I'm so sorry that he is not remorseful and not really worried about healing himself or this relationship.
Please know that you are not seeing the situation inaccurately. You're assessing it correctly.
He is still gaslighting you. He is trying to make things your "fault": your fault that he "needed" to have the affair, your fault (even now) that you are hurt by his betrayal and that you can't magically & quickly "get over it" (rug sweep), your fault that he is "triggered" by your entirely normal need to discuss what happened and his twisted perceptions of blaming you.
Please do stop going to couple's appointments with your husband's skewed counselor who clearly doesn't specialize in betrayal trauma but who is ready to encourage rugsweeping. This counselor will not help your husband grow or become a safe partner.
You describe your husband's bluster well. He is trying to bully you into rugsweeping.
Betrayal itself is emotional abuse. You already feel that. Your husband doesn't want to accept that fact--for a variety of reasons. He wants to focus on why it's your fault and how you "drove" him to it. Nope. He had other options. He chose this destructive and self-centered one. He chose it. He acted on it over and over.
He is now doubling down on the emotional abuse by trying to blame you and avoid responsibility.
Cheaters often share certain qualities that allow them to cheat:
-They are avoidant. They avoid being vulnerable with their spouse in a way that would have allowed them to solve problems and chose a course that wasn't cheating. They avoid thinking deeply about how damaging their choices are while they are cheating. They avoid thinking too deeply about the destruction and pain their betrayal caused in the aftermath of discovery.
-They are self-focused and self-protective. Their betrayal shows how they chose "fixing" (helping, serving) themselves over protecting their partner, their marriage, their kids, etc. The way they deal with the aftermath, once caught, often still reflects a huge self-focus.
These are not behaviors that ensure emotional safety or any level of trust in a relationship.
As you might imagine these behaviors are also difficult to change.
Your husband is still caught up in a destructive cycle: avoiding the pain and shame caused by his actions and serving his own needs to protect himself...while letting you wallow in pain and also while hoping to heap some blame on you to add to your pain.
Is this done intentionally by him? Probably not. But it is done by him. He's too limited too stop or change...at least right now. He doesn't want to, because he can't face the pain or the work it would take to change.
Is this the marriage you want? Is this the model of relationships you want for your kids?
I'm not saying you have to divorce. You don't have to do anything. The choices are yours, and I fully support your choices.
I am suggesting that you hit the pause button on the relationship--whatever that looks like for you--and work with your individual counselor to heal you so that you can make choices moving forward that are safe and helpful to you.
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:24 PM, Friday, November 18th]