and it's taking all of my willpower not to break down.

He's literally groveling, begging to be allowed to sit closer to me. The realization that he doesn't have me anymore seems to come in hysteric waves.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 1:02 AM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766370
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 3:17 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Hi, on my way to bed, but just some food for thought...

He's shown you repeatedly who he is, please believe him.

He's crying for himself. While he was sexting or whatever else he was doing (could have been having sex, remember cheaters lie), he never gave you a second thought.

Move on with your life, there's a faithful man out there somewhere.

He's a master manipulator, don't fall for it.

Lean on family and friends now, you need their support.

Please get tested for STDS asap.

posts: 11665   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8766393
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:53 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Did he cry and sob years ago when you discovered he cheated? If so, he then got comfortable enough to do it again.

Soooo…..fast forward — you have forgiven him (yet again) and it’s 3 years later. Do you think it won’t happen again? Once he gets comfortable enough he could re-start the cycle.

I think you are doing the right thing. Detach. Move on. Stop worrying about him and who his friends may or may not be.

He has to face the consequences.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766404
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 1:21 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Good morning everyone, still having such an awful time. WH slept on the couch, I in the bed. The entire day yesterday I was as cold as ice. No touching, no kissing, no cuddling, no physical contact of any kind. He kept peppering in "I love you's" at every chance, I never said it back. This is destroying me inside.

I guess some sort of consolation is that he is an absolute groveling, remorseful mess. Seeing him in pain does not make me happy, it never has and never will. He's been constantly ranting about not knowing what's wrong with him, why he'd throw away everything he had with me, and for what? That I was the most precious, perfect thing in his world and he abused me the way he did. He thinks he's sick, that something is seriously wrong with him mentally. Sex addiction, impulse problems, self-sabotaging issues, etc. Begging, pleading with me to know how much he loves me. Saying he'd give up anything and everyone to be able to show me. He'd never go online again, he'd give me his phone before he went to work. I told him that sounded awful, I don't want to be "in charge" of the relationship, I don't want to be the over-watcher of his behavior.

This morning he again lamented about how terrible he is, how he doesn't know why he does these things, that he still doesn't seem to understand his brain. I'm still saying we're going to separate, but it will take a little time for me to get all of our finances and things in order. I had asked in my first post, but where should I even go from here? Again, we share finances, share a car, share an apt with really good rent. I have no family here, they're all a 20+ hour drive away in another country.

He begged me to give him the mercy of going to one last couple's therapy session with him, not to get me back, but to maybe get answers and to see himself clearer. I've agreed for now. He's begging to help him with these addictions, that they aren't him deep down. And when I say begging, I mean the man would impale himself on a kitchen knife if I implied it might make me think twice about him.

I haven't told our friends yet. I wanted at least one night to collect myself the best I can. I told my work and took a personal day today. I'll be telling our mutual friends tonight. I'm still so lost and confused.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 1:43 PM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766422
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:10 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

He wants you to help him?!

How is he going to help you after everything he’s done?

He can let you move on with your life and stop subjecting you to infidelity.

He’s manipulating you and he thinks he can get away with it… because he go away with it before.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 946   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766430
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 2:35 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

If he loves you as much as he claims…and he’s as f’ed up as he says he is, he won’t ask you to stay in the relationship - even while he purportedly works on himself. He’s not a safe partner - as he has well demonstrated. If he doesn’t know why he does what he does then he cannot make any guarantees that he won’t do it again. He wants you to hang around, in that kind of dynamic, while he tries to figure it out? How is that in your best interest??

The logistics of the separation are something he should both be helping to resolve AND minimizing the peripheral effects on you. This is his fault AND he loves you madly, right? If those two things are actually true for him then making things as easy (and safe) for you as possible should be his top priority. His actions NOW matter just as much as his actions prior and his professed intentions for future actions.

He has earned his current (and appropriate) consequences. He doesn’t get to side step those by leaning on the past structures of the relationship he just blew up. THIS is how you demonstrate true remorse. Everything else is just "Hail Marys" in an attempt to save his own skin. Ask him to actually pay the consequences of his own actions and THEN judge his sincerity of remorse.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8919   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8766436
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 2:44 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

@truthsetmefree: Thank you for your response. He has been offering to basically cut off his arms for me if I need it. He's fine with me staying in our apt as long as I need to, keeping me on his health insurance as long as I need it, so on and so forth.

Ask him to actually pay the consequences of his own actions and THEN judge his sincerity of remorse.

This really means a lot to me. As of right now, I've told him multiple times we are separated, we are not a couple. THANKFULLY we both aren't traditional on the views of marriage and so we've only ever been Common-Law, which makes things way less complicated I think.

I'm going to continue forward separating my life from him the best I can. Opening my own bank account and paying half of our bills from there. Getting my own phone plan, etc. I'll be keeping an eye on what he does in the meantime. I'm still very bummed about having to maybe lose our apartment. We got an amazing deal on it and if I leave and get a new lease in the same building, I won't get all of those benefits anymore. Not to mention rent is insane EVERYWHERE anymore. Moving back with family isn't really an option right now. They're too far away, and although they have "room" for me in that I'd have a bed to sleep on, I won't have room for my things or what I need to work.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 2:46 PM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766440
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Why would you want "one last couple's therapy session?" He's fucked up. You're not.

He can go alone and explain how he blew up the couple.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8766441
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 2:56 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

I'm not really sure, but I don't really care. We'd be using a video chat session so it's not like I have to go anywhere. I'll humor him.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766443
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:02 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

WG, I highly recommend that you search around a little for Regret vs Remorse. What you're seeing is regret because it is all focused on HIM. HE needs you to go to therapy with him. HE needs you to help him through this. HE needs you to tell him what to do to make things right. It's not focused on YOU and your needs. In fact, he's outright ignoring what you need by asking you to help him thus catering to HIS needs. He's still first and as long as he keeps the focus on himself, he will choose HIM over you when the time comes and future temptations arise.

Are you familiar with the 180? Follow it. No more talk of anything but what needs to happen to get YOUR needs met for space and separation. Can you stay somewhere else temporarily just to be able to breathe a little better without him pleading and coercing you into fixing the broken relationship?

posts: 5164   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8766446
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 3:05 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

He’s fine with you staying in the apartment as long as you need while he is also there?. Why are YOU looking to basically have to couch-surf?? HE is the one who should be doing that.

Ask for what you need so that this minimally affects you in terms of the logistics. He just blew up your life. What is the restitution for that? Not that he’s just had another affair - "I don’t know why I did that. Something must be really wrong with me. I’ll see a therapist and won’t do that again. I PROMISE!"

No. He needs to make whatever he can RIGHT NOW better. No promises…direct sacrifices RIGHT NOW. Sleep on a friend’s couch, take the bus. Accept the consequences and not ask you to also share the load (beyond what he has already put on you.)

My guess is he’s likely not going to want to do this. But you also need to see that instead of just hearing his lamentations about the past and future. He’s evidently good at appearing to be remorseful. Put him to the real test.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8919   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8766447
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 3:14 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

@nekonamida & @truthsetmefree

Unfortunately there is nowhere either of us can stay. I'm definitely not on the couch in this situation, he is.

I told him basically what you have told me, that I need direct sacrifices NOW to make my separating my life from him as easy and painless as at all possible. I don't want to hear him crying about what he'll do in the future. He agreed immediately and offered to take me to the bank this evening to get our finances separated. Unfortunately I believe he has to be there in order to separate the accounts, but whatever.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766450
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:16 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

I don’t think he will be a good partner for anyone. This behavior is so entrenched in him that he’s right when he says he is screwed up. He most definitely needs a therapist who deals with sex addiction and he needs group therapy to keep him in line but that is a terrible struggle because it is an addiction much like alcoholism. I know you love him and I think he probably loves you but you cannot fix him. It’s going to take him years.

You have to protect yourself because you know that this is what he does. He might be able to stop for a year or two but I’m guessing this is not the second one he’s done. I’m guessing it’s been going on because that’s what addicts do.

Every time you tell her you cannot take it back so be cautious about how you go about this. If this is a true addiction you don’t want to shame him anymore than he is already shamed. I would suggest you and he decide how you’re going to present this to your friends. At some point he might want to open up to others but you don’t have to. Take the highroad in this one. Just take care of yourself.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766451
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 WonderingGhost (original poster new member #81060) posted at 3:22 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Thank you for your reply. I haven't been shaming him, it's not who I am inside. Just hurt. The way I plan to present it to our friends is that he's cheated on me twice, and after I forgave him the first time, I told him this was his second chance. He blew it. I plan on telling them I believe he truly does have some sort of mental health and addiction problems that he needs to address with a professional, and I truly want him to grow and become better. I also will be telling them that their friendship means the world to him, and I am in no way asking anyone to pick sides in the matter.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2022
id 8766452
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 3:23 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Are the hotels and motels all booked too? He can't afford a $50/night room for a few days?

posts: 5164   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8766453
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