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Newest Member: trustingyou

Divorce/Separation :
He wants to tell the children

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PestoDiPapi ( new member #80918) posted at 12:43 AM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Cancel the mediation. It's a waste of time. He is getting legal advice from his girlfriend. She is also telling him how to be sneaky about finances and assets.

You need a good attorney.

Mediation is typically a waste of time. You can't trust him,and he's shown he doesn't care about your interests. And,frankly,gently, you are desperate to keep him,so he can easily manipulate you into an unfair settlement. You need an attorney to look out for your best interests .

In this case, now that I know that AP is a lawyer, yes, you need a lawyer.

I don't agree on mediation being a waste of time. When there are kids involved, and the divorce is being handled by a lawyer, the lawyer will typically try to get everything out of the divorce for their client, at the cost of the partner and often even the children. A mediator will try to handle the divorce for both sides. Granted, this will only work if both parties are open to a fair divorce and aren't trying to get most out of the divorce at the expense of the other. This means that feelings about the infidelity will need to be compartmentalized during the mediation. That is hard, for some people to hard.

"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Robin Williams

posts: 19   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755453
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:29 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

It doesn’t matter that you don’t want this. It is what it is. It’s like if your house caught fire you wouldn’t sit in your room complaining, you would take action to extinguish the fire and save valuables. Afterwards – once the fire department has left – you can allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Deal with the divorce from reality – not fear.

I have this from a group of divorce and family attorneys I once talked to: If an attorney has all the facts on the table (assets, debts, pension, savings, vehicles, accounts…) they can give you a 90-95% accurate outcome from the divorce. The difficulties and costs start when one (or both) parties start trying to be smart; hiding assets, refusing information, demanding more… I think mediation is based on both parties understanding that the laws for divorce apply to them, and to accept them and stick to them. The arguments are then more based on if the house is worth 100 or 110, if his golf-set is worth more than your jewelry and so on.

I would definitely start with the mediator, but I would also follow the advice I gave you and have your own attorney to go over whatever agreement is put on the table. His AP might be a great attorney but maybe she specializes in international banking contracts or estate planning or litigation. Or maybe she’s so good that she convinces the BH to take the fair and reasonable settlement the mediator offers.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755519
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 Helena67 (original poster new member #80506) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

Thank you all for your insights ! With the information and opinions you have given I know now what to do.

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755547
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 Helena67 (original poster new member #80506) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

My story is getting worse by the minute. Now he wants to tell the children himself. Without me. Who is this barf man????

[This message edited by Helena67 at 10:12 PM, Friday, September 16th]

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755634
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:13 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

(((Helena67))) your STBXWS sounds like a horrible person. I think if it were me I would tell the kids before him if he wants to do his own separately so be it. Give them your side let them know dad has a girlfriend and THAT is why you are getting a D.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8755656
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 Helena67 (original poster new member #80506) posted at 10:32 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

I have invited him for tomorrow morning. He has accepted. I’ll let you all now how it wend…

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755659
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 11:53 PM on Friday, September 16th, 2022

(((Helena67))) your STBXWS sounds like a horrible person. I think if it were me I would tell the kids before him if he wants to do his own separately so be it. Give them your side let them know dad has a girlfriend and THAT is why you are getting a D.

THIS!!!

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 728   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8755669
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:29 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

He wants to tell them without you, so he can control the narrative. He's going to gaslight them. He's going to either tell them you cheated throughout the marriage, and he couldn't deal with it any longer,or he's going to tell them you were abusive,or that you had a dead bedroom,and he needed love.

Don't allow this. Sit them down before he comes over,and tell them the truth. When he comes over, he can use that time to answer questions (with you present).

Don't tell them together. He has been horrible to you. You are not a team. He is on a team with OW,who is surely coaching him through this.

posts: 4669   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8755740
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:34 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

Look – there is no way you can prevent him from saying anything at all to the kids.
But…
It goes both ways.

I think his demands that the kids are told and that he wants to tell them alone… then fine. If you two are divorcing its inevitable they learn about it anyway. Its not as if it could be kept a secret.
However… You be ready with YOUR version of why you are divorcing. Don’t know the age of your kids, but it should be in an age-appropriate way and preferably as neutral as possible but the TRUTH.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10946   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8755755
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 Helena67 (original poster new member #80506) posted at 7:09 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

We have told the children.

He had written a letter. He told them that he didn’t love me like he should. That the ow and he were trying to have a future together. And that he wanted them, in time, to learn to know her barf .

I also had written a letter. Telling them that he had betrayed me and that it really hurt me. I also told them that if they are married in the future and fell in love with somebody else to not make the same error there father did. To sit down and talk about it. And that maybe things would get resolved.

I have cried most of the day.

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755757
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:55 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

Just sending hugs. I know this is brutally hard. But you will all be okay. Be extra good and gentle with yourself today.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4987   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8755768
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 11:36 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

I am so sorry. Please find a therapist for yourself and your children. So much heartbreak to navigate.

posts: 1081   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8755779
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 11:51 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

I am very sorry to read this. Your WH is very cruel. Do something nice for yourself today.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3271   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8755783
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:31 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Your children do not have to"know" anything about her if they don't want to. This isn't a case of getting a divorce and then meeting someone. This is an interloper in the marriage and a massive betrayal. Definitely start seeing a therapist to help you through this. One day you will be ok again and the kids can absolutely have nothing to do with the OW.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8339   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8755805
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 Helena67 (original poster new member #80506) posted at 6:47 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Thank you all! I’m grateful for your support.

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years.
24 years married.
D day 6-2-2022.
Divorcing.

I’m healing and I’m growing

posts: 32   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8755808
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