SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HellFire... I did not know him before he went in or well I thought I did... See I met him, but not in person and he made it seem like he was a truck driver OTR. Its a long story, one which breaks my heart to even go down that path.. anyway I recently found out the extent of time he was actually in. His family and high level officials assisted in this cover up, which to me is just outrageous and sad. At the end of the day, I still love him even though it all started from a lie. I keep writing in here but I think I am going to take a step back. You see I am looking for support and hoping to read some stories that will assist me. But all I keep hearing is leave him and this and that. I myself have to make that decision. Which my decision is to stay, however going forward I have already made it clear it will not be tolerated. He may get more crafty at which point we will be done. Whats done in the dark always comes to the light.... I love this man and have children with him, so it is not an easy just bye. I thank you all for your inputs... but I am just working on myself now. Trying to mend what has been broken inside of me....

In the emotional state you are in — you are contradicting yourself. You say "I won’t leave him" but "if it happens again we are done".

Please get yourself some professional counseling.

It will help you tremendously.

No one here can predict if your H will cheat again. But based on how you met, starting a relationship based on lies is not a good way to start off.

I’m just saying…….

The1stWife, yes I am not leaving right now; however it is not something I will tolerate. I will be leaving if it happens again is what I mean. I finally took a stand this last time that was more stern then before. Before I just broke inside silently. I am in counseling, I feel this group is very negative and just not uplifting. No contradiction, but thanks

Truthis Power No one argues that the decision is solely yours. It is for you to decide how you want your Marriage to be. But you have no real Marriage whatsoever.

I am sorry but who are you to tell me I have no "real marriage"? Are you in my home? No. Please don't judge, as you do not know what I have fully been through with my husband. Its kind of sad that on a page where there are forums for support, we are bringing people down more. Yes, my marriage has problems, but my marriage is REAL. But that's fine what you think, as I do not have to prove it.... its just sad that you would even state that to someone.

BrokenAngel, I wish I could give you a hug. I wish that we could say there is some magic potion that would heal your heart and make your husband be a stand up truthful man.

I understand if you feel you have to leave. But, please, for your sake, read some of the stories here. And don't forget about this place, because (and I do hope I am so very wrong) I think you're going to need this group.

No one wants to tell someone their house may be devastated by a storm, but if there were a storm heading your way, wouldn't you rather be prepared?

I know you don't want to hear it now, but keep this site in mind. It'll be here if you ever need it.

We don't sugarcoat. What you will get here is real,practical,hard earned wisdom.

It sounds like you knew him online,while he was in prison,and didn't actually meet him until he was released.

Sweetheart..you never really knew him. The man you thought you knew was a fantasy. One he spun,to keep the letters,and commissary coming. It's really easy for people to lie to people online,when they want something. He was lonely. You wasted 8 years, waiting on a man who never existed. The real him cheats on his pregnant wife,and,even worse,cheats while the wife sits bedside by their newborn in the NICU. This is not a quality man.

No one here is trying to make you leave him. We are trying to get you to open your eyes,and see him for who he is. He is not the fantasy you thought he was. That man was made of lies,told by the abuser who lays in your bed.

We will be here when you return. He will cheat again. You threatening to leave means nothing to him. He doesnt believe you.

I wish you the best.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:08 PM, Wednesday, November 2nd]

BrokenAngel

My situation is different then a number of people as no one really understands when a man comes home from incarceration... or the old school Italian way.

Friend – with the sole purpose of helping you heal – if you truly believe your situation is so different and unique that nobody else can truly understand it then there is no way a forum like this can help you.

A very hard thing to accept and understand is that our situations are only unique in the sense that they are about US. I venture that most (if not all) you are experiencing and feeling has been experienced by someone here. Human nature, emotions and reactions are more-or-less universal. "Old School Italian Way"… Italian DNA is the same as German or French or plain old Hodge-podge of fifth generation mixed from different ethnic backgrounds USA.

I’m not going to tell you to leave your husband. I didn’t comment on your earlier thread. But what I can tell you is that nothing you do, will do or can do will make him stop cheating.
What will make him stop cheating is when he realizes it’s not right. He will stop cheating when HE stops cheating. Not because he deItalianizes or whatever.
All you can do is create the situation where it aids him in realizing he stands to lose more by keeping up his behaviors than he stands to gain by change.

If that can’t be done… I would suggest to anyone to leave.

Some days I came here to read. If you read enough stories here, you will have the knowledg3 of a hundred lives to draw upon.

We are all here to learn, to love, to exercise free will. This is your chance to live and to do and see. Make it the best that it can be. Live your life in peace, free from worry and stress. Any time you feel something is wrong, stand up for yourself, speak your truth and choose the good path.

Above all, never be afraid and always be kind to those who need your help.

Peace to you.

HellFire actually that's not how we met; We married in prison. Its hard to explain, as only people who understand that life will get it. By no means am I saying my situation is different when it comes to cheating, but I am saying that my situation is more then just cheating. It is about someone who has missed out on a lot of life experiences, he knows what's right and what's wrong but no excuse for the cheating. I am definitely not looking for sugarcoating; but I am also not looking for more toxicity. I hope to find someone who is actually looking to R with their husband and who struggles as I do. Not all the negative people who keep saying leave when they do not know the whole story.

Thanks for your input

This forum is meant to share experiences and knowledge about similar situations to yours. There will be advice. Loads of it.

One should take what suits and leave the rest.

What one should never do is simply and batlantly disregard what very experienced forum members say - as many of what is said has got fundamental bases relying on years of infidelity experience around here.

Don't ever think people are saying to leave just as an easy way out/detached/no consideration comment. Consider the information wisely. At least put it all on the table and reflect upon it. To put it simple: even if you plan to, you SHOULD NOT reconcile as quickly as you are trying to do. You need time to access what the hell just happened in your life. Time for yourself.

By not doing so you are in for a train wreck in the future. I hope I'm wrong.

All the best.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:04 PM, Friday, November 4th]

Many,many of the members who have commented have reconciled. I'm one of them. So we know what needs to take place in order for a successful reconciliation to take place. We know you must have a WS who is all in..moves mountains..gets comfortable with being uncomfortable. They must be transparent,and honest. They must have a BS who doesn't make excuses for their bad behavior, and holds them accountable.

Good advice is sometimes hard to hear. That doesn't make it any less valuable.

What work is HE doing to become a safe partner?

HellFire commissary? again do you know my situation? I'm sorry but you may know people who were people incarcerated, but I did not do commissary. So no it was not fake, however I do feel he hide a lot of his life to try and upgrade from the trash he was with prior. You claim to not be judgmental, but you are. I will stop responding to your responses. You do not know if my husband will cheat again; not everyone is the same. Nor do you fully know my situation. I am looking for help and I am sorry but you sound like a miserable person. We have been working on our marriage and some days I am flooded and others we are fine. You claim to have R I believe you said in another post unless I am thinking of someone else. But how would you like it if I said they will cheat on you again; they are the worse human alive. Give me a break.... that is not support. Misery loves company and I will not be your company... I am getting myself together and trying to rebuild my marriage. So your commentary is not needed. Thanks!

I’m suggesting that this forum is not helping the OP and we should stop responding. It seems we are triggering her and we are not being helpful.

Nope. Not miserable. I wish you well. You say he is working towards R, but have yet to say what work he's actually doing. I hope,for your sake,he's doing the work a WS needs to do. Good luck.

1st wife..I agree.

Yep, Agree with 1stWife. That's why I stopped responding yesterday.

1. very likely what happens, OP and the collective wisdom of this forum does not have the same (or at least close) definitions for critical subjects. Same in regard to belief system and proper re-examination of it concerning the same critical subjects in question.

2. We've being asking the same question over and over about the work OP's WS is actually doing. Looks like this question is ignored for one reason or another.

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 1:52 PM, Thursday, November 3rd]

Gently, what type of responses are you hoping for?

I'm just going to be frank with you, OP. This isn't a paid service where you put your money in the slot and people spit out what you want to hear. And members who have freely given you a little of their own irreplaceable time are NOT "miserable people" if they don't agree that your chances for a satisfactory reconciliation are pretty small when you're dealing with a serial cheating ex-convict who doesn't appear to be doing any actual recovery work.

Sometimes, it's the commentary that makes us feel most defensive and uncomfortable which is best able to open us up to new points of view. Other times, we take what we need and leave the rest. If you go back and read your opening post, you've got real problems at home, and we've got a big bunch of generous people who listen and are willing to share their thoughts. That's a GOOD thing, not a bad one.

Gently, what type of responses are you hoping for?

Deep down she probably wants to hear what she already mentally decided she wanted for herself and for the relationship.

Other than that, all one can say at this point - having no further info on the subject (for instance, what his he doing to fix himself) - is that things may work out or they may not. And nothing else that gets out of that spectrum.

As someone pointed here, these forum can't help her. Not given the approach she brought here.

And again - I'm very sorry it is that way. Although it may not seem to you BrokenAngel12, people around here were genuinely trying to help you the best they could on their free time.

I hope everything goes well for you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:03 PM, Thursday, November 3rd]

I will leave you with this..

If you want TRUE reconciliation, you need to hold him accountable. You need to stop saying it's somewhat excusable,because he served significant time in prison. You need to set boundaries, and stick to them. You need to tell him HE has to do the work to become safe.

Things he should be doing...

Complete transparency. You get full access to all accounts, including the phone. All passwords.

He gets tested for stds.

He gets into IC to not only fix his issues surrounding infidelity, but also to help him transition from prisoner to free citizen.

He goes NC with all of the women.

He drops any friends who knew about the cheating.

He answers all of your questions without anger, blame,or defensiveness. For as long as you need to ask them.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you,the marriage,and himself.

He seeks out what he needs to be doing,meaning you don't direct him.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

You should be taking care of yourself. And watching his actions. Not his words. What is he doing? Is he trying to just move on, and pretend he didn't bomb the marriage? Or is he working on true change?

Work on yourself. Get stronger. Get yourself into a position where you will be ok if he cheats again. Where you know it's not your fault, and you can enforce those boundaries.

The work he needs to be doing has nothing to do with housework, being more loving,or spending time with the kids. Those are all things every adult husband and father should be doing. None of these things mean he's not still wayward.

Don't rugsweep. Don't excuse. Understand that true reconciliation is a process that takes years,if done correctly.

It is about someone who has missed out on a lot of life experiences, he knows what's right and what's wrong

I'm just saying... generally people who know what's right and what's wrong do not wind up doing hard time in prison and lying to good women on the outside to marry them.

BrokenAngel, this stops when you say it stops. Because he won't. He's proven this to you over and over. And until you actually see him for who he really IS, and not for who you want him to be, you'll be stuck in this same lonely miserable place. You deserve better. Divorce is not the worst thing, the worst thing is wasting your precious time and life staying with someone who has zero respect for you. That shit will kill your soul one breath at a time and no one deserves to live like that.