I am sorry you are here.
What is your husband doing to work on his sobriety? Is he going to a 12 step group and working the steps? Therapist?
Are you asking for everything when he remembers? There's other ways to go about getting the info: including disclosure where you, your H, and both of your ICs are in the same room together.
You might ask him to share his inventory step work with you.
Some folks choose a specific day/time to discuss questions, whatever.
I totally get the feeling of trauma when you get more info.
You also might ask yourself how much do you need to know? For my husband's Recovery v1, I was satisfied with knowing he was an addict and he was trying to recover. Recovery v2 (my husband quasi-relapsed for a long time) I asked more questions, and processed more. Those were the hurtful things. I don't really know that I need to hear the hurtful things. They don't really serve a purpose. It didn't my husband more or less of an addict.
There are some things that my husband did not disclose, even though I asked. He says he doesn't remember. Which, is probably a good thing. I do not know the specific coworkers he fantasized about. And, he may have forgotten. I asked during Recovery v2, and we're talking about folks he worked with 20 years beforehand. So, it is within the realm of forgetting, as I don't remember everyone in my office 20 years ago. He also fantasized about moms at my kids' school, but he would not give me names. While I am curious about these things, it is better likely that I not know. Honestly, at this point, doing web searches of folks in the wee hours of the morning at the expense of my basic needs is really not a good thing. And I think we both know that's what I would do.
Like others have said, I would not do marriage counseling. Just IC. Your husband is dysfunctional. You cannot try to repair a marriage when one party is dysfunctional. It just doesn't work.
My husband and I have not yet done marriage counseling. We probably should at some point. For the most part, the individual work we've done on ourselves has been enough. There are still some lingering things that my husband has yet to grasp. In time, he might. Or he might not. These aren't deal breakers now, but they can be in the future.
In a few months, my husband will have been sober/in recovery for 6 years now. He was sober through covid (we both had to work at home, see to 3 kids going to school online, and manage a toddler for more than one academic year). He was sober when my dad died, and he had to shoulder more. He stayed sober when I had breast cancer.
I do think his recovery is real this time. He did all the outward work for recovery, v1. But, he didn't address the shame he felt, and I don't think he fully accepted he was an addict in his heart of hearts. Which is why he started slipping (like once a year and then it progressed). There was no good way for me to know that he was still dealing with the shame.
I probably will never trust my husband again, when it comes to other women. It's too bad, but consequences are a bitch. I trust him with most everything else.
And, if things go south, I have a plan B that I have discussed with DH. Always good to meet with a few lawyers. Knowledge is power.
Focus on yourself. Invest in yourself. Disengage from your husband. Stand back and watch him like an impartial by-stander. Make your decisions based on his actions, not anything else.