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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Help me get through this phase. Update on my (Read 180/not reconciling and WH wished me Happy Birthday) posts.

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:59 AM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

I applaud your ability to set very clear boundaries with your cheating H. 馃憤馃徎馃檶

Just asking if there is or will be a DNA test? I鈥檓 not trying to make this into a Jerry "you are NOT the father" Springer drama, but I would think proof should be provided, as this affects your alimony etc should you D.

Perhaps your attorney can request proof that this is his biological child.

Hope the OW is dumb enough not to file for child support. This way all his assets and his pay are fair game during D proceedings.

I love your comment that the cheater has to go home and change diapers. duh laugh

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:00 AM, Sunday, October 16th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8759828
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

Yes, I was in total and complete shock when he made the announcement without apology 11 weeks ago. I think I might have fallen asleep for an hour that night. I went online to research our state laws about paternity and sent him some links. Always to be the one to help him even if he treated me like crap! Our daughter got very angry with him and said "if you put your name on that birth certificate it just proves that you don't care anything about us". I believe the baby has the mother's last name but you have up to a year to change the name on the birth certificate here in Maryland . I had told him to ask in the hospital for a DNA test still not sure how many times he slept with OW and still thinking it was best to find out for everybody for sure. They said they didn't do that in the hospital and it would be $300 to do it. His sister ended up paying for the paternity test about 10 days after the baby was born. I told her he said he didn't have the $300 and I told her he has a serious gambling problem as well as a porn addiction. He had told me two days before he got the results he would let me and the kids know first but he ended up telling his mom and sister and his mom told me before he even bother to tell us . Another reason why my daughter never wants to speak to him again . He is definitely not the person I knew. I guess that's why I am not sad at all just scared for the future and wishing that I could fast forward a month or two. Yes so far he's living with her and she has not filed for child support. I only had 3 weeks before I had to go back to school so that's why I was determined to get a lawyer whether I could afford it or not because I barely have time to go to the bathroom during the day let alone make phone calls and get paperwork together. He served me with his lawyer's papers on October 7th because he thought we were going to go to mediation he didn't have one until I got one and served Him First on August 29th. Hopefully I will get a alimony hearing soon. Thank you for the positive words I need all I can get

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8759861
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:51 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

I told her he said he didn't have the $300 and I told her he has a serious gambling problem as well as a porn addiction.

I've been reading and posting here for a number of years and one of the things I've noticed frequently in the Separation/Divorce forum is people posting that they're actually doing better without the extra expense of their financially irresponsible ex. They start off worrying that they're going to be worse off without the double income, but it turns out that the ex was wasting more of that money than they realized. Certainly, you should go for as much as you can get, but your STBX's gambling and porn habit are the OW's problem now. She'll find out soon enough that cheaters are expensive while she's trying to manage a small child and however many jobs it takes to keep a roof over her head.

And you ARE a rock star. Never doubt it! grin

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8759866
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:13 PM on Sunday, October 16th, 2022

It is not much fun being married to an idiot. His life is circling the drain. 馃毥 Get that cs asap.

When things go wrong, don鈥檛 go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   路   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   路   location: US
id 8759870
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CommonLeadership48 ( new member #79928) posted at 8:21 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Sounds like you have a good attitude and a sense of humor. Keep pressing forward with your demands for alimony, half of his retirement, the house, the car(s), everything you can get for the next 11 years or until you remarry. This is a business transaction, as cold as it sounds.

I hope you can continue to be amicable with your MIL. She's going to need it at her age. Your ex has sisters, right?

My advice is simple: let your two great adult children help you through this process. Although you will always be their mom, it's time they come to aid and comfort you in your time of need; a reversal of roles. I know they will do that. And, I know you will project strength and resolve when they come to your rescue.

You're always welcome in Tennessee. Leave the 250 pound ass in Maryland!

posts: 15   路   registered: Feb. 13th, 2022   路   location: TN
id 8759906
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Beachgirl73 ( new member #74764) posted at 12:46 PM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Well done! I think you are handling this awful situation perfectly.

I鈥檓 so happy you are standing up for yourself and I think, like others here, that you should get as much as you can from this lying cheater.

I have a feeling that without his gambling and porn addiction (and a decent settlement) you will be better off financially. And by going no contact you will be better off emotionally.

BTW- I鈥檓 glad you brought up the situation in the store where the OW disrespected you (even more 馃槵) by bringing in the baby. Why protect her or him? It鈥檚 good you let him know imo.

posts: 42   路   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8759922
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ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 9:54 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

+1 to what CT said. I have a new car and too much credit card debt currently, but it's manageable. When I was with my ex, I couldn't take the chance of having any credit card he could run up, nor the time/energy to spend on improving my credit.

I was being aggressive about getting control of spending and bills and improving things with my credit when we first split because I was terrified I wouldn't make it alone. Within 6 months, things had improved dramatically and I realized I'd practically gotten a raise with all the money that wasn't being drained away by him.

You're on the right track, you got this!

BS - 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 633   路   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   路   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8760290
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 12:24 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

smile thank you everyone for all your responses to my update. It really helps to have your support and I wish I knew how to thank all of you on my phone individually but just know that I really appreciate all your positive messages. I just wanted to let you know a couple of new things since I last posted. I remembered that I am a joint owner on a savings account at a different bank where he has his credit card and our car loan. I was able to get 36 months of statements and as I looked through them, I found two instances where he had sent money directly into OW's checking account before he moved out and told me about the affair. It has her name on the statement and the two amounts total to $1,580! Hopefully, this will help me with my initial settlement hearing conference that is scheduled for November 9th. I've got to finish working on my interrogatories but, it is something I am having a hard time doing as some of the questions are difficult. His lawyer asked me if I've ever sought treatment with a therapist for any emotional condition and name the therapist and length of treatment. He knows I've been going to counseling because he participated this year. Ridiculous! It's not as if my lawyer asked if he had a gambling and porn addiction but I am certainly going to have my lawyer bring it up when the opportunity presents itself! I wish I could thank everybody personally who has been so helpful to me but I still can't figure how to do this on my phone. I will keep everybody updated. Thank you again for all the positive thoughts.馃挄馃挄

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8760356
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:39 PM on Thursday, October 20th, 2022

Please, yes, take breaths when you feel the panic come. To be able to make decisions with a clear head is what you need. We frighten ourselves with what ifs but the truth is you don't know the future. None of us do. You will be strong and have peace in your life. Say every day to yourself....I will have enough to provide for myself. You need the confidence. Women in their mid life are stronger. They know what's important to them. Who says you won't find someone to walk through life with? Do not fear.

There is enough to fear in this world gone mad, you do not need to fear your own life. I was scared at first but then I grew strong. Opportunities will come. You will never be all alone. I'm happy for you, no more gambling, porn and lies!

Freedom and peace of mind are your future. You focus on your health. Listen to your intuition. Never fall into the trap of thinking the best is past.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   路   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8760376
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 11:36 AM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

Thank you ChewedMeUp
+1 to what CT said. I have a new car and too much credit card debt currently, but it's manageable.
I am hoping that can be true for me as well. Thinking about all the money he has spent on her bills and gambling makes me so mad because our financial situation could have been improved had he come clean about the affair 3years ago.
I found out so much as I pouring over these credit card statements. He makes a good salary but we never had money for home improvements or vacations or even nice Christmas gifts for the kids.
I see you are in the Baltimore area. I am in MD, too馃憢馃挄馃.

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8761438
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, October 21st, 2022

His lawyer asked me if I've ever sought treatment with a therapist for any emotional condition and name the therapist and length of treatment.

That's protected health information. Don't answer that one unless your lawyer says it's ok.

It's strategy designed to fluster you. Your WH will have to convince the judge that it's relevant to the case.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   路   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   路   location: Washington State
id 8761594
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 Momof2greatadults (original poster new member #80522) posted at 12:26 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Hello again everyone. I know I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to give an update to my situation. My husband revealed his affair and new baby 15 weeks ago. I'm doing pretty well as long as I don't think about my future or where I'm going to live after the divorce. I have no minor children, my son is 22 and lives with me so I don't know if I will be able to keep the house. I don't make enough money to buy him out and he doesn't want to buy me out. My husband has run up the credit cards that he has as well as taking large sums of money from our bank account to pay her bills and to gamble with. As I was getting my financial paperwork together for the court I discovered so many things that I didn't know. I was so busy doing everything else and he was very controlling about money that I just let him take care of our bills. My husband gets a yearly bonus every March so for about 5 or 6 months out of the Year we're very comfortable and then the rest of the year were barely scraping by. As I looked at monthly bank statements I discovered a lot of financial abuse. My husband admitted to taking out cash back over purchases at his job and putting it directly into our state lottery machine. My husband is a retail grocery manager and I would sometimes see four to seven transactions in a day where it looks like he made grocery purchases but he may just have bought a soda and a bag of chips and then took out $60 or more cash back to put in the lottery machine. I'll never know what the actual breakdown is of merchandise versus cash because it's not shown.
Anyway, we had our court scheduling meeting last week and I have a date in January for a temporary alimony hearing and a date in February for a merits hearing. My lawyer says we should probably come to an agreement before then. I understand going to trial, if he contests the divorce, it will cost a lot more money and legal fees. So I'm sure that we will settle but, the details of my case are so devastating that I wish a court could hear what he did to me!! The fact that he waited till the baby was born to tell me and had been lying about working late all those nights and everything else has caused me a lot of stress and sleepless nights. I am definitely not upset about him and I will be so glad to be rid of him but I am stressed out about my future. You guys have given me great advice in the past and I am getting stronger every day as long as I don't think about the things that I can't control. I got great evidence and copies of statements from the savings account where he sent her money in her name. Does anyone think that that's going to make a difference if we don't go to trial and a judge doesn't look at all the evidence? Will it be enough to know that his lawyer will see all this and know what I know and just tell him he has got to give me the alimony I deserve? As of last Friday my husband who was served first in August, had not turned in any answers to his interrogatories or his financial paperwork. My lawyer filed sanctions with the court against him and hopefully I'll know something by Friday. I really am trying to put myself first in a way that I never did and I am doing fairly well under the circumstances. I know his mom has been keeping things from me but the kids and I are still doing a very small Thanksgiving with her because otherwise she'd be all alone. I definitely see Christmas being totally different once she knows how I was honest about my answers in my interrogatory questions and she finds out things about her son that will be too difficult to maintain a relationship with me. I don't have much family and my mom and I aren't close so this loss will be heartbreaking for me. Thank goodness I do have a lot of friends and they will be my family. My daughter will be home on Saturday so I definitely have something to look forward to this weekend馃挄. Thank you to everyone that recommended Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. I listen to that audiobook twice and it has really helped me like therapy! I also have been doing IC weekly since this happened but my therapist is out of the country for a few weeks. I hope everyone is able to have a great holiday next week.

Taking it one day at time and trying not to panic!

posts: 24   路   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   路   location: Maryland
id 8765372
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:48 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

As of last Friday my husband who was served first in August, had not turned in any answers to his interrogatories or his financial paperwork. My lawyer filed sanctions with the court against him and hopefully I'll know something by Friday.

Just when you think a cheater couldn't possibly be a bigger jerk, one proves it's entirely possible. rolleyes

I dunno. From what I hear, divorce is a business and it's just best to treat it that way. I do think I'd put a bug in MIL's ear at Thanksgiving that my patience is wearing thin and that your STBX needs to come up with the fairest settlement he can think of and then put a cherry on top because the lawyers are taking a bigger cut every day this goes on and that you're NOT going to settle for one jot less than you deserve. Maybe his mom can light a fire under his ass.

I'll be honest with you, unless your MIL is carrying tales that you don't want her to carry, it's none of your STBX's business who you choose to be friends with. I wouldn't give that relationship up unless it suited me to do so.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   路   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   路   location: U.S.
id 8765422
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