I did some searching on the site and didn't find much of this, so just wondering if anyone else has thoughts or can relate.
Real FULL DDay for me was 11/10, so just 11 days ago. I got some of this 10/17 and after, though.
WS cheated in the mid-90s and told me days later, then cheated in 2004 and 2005 with two different people (just discovered) and had midly-to-highly inappropriate "banter" for years with female friends/etc. that didn't actually rise to the level of infidelity IMO. But still some betrayal-- some much closer to infidelity than others, definitely stuff that, about 80% of the time, he would have considered wrong had I done it with a man. Certainly there's evidence of that "banter" through 2018 and diminishing around then for a good reason I won't bore you with*.
The thing is... not only did I know about the existence of all of these women (but thought they were "just friends"), he talked me up to them, wanted me to meet them, and literally every one of them had a very high opinion of me and liked me very much. Perhaps in one case (the online affair of 04-05), more mildly favorable/jealous, but never negative. He never, as far as I know, talked shit about me with them, and when it came to what I discovered on my own (emails/texts/etc.) he spoke very highly of me to them.
I can say that the PA from 04-05 (on our Christmas card list!) definitely liked me and was kind to me. Except for the part about ****ing my husband. (I knew of her as his sometime-work colleague and met her in person in 06 after the PA ended. The PA was 4 brief hookups on business trips.)
The inappropriate-banter ladies (friends) all loooovvved me-- or love me still. WS has mostly "good taste" (ugh) so they are mostly pretty fabulous people and I have always gotten along with all of them.
Last week, after D-Day, he felt guilty about being inappropriate with two of his closer friends in the past-- from textual evidence from 2009-2016 I had found and given him. Guilty in part that he had subjected them to creepiness when he really just wanted to be their friend.... mostly, I think... but apparently needed additional validation because he's insatiable on that front. He hadn't (I believe sincerely) fully appreciated how over-the-line he had been until I showed him the messages. He then very stupidly contacted them 2 days post DDay to apologize for his inappropriateness-- which also led to an admission to each of them that he had cheated on me and I had left when I found out. Don't worry, our MC has already reamed him out for getting validation from women he... had sought inappropriate validation from! You know, "Oh, I don't remember you being inappropriate!" Or, "I understand where it came from" and "You are not evil" types of things.
That said. One of them in particular was very upset about him possibly losing me-- she thinks the world of me. And that's so typical. Like... this is my life. WTH.
Obviously I know intellectually it's not ME that he was ever dissatisfied with.
And I have some insight into how having an "incredible marriage" to a "cool wife" actually acts as a signal to women that he is safe, that he won't actually try anything with them, or maybe that he can be an outlet for them to reciprocate and be inappropriate with (in some, not all cases, with my WS)... and also that it raises his status. As a heterosexual woman, I can say I think it reflects well on a man and makes him more "attractive" to me in a general, human sort of way if he has a beautiful or wonderful wife whom he seems to love very much... if that makes sense.
Like if some brilliant hottie loves this man, he must be pretty cool.
Am I on any kind of track here? Has anyone else experienced this? What insights have you gleaned? Just fitting together the puzzle. Thanks.
*I DO believe I have the full truth when it comes to infidelity, though not all details, now. I won't go into why, but FWIW.