SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

sisoon: responses that are not judgmental... I do not understand how anyone could not understand what I am saying. I even spoke with my therapist and she said WOW. It is not okay to tell someone to repeatedly leave when they said that is something they are not willing to do at the time. She also stated the person who said my marriage is fake has no idea what they are talking about. So sorry, I know I am not crazy with expecting more respect from members when divulging information about my situation. Of course one comment about you should leave is not the end of the world but to keep going on and on about it is not okay. Just my take. I also do not take lightly the comment about the commissary kept coming as that is not something I did. I understand people do not know my life, but when reading over the comments its very judgemental

As for triggering me, no I just do not appreciate passing. judgement instead of giving advice. In giving advice, once a person says they won't do something you do not keep harping. Now I do not make excuses for cheating. I am not just talking about the cheating as I am giving information on the elements that have caused other stressors in our marriage. I am looking for what we need to do...how do people recover or maybe they don't. I know things will not be perfect and I am not in a bubble. Maybe the first time almost 4 years ago I was in a bubble, but now my eyes are wide open...

What has he done to change?

I have access to everything...but to me doesn't feel like enough
He picks up the phone and talks to me which before he did not when he was out
We have had uncomfortable conversations but he gets mad which is where I struggle.
He doesn't associate with people anymore, we actually moved states. Not because of cheating but other things
He tries,... but his love language is gifts and mine is more based on emotional intimacy

He says he will never choose a "hoodrat" over his family and he would never ever do it again. He has never heard me tell him I want a divorce. When I did I guess it was a big eye opener to him. He has not done anything since February. The girl that I found out in February was old news, but I found because they kept in contact with conversation... which I still consider cheating. I am not in a bubble, I am well aware of what is going on. But I am trying to save my marriage for my children as well as myself. We have been together 12 years, now yes some do not consider the time was away but that to me and others in a situation where a loved one is incarcerated is called passing judgement. As we have the same relationships, just we do not live together. We get to spend weeks in visiting and in family rooms with extended night stays. And we have more contact then others really know when you married.

Cheating is no excuse. I have none for it. I could of cheated on him while he was away or now because I feel so disconnected but when you love someone I just don't understand why you would do that to hurt them. I cannot picture myself with another man nor do I want too. I am giving this my all, because in the end if it does fully fail then I can clearly say I tried hard...

Everyone makes "judgments" every day. You, yourself, have judged people on this forum to be "miserable" with absolutely no basis in fact.

You want the secret sauce? Well, people have been TRYING to give it to you. It's standing up for yourself and not accepting one jot less than what you deserve from your cheating partner. It's not finding ways to cope when he yells at you or turning yourself into the marriage police, or minimizing your own needs. We don't reconcile at all costs. We reconcile with formerly wayward partners who have proved that they've remediated their broken character.

Consider this as well, people who make no judgments can't possibly HAVE any judgment, can they? If you never discern, you can't be discerning, and without that, what protection do you have in this world against being victimized over and over again by people who have no compunction about how their actions affect others.

I'm apologize for what I said about commissary. Many men in prison do use multiple women for money. I'm glad you weren't one of them.

I didn't say your marriage was fake. I said the image he portrayed was. There's a difference. He lied to you about how long he was locked up,and treated you horribly once released. He wasn't the wonderful man he made you think he was.

You were vague. Assumptions were made. I apologize.

You want to save your marriage. We all want that for you. IF HE IS DOING THE WORK TO BECOME A SAFE PARTNER.

Right now? He's not doing that work. He answers the phone when you call? That's something all spouses should be doing anyway.

You moved,so he's no longer associating with the people he used to. Which is good.

That he gets mad when you need to talk about his infidelity, or ask questions, is a sign that he isn't remorseful.

He needs to be in therapy. He needs to stop getting mad at you. He needs to understand it takes years to successfully reconcile. He needs to give you the entire truth. He needs to work on why he cheated. He needs to reach remorse, and have empathy.

Is he reading any books on how to help heal the damage? On any forums asking for help,and working on himself?

Has he sent NC texts to all of the OW, then blocked them?

If you need more information on what work a WS should be doing at this point,you can ask the question in the General forum.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:16 PM, Friday, November 4th]

We have a saying around here - Portugal (I don't know if it is universal) that goes like this: "Chover no molhado." Translation: "Raining on wet."

It reminds me of this thread.

All the information the poster needs regarding her issue is already here.

I hope that the information provided gets put to good use.

All the best to you BrokenAngel12.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:22 PM, Friday, November 4th]