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Newest Member: FGnoFGno

I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-22


Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 4:48 AM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023


You may feel your situation is very different than most BS, but please know that at least 1 other BS of a SAWH here long ago arrived at a similar conclusion as to why she didn't pursue a therapeutic divorce.

I've been coming - so s.l.o.w.l.y. - to adjust my understanding of our relationship from my original concept of Husband-Wife (Fail!) to Roomie-Pal-Protector. The loss of that marriage hurts regardless, and it isn't easy to bend our minds to this weird reality, but it sounds like you have made the same kind of calculation I did.

Early on, I found a therapist who told me something key that I didn't want to accept, and I'm just lately finally "getting" what she tried to tell me: "You must redefine your relationship with this man, because he may not ever have the capacity to be a husband to you!" She'd heard of his SA and childhood trauma, but she never worked with us together, so she didn't identify his Aspergers' traits (mild autism or severe Narcissistic blindness, I've never been able to determine, and at the time, I wasn't even aware of his possible ASD diagnosis).

So it has been a huge let-down, but now that I can see him from the distance of 20 years of celibacy since D-Day 1, I understand his capacity to "think of" another person is just somehow restricted for whatever reason, and it isn't only with me. He exists like a space man in outer space, doing what he thinks is right, and it often is good, but he has zero concept of what his actions may mean to others, even his customers, and he is a successful self-employed mechanical genius! A really handicapped person whom I unwittingly chose to marry.

But that therapist you saw was/is a partner of a SA, and she still wore a sexy top to a SAA meeting? I'd have quit her, too! Actually, I went back to college and majored in counseling psychology after MY D-Day and the lousy counselors we tried; figured I could do a better job than they ever did! But what she sounds like to me, with my little professional experience, is she still unconsciously identifies herself as a sex object. THIS is the kind of traumatic damage to the identity of the partner of a sex addict! The lessons they learned spill over into their self-image, going forward. It's almost like a reverse image of an 3-D object, like the mold used to make an object takes the inverse of the object and by looking at the mold, we can see what it was trying to shape! Her over-valuing of the male clients' opinions of her in terms of how attractive to them sexually she looks? Maybe it's my old age but seriously, that woman has her own set of major problems she isn't dealing with.

posts: 1614   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8778472

Luna1115 ( new member #82456) posted at 2:51 PM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023


If you're looking for support, google wetonglen

WeTonglen is a safe community for partners and ex-partners of porn, sex, and love addicts to share their stories of healing and hope, and find comfort and resources to aid on the journey of mending our broken hearts.

Look under events, there are all kinds of zoom meetings, some run by csats, some run by members of wetonglen.

Also, it's FREE!!!

From another long term betrayed partner of an SA that stayed.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022
id 8778488

dontsaylovely ( member #43688) posted at 9:32 PM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate it. Luna, I am a member of that group but - so far - haven't so far made it properly work for me. My issue, for the most part I like to bury the whole issue so don't go on enough/engage. I believe my personality needs a one on one talk. Not interested in a general therapist with little or no experience with SA. None within 2 hours of my home location. But good call, I need to be there when I get triggered as I obviously am right now.

Good points you made Superesse, thank you. I know many have chosen to stay and for good reasons. I loved working! and chronic pain illness means I can't so I am still bitter about that and add this and I'm just sorry my life turned out this way and for the most part I accept but right now I'm just so disappointed in myself for "accepting" even though brain says was best choice. Brain and emotions don't always match you know!

Roomie-Pal-Protector does sum up my situation also. I've recently had two surgeries and a third one coming up this week. SAWH has had 4 major surgeries over the years), one life threatening, all of those took a pile of my time and energy resources. Natch no issue (and I had no clue of double life then) so while I'm pleased to have the support/driving/etc. he does manage to sum up his own health issues to throw in with mine. How odd, do you need attention that badly (I think yes). I need the help and support but surprised it can't just be mine. Didn't mean to go there but does show he just has to be the centre of attention at all times which normally suits me as a very private person that does NOT want attention. But I think my subconscious mind is aggravated, then Valentine's Day trigger.

I don't think mine has the capacity to be a husband either. We don't know about his childhood trauma because he will not go there. That hasn't helped. He has a clue something happened but refuses to dig into it. I say then you don't value our relationship. Many efforts (in his mind) to show he does - gift cards, cute cards, little notes, etc. but none of that really means anything if he won't do the work to figure out his own issues and how he got emotionally stuck at some young age.

My nephew has Asperger's so I have done a lot of research into that, my mother def high on the NPD scale. SAWH doesn't seem to fit into any area of either. Needs attention yes but not like NPD. Seems like he's just a kid that wants Mommy and everyone else to watch him. Craves attention but not in a NPD way. He's stuck somewhere and I haven't unlocked his code. Nor will I try if he won't!

Somehow Superesse we managed to marry a (hidden) handicapped person. They present well don't they. I'm sure many others could chime in the same. I think Lionne would agree with us and used to be such a cheerleader in this area of the site. Her recovery was going so well until he got back into "soft porn" ie suggestive photos on the internet. As has mine. I wish I was at the do not care stage but still go from love to hate, don't care would be so much easier.

I think you nailed it - she sees herself as a sex object. FB friends and she posts pictures totally obviously photoshopped, think she's 66 years old. Amazingly no online photos have any wrinkles or life experience lines. Actually very sad esp with her education and real life knowledge. I did really bond with her and was nice to talk to someone who had been there, not just exams/licensing. And I accept any therapist is a human with their own stuff but....She had teamed with a male SA who also got his credentials as a therapist and ran group sessions for SA. Sounds good, everyone understands the whole thing (oh so many don't!). At the time it was going great, my SAWH going to the small groups, both of us having a therapist who life knowledge got it.

I know I need to find another CSAT for me but we have since moved to a smaller community. No CSATS around. I do journal, I do type hateful notes to get it out (email them to myself). Ultimately I'm just surprised 9 years later I can still get this much triggered and be so upset that my marriage was a sham.

DDay: March 15, 2014

posts: 175   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8778513

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 3:11 AM on Friday, March 10th, 2023

Hi ladies,

It's been quiet here for a few weeks. I've been working on my taxes and I get so ticked off at how much I've spent on therapy. Not to mention the hassles with insurance to get whatever reimbursement they will give me. I swear they kick things back just to try to wear us out so that we'll give up.

I had therapy today, and he informed me we've had 127 hours of therapy (not including today.) It's not that I didn't do therapy off and on before, but I sure could have done without the betrayal and the trauma. Add in the three hours a week I usually spend in 12 step meetings, and I could have learned a new language or gotten in shape.

Also, I've decided it's time for a new therapist. This one has helped a lot but we seem stuck. Anyone have any recommendations for someone licensed in Colorado?

In other news, I read that Tiger Wood's ex is suing him and alleging some sort of sexual assault or sexual harassment. It's been a dozen years since he did inpatient treatment for SA. I have to wonder if my ex's gf, who opted for a relationship allegedly knowing about his history, will be in for the same awakening some day.

And a day late, happy International Day of the Woman.

posts: 372   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8781451
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