SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello All,

Just more questions...

At the moment by BS and I are separated. I have continued hope for R, but have a question about contact while separated for those who were S/D and found a way back towards R. Most of our contact, started from my end asking to continue in MC which has been declined. Although I do not understand her reasons as they are largely based on claims and assumptions I am still betraying our union (which I am not) I have to accept her reasons not to attend. Some contact we have is simple logistics of finances and has been civil, and some of my correspondence have been me attempting to invite her to spend time with one another doing activities she finds stimulating or exciting, maybe this makes her uncomfortable which I have asked but have not received answer about, I even have tried continuing to flirt (as I read in help your spouse heal or not just friends cant recall which book) that did not go well. All contact my BS starts is antagonistic, telling me about a fear, me attempting to sit with her in that fear then her not believing the facts about my where abouts etc, name calling, will not answer questions that I ask with true concern for her well being and then she will launch into what I can only just describe as fabrications about every subject. Attempting to show her the patience and grace she needs in these moments how do I continue to respond especially when meeting her in the only modality she will communicate with (text messages) when this cycle cant be a healthy one?

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[This message edited by Inbocaallupo at 3:34 AM, Friday, September 23rd]

So your spouse is the one betrayed here.

That is tough to give advice as we don’t know the background here.

How long has the separation been in place? And what led to the separation?

Those two answers may provide some intel on the current situation. And that will let us know how to help you.

I've read your posts. Although dday was 3 years ago,you say the lies continued "longer than you wish they had."

You seem frustrated..exasperated even..that she is still angry and doesn't trust you. Upset that she is making up scenarios that she believes may be true,when you say they're not.

Her distrust,her imagining possibilities, are a direct result of your actions and words.

No WS is owed a second chance. Even if you are completely remorseful, and totally honest now,that doesn't change the severity of the betrayal for her. She has been deeply wounded by you.

She wants a separation. And you keep contacting her because YOU want to reconcile. Maybe you need to put her wants and needs above your own. From everything you have written,she's done.

You don't understand her reason for not wanting to continue MC? You cheated on her,and she doesn't want to be with you. It's that simple.

She doesn't want to be with an unsafe partner. Your frustration,and inability to understand she is responding the way she has,because you cheated on her, is a huge reason as to why she doesn't want MC. You seem to believe that because dday was 3 years ago,time should have healed that wound. It hasn't. Also, the lies afterwards have solidified,to her,that there is no trust. Her healing was set back to day one with every lie.

She doesn't want your grace and patience..which,honestly, sounds incredibly condescending. She wants your absence.

So that's how you handle communication. Follow her lead. And stop contacting her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:12 PM, Sunday, September 18th]

You can 'hope for R' all you like. She pretty clearly doesn't want R with you due to your continued lies. You cheated on her. Then lied to her about it (IIRC) for years afterwards. She would be an absolute fool to 'trust' you given the level of disrespect and harm you have shown her.

My advice? Stop trying for R with someone who clearly is showing you she's done. Stop flirting - cus yeah speaking as a BW, that would not go over well with me. Stop inviting her out to do things - that's making her have to be the bad guy when she says no and is stressing her out. Stop trying to impose YOUR wants and needs and shit onto her and ignoring her wishes. Stop acting like she's being unreasonable for not trusting you when you perpetrated the WORST deception you possibly could have on her. Stop acting like she's being ridiculous for not wanting to go to MC with someone who lied to her for so long - MC requires a level of vulnerability she clearly doesn't want to have with you anymore. Just stop all of that. If she is truly done, then grant her better-than-fair terms in the divorce and let her move on with her life free of you.

Sorry mate, but this was always a possible outcome to your decision to cheat. Maybe it's time for you to grow up a bit and start accepting the consequences of your choices.

I’m a WS who was divorced due to my affair. I agree with the others—if your BS is done, respect that. You were selfish having the affair, putting your wants and needs first. Now it’s time to do the same for her.

Have you asked her what you can do to help convince her you are a safe partner?
When you two separated was there a goal? A purpose? Was this temporary or the initial steps of divorce?

I think you definitely need to respect her wishes, but an ongoing separation – as in time-off – isn’t a good place to stay long in. I think the direct conversation about where you two are headed is in order. If she says she wants to end it – you need to accept that.

Unless you can show her you have changed and you are willing to do anything and everything to make amends, there is not much you can do.

She sounds like a BS who is done. Respect her wishes and go NC. She knows where you stand. If her feelings change, she knows where to find you.

In general, you're seeking ways to get HER to change HER behavior and beliefs. You're trying to get her to change her mind. You're looking for ways to manipulate her into believing your words that don't match your actions.

That my friend is a recipe for disaster. I know you don't want to believe it but she gets it - she might not be at the point of being able to articulate that but her gut gets it. Many BS's have responded to you, trying to explain but I'm not sure you're hearing what we're saying. I wish you'd do a little more introspection on it all because we're all sincerely hoping to help. But sometimes I think you have the "yes, but" syndrome - when people are explaining things to you, you're sitting there already thinking "yes, but......" rather than really hearing what's being said.

Someone who understood the level of pain he has caused would be working non-stop to make himself a better person. He'd go to counseling to figure out why he cheated and why he lied and he'd do the work to change the part of him that believed he was entitled to break the sanctity of his marriage. But most of all, he'd feel shame and remorse and be doing whatever he could to make up for the damage he has caused.

If you're not following what I've said, just Google the Serenity prayer and read all about it and what the words mean and how adopting it as your life philosophy will help you. If you want help beyond finding a way to make your wife behave differently toward you, that is.

Writing this sentence twice because I think it's very pertinent: In general, you're seeking ways to get HER to change HER behavior and beliefs. You're trying to get her to change her mind. You're looking for ways to manipulate her into believing your words that don't match your actions.

[This message edited by josiep at 3:48 PM, Monday, September 19th]

You've mentioned,before,that the BS who tell you that you don't "get it" are wrong. You dismiss us. Maybe you should consider we are right. BS develop a highly tuned bullshit meter. It is very clear that you don't get it.

And your wife knows it as well.

Work on yourself. Stop focusing on what she's not giving you. Start focusing on your issues. You are not a safe partner. Work on becoming safe.

Have been away a while but pitching in as this is a topic I have experience in:

If you are separated then what your BS expects is time and space for herself. My XBW just needed to get away- There is a ton of pressure expected to "just get over it" and that’s ultimately unreasonable.

The success stories here tend to come from WPs who immediately recognize the depth and severity of betrayal and if that isn’t immediate, it continues to be difficult for those who have a stronger understanding of love and honor to continue to be vulnerable.

Give her space, and with the time you have available, get stronger as a human. IC. Read. Meditate. Foster friendships. Exercise. Bottom line- Self care. You owe it to you.

Separation will end 1 of 2 ways.
-If it’s permanent and you invest in your individual health, then you’re at the very least healthy enough to be alone with your thoughts for a while. And MAYBE down the road be a safe partner in a healthy, intimate relationship, if you want. (NOT REQUIRED, by the way.)
-If your BW is willing to have a crack at R, then the above investment yields the same result. But if you squander the time you have apart, you’re returning to R not as a partner but a stressor.

How you use this time will tell your BS a lot about who you are and what you think, and the decision of what to do with it is entirely your own. Choose wisely.