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General :
Half truth’s and getting nasty

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 Gracey (original poster new member #79334) posted at 7:26 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Hi, struggling today , husband point blank will not give me the information I need to heal about his EA/PA. This is 2.5 years on from D day. He claims he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Hard to tell if he is a master manipulator, or being genuine. He claims he cannot remember things he said and has no answers for me. If I say I don’t feel loved when he refuses to explain or address his lack of memory, then I become the bad doubting horrible person who is apparently destroying our marriage.
He used to be pretty amazing as a husband and man and somehow somewhen he has changed into a deceitful, nasty person who cares only for himself. Any one else seem to have this trouble, its like dealing with a slimy snake who slivers out of telling the truth?

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 37   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8756230
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

In the end, we never learn EVERYTHING about the A. And he is obviously not going to tell you anything more.
So…. What do you want?
You have three choices.
1) Accept that this is as good as it will get and learn to be okay with it.
2) Continue to struggle hoping he will be someone he is not. (someone who cares that you are struggling and will do whatever it takes to help you heal).
3) You decide that this is not R and you either D or you detach and live your life as you choose.

He’s a jerk. He is NOT remorseful. I’m sorry but his actions show this.
He;s not going to change - he has shown you his true self and after 2.5 years he is very unlikely to just decide to change. So you need to change. As painful as this it, gently, he is unable to face his flaws and therefore he is going to do whatever it takes to protect his inner demons . And he does not care if it is hurting you.

Are you in IC? That might help you with what your next steps should be- because you can only change and control. And he’s not going to change.

I’m sorry you are struggling. Cheaters suck.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8756240
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

This is exactly how my xWS would act and would only admit to the info I had found. Eventually I found out I was in false R and it took me another 5 years to finally call it quits as his behavior never changed and the damage was done. I couldn't get over it and had no more respect for him, fell out of love too. Many times it is said here that it isn't the affair that kills the M, but how the WS acts post A.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8332   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8756249
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 10:47 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Exactly what I have gotten I’m just further out than you.

posts: 185   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8756256
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 Gracey (original poster new member #79334) posted at 3:31 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Thank you for replies. I guess I just don’t want to admit he has changed from 30 years of loving care to frankly a monster in what seemed like a short space of time. Wow how did I not notice is what I hear myself saying. I had IC and it did not help as all the therapist wanted me to do was forgive the other woman and I can’t she is just loving my distress. WH seems appalled when I tell him the things he said to me during immediate period after D day and then goes into denial. He winces every time I use the word narcissist in general conversation. He has agreed we can move when my in laws have passed and I for now choose to hope he has a problem with responsibility and is not actually still cheating. Maybe daft however I am for now unable to stop loving him. Hugs to you all

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 37   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8756354
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 3:52 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Crazyblindsided nailed it, you never get all the answers, never. I spent way too long trying to pull all the answers to the questions I had for years and I don’t believe I have the full truth. I’ll never know 100%, I don’t think any BS will ever know everything.

Your comment on your WH changing struck a cord with me. I thought the same as you, what happened to the person I married?! Answer, unfortunately is that they were and always have been the same person. My WW hid her true character from me for our entire relationship.

posts: 797   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8756358
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:03 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

husband point blank will not give me the information I need to heal about his EA/PA.

Healing is not the same things as R (or D, for that matter). Healing is about processing the thoughts and feelings about being betrayed out of your system.

The outcome - R/D/something else (whatever that may be) - is a question of how you want to live the rest of your life.

You can't R unless the WS takes responsibility for betraying you. Answering questions honestly is a key indicator that the WS is doing so. If your WS isn't taking responsibility, what sort of person are they? Can you trust someone who won't own their willingness to betray their partner? You can't trust them to have your back, but you can learn to trust yourself, and you can probably learn when to trust and when not to trust your WS. So I'm not saying you should D (though I obviously lean that way) - but understand what you're going to put yourself through by staying with someone who won't come clean.

My mom lived into triple digits, BTW. You have little idea how long you've agreed to stay in your location.

I urge you not to sell yourself out. Again, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave - but it's easier not to sell yourself out if you don't force yourself to stay with someone who is dishonest.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:04 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756361
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HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 4:37 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Consider trying another IC.

Best!

BW x2
Recovering
2020

posts: 419   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8756372
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Red9999 ( new member #76099) posted at 2:18 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Dec 28th will be two years. I find out new information every time I bring it up. Ill ask him one thing and he will say no Ill reword it and he will tell me but he will say you ask this not that. I don't bring it up to fight I need closer. His favorite reply I can't deal with you asking all the time if you can't get over it lets get a divorce I tell him just be honest and maybe we can work it out. I have found new information and I haven't brought it up yet. I am about at my end of dealing with all of this.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Jan. 4th, 2021
id 8756982
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 10:16 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Maybe daft however I am for now unable to stop loving him.

It's important that you recognize that you are doing this by choice. You are unable to stop loving him because you are choosing to do so.

I'm not saying that is wrong; just saying that you have free will. If you eventually can not tolerate what you are receiving, you will need to change your mindset. Personally, with you the information given, I would work on detaching from him. I would work on not loving him. If my partner wasn't pulling out all the stops to give me the answers that I seek, it would be a clear message as to where I rank on their priority scale.

One of the things that we often do in life is undervalue ourselves. It is worth looking at.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4078   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8757023
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 2:03 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

One of the things I found really hard after d-day was deciphering whether or not I had been duped the whole of my 20+ year marriage prior to infidelity. We had what I thought was a loving relationship and he did a lot to support me and our family including being the nurturing one. He was so tuned into me until infidelity and then the shame took over and continued to cause me to doubt if he ever loved me at all and leaving me to think my life was a sham for those decades of our M.

I've come to a different place now - after a lot of work and after he did some very intensive IC work to get through the shame and the destruction of the image he had of himself. Our feelings and trauma post infidelity are glaring reminders to our WSs that they inflicted some serious damage on us. That exacerbates the shame and the unwanted behavior.

But I had to do a lot of work too. What was okay with me in our M prior to infidelity was no longer okay in our new paradigm. Everything changes after infidelity and the only thing that settles us is to lean into the changes we need to make separately so that we have a chance of coming back together. I had to learn to be okay without him - to be okay without knowing our future together. Once I let go of the outcome I could be present for myself and be clear on my intentions. The same went for him.

It's a struggle for sure - and my WS had quite the lack of memory until he didn't. No I haven't gotten every detail I sought but at some point when his shame wall came down and my protective one reduced its thickness, we could have a conversation and he'd let me in on his thought process making it easier for me to tell if he was really encountering memory lapses. None of this came about immediately. For me it took several years to get to the point where trust could start to be built again. I was one of those oh so positive we'd D. And here we are, together in a much different and healthier way.

Best thing you can do is take care of your needs and be clear about them to him. Big hugs Gracey.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2831   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8757034
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 Gracey (original poster new member #79334) posted at 9:25 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

ISurvivedSoFar , I think what you have said maybe my situation or at least I hope it is. His initial reaction was one of shame and hate towards himself and I think because he doesn’t like to feel this way he just deny’s, minimises what I am feeling etc. How on earth did you get your WH to a point where he took responsibility enough to go to IC? We are down for couples therapy however I am concerned he is just gonna fall back on deceit and lying to avoid the shame. I know deep down inside he knows how bad what he has done is and like you I am questioning my whole 34 years with him as to if it has all been a sham. I am comforted though in that his feeling around the birth of our son and our wedding day were real as it showed in the way he was. The AP has long been pursuing him and offering herself on a plate since her divorce a year after our marriage. His failure to acknowledge or do anything about this since she started doing this is of concern and while he now admits he was aware of the problem he downplays his understanding of how hurt I have been by her behaviour or he has actually been deceiving me for years and compartmentalising his life.

Together 33 years Married. 17 years

posts: 37   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2021   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8757054
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 9:43 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

HI Gracey - I understand.

How on earth did you get your WH to a point where he took responsibility enough to go to IC?

Your boundaries here are essential. Is that a requirement to R? I think we need to find our own mojo after infidelity and not be afraid to stand up for ourselves. You cannot make him do anything. But you can control what you do. Is his fear or shame more important than your comfort? If the answer is no, how do you show him that? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why his feelings are more important than yours.

Ask yourself why he gets to not go and you get to suffer.

I am concerned he is just gonna fall back on deceit and lying to avoid the shame.

This is a valid concern. I found that MC wasn't good without IC for both of us. And we went through several MCs until we found one that understood infidelity without blaming me for any of it. Once we had our trio, it worked a lot better because our MC would converse with our ICs and vice versa. There was so much work that needed to be done and we were at different stages of recovery and ability so we needed the team on our side. Getting there was hard - many different therapists were consulted. He needed someone who worked on childhood trauma and sexual abuse. I needed someone with EFT expertise that our MC also had.

Until he gets to the root of his issues it will be a struggle. Has he read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? That would be a first requirement that will help him understand your position.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2831   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8757055
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