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Newest Member: trustingyou

Divorce/Separation :
It's always all about him

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 mommabear1010 (original poster member #79915) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

I want to scream. I'm so tired of his victim mentality.

WH and I had one car during the marriage, a lease. The lease was set to end April of this year, but due to crazy car market we chose to extend the lease by 6 months on the agreement he would keep the vehicle until October this year and when I moved out I would get my own lease. Which is what I did. I went thru this process (a stressful one) all on my own, and secured a new lease.

Now, his lease is up in 30 days. Of course, drama drama drama. Screaming at me he doesn't have the money for any due at signing amount...I'm not being understanding, I'm the one getting child support, it's so hard for him etc etc. He's also blown through his half of our saving account we split (about $4k) and has no idea how to budget. Yet somehow this is all my fault.

I calmly said I would give him the contact information for the dealership I used so he can see if they can work a deal, or he can contact the financial institution this current lease is thru to see about buying the vehicle at lease end.

I'm just...exhausted. He's raging now and I'll have to see him tomorrow when he gets visitation with our daughter. I hate that he can't keep his life together, and I hate that everytime he fails it's somehow my fault.

Mostly a rant lol, thanks for listening.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8755127
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:27 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

You;ve been heard. And what a man-child he is. Read up on the gray rock method and become the best gray rock ever.
You are moving forward and he is not able to handle it— not enough tiny violins to play here.

Keep moving forward. you are doing great.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8755168
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 3:19 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Great advice from BearlyBreathing. Don’t engage with him when he tries to inflame. Be the best gray rock. You are solving problems while he flails around. He’s lashing out in frustration and desperation. SMH. Keep moving forward.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3271   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8755174
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:31 AM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Why do you continue to put up with this from him?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12534   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8755177
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 mommabear1010 (original poster member #79915) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

Why do you continue to put up with this from him?

I am working on being better about grey rocking, and not allowing myself to get sucked into drama. The car lease he has technically is still also in my name (financial institution was not taking me off until lease ended) so part of me is a little stressed making sure this car gets turned back in and nothing gets screwed up for me.

Admittedly, I've historically taken the mindset if I don't make waves things will go a lot smoother for me having to co-parent with him. But what it winds up getting me his him using me as his emotional crutch and verbal punching bag when he's angry that his life is what it is now.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8755223
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 6:50 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I would petition the court, or have it written into your orders that he has X number of days to return the car that is leased or make arrangements to purchase it. Failure to do so past the due date should result in some sort of financial penalty, like $100/day. Seriously. The courts see this sort of foolishness all the time.

If your orders are not final, I would ensure they have some teeth in them by having these sorts of penalties and timeframes in them.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33114   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8755251
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I wouldn't listen to a word of it. He's a grown man and can figure it out himself. He is the one who put himself in that position now he gets to lie in it. My XWS cries victim all the time, we are strictly NC due to his harassment (but I only have one minor at home now son who is 16 and 18 can't get here quick enough). Gray Rock for sure if you have to have contact I would just stay silent or say "Oh" and proceed to get off the phone as quickly as possible. Use text or email from now on it makes it less personal and you can choose to respond or not.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8755255
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 mommabear1010 (original poster member #79915) posted at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, September 14th, 2022

I do have a memorandum of understanding agreement where the vehicle is detailed in there. It's just one of those things I still hold my breath over a bit until my name is 100% not tied to his name or anything to do with his car financing/leasing.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 102   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8755256
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FuturewasStolen ( member #74119) posted at 1:00 AM on Thursday, September 15th, 2022

Admittedly, I've historically taken the mindset if I don't make waves things will go a lot smoother for me having to co-parent with him. But what it winds up getting me his him using me as his emotional crutch and verbal punching bag when he's angry that his life is what it is now.

I feel like I could have written this myself! I don't know too much about your story, but just from this post and your signature, it sounds like it has strong similarities to my own. At least in the fact that my STBXH is also always the victim! Isn't it funny how they can make the decision to blow up a family, an entire life, but somehow they are the victim when they have to take any kind of responsibility? They can go out and have their fun, but heaven forbid they have to figure out the logistics of renewing a car lease.

I don't have much advice except to keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for him anymore. You are not responsible for his finances, or his schedule, or his emotional well-being. So he's upset that life is hard? What does he think you've been dealing with this entire year? How much concern has he had for your emotional well-being? This guy is selfish, and that doesn't end at just the cheating. He is also selfish in that he wants you to keep taking care of him while he doesn't even think about returning the favor.

Keep on grey-rocking - practice makes perfect. Some day it'll become second nature, at least I hope so!

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 106   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8755306
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 2:03 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Haha, sounds like Karma to me. Let him deal with his shit poor money management skills. He's on his own now.

As for the victim mentality, don't even get me started. I'll just say this, they will always, always be the victim. I'm over 5 yrs out, and ole Missy has not changed one bit. Not any ounce of remorse, no insight, no less entitlement. Its always about them. That's why its best to divorce them and move on. Let them be someone elses problem.

Grey rock and ignore. THat's the best advice you can listen to. Just ignore

posts: 1364   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8756283
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

You’ve been heard. And yes, he will always be the victim of his own poor decisions.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 380   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8756377
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:39 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

You could just put the phone down and walk away. Then when he comes up for air he can get the message.

😂😂

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12534   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756445
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