Newest Member: BallofAnxiety

Twinmom878

8years/past2withAP,twingirls2gether,stuck

Well he cheated on me. Caught him looking for family pictures in his phone. He saw her for two years (found out 2 years September 2020 from phone records) he tried to lie and say since March at first.
We have twin girls that are six just started kindergarten and having to work together to take and pick them up from school. We are together still. In therapy individually and couples once a week. We go to church on Sunday now. He listens to self awareness book the four agreements and tried to journal a few pages. He’s showing effort.
I’m still stuck on how could he love me? How can he want me. He cheated on me for past two years. While at his work on breaks he would meet her for sex or blowjobs and he messaged her at least weekly. He looked at me like I didn’t want him (maybe internally making excuses for what he was doing). He had her on his Facebook as a friend and she knew about me. She liked our kids cancer treatment checkups. She’s less attractive than me and overweight and red headed. 4 years younger with three kids of her own and a fiancé at the start of their fling (they broke it off February 2022, I know because I contacted her ex fiancé), who had cheated on her and didn’t have proof she had cheated.
It’s a mess. Before all this we didn’t argue. I thought he was gaining weight stressed from working and would come home and fall asleep a lot. We had sex at least weekly. Never denied him sex. I cleaned the house everyday and he never helped me with any of it. When I found out and confronted him he told me I don’t have to pick his clothes up off the floor anymore that he will do it. He would say i look like a bitch sometimes or that I need to not talk to him that way before when I was frustrated about stuff. He didn’t appreciate me or respect me. He is very selfish and impulsive with spending money on things we don’t need to not budgeting. He says he was miserable with himself. And I thought everything was good about us before and I never saw any of that. We enjoyed doing family stuff with kids and he was home every night. I never suspected anything.
Im so confused on why he did this and therapist said I should not keep asking why because only leads me to more whys. Im hurt and I can’t really keep talking to him about what he did because he feels shame and guilt and gets upset when I do try to except in therapy. He acts like im keeping us from moving forward and that I’m trying to make him suffer. But im hurting over it all, humiliated still, and I feel like bad that he chose her over me. Like maybe he was infatuated with her and not me. Im questioning myself why is he with me? Why not go be with her? I don’t understand what im here with him for when I didn’t fully infatuate and satisfy him.
And im facing that rejection of maybe he wanted her more than me. And it negates our first sex together. Our romance in the beginning of our relationship seems like it was overshadowed by this new sexual experience he got with her for two years. I’ve had shorter relationships with ex bfs than his affair with her!
And he doesn’t want to leave me. He wants it to work and says he loves me and I’m his partner and he wants to marry me and wants to be a family man and a husband and be a better man for us and he was stupid and doesn’t know why he did it. He says he wants help with being impulsive. Today we went to church and he gave them $60. Like we really don’t have the money to be giving away $60 each time we go to church. But I feel like he does it for his pride or ego or impulsiveness. Like give them $5 it’s not a competition or for show. He said that is how much he should give. Like little stuff is still there. When we go out to eat and he is critical of the food or the person that washed his car didn’t do a good job. Instead of showing gratitude. I tell him these things and he acts like I’m just picking out all his flaws now and tells me to just make up my mind and end it if that’s what I want. And it is because I’m mad and angry and hurt and it isn’t because I love him too. And I’m stuck. I know I deserve someone who wouldn’t have done any of this to me for two years. I just am confused and hurt and idk what to do. One minute I forgive him and next minute I wonder how could he have done this to me.

35 comments posted: Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

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